Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on April 13, 2023, 11:34 am

Strategic giving: why I ate a breakfast I didn't like

I just went to the hotel's reception with two goals in mind:

1. Check the breakfast that was not included in the room
2. Extend my stay and:
   1. Negotiate a better rate
   2. Change room to a higher-floor one to minimize street noise

While the manager was checking what he could offer me, I went to check the breakfast downstairs.

I may be a bit picky for food choices, so to me it was "just OK" and pricey for what it offered.

Normally, I may have chosen not to have it there.

However, think of it like a strategist.

Not having breakfast was likely going to:

• Break rapport, sub-communicating that I rejected their poor choices and offering and/or that I was "snobbishly superior". This was less of an issue if it was a big chain and an employee, but a small hotel and hotel manager (potentially owner?) was going to matter more. That was also a good insight I got on the night before from the previous service-desk guy 
• Roughen the interaction (as in "opposite of smooth"), since I'd have to go back up, tell him I wasn't going to have breakfast, then go out or back to my room, then get his call or chasing him for the offer
• Miss an opportunity to display "great future customer qualities" (read below)

Having breakfast was going:

• Give before an ask: to pay for the breakfast and give before I was going to ask for good rates and a better room
• Improve rapport, as in appreciating their offer and "easy to get along with" (people who are fastidious on one thing often are fastidious in general. Hopefully I'm the exception there, but they don't know that :) )
• Display good customer future giving, since if I'm having breakfast now, it means I'm a good non-stingy customer. I may have breakfast in the future, or use their facilities or food bar
• Smoothen the interaction: I'm downstairs, going along with my day still in the hotel and enjoying their offering while he works my case. Then I naturally come up on the way to my room and discuss/negotiate the offer

Even if it makes a mere 5% difference, it's going to be a sizable difference.

This city/place is very expensive, I'm staying for a while, and I may even have to extend and/or come back.
Plus, beyond the money, I even make a better first impression.

So the strategist thinks:

The potential longer-term leverage and gains of a very small cost today make it very worth it.

So, I decided to have breakfast.

Then, the mental side of the equation also turns the cost into a plus (I'm already thinking: "great! Saving time without having to go search for another place" plus starting to look at the positive "oh look at that, they got green tea and even organic, so awesome").

And when I came back up...

I got a good offer.
Plus a better room on the highest floor, and they'll take care of the moving after I go out (saving time).

Was it going to make any difference if I had come up and said "no breakfast for me, thanks", and then went outside to get food?

We can't say for sure.

But the focus should generally be on the process (ie.: selecting the best behaviors to achieve your goals) rather than on the final results.

Then, over many encounters, it most certainly will make a big difference in your life.

Quote from John Freeman on April 13, 2023, 1:46 pm

Definitely. In the same vein, I generally am curious about the person at the desk, how the business is going, their shifts/work schedule, etc.

So I often chat with them informally with no other intention than getting to know them and better understand their life.

I noticed it often sets me apart from the other tourists who just consider the person as a function. They treat me differently from the next/previous person as they can drop a bit their mask and it's a relief in a way I think.

So, it always smoothen everything afterwards, wether I need an advice or a service, they happily do it.

It might not be big, but it puts them often times in a disposition to want to help me.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on April 17, 2023, 7:16 pm

How to call on the authority without being a bitch & juda: the straight, strategic, & high power way

Today I went to the gym.

I walked into the floor barefoot -both because I packed light without training shoes and because it's a thing of mine: it just feels better and healthier to me-.

A guy who was training another guy told me that the shoes were mandatory.

Thinking he may have been an owner/manager/worker, I explained my situation and asked "if it was OK for this time".
He said no.
I insisted a couple of times, and then he said that "I should have asked the reception" -my mistake: I should have first asked who he was and then would have treated it very differently-.

I said "OK" and started warming up -a power move: once I realized he was and had no official authority I wasn't going to follow his instructions-.

Little did you know, he almost immediately went to speak to the receptionist himself.

Now, here's the thing:

Whether you think he did the right thing or not -and I acknowledge that in many people's values, albeit not mine, he did-, it was still a poorly executed move.

To many men that's a bitch move because it feels a lot like the adult version of "telling on" to mommy, or telling the teacher who's being the mischievous pupil.
And it also feels like a Juda move to anyone who prefers the freedom of choice as long as it doesn't harm others -which is a lot of people-.

So, for those who believe that reporting the barefoot guy was the right choice, what would have been the higher power way to handle it for him?

