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Lucio's journal
Do Not "Throw Under the Bus" - People Appreciate
I was going for a parasailing experience.
And to get to the pier the were two options:
- Jump above the fence
- Walk all along the fence
I asked a guy working there if "it was OK for him if I jumped" while I mimicked the action of jumping -notice I didn't ask "can I jump"-.
He said yes, and I jumped.
Little later someone else, probably the boss of the crew came to reproach me for not following the standard procedure.
And I told "well, actually I asked for permission, and your colleague said yes" -notice "your colleague", it's a power move to deny him power over me-.
And he asked:
Him: who said that?
That was a micro-double bind:
- Throw an innocent guy under the bus: I'd put in trouble someone who in my opinion had absolutely no fault. There is a word for this behavior in Italian, "infamare". Probably because, especially in the South, it's more of a "culture of honor". There is no corresponding word in English, so I'm using "throw under the bus"
- Deny to provide the information, and turn it into a competitive "me VS you": such as "I want the information, and you are denying me the information"
I don't wanna go for 1.
Also because I know that I used power dynamics / persuasion principles to get it my way.
And I want to end it as smoothly as possible.
So this is what happens:
And that's what ensued:
Him: who said that?
Me: (laughs) look man, I don't wanna put anyone in trouble now, let's say I jumped the fence, now I know it's not OK, and next time I'll walk
Him: ahaha ok
In technical parlance, my solution is a "self-surfacing" technique.
It doesn't go too deep into values and beliefs, but it's enough to explain "why" behind my refusal.
So now he understands it's not that I don't wanna tell him, but that I'd rather not throw anyone under the bus.
You might notice other persuasion and power-protecting elements in there.
He understands what I'm going for, appreciates it, and it ends in win-win-win.
I totally see what you mean.
The key here is that the guy was innocent and he kind of provided value by letting you jump over the fence.
Telling on him when asked would be punishing his laissez-faire, friendly behaviour.
And plus, as you mention, there are the ethics of not throwing him under the bus.
It would be different if the guy was doing something nasty behind the boss back.
Then, that may warrant throwing him under the bus.
Again, this is contextual because it's also more in one's interest to have a good relationship with the parasailing guy on the ground rather than the boss.
The boss probably cares more about profits.
The parasailing guy may actually like parasailing and care about the customers' enjoyment & safety.
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on July 31, 2021, 5:28 pmReading people & situations, "acting like the owner", & making friends
Interesting little situation just 5 minutes ago in the lobby.
...
And today I was offered a 5% discount that I wasn't going to ask for.
It's certainly possible that it was totally unconnected, but people are certainly far more likely to offer benefits and discounts to those whom they like and/or respect.
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on August 5, 2021, 2:19 pmQuote from Lucio Buffalmano on July 31, 2021, 5:28 pmReading people & situations, "acting like the owner", & making friends
Interesting little situation just 5 minutes ago in the lobby.
...
And today I was offered a 5% discount that I wasn't going to ask for.
It's certainly possible that it was totally unconnected, but people are certainly far more likely to offer benefits and discounts to those whom they like and/or respect.
And today I went for the buffet breakfast but it was too late as the staff was already packing it away.
10 minutes later the same lady knocks at the door with a tray of food and says "I heard you went for the breakfast, but it was finished".
Same as before: it's certainly possible she would have done the same without that cold read and the high-power/high-warmth approach. But people are far more likely to do more for those they like and/or respect (and at this point, I'm less inclined to think it's just a coincidence).
That looks like a solid breakfast.
Maybe you can even ask for late checkout.
Quote from Matthew Whitewood on August 6, 2021, 9:21 amMaybe you can even ask for late checkout.
Yep, 1h late checkout it was :)
Sell On Added-Value, You Can't Sell on Negatives
I'm walking onto Registan's square as the sun is setting.
The place looks amazing.
A woman opens up a conversation:
Her: Excuse me (nothing too bad, but slightly power-taking, she could engineer a better opening)
Me: Hey, what's up (my standard answer, gives no power away, lets her invest more in the next move)
Her: I'm a tour guide (self-frames herself as a saleswoman, likely to raise defense mechanisms)
We go back and forth with a couple of sentences and then:
Her: where are you from
Me: so how much is it (keeps control of the interaction with my frame of no time-wasting, no cheap attempts at getting emotionally close, give me my info)
She's insisting too hard, and she's not showing any real benefits. I'm not liking this.
I tell her I'd rather take a walk around and think about it.
And then:
Her: but there is nothing inside, only shops
So, wait... Why would I want to hire a tour guide to show "nothing".
It's not the first time that someone tries to sell on the negative.
Problem is, why would I want to buy on something negative?
Unless you're going to turn something negative into something positive, making the sale becomes harder.
It's much easier to sell something great that you will make awesome.
When you turn negative, I also want to move away from you and your negative vibes.
Especially when what I am seeing looks pretty great:
So I'm thinking "F you and your negative nothing, I'm gonna go there and find something great about this place".
Imagine this other approach:
Better saleswoman: Hi, welcome to Registan!
