What do you think are the most PU link-worthy threads?
Hello guys,
actually why not list them all?
then it would become a dictionary of power moves. Where user can search by context: work, social circle, family, dating, etc.
An extensive how-to.
Quote from John Freeman on July 12, 2022, 7:07 amHello guys,
actually why not list them all?
then it would become a dictionary of power moves. Where user can search by context: work, social circle, family, dating, etc.
An extensive how-to.
It's a good point and a very interesting idea.
Probably better as a post / encyclopedia type of resource though.
As a PU lesson, from a usage perspective, the issue is that it would quickly become too large (and if you list all variants, you approach infinite).
Also, as PU is also a learning tool, all may not be needed to develop the strategic thinking behind it.
Definitely, I agree with you. Also about the strategic thinking.
More like an encyclopedia type. As a student-user, I would imagine the following: I’m in a new situation where I don’t know what to do.
I go to the encyclopedia of power move and search for: “verbal abuse” in the work section because my boss shouted at me.
That’s how I view it.
Quote from Bel on July 12, 2022, 1:25 am- how to deal with manipulators trying to involve you in smear campaigning and triangulating people:
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on July 11, 2022, 10:14 pmIn these cases, my take is that the more you engage, the more flank you give to these types of people.
Seems like his objective was to tarnish Mary's reputation, and that's what he was also doing with you -really a lowlife move-.
You went assertive, which is OK.
The thing is... Sneaky fucks don't deserve assertive -it's time-consuming and high investment, can make you enemies you don't want, and still involves you in the interaction, both timewise, and emotional-.As soon as you smelled the rancid, I'd have kept my replies more spaced out in time, and far briefer.
The reason is simple, yet so effective:
The more out of reach you are, both in time and emotionally, the more out of reach you are for his games and manipulations.
As for maximum effectiveness, it's "out of reach, but still with just enough politeness and responsiveness to avoid a total cut".
So:
Him: Mary is threatening suicide and won't answer my calls. I'm kind of panicking, can you call her? Please, I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do. I called the police. I really don't know what to do.
You: (5h later) hey Dean, sorry the delay, only see this now after a long day. Worry not, Mary is a cool lady, she'll be fine. Stay strong (slight power move on your own. Sub-communication being: you're the bitch who's panicking for nothing)
After that, expect he contacts you right away saying that no, Mary is not ok.
To which, you do not reply. Then the day after or later say something like "so nice of you to worry about her, but trust she's good :). Cheers Dean!"Just invaluable! Knowing this would have made it so much easier to deal with these types of people.
- how to keep your power when people joke about you taking too long a vacation from work:
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on July 10, 2022, 8:47 pm
You: yeah, you can take vacation independently of when I take them
= in this frame you're higher power and so important for the team that your boss reacts and moves around your schedule)
Or:
You: feel free to go now, I'm back here now making sure things are fine (smile)
Again, you take the opportunity to showcase how important you are in your team.
All in jest, but still shows high confidence (plus, we know that humor almost always has a backdrop of truth).Or:
You: Yeah, was great, I hope you didn't miss me much
This is more of a classical one-up back.
If you have enough power and leverage in the team, it's a good one to enforce boundaries and display (and increase) that high-power (personally, I'd have gone for something similar). That sends a strong message you're not to be F*** with.
Thank you, Bel.
Added it now under the name of "The Arm's Length Approach".
Edit:
Something you also already started doing, Bel, the moment you began unblocking some of the assholes/takers/manipulators.
Golden! Thanks!
Thank you Lucio. This is really next level.
It requires knowledge about how to spot these people, knowledge about their techniques, frame control, time control, emotional control.
But it is so much better than what I did in the past. I hope with time I’m able to implement it in my life as you are teaching us here.
Thank you so much for the note on this thread, @Bel!
Quote from Bel on October 10, 2022, 7:36 pmLucio, to me this example deserves to be in PU in a lesson on subcommunication.
Thank you for the note, Bel!
Really super useful (to understand what's useful).
Now that you make me think about it, this line you quoted:
Him: It would have been with pleasure but I'm a bit far (kissing smiley)
Me: But still close to our hearts (heart smiley or kissing back or big smiley face) Send some pictures and catch up back here :).
For those still here, let me know if any of you wants to join
Could be a good example for several concepts:
- Power & warmth (gives back but controls the frame and stays in the lead)
- Value-adding leadership (makes things happen for the group and with the group, keeps the mood up, while also checking the power component of the joke, and treating that person well)
- Frame control (aligns and redirects, smoothly but resolutely moves towards the goal)
Or a new lesson on sub-communication as you mention.
if you or anyone has any opinion, happy to read.
I think one of the most important concepts (that I had not gotten from reading PU) is that often there is a way to check power moves while still subcommunicating caring for the power mover (or being his friend).
I now understand this is inherent in the concept of "power and warmth", but somehow I had not understood it fully in the beginning.
My former thinking was that when you check power moves you have to be inherently "combative".
I also agree on the line above being a useful quote for all the points you mention. Seems a great multipurpose example.
Thank you so much, Bel!
Super helpful.
Edit:
And noted it down for the next update.
Quote from Bel on December 3, 2022, 3:25 pmI think this approach of checking hypotheticals power moves and then mentioning “I didn’t notice anyways” is awesome, and PU worthy.
Thank you so much, Bel!
Added it now.