Lucio's journal

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on April 30, 2023, 3:46 pm

Thank you so much John, Jack, and Bel!

All great points, and super helpful.

Quote from Bel on April 30, 2023, 3:22 pm

I was looking at one particular coach who I recall years ago had shared a story about telling a fellow coach that it was unethical to date a woman who had asked to be coached by them, and then went on and dated her and they got together.

Now I was looking at one video of his where he basically said that one of the marks of success with women is "not overdressing" and "not caring how one looks".

Now, knowing what I now know about power dynamics, it makes much sense that some people may be "teaching things" while interspersing their "teaching" with "bad advice":

• it makes it more likely that "students will remain students for a longer time"
• it lowers the competition.

Yeah, there is definitely some of that "keep control over eternal students" and "lower the competition" sometimes -I personally get the feeling it's even more common among women-.
And sometimes cluelessness as well.

Was this "Sasha PUA / Sasha Daygame" by any chance, Bel?

Quote from Bel on April 30, 2023, 3:59 pm

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on April 30, 2023, 3:46 pm

Was this "Sasha PUA / Sasha Daygame" by any chance, Bel?

It's totally Sasha PUA!

Shocking - and proves we are right - that we came to the same conclusion on this independently of one another!

And, to think at the time I was unaware of what that guy was doing...

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on April 30, 2023, 5:03 pm

Yeah, that guy, I also thought it wasn't a very classy move.

First says it's not ethical, then a girl shows up to his seminar, he takes her away from another coach working for him because "she should be his", and then ends up with.

I think this particular guy actually believed that dressing down was a good idea -just looking at his approaches didn't strike me as very effective in general. I watched some of his content because I was considering using one of his videos as an example of "what you can improve upon" for Seduction University-.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on May 1, 2023, 9:17 am

Quote from Bel on April 30, 2023, 3:22 pm

This insight seems in line with something I recently realized in the behavior of some dating coaches online:

I noticed that sometimes they appear to say or "teach" things that actually hamper the success of people.

I was looking at one particular coach who I recall years ago had shared a story about telling a fellow coach that it was unethical to date a woman who had asked to be coached by them, and then went on and dated her and they got together.

Now I was looking at one video of his where he basically said that one of the marks of success with women is "not overdressing" and "not caring how one looks".

Now, knowing what I now know about power dynamics, it makes much sense that some people may be "teaching things" while interspersing their "teaching" with "bad advice":

• it makes it more likely that "students will remain students for a longer time"
• it lowers the competition.

Also, one more good question to assess someone and how helpful what they teach can be to you:

Do they follow what they preach, and use the skills they teach to good effect in their life?

To me, it's not the greatest sign if a dating coach who teaches cold approach meets his girlfriend through what is, basically, "fame" -a completely different approach-.

Of course, it's certainly possible that one's own very best fit may walk into his life. Plus, one may say it's not a bad idea to get together with someone who supposedly already likes you a lot.

On the other hand, looking at it from a number's point of view:

if you were successful in what you were doing, what are the odds that out of the hundreds of women you supposedly dated, the very best fit was the one who came to you?

Quote from Bel on May 1, 2023, 7:59 pm

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on May 1, 2023, 9:17 am

if you were successful in what you were doing, what are the odds that out of the hundreds of women you supposedly dated, the very best fit was the one who came to you?

I agree. The second video I was mentioning opens with him (apparently) naked with a woman nearby. After the first minute, the woman disappears, never to be seen again.

Call me overreacting, but to me this smells of all the wrong things.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on May 16, 2023, 11:13 am

Beginners lose WAY too much power to advance in life

I'm teaching a trainee in customer service / replying emails / other tasks.

It's a good learning experience also for me because many folks here aren't super beginners.

But many trainees are.

So I get to see bigger "power losses" and opportunity losses than in the forum or coaching.

And when those losses are big, they really weigh a ton in stopping you to advance in life.

Just 1 small example from today.

Give all power away to the interviewer

The trainee was supposed to see if an interview request aligned with my time.

The interviewer said she was open for the topics (gave me decision-making power).

I asked the trainee to get some time length and time slot proposal to see if it would fit me timewise.

Here is what was sent:

I appreciate it if you could tell me how long the interview will take and what time will it be in CET 

Can you see how disempowering that is to me?

