Lucio's journal
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on February 10, 2021, 8:39 pmReally, really good message John, thanks.
I'm glad my message about this sensitive topic was well received.
Talking about parents, people might feel like they're "weird" or "strange exceptions" when it comes to poor parenting who affected them.
But when you get to know people well, you realize that it might actually be a silent majority.
Definitely.
I think the message above might have framed my father worse than he actually is.
He only did those privacy-annoying moves since he's retired, older, and got a lot of time on his hands. Nothing similar ever happened when I was growing up, when he was working on his business, or when he was doing more photography.Still, a lot of deep and valid points in your message.
Alright, good to know. It's always grey area anyway.
PARENTS & US: IT'S A MIX
I personally think that my avoidant attachment style is because of my mom, more than my dad, and because of me.
That second part one should always remember: I am close to Albert Ellis in believing that the past and the parents have been long overblown by psychoanalysis.
That's a deep topic that deserve a beer (or a few) in a pub.
Ellis for example asked a lot of his patients who were blaming their parents for some specific issues of theirs how their brother and sister turned out. A good chunk of the time, their kins either had different issues, or no issues.
That rang a big bell for me because it was the exact same for me: my brother is so different, and certainly not an avoidant, and he probably had a worse mother than I did (younger and less experienced), and a worse father (younger and sometimes away from home).
Yes, but that is the point of systemic therapy. It's about the role you play in the family. It's a complex topic. However, it can still be explained by the family dynamics (siblings play a role too). Indeed, there are many variables at play.
THERAPY
I did consider therapy, and even signed up to "Better Help" once, but didn't go through it.
For a period, I even contemplated whether I should have addressed my mother about what I thought were her mistakes (what do you think about that, by the way?).
I think that just as above it depends on the emotional and psychological maturity of the person. Just like you did with your father if it's important to you to express it, then go for it. However, it's impossible to expect the person to understand, acknowledge, apologize or regret. And sometimes that's what we expect when we enter in communication: to feel hear and understood. And if the person in front of us is not able to do so then the wound stays open. That's why I think it's up to us to close it. Some people never get to talk to their parents again because they died. But they still have to heal anyway.
But even that, never done it.
I guess it's also a matter of "how much does it bother you".
Yes it is.
And since it was more of a nagging thing, rather than an open wound, I never went through.
Still didn't completely abandon the idea though.
Here are my thoughts, so you can see where I stand:
- I think most people would benefit from going to therapy (back to your silent majority concept), like 90% of people. It's like learning social skills or power dynamics: you cannot know the benefit if you don't go through it. People can explain to you the benefits they had, the theory, etc. but it's not the same to do it. Also, I think that the limitation of us as human beings as of now is not the technology, it's all the aspects of knowing ourselves: psychology, emotions, self-control. So this is where the growing lies.
- It's true: we will do it only when there is no other choice. That was my case: the pain was too big for too long. That's also a common issue in self-development: we don't address the things that we can bear. However, as you noted with the micro-aggressions, the death of a thousand cut is a reality.
So it's your choice. I can only share my experience with you. Despite your statement about overblowing the influence of our parents, which I think is a great topic of conversation, I'm a pragmatic, like you. I'm all about "what works" and reality-based thinking. So the rationale is that in our subconscious there are wounds that were created through the relationship with our parents (one of them often more than the other). These wounds are not accessible to the conscious mind. So, we carry them and they become part of us and influence our thoughts and actions (in a negative way). So, to be able to heal these wounds, I think therapy (also, meditation and psychedelics) are the best tools. Because they are the tools that help us go deep in the mind to heal it.
That is my thinking about it. I think in the future it will be commonplace: to have a therapist will be like having a hairdresser.
Now, the delicate point is to choose the therapist, that's another topic. The keyword is trust. I would also rather go for face-to-face.
Awesome, awesome post, John, thanks!
These 3-4 posts above might deserve to be spun into another thread on their own maybe.
You're the chief, ok for me. 🙂
"Leave a review". Now that you tell me to, I sure won't...
So I've taken my second surfing lesson today -a blast-.
I arrived early, and this makes a great case study on reading people.
This is what I wrote him:
Listen how he replies:
Pay attention to how he sounds.
Sounds on the angry side, he defends himself very strongly, saying "I got 20 minutes", and he repeats "9 o'clock".
Indeed, the lessons confirmed he was a power-craving guy, on the dominant side.
The first lesson went well, and he said:
Him: It's not you or the board, it's the instructor
Quite funny, in a way, but the self-frame is "I got more power than you"
And the end of today's second and last lesson:
Him: Did you enjoy?
Me: Yeah, thanks man, it was a blast
Him: Leave me a good review
That's what you can expect from dominant people if you haven't drawn your boundaries.
And I might not define myself as "power craving", but I definitely want to keep my righteous power intact.
I was going to leave him a good review.
But after he told me to... Fuggedaboutit.
What about
Great surf lessons.
But keeps asking for good reviews.
This reminds me of a friend when we were applying for jobs quite a couple of years ago.
At the end of having a beer,
Him: (while walking away) Send me your list of companies and positions that you are applying to.
My Other Friend: Yeah, he's a dominant guy.
