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Lucio's journal
The Low-Power "Begging Please" Power Move
Some days I was walking towards the building's main entrance.
An older lady from the same building was walking back as well from the opposite direction.
She was walking very slow with a shopping bag, and a younger lady helping her.
I'd reach the door much sooner than her and it would her too long for me to wait for her.
But then she says with her soft mouse voice (my rough translation)
Her: would you please be so lovely and (hold the door, I think it was, but whatever it was, she wanted me to wait)
In my opinion, total power move.
And knowing the person, I even expected it.
She had no right to ask that since she can open the door herself, she has someone helping her and, in any case, it's up to me whether or not I want to do the "nice thing".
And, for her, I did not want (various reasons, but gave me several reasons not to like her).
But now that she asked, the situation had changed and if I didn't, I'd be framed as either rude or as "grouchy".
I don't answer and don't look at her, and she comments that I ignored her -another power move-.
I walk in, open the door and lock it open (when you push past the "pressure ball", the door remains open).
In the meanwhile, the girl who was helping had ran to hold the door, so I say "hello" to her and move towards the stairs.
I think it was a good solution: I do the "favor" in a way, but without waiting. And I don't do it the way she wanted so I don't obey and follow her lead while inconveniencing myself.
I think that’s how it’s done. Being pro-social without any expectations. Following one’s inner code.
Thanks for sharing.
Yeah, if it were a stranger and I wanted to do the nice thing (which is comply), I probably would've made a face as if to say, "That's weird," then opened the door and say as she approaches, "Go ahead," (something she was already going to do anyway) so she'd have to comply back.
That way, it's more balanced and I'm still framed as a guy who engages in prosocial behaviors.
But for some with a prior history/whom I dislike, I may have pretended not to hear her and kept going.
The Taker Must Get In Touch (VS "let's keep in touch" or "I'll get in touch")
As a general rule:
The person who gives more moves less.
Or, at least, he has the choice / right to move less (if he prefers to move more, up to him).
By "move" it means literally, as in "physically moving", to receiving the various bids/texts for catching up etc.
I failed this law in an excess of "niceness".
Some time ago I met someone who I always felt was, let's say, giving less.
And who in the past pulled several power moves.
I was obviously giving more in this case since I was the one who was still in touch with the common childhood friends and the "cooler crowd" compared to the one he'd usually hang out with.
Those guys don't talk to him and rarely meet him randomly, so I was also the gatekeeper.
Given the past history of various power moves, I wasn't exactly looking forward to meeting him. Bbut given the past childhood history, I'd be OK if he tagged along provided he did the work.
BUT...
This is where I mad the mistake.
In saying goodbye I used the neutral expression, something like "let's keep in touch" (to potentially meet these next days).
Soon after I realized it was a mistake and very much NOT eagle-like.
Quite sneaky and low power, actually.
Let's in keep in touch is the neutral form, which is generally OK in many relationships and most friendships.
However, when you feel like you've given more, giving more, generally be "higher value", or when you know you will not get in touch first, it's better to say:
(You) get in touch
It's more honest, more straight, and also sets the proper expectations and power dynamics.
"let's keep in touch" instead is a weak cop-out to walk away quick and pretend that you're gonna keep in touch.
But since you know you won't, it's also a weak lie.
Major lesson learned for me: if you're OK with someone coming out with you and/or common friends but you're not going to reach out and feel that they should do so, tell them to get in touch with you.
It's fairer to both, and the only straight option.
If they do the work to catch up, it's also a good sign: they're not playing power games, they display straight and honest behavior, and they're doing the added work that they should (and at that point, you tell them where/when and they're suspposed to be there, and if they "get it", they'll make sure to increase their social capital and status with better behavior than in the past so that in the future they will "earn" the mutual "we'll keep in touch").
And if they don't get in touch, good, it's their choice, and you simply spend time with the top picks of your social circles.
Take Responsibility, Lead, Add Value: It Often Costs Nothing. It's An Attitude
Couple days ago I was driving in England.
As you may know, they drive the "opposite way" than in EU -and most of the world-.
It was a rental car and I still hadn't gotten very used to right-lane driving.
Plus, not knowing the way, I was Google maps-dependent.
At a road bifurcation, I slowed down in the middle of the road not sure where to go.
I had two cars behind me, but none coming the opposite way (which would have helped me understand what this was all about, read on).
One sped away.
The other one honked insistently several times. I turned around, and saw the guy animatedly motioning me to follow him and go his same way.
It was at that time that I realized that there was nothing to think about.
The road I wasn't sure to take was a one-way-only street and the only reason I was lost was because I was defaulting to left-lane driving.
Now I'm not saying that I was for sure going to go the wrong way: I was still in the decision-making process.
But I MAY have started going the wrong way on a high-speed road (ie.: I'd be driving against traffic).
