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Roberto's journal
Nice one Roberto, congrats on moving to your own place!
Hello guys!
I recently attended a company presentation followed by an aperitif. The company is part of my university and is run exclusively by students. First, we were told how the business operates and where we can apply. Afterwards, we had the opportunity to talk to the members. I think most of the students knew that it was about making a positive impression to have a better chance in the job interviews that are about to begin next week (only 7% of applicants are accepted).
During the evening I had the opportunity to talk to everyone who was important from my point of view. In the end (most people already left) there was only one person left. He was surrounded by two fellow students. So, I joined in and, as always, listened before I tried to ask my questions.
There was a guy in the group, let's call him T. T didn't even look at me or the other person standing next to me. Every time a question was answered, he immediately asked a new one. He sometimes even asked the question before the end of the member's answer. I realized after a few minutes what he was trying to do. He wanted to keep the conversation to himself so he could be the only one to leave an impression… what a b*itch.
It is relatively difficult to simply interrupt 2 people while they are in the middle of a conversation because you can easily come off as rude. I also think the member didn’t get what was going on.
My strategy was therefore: wait and hope for a mistake from T
The thing is. If you ask so many questions one after the other so quickly, not all of them can be good. I wanted to use exactly that to criticize him or make a joke and then bring in my own questions to take part in the conversation.
The following dialog occurred:
T: Don't you have an adult involved in the company?
Member: Well, no, not really. We are 100% student-run.
Roberto: What do you mean by adults? We are talking about 22–24-year-old university students. These are adults.
Member: Yes, you are right. *laughs*
T: yeah…
Roberto: I have another question about you personally… *takes the lead*
END OF CONVERSATION
About 3 minutes after I actively joined in, T left. His goal was in my opinion just to keep me and the other person out of the conversation.
Beasted it!
Your interjection stole the show while adding value, stopping a situation annoying to all, and defending the member -triple crown-.
Just to add something to it, I'd have personally said that with a slight smile, so to add some humor as well and make it more "social".
And may have added something like:
- "these are adults, I also consider myself one (<--- we VS you frame with you in the insider group and him outside)."
- Then keep smiling with a little pause and add
- "Anyway, I also had a question... " (<--- this is strategic to avoid delivering too big a punch that may seem nasty, and to move on right away. If you leave it to him to answer, you give him the floor again, and that's a risk. You risk he may say something nasty that may turn it into a lose-lose or, even worse, say something good that would steal the show back. If you keep the initiative instead, you keep control)
Just a note, otherwise, perfect approach.
When I read how you handled it, Roberto, I said, "Hell yeah :)." Awesome move there man.
And totally agree with Lucio's note as well.
My only note is that your approach relied on T making a mistake. So, if he never made one, he may have continued hogging the floor indefinitely.
So, a more proactive approach could've been to take the lead.
What I might've done (and this is by no means a perfect approach), is wait until T is about to ask another question, interrupt him respectfully, and say, "[To T] Sorry, [to the member now] are you OK with us asking questions too?"
It's an inherently rhetorical question asked like a legitimate one. And when the member says, "Yes, sure / of course," say, "OK, cool, thanks," look back at T and say, "Sorry, go ahead."
You've now:
- Recruited the member to your side
- Set the stage so you can begin to ask questions too
- Given T an order so he has to follow your lead
Would be happy to read any thoughts or feedback on this approach.
Yes, agree 100% Ali.
Best of both worlds of course is the mix:
- Wait for a mistake OR
- Wait for the member to show annoyance (in which case when you'll intervene you're already framed as the savior)
- Jump in if he keeps hogging the conversation
Something like:
T: (starts another question)
You: hey mate, sorry sorry, before you go, (start smiling) do you mind if we also ask a question? (<--- in your mind you want to be thinking "you're being an idiot without realizing it to the point that it's funny")
Your smile is to take the edge off and make sure you don't come across as aggressive (lose-lose) and to sub-communicate to the whole group "this guy really doesn't get it, does he".
Ideally, if well executed, the other two should smile or even laugh with you.
At that point, you create an unspoken bond with all the others, with you as the leader.
It's in that sense that ambitious people without skills present a great social climbing opportunity (in this case, value-adding social climbing).
But even if it doesn't end up "perfect", if you wait enough, then your interruption is still neutral at worst.
And you can add points as you go with good questions / vibing, and generally becoming a known face.
