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Lucius' Journal - Take Action ?

Hi my name is Lucius; friends also call me Lucas sometimes as they have similar meaning and origin. Note that the name has nothing to do with me being Lucio's big fan. I came here last month and some of my previous stories are linked at the end.

Over the last few weeks I've been trying to dig deep into my dissatisfaction, take action, and change my mindsets. My biggest dissatisfaction about myself is procrastination: I think too much, when take so little action. I found myself three major mindsets that are the causes of (not) procrastinating, and therefore assigned myself three family of (daily) tasks to practice and trying to move towards those mindsets. Of course there are many other useful mindsets, but I choose to focus on one at a time. David Goggins once find hundreds of things  the way of thinking, life style, and communication style . Self-development is a long journey.

Yesterday I received a few feedbacks from Lucio which further assured my direction and indirectly encouraged me to write down this post for further criticism.

1 . Optimism: highly correlated with procrastination

I remember one day I told my (old) boss: our competitor launched a similar program right before us, such a bad news. He said it is not necessarily a bad news, as it indicates that A. this playground is hot: smart people are investing and consumers are accepting this concept B. we will be free-riding public goods C. we can learn from them and put their wisdom into our project but they cannot do the same, and D. other second-mover advantages.

Although I've been trying to be optimistic for years, from that example and some of my recent posts, I still have a long way to go.

2. Seeing the big picture: resisting short-term pleasure

Research shows that the ability of resisting short-term pleasure is negatively correlated with the time discount factor in one's utility function; a low time discount factor is one of the signs of being optimistic.

There are so many short-term pleasure. Even if I was at the work place and generally don't have the distractions such as TV and movies, I might still fall in the pitfall of short-term pleasure: for example, browsing internet, collecting information, thinking, and planning are way more "entertaining" than actually move and get the work done. Moreover, unlike other form of short-term pleasures, thinking and browsing articles are both enjoyable and guilty-free, as they seems to be necessary parts of finishing the work.

3. Assertiveness

Research shows that assertiveness is negatively correlated with anxiety, setting unreasonable goals, and thus procrastination.

I find myself being somewhere between passive and passive-aggressive at most of time, and, occasionally, if someone really irritate me, I will turn into aggressive mode.

Moreover, I find that there are so many dissatisfaction and discomfort, which I did not take quick action on. What I did, instead, is to complain, then pretend that I am fine, and then let it be it. I did not speak up to others or myself. I always find excuses to delay my action.

Other dissatisfactions on myself include approval-seeking and care too much about others' (possible) opinions. By saying "possible opinion", I mean that I think too much about other's potential, future opinions, even before acting.


Here are a list of daily tasks to gradually transform my mindset:

Be optimistic

  1. Think about two good things happened today
  2. Think about one bad thing happened today and find two reasons why it is actually a good thing
  3. Watch positive video only and skip negative ones if possible

See the big picture: When two tasks are competing for resources and time, only choose the one with long-term utility. Here are some example tasks:

  1. Make long term and daily plans
  2. When the desire of pursuing short-term pleasure is about to prevail, do a task related to long-term goal for at least one minute
  3. Throw away cellphone until all boxes are checked
  4. Meditate

Be assertive and take immediate action: when discomfort is felt, immediately identify who caused it: some other guy or myself? Then use DESOE to enunciate my need. Daily task:

  1. Identify one discomfort and practice DESOE on the same day

 


Others: approval seeking, care about other's opinion much,

 

 

PS: Please bear with my English as I am too busy today to proofread. However, I cannot wait to have my recent efforts criticized by you guys.

 

Some past stories:

https://thepowermoves.com/forum/topic/what-did-an-average-guy-learn-in-the-first-few-weeks/?part=1

https://thepowermoves.com/forum/topic/how-to-handle-demeaning-or-neg-the-win-lose-power-moves/#postid-6828

https://thepowermoves.com/forum/topic/lucios-journal/?part=9#postid-7210

 

 

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on April 4, 2021, 5:35 pm
Quote from selffriend on April 4, 2021, 7:10 am

I disagree with any tentative forum rule which excludes the human feeling of sadness. Permission to be frank:

  1. Everyone feels sad sometimes. Trying to hide things is a sign of low value man (though, I respect low value man equally as high value man like you)
  2. Recognizing or expressing the feeling of sadness does not equal to give up or not trying to improve. In fact, recognizing sadness or failure motivates oneself to become better
  3. Sadness is a natural feeling which is not equal to failure
  4. Even if you failed, it does not necessarily imply a defeatist mindset
  5. Even if you have a defeatist mindset, as long as you are not attacking or forcing others, you have the freedom of speech to express this mindset
  6. Forcing people to only express positive emotion while banning truth telling or expressing negative emotion seem like a common measure of an authoritative governance

On the other hand, I conditionally agree that people should be encouraged, in a "power through" manner, to be positive and optimistic when self-reflecting or writing about themselves.

