Mats's Journal
Subcommunicating you knew what they were doing would, I think, have to be done more subtly in this case in which her cover was very strong:
Her: Yeah, when you make mistakes it has consequences but you don't need to be so hard. We could have gone to the principal and told him/her that you publicly humiliated Monica, but we understand that you didn't do it on purpose. All we ask is that you have some compassion and look through her text again.
You: Well, you chose to approach me here in the library to discuss this, and you don't even seem too worried about continuing the conversation here... But no worries, if you don't want to go somewhere else now, we'll talk another time.
Yeah, great stuff in this thread.
I also agree with your disagreement, Mats.
Indeed, their approach failed in the win-win because the manipulation was too obvious, in the end (but with a caveat: it also failed because you're more power aware, some more clueless guy maybe have fallen for that).
The only thing I'd add is:
It seems to me that you and some suggestions here, albeit generally great, maybe approaching this situation with more of a "discussing things" approach.
For this case, my preference is more of a top-down approach.
Less negotiation, less trading power moves and frame control which indirectly sub-communicate "we're power equals" and a bit more of "I'm the teacher, I decide".
The reason is simple: you are the teacher, they are the students, so:
- You may want to take what they say into account, but you ultimately decide where you're going to give feedback.
- You may want to listen to their side of things, but you ultimately decide what grade is appropriate.
- You may have done a mistake, but your mistake is off-topic and you decide that now you're exclusively talking about their behavior regarding the assignment.
Etc...
I know it's old school, but sometimes the progressive approach to things can be (unnecessarily) disempowering, and less effective.
This is a post I wish I would have posted right when I joined PU but I didn't think about it. In order to measure my growth I'll write down what (if I remember correctly) I was like before I found TPM. This is mostly for me as a reference point to come back to whenever I want to make sure I'm growing.
Mats before The Power Moves
After all the growth I've done in the past year it's crazy to think back to the summer of 2021, right before I joined Power University, and the person I was.
I was 22 years old, and I was weak physically, mentally, and emotionally. I lacked severely in confidence and I had no self esteem. I was working on self development, but only because deep down I despised myself. I was certain something was wrong with me, and I was quick to see all my flaws and beat myself up over my mistakes. I remember one day when I broke down crying. I had been working hard for months trying to improve my life only to realize that, for all my efforts I was still the same weak kid I had always been. Nothing inside of me had changed. It was in that moment I understood that I hated myself.
At the time I was living at my family house in Sweden with my parents and sister. We had a neighbor who would often come over to our property drunk and start picking fights. I was absolutely terrified of conflicts, and I hated that I lived in constant fear of this drunk coming over and shouting aggressively, refusing to leave my property, and insulting my family in front of me. I felt horrible because I couldn't defend my family. I felt like a failure. On top of that I was constantly stressed because I never knew when he would show up, and every time he came it took me days to recover emotionally from the confrontations.
I was also working as a waiter at a restaurant under a machiavellian boss, a job I absolutely despised. My salary was bad, the customers were often difficult or rude, and we were always understaffed. Almost every day at work was stressful. We were usually two or three waiters working a job that really required twice as many. Luckily I got along great with my coworkers, and because I was always a hard worker my boss loved me. I was not happy though. In fact the job was adding a great deal of stress to my life and I was growing resentful. To make this worse I was too weak to improve my situation. I once told my boss that I wanted a raise, and when he didn't immediately give me one I ended our talk with "I would like a bigger salary, but it's your decision", which ended with me sticking with my poor salary.
My boss would often manipulate me and the other workers, and because he was very charming he always got away with it. He made me feel special by always telling me that I was the best waiter and that he wanted me to keep working there (much cheaper than giving me a decent salary). In the beginning he would get angry and semi-yell at me when I made stupid mistakes, and scared as I was I stood silently and took it, often beating myself up and telling myself that he hated me and I would get fired. I had no power awareness, and even if I did I wouldn't have had the courage to stand up for myself. Despite this I still preferred working a job I hated over being home, because at work I was always busy, and at home home I always ran the risk that my neighbor would come over.
While my life was pretty good, I had a job, I had been accepted to University, I was healthy and smart, I had friends, a loving family and a place to stay etc etc, I didn't feel good at all. I wasn't depressed, but self loathing is still rough. My problem wasn't my life, it was me. I kept diving into self development, but I never believed that I had what it took to be successful. I didn't believe that I could be happy, or socially skilled, or rich, physically strong, or have the mental strength and courage to work on achieving my goals. My self esteem and confidence were almost non existent. I was the most dramatic person I knew, and I loved making myself out as a victim. I always wanted others to feel sorry for me, and I loved feeling sorry for myself.
I had a fragile mindset that would break down anytime I failed, even if it was my first attempt. I joined the course Charisma University, but when I failed to connect with new people using the techniques, my tiny pieces of self esteem shattered. I believed that I was so hopeless that even online courses and books couldn't fix me. I had no understanding that failure is just a step on the path to success, and so I gave up.
It was at this point that I stumbled upon Power University. Honestly, it seemed way too good to be true. In fact, because of the typos (at the time) I saw on the site and the fact that the sales page seemed to be a copy of Charisma University's sales page, I thought the page was a scam. Luckily for me, I was desperate. I was so sick of living in constant stress and fear of my neighbor that I decided to buy PU. And holy sh*t am I happy I did. The growth I've seen since I joined is tremendous. As I'm typing this out it's almost mind boggling to see how far I've managed to come in a little over a year.
Mats after The Power Moves
Since I joined I've learned to see the world through a new lens, the lens that we here call power awareness. With this lens I've been able to improve relationships, stand up to my boss(es) on several occasions, learned to how to give value to the people around me, and just in general learned to enforce boundaries and stand up for myself and what I believe in. Besides this I've also developed confidence and self esteem, as well as some self love. While I haven't completely gotten rid of my fear of conflicts, I've overcome a lot of it. I've turned my fragile mindsets into strong ones that have been able to carry me through any hardship I've encountered so far. I often find myself surprised that situations and circumstances that would have broken me in the past barely affect me now.
Most of all, since I joined Power University I've realized that I hold all the power to turn myself into any sort of person I want to become, and to shape my life into the life I want to live. As I write this I know I have a long way to go, but now I know that I have what it takes to achieve anything I set my mind to.
Thank You TPM!
Although this was not the original point of this post, I really want to thank everyone here at TPM for the incredible change you've helped me achieve in my life. I'm so happy to be here engaging with you all on the forum, and I know I wouldn't have come nearly as far without you. And Lucio, I honestly have no words for how grateful I am to you. Although it sounds like an exaggerated cliche, the things I've learned from you really has changed my life more than I ever would have hoped for. Thank you so much!
Awesome awesome post, Mats, thank you for sharing that and thank you so much for the kind words -and thank you for the candid feebdack on the old salespage, that gave me a good laugh as I nodded "true that" while reading :)-.
I'm so glad to have you here as well man, you really strike man like a cool person who's out for good.
And wow, to have come so far in one year only, it's really truly impressive man.
That situation with your boss was so good that it ended up as a link-example in PU.
Here's to another year of growth, and the sky is the limit.
Thank you for the kind words Lucio! It means a lot.
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 30, 2022, 3:51 pm-and thank you for the candid feebdack on the old salespage, that gave me a good laugh as I nodded "true that" while reading :)-.
All the work you and Ali have put into the sales page really is showing. It's a huge difference from when I first saw it :).
As for my growth, I owe it all to you and TPM. Now I'm looking forward to another year of learning and growing with this community.