Here are two great options:

1. Address the "law breaker" first to avoid the "going behind your back" feel

For example:

Him: OK, I'll go mention it to her real quick (could also add "if you don't mind" while assuming I'd say "OK", not a true request for permission, just for power protection)

Once he told me, the "bitch feel" would disappear.

It'd disappear because the bitch feel is that of going behind my back because he was afraid to bring it up with me again.
So if he spoke to me first, it feels a lot more like a man, openly taking it up to another man first.

2. Report it while aligning with the "law-breaker"

Better yet and even more strategic, he could have said something like:

Him: Wait, lemme ask her real quick and hopefully she'll be OK with it

That way, he'd:

1. Act like a leader, take responsibility for a quick resolution, and doing so in front of everyone -his status would go up, instead of down-
2. Win me over by taking my side -even if it was just a Mach move and deep down he'd hope she wouldn't allow it, it's still a lot more power protecting and I'd have been a lot cooler with him from then on-
3. Do everything high-power, so instead of hiding when he came back following the receptionist (another major "bitch feel"), he could have walked in front of her, then introduced me, and explained himself what was going on (I'm also in France, so he could even show off he speaks English)

And that's the main lesson learned.

But before wrapping it up, there was another interesting situation.

The gym worker came to explain shoes are mandatory as a gym rule, that it's a question of insurance... But that for this time it was OK (and that made the trainer look even more like a low-power bitch: made all that fuss, for nothing).

And then...

Ignore the aggressive Karen & one-up her back

Looks like there were a lot of sticklers for the rule around.

A Karen who could have been the perfect avatar for the "Karen concept" -angry-looking older woman, frumpy blonde hair- jumped in:

Karen: (referring to the weight she was using on a bench) What if I drop this on your foot

Notice the already aggressive frame already: why should she drop her weight on me?
Edit:
It's a late edit, but important for future readers: those words could be said assertively, wtihout aggression. It was aggressive though, and mostly in the tone and in the body language of her moving the weight towards me and looking at my foot.

I was still talking with the clerk, so just ignored her the first time.

When the clerk left, she went for it again:

Karen: What if I drop this on your foot, who pays it then
Me: (never fully engaging with her) yeah, right, don't drop it then

A guy nearby laughed, which gave me points and indirectly sided up with me against her.

Then I replied to her in English without looking at her, and then it died there.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on April 29, 2023, 12:24 pm

Considerations from coaching: the red pill isn't serving men all too well

I had another coaching call yesterday.

Generally speaking, I've been surprised that the average guy seems far more on point and advanced than I'd have expected -maybe it's because of self-selection bias given the costs, or because TPM generally caters more to more advanced folks... Or maybe a bit of both and some more-.

A common refrain seemed to be that confidence, self-esteem and mindsets around "what you can do with exactly who you are right now" have to catch up to, not the other way around.

And the red pill may contribute to that issue.

Let's see the case study:

Red pill poor mindsets

Yesterday's customer had started his journey with the red pill.

He mentioned Andrew Tate and how the USA was a place to avoid since it was going down the drain.

From what I've seen, it's the typical focus on the external world + overly pessimistic view.

I let it develop at first, and then later shared the typical TPM's mindset:

that what happens at the general and national level is "good to know" and keep in mind, and that if you can tackle it by moving: go for it.

HOWEVER, it doesn't matter all that much at the individual level and that he can always be the exception and find what he's looking for.

Red pill hits a ceiling: the solution isn't always "more power", "less betaness"

Generally speaking, more power and less betaness is good for many guys.

But that approach quickly hits a ceiling once you reach a good enough threshold (it's the issue of the "ceiling glass advice", article to follow).

So his solution to his dating results was to generally be more -high power and "more confident" because women can "smell betaness" and insecurity-.

Note that I only saw a cool and high-value guy talking to him -ZERO "betaness"-.
And I don't think that most women are that more observant than I am.
Even if they were, it's not like women are perfect and not themselves self-conscious (hint: they are, and they're equally worried about how they come across, than how you come across).

Indeed, when he described his last date, the woman was into him: replied, met with him, dressed up for him, met him for three dates, and followed him home.
The issue in my opinion was too much value, without escalating timely, not too little.
After that, it wasn't looking too good, but it still wasn't necessarily lost. Worth a try with a call at least, and invite her for dinner -what's to lose, anyway?-. However, he hadn't contacted her again as that would be "too beta". Again, focus on power, instead of simply doing what's most effective.

Typical of red pill, he also wanted to avoid dinners because otherwise women take advantage of you and take you as a provider to milk while the fuck the "chad".

Note now his appearance and demeanor was a lot more "alpha/mannish" than I am, but... I've had countless of dinners and first-date sex (so, again, mindset issue).

