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Vibing with complainers: see it for what it is, just another type of social balm

I have a friend who tol me he avoinds meeting his german neighbors because "Germans complain".

I'm not convinced whether that's true, but I do seem to notice it as a pattern -albeit it's not Germans only, many people and cultures vibe around complaining-.

Once adjective I've heard repeated a lot is "Katastrophe" which, as you may imagine, means "catastrophe".
People love to say that and look away as if to say "can you imagine that"?
Of course not even once it was used for anything I'd even remotely consider a "catastrophe" :).

However, I think that if you see it for what it is, a social balm, and if you developed yourself not to over-bothered by external events and people, then it's not an issue.

My modus operandi are:

  1. Complain with them
  2. Smile as you say it -body language is more important than words-
  3. Ask if they're all good -changes topic to personal things, and the frame "is all good" is already a positive one
  4. Bridge to something positive
  5. End it if was a quick street or by the door hello, or keep the frame positive if it was a longer interaction (and often, they'll love you for it)
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XH
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Little hack for better in-flight meals: select "no gluten"

This works great for those who, like me, aren't (yet) traveling first class.

More and more airlines are allowing people to select meals based on known allergies.

Don't be the guy who thinks he's cool because he can eat anything.

Instead, pick one of the special allergy requests.

Best of all is probably gluten.

The idea behind it is simple:

  • You avoid any wet and soft noodle they try to pass for "past"
  • You avoid the worst "lasagne" ever
  • You avoid the sugar-filled thing  that's supposed to be a cake/dessert

Both pasta and "lasagne" are very popular on airlines.
They're both super cheap, but still Ok for most people, which makes it the perfect combo for them (but not for you, cause you're not "most people 🙂 ).

And:

Since the chances that anyone is going to cook special for you when you pick any special request are slim, you'll get:

  • First class meals or special, or for-purchase only meals (both better, obviously)
  • You get served first

Just tried the last time, worked like a charm.

I got served first, almost half an hour before the people in my same row.

And I don't know if I was happiest when I got an actual good fish meal -good for airlines at least-, or when I saw the "lasagne" everyone else got :).

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Tectonic Shift in Nutrition

I'm looking to make a huge shift in the way I approach nutrition.

Both technically, and mentally.

Ditching the one-meal a day plan (probably)

Some time ago I started with the 20/4 fasting.

Which I then often turned it into "one meal a day".

In a way, on paper, it was practical... In the sense that you don't need to cook, eat, and clean after yourself.
But in practice, the time saving isn't that big, since you need to gather more food for your one-time meal, and sit down for longer.

And the gains are mostly there if you cook and clean everything yourself, but if you buy some food ready-made and/or get a maid, then the advantages disappear.

Also, while the meal-time is more enjoyable with a one-meal a day, I often end up very full after it -sometimes too full-.

Life limitations I had

There were important limitations in terms of personal life.

Including:

  • Weird social vibes when not eating: It hit me the other day, when I was touring with some guys outside, and then we all went for lunch. Everyone eating and commenting how delicious the food was... And me sitting there. It's nothing major, and if you're well-adjusted you can do pretty much anything. But it's still a small strike that says "weird" and "off"
  • Wierd social vibes when eating: you're often hungrier and eating more than the people you sit down with. That's not a major issue, but it can become one with dates
  • Loss of spontaneity: which is far more an issue when you compound with keto, low carbs, or whatever else

Mental limitations of IF + special diets: the geek approach

Part of the blame is on me.

The blame is not just on the type of diet or fasting.
It's on the faster and dieter.

I also have a geeky, self-optimizer, "push yourself" side that was being over-sold diets and approaches by "gurus" who most are not in a position to teach anyone else (I explained here how the same drive for "best" damaged TPM  when I got carried away by server performance instead of what the business needed).

Plus, I have a "prove it to yourself" attitude that made dieting too much about restrictions.
I was placing a lot of constraints upon myself.
Don't eat this, eat more of that, wait until it's time, but wait... Wait longer. Push it to more than 24h, exercise before eating or you "didn't earn it'" etc. etc.
That's the mindset of people who achieve in life, but it's also a trap.
I escaped that trap in other areas of life, but hadn't realized that I was still stuck in it with nutrition / exercise.
And I'm looking to escape that trap.

