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What books would you like to see TPM review next?

#21 · November 9, 2022, 10:13 am

Thank you for this, Ali!

I've also stumbled upon that "Power Moves" book and had to wonder whether it took some inspiration from TPM :).

Now yet in my top prio list of books to go through, but eventually I will.

And if before then you (or someone else here) will, let us know.

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#22 · November 26, 2022, 1:54 pm

Quote from B on November 26, 2022, 1:54 pm
I finished reading this:
The Trusted Advisor by Maister, Green & Galford
It was one of the most useful books I recently read, as a lawyer; but it really discusses principles that are applicable to all consulting professions.
It's also, between the lines, a big discussion on "how to best frame the professional relationship".
Really quick super-summary:
Content-expertise is a "minimum assumed pre-requisite" in a professional relationship
Trust is the most-overlooked, but most defining element of a successful professional relationship
Trust is created in time, by behaving in ways that lead the client to understand more and more that he can trust the professional
All interactions with the client either decrease or increase trust
Having more trust will lead the client to involve the professional earlier and more, to respect the POV of the professional more, to generally make the relationship "easier"
To earn trust, one must do many things which are counterintuitive, including: (i) defer solutions until after one has earned the right to propose them, by first listening to the client and drawing out the real issues; (ii) be able to draw out unconscious sticking points in the client's thinking and behavior; (iii) take into account the client's personal situation in framing the issue; (iv) do the work of framing the issue for the client, progressively and subtly; (v) show to the client that one understands his POV, and the issues involved; (vi) acknowledge the difficulty of discussing certain things, by verbalizing such difficulty, and still showing the commitment to do it; and others
the stages of trust-building are: (i) engaging; (ii) listening; (iii) framing; (iv) envisioning an alternate reality/solution; (v) commitment
problems in the professional relationship often stem from skipping one of these steps and going directly to another one (eg proposing a solution without having first engaged, listened, and framed the real issue)
(my observation:) there is a big overlap between the book's "trust" concept on the one hand, and TPM's concepts of "high power/high warmth" and "optimum balance" on the other hand
included is a chapter on how to deal with certain client personalities, and what they really mean behind their "talk"
trust is personal and not easily transferable to other persons
also included is a chapter on common mistakes in cross-selling from a "trust POV" (common mistakes in trying to involve other professionals in the client's situation, or offering additional/different work on related issues the client is facing)
While, after studying TPM, I don't agree with some of the solutions and the wording the authors propose (some of them seem to be really, too low-power and submissive), the general ideas I got from reading this book are very useful.

I finished reading this:

The Trusted Advisor by Maister, Green & Galford

It was one of the most useful books I recently read, as a lawyer; but it really discusses principles that are applicable to all consulting professions.

It's also, between the lines, a big discussion on "how to best frame the professional relationship".

Really quick super-summary:

Content-expertise is a "minimum assumed pre-requisite" in a professional relationship
Trust is the most-overlooked, but most defining element of a successful professional relationship
Trust is created in time, by behaving in ways that lead the client to understand more and more that he can trust the professional
All interactions with the client either decrease or increase trust
Having more trust will lead the client to involve the professional earlier and more, to respect the POV of the professional more, to generally make the relationship "easier"
To earn trust, one must do many things which are counterintuitive, including: (i) defer solutions until after one has earned the right to propose them, by first listening to the client and drawing out the real issues; (ii) be able to draw out unconscious sticking points in the client's thinking and behavior; (iii) take into account the client's personal situation in framing the issue; (iv) do the work of framing the issue for the client, progressively and subtly; (v) show to the client that one understands his POV, and the issues involved; (vi) acknowledge the difficulty of discussing certain things, by verbalizing such difficulty, and still showing the commitment to do it; and others
the stages of trust-building are: (i) engaging; (ii) listening; (iii) framing; (iv) envisioning an alternate reality/solution; (v) commitment
problems in the professional relationship often stem from skipping one of these steps and going directly to another one (eg proposing a solution without having first engaged, listened, and framed the real issue)
(my observation:) there is a big overlap between the book's "trust" concept on the one hand, and TPM's concepts of "high power/high warmth" and "optimum balance" on the other hand
included is a chapter on how to deal with certain client personalities, and what they really mean behind their "talk"
trust is personal and not easily transferable to other persons
also included is a chapter on common mistakes in cross-selling from a "trust POV" (common mistakes in trying to involve other professionals in the client's situation, or offering additional/different work on related issues the client is facing)

While, after studying TPM, I don't agree with some of the solutions and the wording the authors propose (some of them seem to be really, too low-power and submissive), the general ideas I got from reading this book are very useful.

