What I'm Doing, (Maybe Where 🙂 ) & Why

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on August 28, 2021, 3:23 pm

Hey Ali,

A purposefully challenging question:

Isn't an accountability partner doing a good job if they provide you with motivation to stick to something?

When you told her:

If you bring it up with me, I'll feel negative emotions. And to avoid feeling those negative emotions again, I'll avoid...

Chances are that part of those negative emotions are because of the (emotional-based) power dynamics of having someone "show it to you" how you're failing on your own resolutions.
And part of that, is judge power dynamics.

So when she says "I'm proud", she's not using negative reinforcement, but positive.

That's not necessarily to say that you want someone to take an explicit, or outside judge role, though.
So if that bothers you, it's fair to neutralize it the way you did.

Personally, I might have said something like "ahah thanks (very light way of highlighting the power move), and you're also helping me in my battle, so many thanks to you".
The second one shares the credit and makes her feel good from a higher-power position -which is not the kid role-.

Quote from Ali Scarlett on August 28, 2021, 5:40 pm

Thanks for sharing your thoughts guys.

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on August 28, 2021, 11:18 am

I may not be aware of the full picture.

Would you happen to be helping her stay accountable for some habits and actions too?

From my limited perspective, it could be the case that she views the relationship as more one-way.
She helps you to stay accountable and so she views herself as a mentor in some sense.

I agree with you here, Matthew.

It's a pretty imbalanced exchange right now, I'm currently getting more out of it than she is for the time being.

And yet, we're still a team. It's not a case of a mentor/mentee relationship with one being above the other.

I also feel that, even if I was her "mentee", that doesn't automatically give her the right to use me as her personal social peg.

So, at the time, it felt like she was judging me (and positioning herself as above me) simply because I'm still working on areas of myself that she's already dealt with. And, in my mind, that goes back to our core mindset: "I am respectful of fair treatment and respectful communication." And, that didn't feel very fair or respectful.

All that said, you're right that if I do more to make the exchange more balanced, it could lead to more collaborative behavior from her. Plus, there's a chance that her behavior was, in fact, collaborative in the first place (see below).

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on August 28, 2021, 3:23 pm

Hey Ali,

A purposefully challenging question:

Isn't an accountability partner doing a good job if they provide you with motivation to stick to something?

When you told her:

If you bring it up with me, I'll feel negative emotions. And to avoid feeling those negative emotions again, I'll avoid...

Chances are that part of those negative emotions are because of the (emotional-based) power dynamics of having someone "show it to you" how you're failing on your own resolutions.
And part of that, is judge power dynamics.

So when she says "I'm proud", she's not using negative reinforcement, but positive.

That's not necessarily to say that you want someone to take an explicit, or outside judge role, though.
So if that bothers you, it's fair to neutralize it the way you did.

I see what you mean. And, maybe I should have clarified this with her in the beginning.

Those negative emotions aren't coming from caring about her judgment. They're coming from expending time and energy on something I'd rather not.

I mentioned before that it costs me quite a bit of time and effort to log into Slack to have conversations. Putting in that time and energy to bring up that I "messed up" is annoying for me because I'd be thinking about what else I could be doing with that time.

And, that's one of my main motivations for breaking this habit: the habit itself costs me time and energy, and then I'd be doubling that by having to contact my accountability partner every time I slip up.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on August 28, 2021, 3:23 pm

Personally, I might have said something like "ahah thanks (very light way of highlighting the power move), and you're also helping me in my battle, so many thanks to you".
The second one shares the credit and makes her feel good from a higher-power position -which is not the kid role-.

Lightly highlighting the power move and sharing the credit makes sense. And, certainly wouldn't have been a bad move to make here.

I'm not quite sure how this works though in terms of taking a higher-power position, so maybe we can open up a thread for it.

*Note: If I'm understanding correctly, the "you're also helping me in my battle" is sort of a "you are"/"well done" judge role. It says, "You're also (doing a good job) helping me in my battle, so (well done and) many thanks to you." If I'm misunderstanding, you can let me know, Lucio, and we'll open up another thread if you think it's necessary.

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on August 28, 2021, 6:15 pm

I see what you mean. And, maybe I should have clarified this with her in the beginning.

Those negative emotions aren't coming from caring about her judgment. They're coming from expending time and energy on something I'd rather not.