But it's also not only about the dieter and faster.
The IE and ketogenic added further complexities.

While the diet was supposed to make food easier, it instead makes things more complex, time-consuming, limiting.

Gurus are stealing your time (and money), turning you into a geek

It's when I listen to dietitians that I truly get the strongest doubts about ANY approach.

Just try to listen to most YB videos on dieting / intermittent fasting, and you:

  • Realize nobody knows shit about nutrition that work for you:

Everyone has their own opinions, often contrasting each other.

That tells you that nutrition has little framework that can be generalized applied to most everyone, in most situations -at least at the advanced level, the basics might be there-.

What they're really advising is what they're doing.
Which is often not even what's best for them, but just what they're doing at that specific time.

The most recent is one of the most ridiculous: Jordan Peterson's daughter selling the "carnivore diet" because it worked for her.

It's mind-blogging anyone would listen her harp about that crap.
Has anyone ever thought that the issue she had are only relevant to one in a million? And that she has no data that can be extrapolated to the general population, and over time?

  • Nobody seems to have a healthy, easy-going relationship with nutrition:

Try to listen to most YB "nutritionists" or, worst of all, to life optimizers such as Tim Ferris.

It feels like these people don't eat to live, but live to plan their food intake.

Take this supplement from here, that special food online, this other food from this chain, measure the grams on this scale, prick your finger to measure your glucose level (Ferris does that) etc. etc.

That's not freedom to me, that's enslavement.

I said "enough"

I'm seeking something different.

I want a life where food is a source of enjoyment but not a source of taxing mental and physical work.

So I said "enough".

And as soon as I told myself I was going to ditch any time-related strictures around food, I felt free again.

What I seek

My goals are:

  • Healthy nutrition, which can be obtained without being a geek or a slave to rules
  • Freedom: guidelines, but no hard and fast rules
  • Ease of implementation: anything should be available at most grocery stores, or with online deliveries (ie.: fuck you guru supplements)

Plan going forward: personal experiments

The plan is:

  • No more one-meal intermittent fasting: I'll start by breaking the one-meal approach. I'll still do some days of one-meal days and some 24h fasting or more, but no daily
  • No more "musts": when something cool and spontaneous can happen, life takes precedence over meal plans. Even if it was supposed to be a day of fasting, the fasting can be postponed. Life cannot.
  • No more "forbidden foods": unless my experiments prove that it's bad for me, there are no foods off the table. Pizza? Yes every once in a while. Pastal pesto? Fuck yeah! Wine? Yes please. Peaches? Love them!
  • No more listening to anyone, but own experiments: I'm going to run my own month-long experiments. They're not perfect, they never are, but 10x better than listening to anyone

I'm going to start experimenting first with:

Intuitive eating: eat when hungry, while still generally healthy and following your experiment.
Once the experiment is "settletle", eaty anything you want.

Current experiment:

For a month, cut dairy, grains, and fruits.
Eat whenever you're hungry, and once or twice a week or whenever you feel like, do a 24h.
See how it goes, then adjust and/or change.

P.S.:
I'm listening to "Intuitive Eating".
Seems to go well with this new philosophy / approach.

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Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on February 23, 2022, 5:08 pm
  • Wierd social vibes when eating: you're often hungrier and eating more than the people you sit down with. That's not a major issue, but it can become one with dates

Now I had to picture you with a small brunette - herself on a strict diet and only nibbling on a few things - and watching you while you enjoy your 5000kcal-OMAD feast 😀

Part of the blame is on me.

The blame is not just on the type of diet or fasting.
It's on the faster and dieter.

I also have a geeky, self-optimizer, "push yourself" side that was being over-sold diets and approaches by "gurus" who most are not in a position to teach anyone else (I explained here how the same drive for "best" damaged TPM  when I got carried away by server performance instead of what the business needed).

