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Lucio's journal

Meeting your mates' GF: watch out you don't over-flirt

Tonight I met my mate's GF.

Meeting your friend's spouse can be a sticky social situation.
It's even more so for women who introduce their BF to their social circle, but also for guys, there can be some pitfalls.

If your mate's GF is flirty and sexy, and you're having some drinks for example... You should be careful.
Some girl will likely enjoy it, and some more manipulative women will welcome the jealousy and competition. So it's up to you to keep it friendly and fun, but to not overstep it.

I think I might have overstepped it a little tiny bit.
It would have been OK with the most guys, it wasn't anything offensive or too sexual. But I should have known that my mate is a bit more on the jealous side. I've noticed his body language and then made sure to step back.

Some parts of this evening were interesting and remarkable from a social and power dynamics point of view, but I'll skip the details this time.

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Bittersweet symphony that is this life: the difficult farewells

I'm never been good at farewells.

I'm quite a sentimental person, but mostly preferred to keep that side for myself.

Tonight I was out with HS, my regular girl here in Seoul. It was the first time out since I told her I'm about to leave. And it was either the last time we met, or the second last if we manage one more.
In any case, it was the first time we faced the elephant in our story: our unavoidale, abrupt expiry date.

We avoided the topic in the beginning.
Then mentioned how sad it was and promised to stick to happier topics, which we managed for longer than I expected.
And finally came the tears.
I'm glad I matured enough to tell her what I wanted to say. But not (yet) vulnerable to the point of publicly crying, so I held back my tears until I was alone, walking back home.

Sometimes tears are part and parcel of romance. And they don't erase or negate the beauty.
In net balance, we had a great romance, and we enriched each other.

 

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Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on September 23, 2020, 6:24 pm

Bittersweet symphony that is this life: the difficult farewells

I'm never been good at farewells.

I'm quite a sentimental person, but mostly preferred to keep that side for myself.

Tonight I was out with HS, my regular girl here in Seoul. It was the first time out since I told her I'm about to leave. And it was either the last time we met, or the second last if we manage one more.
In any case, it was the first time we faced the elephant in our story: our unavoidale, abrupt expiry date.

We avoided the topic in the beginning.
Then mentioned how sad it was and promised to stick to happier topics, which we managed for longer than I expected.
And finally came the tears.
I'm glad I matured enough to tell her what I wanted to say. But not (yet) vulnerable to the point of publicly crying, so I held back my tears until I was alone, walking back home.

Sometimes tears are part and parcel of romance. And they don't erase or negate the beauty.
In net balance, we had a great romance, and we enriched each other.

So sad. can't you do long distance

Quote from Tina on September 25, 2020, 7:40 am

So sad. can't you do long distance

Hello Tina,

Thank you for the support :).

I’m not necessarily against long-distance, but only if one of the two has concrete plans of moving where the other person lives.
This was not the case.

The responsibility of managing your partner's feeling

What pains me far more than my own micro-heartbreak is the thought that I might have hurt her.

I know she struggled in life, since she was open to sharing everything.
Her abusive father died early, and she takes care of her mother who is now paralyzed. Plus, she had recently ended a multi-year relationship when we met.

I know I helped her a lot, but that was a double-edged sword.
The more I helped her and made her feel good, the more she admired and looked up to me.

And then, all of a sudden, I was gone.

Right at peak infatuation.

Breaking up right at the infatuation phase

Breaking up at the infatuation stage can be really painful.

There was no "real life" in our story.

Just romance.
It went quickly from 0 to 100, stayed to 100, and then went quickly from 100 to 0. No in between.

That’s a big emotional crash.

And I think I didn’t handle this properly.

Unprepared for this situation, I mishandled it

In hindsight, I could have probably done it better.

Options to minimize emotional hurt

My options were:

  1. Stop seeing her early on (rationale: you can't hurt a heart that was never in love to begin with)
  2. Keep seeing her, leave suddenly & without saying anything, then text her that I was gone (rationale: you enjoy the romance, and then concentrate the pain, rather than dragging it on)
  3. Tell her I was going to leave from the first few dates, and remind her about it as we kept seeing each other (rationale: you keep reminding of the incoming pain, you frame the relationship as temporary and brief. Love doesn't develop as fully, and nobody's under any illusions)

The third option was the best, in my opinion.

Especially if compounded with slightly fewer dates, and slightly less romantic.
Talking to her about other men she could have been seeing, for example, or hinting that I was also out dating, would have been great as well.

But I didn't do it. I thought -and hoped- that me leaving was embedded in the relationship.
Plus, the thought of ending it was also unpalatable for me, so I was also probably hiding it from myself.
Contrary to me, as I later found out, she never thought about the future and was living in the moment (artsy type).