That was going to endanger me, and others.
But this man who kept his eyes open and took it upon himself to prevent that, made a difference.
I thanked that guy profusely in my mind and I wished he had stopped so I could thank him properly.
Still remember the car: an Audi A3.
To that guy out there: may have seemed a small thing to him, but made a real difference.
Acted like a true eagle.
How funny. I am currently doing a road trip in England and got in a one way street. I was in Newcastle and people are quite hotblooded there. So he was mad as hell.
Strategy: ignore the first power move to get more value with the strategic, uplifting, & repeat business approach
This is related to the recent YB intro shared in the other thread.
The editor wrote:
Him: we can also do a round of revision
There's a slight frame that he's doing a favor, like it's an added benefit.
And speaks in the singular form.
BUT...
The service booked included TWO rounds of revisions.
Possible (possible!) power move.
BUT... I'm not gonna bring it up yet on this first revision request.
Why not?
Because:
- We may never need the second round, so why destroy social capital now and have a little dispute when we may avoid it altogether. Sure, ni many cases you want to call power moves right away, but not in this case because:
- The "you did a great job so far" approach will probably give me better value, since it's true, and pull often works better than push
- I can add and mention the next work, which adds another incentive for him to do good work and keep a happy customer for a long-term relationship. However that too may lose value now if I raise the issue now
- It may be a mistake rather than a nasty power move you wanna notice everything, but never be too quick to jump to conclusions. He may have done an honest offer and reminded me of the option, but worded it poorly.
So if I raise the issue now and it was an honest mistake, I frame him as dishonest and put him on the defensive which, again, may destroy some social capital and lower his intrinsic motivation to do good work (which I don't want, of course) - I may ask for a second revision, and he'd just go along with it, never mentioning his initial power move. That way, we both ignore the first power move implicitly, never having had any negative effect on me. I may even gain with a strategic approach:
- Strategic ask: "there were 2 revisions included, so this is our last one, I'll give you all the details so we can get it done perfectly", and address his initial power move in a positive way. I demand my right while acknowledging he has no more obligations after this (plus add a covert power move of my own: get it done well, or... What if it's not well done? I may complain and for a third / not be happy with what you've done. But it's not nasty IMO since I'm also taking it upon myself to give him everything to do a good job).
Of course I keep the option open to go assertive and call it out.
But... Just not yet.
Later.
And only if needed.
Remove your SIM card for a happy life on your terms
No lessons learned, just my personal approach to life/work.
I don't have a SIM card on my phone.
I use a e-sim number that can easily be blocked or changed, e-sim Internet plans, and WhatsApp and all other messaging apps mostly on mute.
And some time ago changed my real name on social media to avoid random reach-outs.
And whenever some random service that's not high priority for me asks for phone number, I give my physical SIM number (which is outside the phone more times than not).
And always makes me happy to read these over-zealous support messages unable to reach me:
Yeah, it's because I didn't want you to reach me.
I get their business approach and it's great for their business.
And it's great for a lot of people who use their serivce, too.
Most people want that and feel good and listened to and cared for.
I want TPM to offer that too for those who appreciate it.
But it's not for me.
I don't need it, don't want it, don't appreciate it (and eventually, empowered PU members shouldn't seek that either).
Just solve my issue the most effective way, in which case I'll make myself available or I'll call you, and if it's not for issue solving, don't bother me.
Think about that angle from a mental empowerment perspective and from someone who's focused on being efficient (including if "efficient" means "chilling and not being bothered).
And then someone calls you "to make you feel fully supported" LOL. Imagine wasting time on someone babying you just to "make you feel supported" over something you didn't even particularly need or want :)
Same for when you cancel a service.
If you give a real number that rings at high volume, expect to be reached out to "understand what happened" (ie.: try to change your mind).
No thank you.
Don't inflate your work/authority when it's obvious that your work was simple and straightforward
This is from the report I get on helping me write some of TPM's new articles:
Based on the research, I’ve picked a few articles that rank high for our main keywords and might be helpful to research when you’re writing:
The few articles that are picked "based on the research" are the top articles on Google.
I'm happy with the work they do.
They provide enough insight on other areas that there is no need to take that risk.
So to preface the list with "based on the research" just feels a bit cheap.
The (more straight) approach I'd take instead would be to just say "These are the current top-raking articles".
Funny that it's articles about manipulation :)
Yeah, at work it's the same. It's a game I started to play.
Instead of saying: "I looked it up on the Internet", my colleague would say: "Based on the litterature" which sounds way more authoritative.
So I chameleoned him. Actually it's true: when I look something up on the Internet I do look for original research sources from journals, or guidelines from medical societies. So it's a bit different than your case but still it depends on the words we use: everybody searches the Internet these days.
It's not like we go to a library and ask the local gnome with a key around his neck to guide us to the secret hidden library to have the grimoire.