Plus, I have a "prove it to yourself" attitude that made dieting too much about restrictions.
I was placing a lot of constraints upon myself.
Don't eat this, eat more of that, wait until it's time, but wait... Wait longer. Push it to more than 24h, exercise before eating or you "didn't earn it'" etc. etc.
That's the mindset of people who achieve in life, but it's also a trap.
I escaped that trap in other areas of life, but hadn't realized that I was still stuck in it with nutrition / exercise.
And I'm looking to escape that trap.

Yes, perfectionism and the will to get better and better is probably one of the biggest differences between the "average" and what makes us go way beyond.

(Disclaimer: I could be totally misinterpreting the mentallity)

However I think if someone else told me, I weren't worth the very food keeping me alive until I do XY and prove myself to them and "earn it", I would be absolutely outraged on that POS.

And the fact that such an abusive asshole aparently temporarily resides inside my own head (I'm pretty sure I had that too), makes it even worse. Nobody has the right to treat me that way, not even the thirst for more inside of me.

I think we should be more gentle, appreciative and loving with ourselves, especially as high-achievers. We already have gone the extra-miles for years. Why not appreciate that fact and instead go from there, to see how far further we can go?

Of course it's easy to merely state that, but I'm convinced that you could've achieved similiar things (e.g. constantly exercising before eating) but out of appreciation for how far you are willing to go to get even better, instead of (as it seems) devaluing yourself (which is strange if one thinks about it - who is devaluing who actually?)

 

While the diet was supposed to make food easier, it instead makes things more complex, time-consuming, limiting.

-and-

Try to listen to most YB "nutritionists" or, worst of all, to life optimizers such as Tim Ferris.

It feels like these people don't eat to live, but live to plan their food intake.

Take this supplement from here, that special food online, this other food from this chain, measure the grams on this scale, prick your finger to measure your glucose level (Ferris does that) etc. etc.

That's not freedom to me, that's enslavement.

Yes, mere eating shouldn't be this convoluted and complicated - every fly can do it perfectly effortlessly.
Why would you have to constantly stuff yourself with supplements and monitor your bloodsugar-level to be able to eat healthy? Why would you distrust your own instincts to such a degree?

 

  • No more listening to anyone, but own experiments: I'm going to run my own month-long experiments. They're not perfect, they never are, but 10x better than listening to anyone

I'm going to start experimenting first with:

Intuitive eating: eat when hungry, while still generally healthy and following your experiment.
Once the experiment is "settletle", eaty anything you want.

Current experiment:

Good ol' scientific method!

 

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Lucio Buffalmano
Quote from Anon on February 24, 2022, 8:51 am
Yes, perfectionism and the will to get better and better is probably one of the biggest differences between the "average" and what makes us go way beyond.

(Disclaimer: I could be totally misinterpreting the mentallity)

However I think if someone else told me, I weren't worth the very food keeping me alive until I do XY and prove myself to them and "earn it", I would be absolutely outraged on that POS.

And the fact that such an abusive asshole aparently temporarily resides inside my own head (I'm pretty sure I had that too), makes it even worse. Nobody has the right to treat me that way, not even the thirst for more inside of me.

I think we should be more gentle, appreciative and loving with ourselves, especially as high-achievers. We already have gone the extra-miles for years. Why not appreciate that fact and instead go from there, to see how far further we can go?

Of course it's easy to merely state that, but I'm convinced that you could've achieved similiar things (e.g. constantly exercising before eating) but out of appreciation for how far you are willing to go to get even better, instead of (as it seems) devaluing yourself (which is strange if one thinks about it - who is devaluing who actually?)

Yes, it's the good old double-edged knife of drive.
But you can probably pull yourself more, rather than pushing yourself -in nutrition as in anything else-.

Quote from Anon on February 24, 2022, 8:51 am
Yes, mere eating shouldn't be this convoluted and complicated - every fly can do it perfectly effortlessly.

Why would you have to constantly stuff yourself with supplements and monitor your bloodsugar-level to be able to eat healthy? Why would you distrust your own instincts to such a degree?

Exactly.

Especially when I look at the people who either go crazy, or live healthily, but normally.

The difference is not huge, and sometimes it's the "natural" that is/looks healthier (sometimes by a large margin).