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#23 · November 26, 2022, 4:31 pm

Thank you for sharing this, Bel!

If you wish to turn into a post/review, let me know (and if you may be interested, JFYI, it's possible to use a different account, completely delinked from your forum nickname/history).

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#24 · December 4, 2022, 3:15 am

As I'm working through/prioritizing entrepreneurship books right now, I'm keeping a note of books in other categories that may be worth reading after this current project.

One that was recommended by Shayan Wahedi today is called The Status Game: On Human Life and How to Play It: On Social Position and How We Use it.

The name sounded familiar, but I didn't see it reviewed in the resources list or the forum.

I'm curious about it though, especially when I see a chapter title like this one:

So, if anyone else wants to go for it first, by all means :).

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#25 · December 4, 2022, 3:02 pm

Thank you for this, Ali!

It definitely does sound interesting indeed.

I find the cover quite a bit strange, all about the author rather than the content, but they have it on audiobook so probably I'll get to it (and hopefully sooner rather than later).

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#26 · December 4, 2022, 3:29 pm

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 4, 2022, 3:02 pm
(...)
I find the cover quite a bit strange, all about the author rather than the content, but they have it on audiobook so probably I'll get to it (and hopefully sooner rather than later).

Yeah, more than strange, I actually find it as a bit of a red flag.

I took a minute or two to check his website for a reason and he's branded himself as a speaker. So, going for this approach can make it easier for him to book speaking engagements (the book doubles as a business card and a bigger authority tool).

But, that can also mean less value for the reader if the goal of creating the book was to serve the writer, not the audience (or both parties, which would be a win-win).

Still, I did see another cover design that made me feel it was OK for me to mention the book in the forum:

If you get to it before me, happy to hear if you think it's a solid resource.

#27 · December 13, 2022, 2:42 am

I’m at the beginning of Comebacks at work by Kathleen Kelley Reardon and I just have to share this:

“More often than not, comebacks are statements or expressions that restore some degree of balance when the recipient has been insulted, embarrassed, demeaned, ignored, or in some other way challenged in conversation. Sometimes the balance restored is one of power. At other times equanimity is returned to a relationship… some comebacks are so proficient that they flip the power. These are so effective that the person who did the insulting or caused the embarrassment finds himself worse off for having done so.”

I think this book is going to be great!

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#28 · December 13, 2022, 3:39 am

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on December 13, 2022, 3:39 am
Boom!
Thank you for sharing this Bel!
One note on my side:
The dangers of the "great comeback trap"
PU folks know this, and I think you Bel know too.
But I'd like to say it anyway for clarity.
Albeit a great comeback is fantastic to have, you never want to depend on it.
Wittiness is a wonderful skill that helps you come across as smart and charismatic, but you also never want to rely too much on it to gain social status, reputation, and social power.
And when it comes to power moves and self defense, if you rely on come backs, you box yourself into a game of wittiness where the wittier one is the higher status/power, and if you're less witty then, what... It's fair that you're disempowered, demeaned, or stuck at the bottom?
Wittiness and good comebacks is a whole set of new skills one should learn -it's part of the comedian job, and it's a whole profession-, and it's secondary to general high-power behavior (and self-defense).
You rarely truly need a great comeback when you can assertively draw your boundaries.
And even when you're lost, you can almost always limit damage when you go back to evergreens such as "stock default answers" or ignoring + nonverbals.
This is also why PU some time ago remove a lesson on "jokes power dynamics".
And it's also why I didn't right away jump on the opportunity to review Dan's product as Ali shared in the other thread:
Dan's great, but from what I had seen, it seemed to me to be a little too much based on smart comebacks.
Still... A great skill / art and super curious to hear more
That being said...
It's still, a great art and skill and the book does sound super interesting indeed.
A great come back can make you come across as so cool and "so much smarter than everyone else".
And it can be the "defining moment" during a debate or exchange.
Think of Trump's "only Rosie O'Donnel", or Obama's "we also have fewer horses and bayonets", both single sentences that jumped through the criticism and flipped the power dynamics -and both memorable moments of their campaigns-.
And even bigger one was Reagan's come back "I will not take advantage of my opponent's youth and inexperience" when his age was called into question.
So super curious to hear more on this Bel, keep us updated.