The red pill as "IG of alphaness" may create insecurities

Then, I had a realization:

The red pill as a whole can make men less confident because manosphere and red pill communities are a game of alpha male status.

So to gain status in those places, men over-share, over-promote ideals, and put up a front of "maximum masculinity", "maximum alphaness", etc. etc.

It's exactly like social media and IG, where the games are:

• Look what a great life I have
• Look how attractive / fit I am

So just like IG can make some women feel insecure with a fake world that doesn't even exist, so the red pill does the same for men.

With the added handicap that while a perfect body "works" to date better for women, "alphaness" is more about reaching a minimum threshold instead and power is more about strategy and mixing it with warmth, rather than "always highest power" (so, in brief: an over-focus on "more alphaness" can often make men date less effectively).

---

Thoughts?

Please let me know if you have any thoughts on this.

I'm thinking if it may warrant an article on its own.

Quote from Ali Scarlett on April 29, 2023, 1:09 pm

Was thinking a few days ago that a book like Red Pill BS: Fixing Dating and Relationships One Truth at a Time would be good to write.

I think this is further proving that a book like that would probably be valuable for most men.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on April 29, 2023, 1:16 pm

NICE!

Really a great idea.

Doesn't necessarily mean it would be good to write it since one may be more effective with a book on frames (or something else), or the red pill be too small a market, or maybe receive too much pushback from those who already in it... But as an initial idea, really awesome, thank you for sharing that Ali, and let's keep it in mind (and see if anyone has any opinion on that).

Quote from John Freeman on April 29, 2023, 3:04 pm

Hello Lucio and Ali,

I think an article would be great! A book is niche I agree it’s a good idea nonetheless.

Yes the problem with the red pill is exactly as you described. It’s useful for a time only.

Afterwards the diminishing returns are significative: bitterness and insecurities increase. So it becomes counterproductive. It becomes a conspiracy theory (with women and the establishment as the enemy) which is an extremism by definition (only one truth exists).

I think it’s also a good use case when a mindset problem cannot be solved with a strategic/tactical approach.

For many men in this movement have a problem within themselves: twisted views on women (from pure to evil), insecurities about their masculinity, low self esteem, Peter Pan syndrome, absent father/overbearing mother. These are quite challenging to address.

But it’s easier to say that women want to take advantage of you and that the society is rigged against you. It’s satisfying to hear: « I’m a victim. It all makes sense now. »

It’s partly true of course. The « partly » being important. So it gives a very partial view of the World. So it’s an ideology. And every ideology carries its own limitations.

It’s just as true that society gave you everything you have and that women are loving and giving. It’s a matter of perspective. The issue is that people still think in black or white when adopting this ideology instead is of revising the way they look at these. I totally understand that we often go too far the other way when we discover a new perspective and it’s ok. What is important is that before we dive in we know beforehand it that it will have its own limitations. So when we are encounter these limits we go: « yeah of course so now I’ll correct ». At least it’s helpful to me. There is no unique answer. But we often want life to be simpler than it is: « ah now I finally know the truth! ». No you don’t. Nobody does and it’s a good thing it keeps us open minded and exploring.

Quote from B on April 30, 2023, 11:57 am

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on April 29, 2023, 12:24 pm

The red pill as "IG of alphaness" may create insecurities

Then, I had a realization:

The red pill as a whole can make men less confident because manosphere and red pill communities are a game of alpha male status.

So to gain status in those places, men over-share, over-promote ideals, and put up a front of "maximum masculinity", "maximum alphaness", etc. etc.

It's exactly like social media and IG, where the games are:

• Look what a great life I have
• Look how attractive / fit I am

So just like IG can make some women feel insecure with a fake world that doesn't even exist, so the red pill does the same for men.

With the added handicap that while a perfect body "works" to date better for women, "alphaness" is more about reaching a minimum threshold instead and power is more about strategy and mixing it with warmth, rather than "always highest power" (so, in brief: an over-focus on "more alphaness" can often make men date less effectively).

It makes much sense: in other words these people may be competing among themselves, for (unconscious) reasons that are different from the expressed reasons.

This shows a deeper problem, one that stems from unaddressed personal insecurity - possibly unrelated to "dating".

Quote from Jack on April 30, 2023, 12:31 pm

I think they focus too much on looking alpha and not enough on actually experiencing and having a good time.

It’s like they are following some strict rules and could gain much by being more flexible.

Be like water my friend.

I agree with Bel I really think they are competing between them.

I agree with everything you said in your last paragraph. They think maximum alphaness is the best strategy, in the same way that more muscle equal more attractiveness. But it only impress other men.