This is a pic with my dad, snapped when he was 79 YO:

Never joined any dieting fad, never fasted, sporadic exercises, and always ate when he was hungry (and sometimes enjoyed a cigarette, albeit as a very rare treat).
Not a terrible diet by any stretch, but also far from the most popular diets people push these days (including plenty of carbs, a good chunk of which were refined).
And not a sedentary lifestyle by any means, he's always moving, but never set foot in a gym.

Or look at Michael Franzese in his videos.
He's in 70s, looks at least 15 years younger.
Same for him: no crazy diets, never set foot in a gym.

And no shitting on this guy, he seems awesome and to know his stuff.
But he doesn't look any younger than his age, possibly older:

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I once read that a dutch singer and actor quit smoking at age 106 😀

While I try to live very healthy as well, a constant obsession and worrying a lot about this or that thing can and will poisen you as well and is in itself unhealthy.

For example at some point I started being repulsed by the terrible air quality in many clubs caused by these fog machines and many people smoking in a small room for hours.

However this prevents me from dancing in that setting (except for open air clubs), which has always been a ton of fun. While I can see it making sense, the great fun from dancing like a maniac for hours is a significant cost as well.

So I may avoid the terrible air, but on the whole it may have been still healthier overall (or at least without significant consequences) to still do it from time to time, because the body will get rid of the stuff one breathed in, and may be even better able to so, if I am in a cheerful state because I had great fun for hours.

So I can totally see both perspectives, and why a lot of times people who simple don't worry too much about it all, will be better off. They are also avoiding a lot of (likely unhealthy) mental states and obsessions.

In general many people from that generation seem to be whole other type of character compared to many people today.

PS
I learned a lot from that channel, he certainly knows his stuff, but I wouldn't want to live his life, and something about him looks quite unhealthy as well.

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Lucio Buffalmano

Wow, I had never thought about that fake smoke being a potential issue, but you probably have a point.

On the other hand, it might be just like you say: no major long-term effect, but a generally more carefree, happier life.

Quote from Anon on February 24, 2022, 8:51 am

Now I had to picture you with a small brunette - herself on a strict diet and only nibbling on a few things - and watching you while you enjoy your 5000kcal-OMAD feast 😀

That, plus:

  • I sometimes brought extra food -like nuts- to a date planning for food not being enough. With male friends, I even brought avocados or some fruit
  • If the date went well and we went back to mine and got intimate, I was often eating more after

None of those are killers of anything, but... They don't make for a carefree life either.
And the bigger one was:

  • Once I approached a woman and things were going well. I invited her to join me for the dinner I was carrying with me and she was teetering. I'm 90% that if I had led more strongly (example in SU for the importance of leadership), she'd have come right away. But I was so in my head on the food not being enough divided by 2, that I did not lead and settled for a number (that didn't lead to meet again)

That was another wake-up call that nutrition was removing from my life, rather than adding.

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Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on February 25, 2022, 2:51 pm
  • Once I approached a woman and things were going well. I invited her to join me for the dinner I was carrying with me and she was teetering. I'm 90% that if I had led more strongly (example in SU for the importance of leadership), she'd have come right away. But I was so in my head on the food not being enough divided by 2, that I did not lead and settled for a number (that didn't lead to meet again)

That was another wake-up call that nutrition was removing from my life, rather than adding.

Yes I agree, the window of oppurtunity is often only barely and shortly open.

And every issue that causes one worry and limits your options in the present moment can easily hinder you significantly and cause regret - which is another costly mental state.

 

I sometimes brought extra food -like nuts- to a date planning for food not being enough.

With male friends, I even brought avocados or some fruit

Avocados are something else, I'm an admitting addict 😀

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A mix of random updates and power dynamics:

The "antisocial" frame: he got me (but I was gone)

I was disembarking a plane, standing for a while.

The guy in a row in front instead stood up later, and I was squeezing past him while he was getting his bag.

He wasn't letting me through easily and I didn't want to wait for him to hold the line with his bag-taking activities.
I noticed that there was a battle going on: was I going to stop, or was he going to relent?

I wasn't going to stop.

He then blurts out as I pass by:

Him: I see you don't want to wait for your turn

Mothafucker.
Effectively framed me was as the asshole value-taker.