I went from power-up to power-down and chasing.

Notice the difference in power dynamics between what I'd have sent, and what the trainee sent:

• In my format, the interviewer proposes a few time slots with the frame being that she has to fit my schedule (I'm the ultimate judge / decision maker and she has to adapt)
• In this format, the interviewer is asked to give one time slot, and dictates the terms and I'll have to chase after the initial proposals if not good for me (I will have to adapt)

Finally, that was also very ineffective because while it disempowers me, it also asks the interviewer to take over all the responsibility.

Now the interviewer has to think "this may work for him, this not, hmmm... Which can be the best time slot to propose"?

You add that cognitive load, she may postpone the decision, and never get around to doing it.

I wouldn't be too surprised if it ends there.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on May 24, 2023, 11:13 am

Early red flags of freelancers

This one:

 

• Over-eager
• Chase-y
• "don't worry" power move
• Too early promises without checking anything, very unprofessional
• "trust me" verbal approach instead of earning it with behavior

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on May 26, 2023, 9:39 pm

High-end stuck up bitches & assholes

I'm staying near a very high end shop.

I love going there even just for walks: it's just a beauty and an eye-treat.

Five floors of top brands and designers, and the top floor dedicated to (expensive) food, spices, chocolates, spirits, and wines from all over the world.

Anyway, today I did get a treat for tomorrow's breakfast as I was just too curious about some cookies.

As I turned around to leave, I found myself face to face with a woman and almost bumped her.

I said "ooops" and she... Stone faced, immoble.

Hers was the high-power, stuck up, narcissistic response (and behavior, even before we almost bumped each other).

Yeah, took me a split of a second to read her.
The situation we were in, I had only one way to exit, and she could expect me to turn around and walk that way.
Most "normal" people would have stepped back in advance (often doing so subconsciously).
Or, if they missed that, they'd have said "sorry", or stepped back, or smiled... Or more rarely even complained or be bothered.
But they'd have done something.

But she stood there on purpose, purposefully avoid giving any room.
And purposefully remained stationery and stone-faced.

Women (and men) like that are a lot more common in high ends shops than in any other places.

Funny enough, in the coaching calls we often talked about high-power behavior.
My usual answer is that high-power behavior is always something you want to adapt.

And whenever I enter that shop, I "naturally" find myself swaggering my shoulders and thinking even more highly of myself than usual.
I think that's subconscious adaptation.

As one line from a movie I've often used for examples in PU/SU said, referring to LA:

They say you gotta kiss a lot
of frogs to find your prince.
But in this town, everyone
thinks they're royalty.
And the frogs don't stand a chance.

On the other hand, those are fantastic places to meet non-narcissistic, "normal" women.

Because you're already preframed as high-power...

You don't need to turn into a stuck-up asshole.

Just make sure you're not the frog...

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on June 4, 2023, 11:33 am

Crooked small-time lies that destroy trust, self-frame you as crooked turkey, and also disempower others

there are some types of little lies that manage to do 3 bad things at once:

1. Give you a reputation for a lying turkey
2. Destory trust and social capital
3. Offend and disempower the reciever

For example, following some issues on this website after the graphic design update, I shoot a strong message, and they reply:

Him: We have not installed that type of plugins for backup.

OK...

So there are two users with access to the website: YOU (and your team) and I.

If YOU didn't do it, that:

1. Shifts the blame on me (and it's obvious to me I didn't do it)
2. Takes me for stupid, since if you didn't do it, then, well... Who?

Little later he deleted that message.

And another example of someone who preferred to pretend a misunderstanding instead of simply saying they didn't check the email (for whateve reason):

A bit earlier in that exchange:

Me: What did you misunderstand from his email, please tell me, I want to understand

I asked for clarification on purpose because it stank as a lie.

One, there wasn't much to misunderstand.
And two, if you misunderstand, then you should seek fast clarification, not ignore.

That approach finally surfaced the truth.
But not in a good way: only because there weren't many options left to keep lying.

It would have been SO incredibly much better in both cases to tell the truth and own it.
Would have shown honesty, ownership, and re-empowered me with a simple apology to make up for the mistakes.

Instead, they compounded the issue destroying trust, and casting doubts on the future of working together.