Former Community – We Moved
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Lucio's journal
+1 I look forward to your journal updates as eagerly as my missus looks forward to her Chinese drama shows refreshing and that's a lot.
On the corporate weaselese the latest people love to drop is LT (leadership team)
Another way they love to steal some reflected glory it's by saying there were some very senior people in the room.  The implication being that they have access to those people.
LOL, Chinese and Korean dramas are BIG lately :D.
Thank you for the feedback Kevin, it's super useful!
(superficial) kindness as power move and self-defense: the "polite fuck you" to the Karen type
This morning at the breakfast buffet:
Me: (standing too close to the food while talking to the staff)
Her: (a bit too rude and curt, and also looking like an angry lesbian Karen ready to pounce on any excuse for a social fight) excuse me!
Me: (while stepping away, turning halfway towards her but without looking at her, and with a non-warmth tone)Â hey good morning (then keep interacting with staff)
The stepping away was due because I was technically in the wrong.
The "good morning" sub-communicated:
You forgot your manners lady (and I'm showing them to you now by granting you some of it).
And the higher-power and low warmth tonality together with not looking at her and going straight back to what I was doing was part of the "polite fuck you" sub-communication.
This is also all very brief and provides no real engagement.
So you give her no excuse for what the Karen type truly relishes: lashing out at someone.
"I always see you" - the "know you own you" power move
Was just walking back and one guy at the entrance says:
Him: Hey, I always see you around, it's like the 5th-6th time
In a way, it's a compliment: you stand out, and people take notice.
It's also somewhat higher value since I said nothing about me seeing him around.
On the other hand, it's also a light form of "know you & own you" power move in the sense of "I got tabs on you, know about you (and got you figured out)".
And the person who knows more about the other also has more power/leverage.
Some older people use a variation of that "know you & own you" frame on younger people.
In Goodfellas for example Bill Batts says to Joe Pesci "don't get too big on me, I've known you all my life".
He was smiling though and I was smiling as well because I was saying hi to another guy nearby, so it was a lot more on the positive side.
If he had been a bit more social skilled he could have power protected from that "ownership power move" for example adding a compliment "you stand out, always so well dressed" (ie.: justifying him keeping tabs on me, which also prevents him from self-framing as some sort of snooper).
My answer was:
Me: (friendly smile, said in a joking tone) yeah, I live here
Power-communication:
obviously you see me, I live here, you don't have any special information on me that anyone else has.
Plus, the "obvious" tonality is a slight joking one-up on his remark, as in "no shit man".
He laughed, the people he was talking to laughed.
If I see him again I'll talk to him and make a friend -from a position of high-power and high-warmth-.
Nice. Next level stuff. I totally agree: you resetted the dynamics between you as equals and potentially future ally/friend.
Important principle (should be in PU?) about information asymmetry on a personal level and the subsequent power dynamics.
Thanks for sharing!
Quote from John Freeman on December 20, 2022, 6:23 pmNice. Next level stuff. I totally agree: you resetted the dynamics between you as equals and potentially future ally/friend.
Important principle (should be in PU?) about information asymmetry on a personal level and the subsequent power dynamics.
Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for the note, John!
It's always super valuable to know what may deserve being in PU -especially when it comes from experienced folks-.
And love the "information asymmetry" name, thank to you I'm now thinking of using that one to label this dynamic.
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 20, 2022, 3:50 pm"I always see you" - the "know you own you" power move
Was just walking back and one guy at the entrance says:
Him: Hey, I always see you around, it's like the 5th-6th time
Hi, his statement was a little off and a tad hostile, if he had added something complimentary to the end, it could have been construed as him trying for an emotional bid to connect.
Me: (friendly smile, said in a joking tone) yeah, I live here
First of all, I have to say this was a great reply when thinking on your feet, also given the comfort of sitting here, reading about it, and HAVING THE TIME to formulate a response, I feel that this reply was not optimal, since you are justifying to a random stranger, who very well might have no business telling you that, secondly you were still reacting to his initial frame.
Him: Hey, I always see you around, it's like the 5th-6th time
Maybe these could be another possible replies
You: That's strange, do you hang around here keeping track of how often people come here then?
or
You: Stalker Alert(Which indirectly shames him, and forces him to explain why he noticed you and is keeping tabs on you) or You: Excuse me, who are you?
or You: You should have come said HI before.
Most of these responses might risk sounding stand offish and might ruin the shot at making a potential ally/friend. Lucio's response, I feel keeps the chance at making a friend/Ally.
Thank You
Thank you for the note, Maverick!
If his line had been delivered in a serious tone or, even more befitting, in a challenging or testing tone, your answers would have been great.
Since he delivered in a friendly manner and also took a step towards me as if he wanted to initiate a convo (something I hadn't shared before), I feel those were too strong and uncalled for -shaming him in front of his wife (I guess) and a third party for him, and making an unnecessary enemy for myself + looking way too nasty in front of a guy I often see and want to be on my side-.
Me keeping on walking also added a bit of a "social one-up" so, in my own social accounting, it will actually be on me to re-initate first and make the extra step in warmth and friendliness if I meet him the next time.
With the little I have right now to judge, this guy just didn't know how to better start a convo with someone he noticed but, until proven otherwise, he can still be an OK guy.
Hii Lucio
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 21, 2022, 12:38 pmSince he delivered in a friendly manner and also took a step towards me as if he wanted to initiate a convo (something I hadn't shared before), I feel those were too strong and uncalled for -shaming him in front of his wife (I guess) and a third party for him, and making an unnecessary enemy for myself + looking way too nasty in front of a guy I often see and want to be on my side-.
Given that he was looking for an emotional bid, what I suggested would have been very dis-empowering to him. Your answer then seems to hit the nail on the head.
Cheers
Quote from Maverick on December 23, 2022, 6:51 amHii Lucio
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 21, 2022, 12:38 pmSince he delivered in a friendly manner and also took a step towards me as if he wanted to initiate a convo (something I hadn't shared before), I feel those were too strong and uncalled for -shaming him in front of his wife (I guess) and a third party for him, and making an unnecessary enemy for myself + looking way too nasty in front of a guy I often see and want to be on my side-.
Given that he was looking for an emotional bid, what I suggested would have been very dis-empowering to him. Your answer then seems to hit the nail on the head.
Cheers
Yes, exactly, and great call in recognizing that as a "bid for connection" (albeit a poorly executed one).