By then I had a clear path in front of me, so I just ignored and went ahead while he held up the rest of the plane.

But what if I wanted to reply?
Of course I had to think it over -that's how TPM was born, after all, and I did think it over for a while-.

I thought that a good way of handling was to stop and honestly find out "who was in the right".

Still, it was important that I put right in front my reason for moving past, otherwise his frame would have lose before even starting.

A question such as:

Me: why do you think you had the right of way when I was standing for 10 minutes and you just jumped in in front of me?

Albeit it's certainly possible he was an asshole, it's also very possible he never thought of the fact I was standing for a while and that he thought he had the right of the way for the simple fact of sitting further ahead.

So if he was willing to concede and backtrack, I was going to concede as well.

Note to self:
Do stop more often to engage, not because it's necessarily good, but for the learning opportunity.

Bel & I Had Dinner!

I stopped in Rome for a night and...

Met @bel from the forum!

Second person I met in real-life from the forum.
Bel was kind to come to pick me up (and drive me back) and was really an awesome dinner (and after-dinner drink).

I talked about TPM, how it was born, how I got there, and Bel shared more background stories of some of the situations he also shared here in the forum.
Some really fascinating stuff, I learned a lot.

Thank you, Bel (for the company, for the driving, and for inviting for both food and drink. Damn that wasn't a very balanced exchange now that I think about it 😀 ).

Got motorbike driving license!

In October I couldn't do the test.

And back then I wrote it was one of the biggest regrets in months.

Well, I finally managed🥳.

Did the test and passed with flying colors 🥳 🥳.

One interesting episode for social strategy / power dynamics.

Turning an error and dangerous question into a win

The instructor asked me among the questions:

Instructor: how about helmets
Me: (talks about helmets in general, but think he knows where the instructor was going)
Instructor: what about this one
Me: (talks about the shaded visor this one had and how helpful it can be, now starts to feel like I'm avoiding the elephant in the room)
Instructor: how should one use an helmet
Me: (now I know I MUST address the elephant, and do it well) OK, the helmet should fit you perfectly snug, and to be honest, between us... (gesticulates towards me and him)

Note the "between us".
It's a small thing, but it's crucial.

If I had just shared and admitted the issue, without that premise, I'd have also said that either he should reject me, or at least that I must go find a better helmet (and even if I did find one, I get back in a value-negative hole with the frame of the candidate who had already failed and now had to make it up).
In the best-case scenario, I'd force him to act illegally because of me. He'd have to "grant" absolution, and I become a taker -a taker who's forcing him to bend the rules-.

But with "between us" what I'm saying is:

Between us, outside of the official rules, talking honestly between me as a human being and you as human being (not an instructor and the candidate who's in the wrong), then...

If he accepts that frame, then I'm not "in the wrong" anymore, I'm a guy who gets it, and who will likely address the issue once outside the exam. He does not have to take action -or grant absolution- and I might even gain some points.

And he replies:

Instructor: OK, I appreciate the honesty
Me: (hands-on heart) thank you

(then he goes on about something else in my stuff that wasn't proper, but the frame was "this also should be fixed, but we're not gonna count it as an issue in the exam" which was golden for me, so I just confirmed everything he said, which further developed rapport)

That answer gave me "power points" as I had the courage to be honest, plus "honesty points", as I just told it how it is.
That also showed "respect for his intelligence", while trying to hide the obvious would have likely annoyed him.

BUT, there is also a social strategy point of view.

Now the frame is "we talked as human to human, we both know it wasn't 100% by the book, but now we're good and I'm still in the game and can do the test".

In hindsight, I should have added "I was actually looking at helmets these days, if I hopefully can get the license I'll get one that fits perfectly. Fingers crossed".

Little later when I was done with the first 2 tests, the instructor gave me a thumbs up and now.
Haven't seen him doing to anyone else.
He also said of the road test "we're gonna do a brief one, no need for a long one" and instructed me and another guy on how to do it properly -frame was "help me to get you three this final step"-.

Probably things were going to be good anyway.
But you never know.

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Congratulations on your license! Big step 🙂

Thanks for the dynamics as well.

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