Note that the original reply was to support your topic with an example rather than self-reflecting.

OFF-TOPIC

Cheers for politely and effectively disagreeing, and thank you for speaking up to it.

Notice I expressly avoided the word "rule", but it'd be more like a "code" with values and mindsets.

A few notes on this topic:

  • How you end things matters: ending on a negative is different than putting it in the middle and frames your whole communication
  • How you modulate things matters: if you had said "sad, in a way, but now I found this place so things might change again :D", very different, right?
  • Positive frame of "cool I had" VS "sad I don't have anymore": I used to jump tables that reached my belly button. I don't do it anymore. Rather than saying "sad I don't", why not thinking "cool I could do that"
  • How you think matters deeply: mindsets, approaches and frames might be far more important than power dynamics and social strategies. That's why I'd rather intervene strongly, than feebly -and I might sometimes overdo it-
  • How anyone writes affects how the community thinks: to keep a "can-do" attitude, "can't do" attitude must be limited, because it's like bad weed: it crowds out the good seeds we want more of

Power through is far better, in the vast majority of the times.

As for everything, it's circumstantial.

What lessons do kids remember the most?

It's when an otherwise supportive parent slapped once when they did something really wrong.
That lesson, will stay for a lifetime.

Of course, this is a very different scenario.

You're not a kid, but a cool guy.
I'm not your parent, but a guy working on himself just like you are.

Still, we are also here to learn in a way, so in a way, we're all kids.
If I see a potentially harmful mindset or attitude and can use a stronger reminder that is more effective to you and the community, I might go for it.

That being said, I appreciate your feedback and I think you make a great point.
Sometimes I might exaggerate or write too quickly, and it's good to have people like you who can effectively tell me to "chill out" :).

So if I offended: I say sorry to you, that wasn't my intention, and I hope you can forgive me :).

OFF-TOPIC

No one is offended at all! Let's move the discussion here as this topic is kind of off-topic for the other thread.

I am glad to hear that there wouldn't be any hard rules on expressing things.

I have been trying to practice to become optimistic for a few days, and now those tips you mentioned are indeed very helpful.

So I will add the following task into my daily routine:

4. When telling a story, always end with a positive, abundance, and growth mindset rather than negative feelings.

5. Identify one unhealthy thoughts each day, and reframe it as a healthy one

6. start reading 9 Best Positive Psychology Books | + Free Summaries | The Power Moves

Building mindsets is a long journal. Are you aware of any effective mindset-building techniques in general? Something like what is the best way and best time to practice. Something like: "is it better to meditate myself or practice the technique with others or talk with a psychologist?"

"Is asking questions dominant or submissive?"

I am thinking about this question today, as the following two excerpts from TPM seems to contradict one other at the first glance:

a question puts the asker in a position of weakness. The asker admits he doesn’t know something, while the person who answers is in a position of power for having the information and the “expertise”.
Even if the person who answers doesn’t really have any answer, the person who asks still advertises his ignorance with the simple fact that he had to ask.

 

It’s the dominant person who asks questions and the subordinate person who answers.

My understanding (by no mean perfect): Those two lines do not contradict at all.

The question itself does weaken the person's position a little bit, but at most of the time, the dominating guy asks more questions. Stronger guys do not dare to demonstrate their vulnerability, because they can afford it. Weak guys don't ask questions either because they are afraid of being shamed, or they don't know how to ask a good question.

For example, think about when a boss is assigning tasks or a teacher is teaching something, what type of employee or student will ask more questions?

The first type is of course the star. Stars ask smartly crafted, deep, value-adding questions that build up the whole team. The other type is badboy, who did not pay attention to the instructors, asking dumb questions or "teasing" questions. One can be both the star and the badboy. Both types are kind of dominating comparing to their mediocre peers, in my opinion.

Quote from selffriend on April 5, 2021, 3:24 am

Hi my name is Lucius; friends also call me Lucas sometimes as they have similar meaning and origin. Note that the name has nothing to do with me being Lucio's big fan. I came here last month and some of my previous stories are linked at the end.

What were the chances :).

Quote from selffriend on April 5, 2021, 3:24 am

Yesterday I received a few feedbacks from Lucio which further assured my direction and indirectly encouraged me to write down this post for further criticism.

1 . Optimism: highly correlated with procrastination

I remember one day I told my (old) boss: our competitor launched a similar program right before us, such a bad news. He said it is not necessarily a bad news, as it indicates that A. this playground is hot: smart people are investing and consumers are accepting this concept B. we will be free-riding public goods C. we can learn from them and put their wisdom into our project but they cannot do the same, and D. other second-mover advantages.

Although I've been trying to be optimistic for years, from that example and some of my recent posts, I still have a long way to go.