Boom!

Thank you for sharing this Bel!

One note on my side:

The dangers of the "great comeback trap"

PU folks know this, and I think you Bel know too.

But I'd like to say it anyway for clarity.

Albeit a great comeback is fantastic to have, you never want to depend on it.

Wittiness is a wonderful skill that helps you come across as smart and charismatic, but you also never want to rely too much on it to gain social status, reputation, and social power.

And when it comes to power moves and self defense, if you rely on come backs, you box yourself into a game of wittiness where the wittier one is the higher status/power, and if you're less witty then, what... It's fair that you're disempowered, demeaned, or stuck at the bottom?

Wittiness and good comebacks is a whole set of new skills one should learn -it's part of the comedian job, and it's a whole profession-, and it's secondary to general high-power behavior (and self-defense).

You rarely truly need a great comeback when you can assertively draw your boundaries.
And even when you're lost, you can almost always limit damage when you go back to evergreens such as "stock default answers" or ignoring + nonverbals.

This is also why PU some time ago remove a lesson on "jokes power dynamics".
And it's also why I didn't right away jump on the opportunity to review Dan's product as Ali shared in the other thread:

Dan's great, but from what I had seen, it seemed to me to be a little too much based on smart comebacks.

Still... A great skill / art and super curious to hear more

That being said...

It's still, a great art and skill and the book does sound super interesting indeed.

A great come back can make you come across as so cool and "so much smarter than everyone else".

And it can be the "defining moment" during a debate or exchange.

Think of Trump's "only Rosie O'Donnel", or Obama's "we also have fewer horses and bayonets", both single sentences that jumped through the criticism and flipped the power dynamics -and both memorable moments of their campaigns-.

And even bigger one was Reagan's come back "I will not take advantage of my opponent's youth and inexperience" when his age was called into question.

So super curious to hear more on this Bel, keep us updated.

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#29 · December 13, 2022, 11:50 pm

If I am allowed to very carefully structure some criticism, on the female side of thepowermoves, I believe the appearance guides are perfectly correct

But

Lacking some of the more "hidden truths no one will tell you out of politeness" that I have come to love and expect here

I'd like to bring forth, thus, the following https://www.jsanilac.com/dispelling-beauty-lies/

Not a book, and thus not necessarily 100% appropriate, but I believe it's very useful in filling in uncomfortable yet demonstrable realities of the matter (also touches upon male beauty with a few very useful insights)

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#30 · January 6, 2023, 3:03 am

Quote from Ali Scarlett on November 4, 2022, 1:28 am
For now, in search of a solid overview, these are the books on my list:
The Know Your Bill of Rights Book: Don't Lose Your Constitutional Rights--Learn Them!: to know one's rights (albeit, I'm not yet fully sold on this one)
The Tools of Argument: How the Best Lawyers Think, Argue, and Win: to fight battles in and outside of court (and, ideally, win 🙂 )
I think knowing the law also grants an extent of personal empowerment since one's freedom is limited by the law and, with at least a foundational legal understanding, one can know where that line (limit) is and maximize their life up to that line if they so choose.
P.S.:
Bel, if you're reading this and know of a good book to add to that last list, I'd be happy to hear your thoughts on any you thought were good.

Hi Ali,

on this theme of "knowing the law" from a substantive point of view, I found these informational posts by the New York Bar Association to be a very well made introduction to several topics (from the perspective of NY law):

LEGALease Online

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