Hello TPM
Lately, I've been really interested in people's personalities, the person behind the "mask".
I always thought I was one of the few people (20-25% of the population) who had to deal with problems from the past. It turns out that my assumption was not true at all. Most people I have talked to (>75%) are struggling with some sort of things from their past. Be it rejection, bad body image, quarrels, death in the family, abuse... you name it.
Update on the company I applied for:
Got kicked out in the second round. My motivation letter was very convincing in round 1 based on their reaction, also through the help of TPM! (Focus on what you offer the company, focus on what is important and that you "get it", no unnecessary bragging, choice of topic).
In person I was apparently not convincing enough. (It probably also played a role that they wanted a 50/50 split for the team but 75% of the applicants were men. So extremely high competition among the male participants). But I don't want to rationalize away my failure & the feedback is already requested but still pending, so I can't say here what exactly it was due to.
Pretty down & angry right now. But where some doors close, some may open unexpectedly...
Hope with you all well. See you soon
Hello Roberto,
I think 99.9% of people struggle somehow with something from their past. I think it's the intensity that varies. Everyone has regrets or remorse. Either something they wish they did or something they wish they had not done. It's the human experience there's no way around it. I think some people are either aware of it or not. It can even be trans-generational: what the grandfather did or did not, etc.
What I learned in my experience is that one can make peace one by one with those events. The catch 22 is that new events will arrive and they will become our new difficult past. A parent can die, a child can die, one can get sick. Many possible traumas are awaiting us in the future. All we can choose is the attitude we have towards our past. If it's a wound how do we heal it? If it's a regret do we accept it? If it's a remorse do we forgive ourselves? That's why we have philosophy I believe.
However, I think even the people with significant trauma are a majority. We just don't speak about it.
Congrats on passing the first round! It validates your application. So now you know what to focus on. I'm sure you already have some self-criticism to improve your next interview. I don't know if you already checked Transitioned's gem article.
Anyway I do believe the same as you do. When we fail for a job I do believe that if we did our best it was not the right moment or not the right job for us.
Also sometimes recruiters just feel like we're not a good match. For the reason that we are too different from the culture. If you are more of the free-thinker type and the culture is conformist. It's a good thing if they reject you. It would have been lose-lose.
So yes, I think you're a resourceful person. You will find a team who value and appreciate you. I think it is very important.
Sucks to hear that Roberto as I was cheering for you.
On the other hand, without wanting to force positivity, as you say, that's life.
And a good part of doing well in life is maintaining good spirits and moving on from closing doors to finding the open ones (or finding a way to open the ones that seemed closed).
On this:
Quote from Roberto on October 4, 2023, 7:03 pmI always thought I was one of the few people (20-25% of the population) who had to deal with problems from the past. It turns out that my assumption was not true at all. Most people I have talked to (>75%) are struggling with some sort of things from their past. Be it rejection, bad body image, quarrels, death in the family, abuse... you name it.
Absolutely!
Had the same observation.
We all get a distorted view of reality, and a very positively warped one because most people hide pain/loss/struggles and a good chunk over-advertise the wins.
It may even be slightly shocking at first.
But when one learns to make people more comfortable opening up and sharing their true selves, it won't take long before you realize that almost anyone has their pain and struggles -including people who seem super confident and "strong"-.
The same goes for what's "weird" or "kink".
Also most "divergence from the norm/average" are far more common and widespread than most people think.
It reminded of a song's lyrics, that translated says "but the true abnormal thing, is to be normal".
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on October 5, 2023, 8:30 amOn the other hand, without wanting to force positivity, as you say, that's life.
And a good part of doing well in life is maintaining good spirits and moving on from closing doors to finding the open ones (or finding a way to open the ones that seemed closed).
1 day after the rejection I felt better again. In this case, I have quickly overcome the phases that I personally have with rejection. -> Disappointment, denial, grief, anger, closure.
As Lucio said, who is quoted above, it is also to a large extent about finding the doors that are open. Today I received the approval of my application for the coaching program. I will have a professional coach for 1 year with whom I can meet if necessary and I will have the opportunity to participate in many self-development/performance workshops.
My ego can now rest easy for the moment after knowing that at least it got confirmation from something :,).
Yeah, I agree I think with time and experience you find that all these rejections did not kill you and that you're actually doing fine.
That's a great opportunity, congrats! Much to learn! Happy for you.