It was a very bad in-between where I broke the news late enough to let the emotions develop, but early enough that I'd be still around and prolong that painful phase of "we're still near, but he's going soon".

Next steps: meet again, and fix the situation?

Well, the story isn't fully over yet.

I still have a few days left, and maybe an opportunity to make things better.

She wrote me proposing a last meet-date (without crying, she said).

And now I'm pondering whether we should meet again or not.

But I'm also pondering if I could do anything to make things better.

How?

Well, by ruining our last time together.

The better an image she has of me, the harder the heartbreak.
And the opposite is true.

If I can leave a bad image, coming across as far worse than I would otherwise do, that would ruin her image of me. And it might help.

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Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on September 27, 2020, 7:33 am

And now I'm pondering whether we should meet again or not.

But I'm also pondering if I could do anything to make things better.

How?

Well, by ruining our last time together.

The better an image she has of me, the harder the heartbreak.
And the opposite is true.

If I can leave a bad image, coming across as far worse than I would otherwise do, that would ruin her image of me. And it might help.

I think this is extremely intelligent and a truly antifragile-ego approach!

Of course it depends on how exactly you ruin it, as I can think of harmless ways and harmful ones, but by making the last impression of yourself bad, this can really help her immensly to recover at the very least mid-term.

Now thinking about it, one can even see this as a sort of responsibility one has at a certain point if you are -so much- better than most other men she ever met or most likely ever will, it makes sense to end it in a way she can go back and move on.

I think I read to a similiar problem referred to as 'Alpha widow', and Alpha here being the full package including lifestyle, not just a dominant man.

Thinking on your feet for smart negotiation:

Negotiation: realized I was offering lots of value, turned it into a "jump on this"

Yesterday I was talking to a neighbor of mine to rent him my garage.

I was expecting some resistance on my price and was ready to come out a bit.
But instead, he said:

Neighbor: Parking in the street costs like 400 a month

Damn, that was naive of him to share that -and dumb of me not to research some more, but then again... I'd rather spend my time on TPM-.

I was more than fine to rent at the ask price, so I used the opportunity to only put some pressure on him:

Me: Yeah, for sure, it's a great saving, I know, I'm renting it low because I'm always traveling and need to find someone quick (= get it soon and don't negotiate me down or someone will scoop it up)

If I wanted to be a negotiation scalper I might have gone up with the price a bit. For example, by making up non-existing competition.
But that was too manipulative in my opinion, so I just used the occasion to give him some time pressure. He took on the very next day, no hassle.

Getting out of cancellation fees with Silver Medal

I was canceling a doctor appointment for later today (more than 2h in advance) when the lady on the phone said:

"There is a 50 penalty"

I didn't think it was cool to ask for that much money for a cancellation.
That would have already been too much for the simple 2 minute question I had to ask, in my opinion, let alone for cancellation.

So I wanted to avoid paying it.
And I said:

Yeah, yeah, look, today I can't so I will rebook for tomorrow

This is a form of silver medal technique: treat me well now, so you can get my business tomorrow.

In this case, a grey area, since after this I wasn't sure if I wanted to book with them anymore.

But it was fair in my system of values, since I considered high cancellation fees a form of power scalping for those who can't back out.

When she asked what time I'd like to book again I said something "I'm outside home now dealing with this thing, let me check my calendar and I'll get back to you", and I was out without penalty.

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Today was my first day on a racetrack, driving a high-powered sportscar.

It was good fun.

A few lessons learned:

  • Better controlling my mind to take the "performance pressure" off 

Before trackday I was looking forward to it.

But I also felt quite some "pressure" which, I think, was unneeded.

Pressure for what, you might wonder?

The pressure to be good.

After reading about REMBT I knew better.
It was part of the underlying "MUSTs" in my life that I haven't yet fully addressed.

My "must" in this case was:

I must be fast

Or, in general, "I must be good".

In this case, since we were talking about a typically male sport, my deep must was :

"I must be fast, and if I'm not, I'm a pussy"

Edit: to find out your hidden "musts" and control them, you be first honest with yourself. It's not PC to admit that you think "you're a pussy", but that's exactly how many guys think. And if it's you, it won't help you an inch to deny it.

Once I addressed that with some CBT I immediately switched and improved my mindset.
I told myself something like this:

Fast compared to what, and to whom?
It's nonsense to make comparisons when driving fast was never your life goal and main focus.
Sure, in a way, somehow, it might say something good about you if you're able to go fast on the first try (it's importnat to be honest when you challenge your thoughts!). But it will say far better things if you're able to go super slow and still have a good time.
Now that's some mental power (seek to tell yourslef the truth when you challenge your thoughts and you'll be far more successful).