I mentioned before that it costs me quite a bit of time and effort to log into Slack to have conversations. Putting in that time and energy to bring up that I "messed up" is annoying for me because I'd be thinking about what else I could be doing with that time.

And, that's one of my main motivations for breaking this habit: the habit itself costs me time and energy, and then I'd be doubling that by having to contact my accountability partner every time I slip up.

This is what I'm understanding.
One of the habits you would like to break is to stop checking Slack so often.
She is supposed to help you break this habit as your accountability partner.

However, instead, she is talking to you on Slack.
So this kind of defeats the whole purpose of this exercise.

I'm guessing that you would like her to point out an action without judgement.
Maybe something like

I noticed you did this.

Rather than

I noticed you did this. That's not very good.

Quote from Ali Scarlett on August 29, 2021, 1:58 am

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on August 28, 2021, 6:15 pm

I see what you mean. And, maybe I should have clarified this with her in the beginning.

Those negative emotions aren't coming from caring about her judgment. They're coming from expending time and energy on something I'd rather not.

I mentioned before that it costs me quite a bit of time and effort to log into Slack to have conversations. Putting in that time and energy to bring up that I "messed up" is annoying for me because I'd be thinking about what else I could be doing with that time.

And, that's one of my main motivations for breaking this habit: the habit itself costs me time and energy, and then I'd be doubling that by having to contact my accountability partner every time I slip up.

This is what I'm understanding.
One of the habits you would like to break is to stop checking Slack so often.
She is supposed to help you break this habit as your accountability partner.

However, instead, she is talking to you on Slack.
So this kind of defeats the whole purpose of this exercise.

I'm guessing that you would like her to point out an action without judgement.
Maybe something like

I noticed you did this.

Rather than

I noticed you did this. That's not very good.

The habit I'm trying to break is a personal one, so I left it out.

Checking Slack isn't a habit, it's simply something that takes up my time and energy, so I'd rather limit my Slack use as much as possible if I can.

Make sense?

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on August 29, 2021, 7:19 am

Yeah, some courses do get people to sign up on Slack which is kind of annoying since not everyone uses Slack regularly.

I misunderstood because I did have a bad habit of checking Slack too often in the past.

Maybe you can "force" her to reply to you via email or your preferred means.
So respond to her latest Slack message via email and tell her on Slack that you sent her a response via email.

And feel free to disregard this post if it doesn't help.

Quote from Ali Scarlett on September 15, 2021, 5:03 pm

A new friend of mine invited me to his "invite-only" business networking chapter.

An exclusive club of high-status male and female businesspeople that has an annual fee of hundreds of dollars for membership.

This meeting was organized differently than what I'm used to. Everyone put their name, what they do, who they're looking to be referred to, and their contact information in the chat.

I did the same, but forgot to put my contact information.

When it came time for everyone to introduce themselves verbally, I noticed quite a few people drawn to my presence. Lots of heads nodding and attentive listening. And, by the time I got done, my friend had a big smile on his face as if he was proud to have been the one who brought me.

Seeing his smile made me feel good. It wasn't so much gaining his approval as it was gaining my own approval that I can hold my own with the best of 'em (there were quite a few elites in the room). And, his positive judgment felt like social proof of that.

After that, I internally reminded myself of my antifragile ego—being proud of myself for simply having gone for it and done my best—and continued with the meeting.

Later, someone dropped a message in the chat aimed toward me:

K gave me an order for everyone to see. And, even though I was planning to put my info in the chat since I forgot (and I thought there might be some others who were interested), if I would have followed his lead in front of everyone right then, I would have suffered a status-loss. And, I didn't want that.

So, I used a frame control technique that used to be called "frame changing" (i.e. change the frame's meaning) in PU. And, I dropped it in the chat as he instructed, but privately so only he could see. And, I slipped in a slightly less dominant order of my own to rebalance things a little further.