Me: hey, thanks
Better saleswoman: This was right in the middle of the historic silk road (builds the place up). Could you be interested in someone showing you the most beautiful spots (persuasion power move: hints that she might take me to places I might otherwise miss) and maybe share with you all the history of this place?
Could I?
Hell yeah, I'd totally be interested in that.
Much better than reading on my phone!
Damn your picture sells the place better than her because Registan's square looks like a cool place to visit.
I guess she was too focused on dissuading you from walking around by yourself rather than selling her service.
But she ended up framing her service as not offering good value.
That could be effective if she used your statement instead:
Could you be interested in someone showing you the most beautiful spots?
That would highlight why her showing you around is better than you walking around.
However, she didn't realise that making the sale is about making her tour the better option.
Give power back after they conceded
Me: can we do a 5% like last time if I pay cash?
Them: (looking at the owner, talking, thinking about it) OK
A 5% doesn't change my life.
I'd rather people do something they want to do, rather than having to do them because they feel pressure.
So I add:
Me: no pressure, up to you, if you prefer card, I can do card. Because of the withdrawal fees I think 5% gives us both something, but you tell me
Them: yeah, yeah, we're cool with that, it's also good for us
Most of the times people will confirm after you give them power back, but they just feel better about you.
The Overly Dominant Host Was Disempowering Me
I was on a hill for a paragliding experience.
The over-dominant guy seemed to be the organizer / boss of all the paragliding activities.
And he probably was in touch with the TV crew because he was mediating everything.
- Touching
At one point he was talking to me and reached out to remove something from the collar of my shirt.
That already bothered me a bit.
What you want to do in those cases is to remain completely unaffected.
If you look at his hand, move around, smile, exaggerate your "thank you" or generally let it affect you too much, you lose more power.
Instead you want to say "thanks man" very neutral and distant.
And then go back and focus on the conversation at hand, thus thread-cutting and largely denying the power move.
- Giving instructions
Unluckily the TV director and crews didn't speak English.
So this guy had to mediate everything and was giving instructions on what to say.
Nothing bad in giving instructions, except that he was being too overpowering for my taste.
And then he said:
- Tasking: "Repeat it"
AT a certain point he said "say it in Italian".
It was very difficult to avoid executing this task.
Theoretically, we were still working together to make sure my delivery was TV-good. Plus, everyone around wanted to hear me speak and was waiting for it. Denying would have cost social capital with the TV guys as well.
So I used the technique "comply with a delay" as per PU.
- Corleone joke
When explaining how to introduce myself he said "you say I am Lucio.. Corleone".
- Resistance: "I got this"
Another technique I used was to refuse his leading.
For example he was explaining how I'd introduce myself and said:
So you say, Lucio... (looking at me expectantly)
He wanted me to say my surname.
But it's not like I need this guy to tell me how to introduce my name and surname.
If I tell him my surname I give him even more ammo to play the teacher who needs to tell me every single small things.
So I said "I got it".
- Other re-empowering techniques
Plus I had a few more re-empowering techniques, including not to look at him, not laughing at his jokes too much, touching him back, talking with other crew members, etc.
- Defending his power
I also noticed he was very power conscious when I wanted to get the contact of a friend of his doing paragliding over Europe.
He was taking time with his FB, so I cut him off pointing at his phone and saying "do you have Internet, I can find myself".
And he replied a bit annoyed "one moment".
That's when I knew "OK, this guy cares a lot about maintaining power and control".
That's a good technique BTW: forcing people to defend their boundaries (set very low).
So when they over-step your boundaries, you can do the exact same back on them, and it's not anymore a case of you acting like a dickhead because there is a precedent: he did the same on you, so you're just acting to enforce an equitable relationship.
- Not tips for the paragliders
In the end, I wanted to give the big fella who landed me safely a tip.
He more than deserved it.
And he interjected saying that it was not allowed to leave gratuities.
That's when I thought he wasn't just annoyingly overbearing, but also a terrible boss.
Just to maintain his power, he was blocking his team from getting extras for good job done.
Edit:
One more power move that annoyed me:
- "I'll send the recording to an Italian friend to check what you said"
Those weren't verbatim word, but in a joking way, he was saying that he was going to check on me.
It frames him as above me, and with the possibility of delivering some form of punishment if I had said "the wrong thing".
A good way to deal with it is not laugh, but to remain serious and say "yeah go ahead".
Or if you want to be less confrontational, a tight-lipped smile is also fine. As if to say "not funny". Chances he will try to get a more positive reaction from you, and that empowers you.
Finally, how much you need to defend and attack back also depends on the situation.
If I was on my own, I might have been more OK with him playing the host.
But since I was with a woman I hadn't had sex with, I was more careful to keep control, and act higher power.
At one point he was talking to me and reached out to remove something from the collar of my shirt.
I was thinking of using the homosexual technique like in combating the alpha-male handshake.
Not sure if he speaks English though.
Him: (touches shirt)
Response: I see you like to touch my shirt.
But maybe homosexuality may make people uncomfortable in that culture.
