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Lucio's journal

which led...

(to bed as we later discover)

while I usually go for sex before the food

makes sense, I have no idea how people can enjoy sex with a full belly, I think I would get indigestion.

I even did what most dating coach would warn against doing

I think most of the even best rules of seduction are only to increase probabilities, not iron rules... when there is attraction or in especial circumstances many rules can be ignored.

Thank you for sharing your experience and thought process.

 

Quote from Stef on October 16, 2020, 1:25 am

makes sense, I have no idea how people can enjoy sex with a full belly, I think I would get indigestion.

Especially if you're on a 20/4 fasting :).
Quote from Stef on October 16, 2020, 1:25 am

I think most of the even best rules of seduction are only to increase probabilities, not iron rules... when there is attraction or in especial circumstances many rules can be ignored.

Yes, exactly.

People who talk in iron rules have either little mental flexibility, or little experience to have seen enough exceptions to those rules.

Plus, it's also contextual.

I think that this slower, chiller approach has these advantages:

  1. Super non-needy
  2. Showing an abundance mindset with actual behavior (worth 1.000 more than any word)
  3. Comes across as more genuine
  4. Provides space to grow her own feelings
  5. Can work better for very conservative / very risk-averse women

On the other hand, it might be less passionate.
And it won't work well with very busy women, in super fast-paced environments, or if there is a bigger geographical distance and meeting more often or more spontaneously is not possible.

In those cases, that slower pace and more casual approach might just end up being a friendly tea with an interesting guy whom she never had the chance to meet again.

Here it worked because the lady is a student who lives nearby and who just finished her internship -and is not yet back in class-. So that meant lots of free time. In this case, that feel of "next door neighbor" to catch up with made this approach very suitable.

Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Mental Empowerment: Unearthing & Fixing Your Poisonous "Musts" With REMBT

I feel that after reading Albert Ellis' 2 books on REMBT / CBT, I might have added one super power-tool to my mindsets.

The power tool is about recognizing and addressing your hidden "musts".

Your "musts" put unduly pressure on yourself, make you less happy and, often, less effective as well, since the added pressure makes you think and strategize less clearly.

I have those "musts" more and more in myself, and I can now spot them from the people around as well.

Sometimes it's very small things.
Like when I wrote the other day that I had to drive fast, or else I was an incompetent pussy.
Or like today under the shower.
I moved the faucet at the coldest option possible, as I often do. I really dislike cold, but I usually push myself to do it. How I do it though is not optimal, and I was able to spot my mental must: "you must do it (and if not, you're a wuss)".

I'm gonna work on these musts and on reframing them now, and if it works out as well as I think it does, I will also be adding them to "Ultimate Power".

Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Fibs are easy and can be a seductive shortcut. But they're low-quality and destroy your reputation. Don't lie.

The other day I was driving with my parents.

I'll cut all the background story to get to the point:

My brother said he had done something.
But I said I didn't believe he had really done it because things didn't add up.
My parents agreed.

Result: his own family had to agree that you can't trust my brother to tell the truth.

It pains me to write it, but that's how it is.

He only lies about small things.
Especially things that he is afraid to admit, or that could make him look bad.
In this case, he wanted to avoid saying something to someone because he was embarrassed to say it.
Totally understandable.
I still pushed him though because I thought it was good to say it. And instead of insisting on his own frame, or instead of taking the hit and say "it embarrasses me to say, sorry, can't do it", he took the easy way out and said that he did it.
Again, also understandable.
But still SO damaging for his status, his reputation, and his general persona.

I like my brother, in many, many ways, he's a great guy.
And a good overall person.

But he's also a small-time liar.

He could be so much higher quality, but that trait of him keeps him stuck scratching with the turkeys.

I don't believe in the idea of always telling the truth, no matter what.
But the general rule is still that you should aim to tell the truth as often as possible.

The little lie is seductive.
It can save you some time, spare you some social pressure, and save you the effort of having to enforce your boundaries or stand behind your values and frames.
And sometimes, like in this case, it can seem like a great way of saving face.

But lies are like mushroom spores.
The more you allow yourself that little comfort, the more lying takes over and becomes a part of who you are.

You want to avoid that: lying as a personality trait prevents you from becoming a high-quality individual -or, if you prefer, the best version of yourself-.

Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

I think it’s a key concept. I’ve been working on becoming more honest for a few years and it has been a tremendous help for my self-esteem and my relationships. It has many advantages:

- It protects us from self-deception: this is one of the root issues preventing us to reach our goals

- It gives us a reputation as a reliable man: useful in dating and the professional World.