• Old Frame: "...put your info in the chat..." (= "put your info in the chat publicly because you forgot and I'm/we're interested")
• Frame Change: "...put your info in the chat..." (= "send me your info in the chat because I'm interested")

It's clear from my appearance that I'm a bit younger compared to the other members, but everyone seemed to overlook that because:

• I've developed a deeper, more socially powerful voice since working with Roger Love
• When we went into breakout rooms, applying the social skills I picked up from Chris MacLeod's work helped conversations with everyone flow and even made them smile and laugh at times
• In a brainstorming session, I shared the eagle-eye/hawk-eye analogy (see Designing Your Career) with everyone and they loved it so much they asked me to present it to the entire group. And, when I did, I was so focused on following PU's advice that I didn't give much notice to the group, but I did notice that when I finished they continued to brainstorm off of my analogy—including my friend who built me up in the process

At the end of the meeting, we were all given a few minutes to say or share anything else that we needed to. And, K said to my friend something along the lines of:

K: (loudly with a joking tone) Hey R, I want to make an announcment publicly that you called me and I didn't call you back. So, I failed. And, I'll call you back right after this meeting.

R laughed as well as a few others. But, I kept a straight face. I simply didn't like the joke and I especially didn't want to make it seem like I agreed with it.

I thought to myself that he didn't apologize. And, he didn't have to "publicly announce" that R was invested in speaking with him and K, seemingly less invested, shut him down. He could have simply apologized to him over the phone privately after the meeting (especially if he was going to call him back anyway like he said).

It felt like he had lowered my friend's status, especially given that R laughed at K's "joke". And, while there are a few who laughed, there were also a good many who did not.

All in all, a good meeting though. I have a few one-on-one's scheduled for later today and the near future. So, I walked away with some connections and may have some collaborations coming soon.

Quote from Ali Scarlett on September 15, 2021, 5:25 pm

My Personal Antifragile Ego System

I've finally completed a working system for my antifragile ego that has me covered in any and every situation.

#1. Before

Before a situation, if I feel nervous or anxious, I say to myself:

Ali: "I always go for it and do my best no matter the situation because it's who I am."

#2. After

After the situation, I emotionally reward myself by saying:

Ali: "I am proud of myself every time I go for it and do my best (no matter the situation) because I am able to prove and validate to myself my strength of character while growing my personal power. And, that's a well-won victory on its own."

*Note: When I thought to myself about what emotions/feelings I feel when I feel confident, the primary feeling that came to mind was feelings of victory. So, I incorporated that into my system here, and it really works like a charm for me.

Yet, if I still feel a little emotionally hurt from a situation, I'll tell myself:

Ali: "The more it hurts, the more I can emotionally reward myself because I am able to prove and validate to myself my strength of character while growing my personal power — and that's a well-won victory on its own."

And, so far, that has always turned my pain into something to be proud of which leaves me feeling almost 100% better.

#3. Outside of situations

This is more of a "keep this in the back of your mind" thought, but something I like to think about and remind myself of whenever I'm alone is:

Rule #1: "High-quality men always go for it and do their best no matter the situation."

Rule #2: "People are attracted to high-quality men."

I've found that this often resolves my concerns about being ostracized for messing up.

I think to myself that people will be attracted to me for simply going for it and doing my best because it's a sign of quality — as opposed to the individual who lets opportunities pass him by because he didn't have the strength of character to go for it and do his best.

And, if you're unattracted to a man who goes for it and does his best no matter the situation, maybe you have poor taste in men :).

---

#1. Resolving cases of overthinking or perfectionism

I'll tell myself:

Ali: "I take pride not in doing things perfectly, but in having the strength of character to go for it and do my best — even when it's far from perfect."

A relatively new one in terms of the wording, but still powerfully effective for me so far.

Core Confidence Mindset System (In Development)

My core confidence is influenced by the internalization of my antifragile ego, but I also find that my core confidence is heavily tied to the internalization of my assertiveness beliefs.

So, I'll leave out the core confidence mindsets I'm still developing and share the assertiveness beliefs I aim to keep in mind:

1. "The world will always want a piece of my time, especially the more successful I get. So, (only) I get to decide how I want to spend it because it's my life."
2. "I am not responsible for other people’s problems."
3. "I decide for myself what I will and will not do."

Those three might be the foundations for my assertiveness moving forward.

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on September 15, 2021, 6:17 pm

Thanks for sharing your stories man!
Looks like a lot of things are working out behind the scenes because of your own hard work!

I could certainly learn a few things from your anti-fragile ego system.

I have also gained a lot from Roger Love's course.
I think the breathing exercises are so good as an example.

I didn't like what K said too.
He seemed really proud of letting everyone know that he didn't return the call.

 

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on September 15, 2021, 8:58 pm

Nice going Ali!

And good to see / read from you by the way.