Optimism might have something to do with it, and it's worth working on it.

But might also be intertwined with other mindsets, like for example "dangers or opportunities", which is somewhat similar, but not the same.

Or "scarcity VS abundance" mindsets -albeit I'm not too big into that one as I've often seen it quite misapplied-.

Check this post for example, something I thought about after our exchange.
That different mindset makes it seem like I was more optimistic, but it's more about a general way of looking at things and at life.

It's definitely worth to be looking more into it though: people that come across as pessimistic, or negative, struggle to hold onto to other high-quality doers and go-getters.
Worst of all though: you just spend more time on negative thinking, and enjoy life less, no matter what you have or do.

Stef and selffriend have reacted to this post.
Stefselffriend
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Update:

I've done my first DMR on reshaping my mindsets. Here are some thoughts that comes up.

People frequently talk about mindsets. But, what is mindset?

Here is my understand, which is by no mean the perfect one: mindset is a set of methods that guide your rationality to turn information into interpretation and then turn interpretation into action.

Information --> Interpretation --> Action

Information includes everything that feeds into your brain. It includes other's reaction against you, your biological instincts that pops up, and your emotional feelings that come up.

Interpretation is the judgement your rationality given on those information. "Are these things bad or good?"

Action is the decision made by your rationality (or emotion) based on the judgement.

For example, the "feeling of sad" is an emotional feeling (or a biological response), which is a piece of information fed into my brain. It does not have any mindset, per se.

However, I could use a positive mindset to process this piece of information:

Information: the feeling of sad --> Interpretation: I find that I still have room here to improve --> Action: I am now highly motivated to do self-improvement 

 

Here is another example that I've been analyzing for a while: a hypothetical texting exchange between a hot baby (HB) and a TPM expert.

TPM Expert: Let's have wine together. What do you think?

(After a while)

HB: Hello

(Immediately)

TPM Expert: Hello is not an answer.

HB: I think we need to know each other more.

(Immediately)

TPM Expert: This is an answer.

HB: Did you have a good time last week?

In this example, there exists not only "information", but also the Expert's interpretation and action. So we could do a little analysis on this specific hypothetical scenario.

Information: she says "Hello" --> Interpretation: the HB is uncooperative and not investing here -->  Action: I must fight back by being dominate and assertive

In this case, the Expert take quick, dominating, and assertive action. So we could say that he has an assertive and dominate mindset at least in the action part. However, the interpretation part of his mindset is somewhat pessimistic in this specific case.

In my experience, when people replies you after a while, some of them prefer to initiate by a short greeting like "hi", and then write some material responses. This way seems more natural to them.

Moreover, "hello" could be a positive response, because many women double text or even triple text after greeting with "hello". If you send her immediate response, she might start to reply to your new messages, and delete the old message that she was still editing. For example, here, let's hide the "hello is not an answer":

TPM Expert: Let's have wine together. What do you think?

(After a while)

HB: Hello

HB: I think we need to know each other more.

HB: Did you have a good time last week?

These look like natural messages! He asked for a date, she responded by a greeting and another sentence; at least some investments are there.

Of course, having a pessimistic mindset here does not equal to having a defeatist mindset. The Expert is obviously interpreting the HB's response as negative, but he is keeping going rather than admitting failure.

These are just my personal reflections rather than axioms.

Next tentative update: Purpose and Frame, a unified and simple way of self development for myself

Update: Good-guy, bad guy, or tit-for-tat

Good-guys seeks win-win, while bad guy seeks win-lose.

There are some insightful research showing that in an environment with mostly good guys and some bad guys, then being the good-guy is the best strategy. In an environment with mostly bad guy or an environment with almost all good guys, then being bad guy is the best.

This means that, both good guy and bad guy strategy can be the best.

I always self-identify as a good guy. I never tried to intentionally harm anyone first. However, after some recent self-reflection, I am not an actual good guy. My style of good guy is not to first harm anyone, no matter if that person is a good guy or bad guy.

For example, if a bad guy, say person A, harmed the public interests of the community. The person stand-up to correct this mistake will face a high cost and no return. Though, an ideal good guy will still stand-up and fight. But I won't, because I don't want to harm person A.

For anther example, if someone, say person A, harmed me for the public interests of the community. If I am an ideal good guy, I won't always retaliate. But I will retaliate, because I felt hurt.

For the third example, if someone, say person A, harmed the public interests of the community. The person stand-up to correct this mistake will have a huge return. Then, an ideal good guy will stand-up and fight. A bad guy will also attack person A because there is a huge benefit. But I won't, because I don't want to harm person A.

I think my style could fit in between Lucio's classification of naïve give-hope good-guy and the angered naïve guy.

I am trying to transform from my "fake version" of good-guy to the  actual win-win good guy. Any help, long or short, will be deeply appreciated.

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