Don't want him to be in the same company : ).
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on February 12, 2021, 6:46 pmHim: It's not you or the board, it's the instructor
What a dick. I took surf lessons and the guy was so cool, it's still a great memory. He's the kind of guy who is a disgrace to this beautiful sport/art. He's just a lazy guy who got drunk the night before, is not professional and not even cool. Surfing does not make you cool. Being cool makes you cool.
Him: Leave me a good review
Dick move #2
That's what you can expect from dominant people if you haven't drawn your boundaries.
That's what you can expect from dicks. I know plenty of dominant guys who are not dicks.
And I might not define myself as "power craving", but I definitely want to keep my righteous power intact.
It's not even about power, it's about being a decent individual. Basic respect.
I was going to leave him a good review.
But after he told me to... Fuggedaboutit.
Yes, he can basically go f##k himself. He's the kind of guy who takes advantage of tourists. And then it becomes your experience. So he's a disservice to his country. I mean it. Then you go home and you have this story with the surf instructor in Costa Rica who's a dick.
There is this saying: "when we travel we are the ambassadors of our own country". It's true the other way around.
The Big Red Flag of Feminism
As a chocolate lover, I've done 3 coca experience: 2 in the plantations, and one in the "factory".
Doing my own bars was a true dream come true:
And that "chocolate stream" machine... I was so excited getting to work on that:
It reminded me of a friend of mine saying that paradise is a place with streams and rivers of Nutella (obviously a fan of sugar though, rather than chocolate).
At the plantation there ladies weren't exactly the most feminine of the bunch -if you think it's difficult being feminine at the office, try working the field :)-.
Separating cacao beans from the shell
The Western woman who owned the field and chaperoned the small group quickly made it clear where she stood in terms of intersexual relationships.
Joking about a machine who gets the job done quickly and well, and one who does it slow and not so well, she said:
It's like a man, and a vibrator.
The vibrator is quick and efficient, and you then get on with your day and get things done.
The man, well... Sorry guys.
And then she looked around for approval, feeling like a high-power smartass.
Who laughs who doesn't also tells you a lot about personalities and power dynamics.
Men who laugh at it might be either:
- be pussy-whipped
- virtue-signaling
- nervous at the beginning of a new social circle
- laughing with the leader as a way of being "included" in the group
And of course, some might just be very open-minded and with antifragile egos and just enjoy the laugh.
Albeit I think of myself as rather open-minded, I still find those types of jokes confrontational, rather than collaborative, and value-taking, so she wasn't getting my laugh.
Instead, I sought eye contact with some of the other guys and pursed my lips, as if to say "that wasn't really funny".
When you avoid laughing at the bad leader's joke, it's also an opportunity for you to show power, and where you personally stand.
And you want to take that opportunity to show that one, you have different values, and two, that you can do without the "leader" approval (and that you live by your own rules).
If the group prefers your stance and also thinks the joke was tacky, then that's a great opportunity for quick status-gaining.
Wow what an experience man!
I am thinking about getting some chocolate now.
It reminded me of this brand "Cailler".
I tried this when I was in Switzerland.
Maybe John is very familiar with this brand!
What a different level of passion to make your own chocolate bar!
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on March 3, 2021, 5:51 amAlbeit I think of myself as rather open-minded, I still find those types of jokes confrontational, rather than collaborative, and value-taking, so she wasn't getting my laugh.
Instead, I sought eye contact with some of the other guys and pursed my lips, as if to say "that wasn't really funny".
I don't really find the joke funny as well.
A bit crude amidst the beautiful, elegant chocolate.
When you avoid laughing at the bad leader's joke, it's also an opportunity for you to show power, and where you personally stand.
And you want to take that opportunity to show that one, you have different values, and two, that you can do without the "leader" approval (and that you live by your own rules).
If the group prefers your stance and also thinks the joke was tacky, then that's a great opportunity for quick status-gaining.
It's interesting to think that our sense of humour can tie to our deeper, inner qualities like values.
It seems to be true.
Never really thought about power-aligning with sense of humour or gaining power via disagreeing with another's sense of humour.
Thank you, Matthew.
Yes, I started getting into raw chocolate (no added sugar) some time ago and mixing it with a variety of fruits, yogurt, and nuts, and since then it's been a love fest :).
And yes, the patterns of laughing in a group tells you a lot about characters and power dynamics.
Let People Gush, Don't Kill Them With "I've Done That"
I was gushing about how awesome it was that I had done something cool recently.
And my speaking partner said coolly, "Oh, I've done that".
Then I said something else I had tried, and she said "oh, I've done that too".
The way she said it felt as if to say "nothing special there", or as if she was in a race to who has done what.
You don't need to lie, you can totally say you've done something.
But a better way of doing it:
You: Oh so cool, I've done that in X some time ago, how was it?
Notice:
- "Oh so cool" build up the receiver and keeps the momentum
- "I've done that in X" sets you up for sharing your own experience later on, developing rapport and connection
- "How was it" gives space for the speaker to keep on speaking, and gives them carte blanche to "brag", gush, or do whatever they wanted to do. as a matter of fact, the more you allow them to do what they wanted to do, the more they will like you, and the more they will seek you