And I also reminded myself that I'm more a guy about "savoring" life, than getting as fast as possible -savoring food, rather than gorging; savoring wine, rather than getting wasted; savoring romance, rather than seeking more partners at once, or as many as possible in a row-.

And that the pressure of "being fast" was an external one. And me, being me, I was going to buck that BS.
Now that's an empowering challenge.
My real "race", was in conquering the undue pressure I might put myself on. And if I just cruised around, it was still going to be a hell of a good time.

And I also remembered that I build my ego and pride in learning.

And, finally that I was going to thoroughly enjoy this day with my Nepalese pal I hadn't seen in a long time. That was the main course of the day. What not to look forward to?

Then I switched my body physiology into one of excitement.

That helped me make a big shift in my mindset, which lasted well into the track day.

  • Social Skills to the rescue: more laps, and twice as many next time

Me and my buddy booked 4 laps each.

2 taxi, being driven around by a pilot, and 2 driving ourselves.

We got 6, 4 driving ourselves, and 2 with a pilot.

Now I can't be 100% sure, but I'm pretty convinced that was in large part because I had sent an email to the organizer before being there -he knows who you are before you show up? Big difference-, and by being warm and friendly upon arriving.

Now that's all good and dandy.

But there is more.

Before leaving, my buddy was about to just walk away -exactly what most anyone would do-.

What was wrong with that?

Simple: you never leave before saying goodbye to all the organizers!
We both had a blast of a time, why not thank the pilots and organizers for giving us that great day?

Such an easy way of building people up, claiming some social credits, and setting some easy win-win.

And guess what the organizer told me after I went to him, thanked him, and said we had a blast of a day?

Organizer: you can send an email to Philip (the CEO, Ed.), you know, just as a feedback to let him know all was good

My friend missed it.

But you, as a power dynamics student, can you spot what he was doing?

He was indirectly asking for a good review to his boss ("buttercup technique").

And I will probably do it, and maybe I'll put him in CC, too.

Guess who will get twice as many laps and a warm welcome when I might show up there next for the motorbike training day?

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"I must be fast, and if I'm not, I'm a pussy"

  • What I find funny is that in other contexts we know that powerful men move at their own pace, makes other move at the pace they want, and this pace powerful men tend to move at is usually more on the slow side than on the fast one!
  •  Seems like you have a lot of fun Lucio, I am happy to hear that!
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Thanks mate, yeah, it was a blast.

I've thought of supercars designed to be fast first, and comfortable a distant second, to be big toys. And that it was somewhat the sign of immaturity to buy or collect them.

However, since they're so fun to drive, I'm somewhat changing my mind on this.

I still disapprove of guys who buy supercars and grease and kiss them as if they were in love with them, since that's prioritizing things over people, something I disagree with.

But when it comes to the pleasure of driving... Why not.

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Back to Berlin I've been keeping a very low profile, going out little and focusing mostly on work.

I've done one single approach in 2 weeks, which lead to a date, which lead to a second date, which led

No games, dating like friends, except with sex: great learning experience

It was a different type of dating and mindset this time.

Usually, I go out with a plan and with the mindset of wanting to make things happen.

Not this time.

I wanted a break from work as much, if not more, than I wanted a sexual partner.

And the fact that she lives nearby was perfect. Super easy to organize, no need to move, and easy to combine with other tasks. Both times we met right in front of my place, me going out with trash bags to throw away (not very romantic, is it :).

So I was out with little expectations and little agenda.
It was little sexuality, and very high comfort. No sexual innuendos -well, just one to be precise-, no "kino", no games. It seemed like friends, except that we actually had sex.

Even at home today for dinner, we actually cooked and had dinner before moving to bed (while I usually go for sex before the food).

Very, very good learning experience.
I think this works great if there is some natural attraction already.
In that case, all the games in the world might add some attraction, but at the price of looking more "try hard" and feeling less natural.

Today it was also super spontaneous, and I even did what most dating coach would warn against doing: helping her out before getting sexual.

I called her after that and agreed to join her.
I walked with her to her chore, helped her out, then went to the lake at the park nearby, had a detox juice, and then home to cook.

The sex itself was nothing to write home about.
She was low sex drive, and very low experience.
But that's OK.

The bigger issue is that she lost 2-3 points right at the end, unluckily.
So we'll see how it goes from here.

Good to have had some city romance though, I know that my chances back at my village are slim to none 😀

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