- It helps us to bond with others as they can trust that our words and actions will match

I think honesty is a worthwhile pursuit for any person who aspires to great achievements.

My Favorite Developer Dumped Me... Strategies for "Winning Back", Letting Go... & Analyses of Assertiveness

I had a long relationship with an awesome front-end developer.

His name is Ali, and Ali has been handling most of the front-end work since the early days of ThePowerMoves.com.

And he was again pivotal in helping me customize this last theme change.

I wanted to write about Ali, actually.
I wanted to write about him as an example of how important it is to hold onto win-win relationships in business once you find great people who deliver.

Ali also helped me save a lot of time because he was such an honest straight-shooter.
We wouldn't even talk price before work.
After the work was done, I'd ask him:

What do you think is fair

He'd tell me a number which I almost always thought was fair, and we'd go ahead.

Just look at this recent exchange:

And he was so good, that I was always happy to pay him.

Just imagine what a great business relationship where you don't even haggle prices and are happy to pay someone.
That's the peak of win-win.

But he dumped me... 🙂

But instead of writing about how important it is to set up long-running business relationships with your suppliers and partners, I'm telling you about how to handle a (business) breakup 🙂

Ali sometimes interrupted work to go pray.
I don't pray myself, but I respect those who do.

And sometimes I'd wonder how he felt about this website and its dating / sexual content.

So when he told me this he had decided not to work together anymore, I immediately thought it must be because of the content:

Notice what a great message he sent:

  1. Communicates directly and assertively
  2. He gives his availability to keep supporting the work he's already done (so he helps smoothen the transition to a possible new developer)
  3. He communicates empathically, not like a cold robot ("sorry to disappoint you", plus sad face)

A true class act.

My reaction: handling judge powers

At first, I felt a bit judged and rejected.

In a way, his "business breakup" said:

I judge your work to be unethical / not good enough for me

And by extension, it was also a partial judgment on me.

Judge dynamics are much stronger when we respect others, like, and/or admire soeone.
And I liked and respected Ali.

So there was a part of me who wanted to negate the rejection, prove myself good, to say "I'm a good guy, I work to help people".

But knowing these dynamics also helped me overcome them.
And good I knew that anything too defensive would put me in the power-down, plus coming across very chasey and needy.
This is where PQ ("power quotient", definition/article to follow) must meet your emotional self to negotiate a good response that takes into account both drives and needs.

Accepting the breakup + giving myself chances to turn his decision around

I knew chances were low, but I also wanted to give myself some chances to win him back because he's great, so this was my answer:

It first asks if I can do anything.

Then, it indirectly explains my position.
It doesn't go overly defensive, like "I'm just writing to help people, I don't do anything wrong" and similar.
That would be too much.

But it's also very honest and vulnerable, doesn't hide that I do want him.
And at the same time, it shows I'm ready and willing to move on without anything crazy (in relationships, this would be to stalk her, threaten her physical/financial well-being, plead, etc. In business, it would be to offer whatever money he wants, threaten a bad review, etc.)

And it ends by empowering him: "it's your choice".

And more:

"Finding someone better than you, it's impossible"

This was a bit of a flattery power move.
But also showed I was already past it, and harboring NO anger whatsoever, but lots of love.

This says a lot of great things about you: someone dumps you, indirectly judges you "not good enough", and you still have nothing but great praise for them?
Powerful stuff.

Outside of business, I won more than one lover back with this attitude back in the days.

It didn't win back Ali, this time.
But it's OK.
Nothing works every single time.
Life is all about increasing your odds (and staying true to your high standards).

So now there's a great guy around... Go fetch him 🙂

There is a reason why I didn't blur his name.
And it's because this is not just a journal entry, but also a review.

Ali is awesome, so if you need a front-end developer, go for him.

Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Boom. Just boom. Classy Lucio self. Beginning-Middle-End. No comments, everything is already said.

One question: how did the question of morality of the content came into being?

Thank you John!

Yeah, the thing is... He is Muslim religious, so it was hanging in the back of my mind he might not appreciate some of the content here.
The other day he read around the website, and said he knew it was helping people in some areas, but he was still uncomfortable with some of it. He didn't exactly say what to be honest, so it was my personal guess that it was the dating / sexual side.

On his last job today he didn't want to be paid, which showed again his great attitude, and of course I insisted to pay and left a great last review.

Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Got it. Yes, so it was the natural course. Thanks for sharing!