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What I'm Doing, (Maybe Where 🙂 & Why

Quote from Ali Scarlett on September 15, 2021, 5:03 pm

A new friend of mine invited me to his "invite-only" business networking chapter.

An exclusive club of high-status male and female businesspeople that has an annual fee of hundreds of dollars for membership.

This meeting was organized differently than what I'm used to. Everyone put their name, what they do, who they're looking to be referred to, and their contact information in the chat.

I did the same, but forgot to put my contact information.

When it came time for everyone to introduce themselves verbally, I noticed quite a few people drawn to my presence. Lots of heads nodding and attentive listening. And, by the time I got done, my friend had a big smile on his face as if he was proud to have been the one who brought me.

Seeing his smile made me feel good. It wasn't so much gaining his approval as it was gaining my own approval that I can hold my own with the best of 'em (there were quite a few elites in the room). And, his positive judgment felt like social proof of that.

After that, I internally reminded myself of my antifragile ego—being proud of myself for simply having gone for it and done my best—and continued with the meeting.

Later, someone dropped a message in the chat aimed toward me:

K gave me an order for everyone to see. And, even though I was planning to put my info in the chat since I forgot (and I thought there might be some others who were interested), if I would have followed his lead in front of everyone right then, I would have suffered a status-loss. And, I didn't want that.

So, I used a frame control technique that used to be called "frame changing" (i.e. change the frame's meaning) in PU. And, I dropped it in the chat as he instructed, but privately so only he could see. And, I slipped in a slightly less dominant order of my own to rebalance things a little further.

  • Old Frame: "...put your info in the chat..." (= "put your info in the chat publicly because you forgot and I'm/we're interested")
  • Frame Change: "...put your info in the chat..." (= "send me your info in the chat because I'm interested")

It's clear from my appearance that I'm a bit younger compared to the other members, but everyone seemed to overlook that because:

  • I've developed a deeper, more socially powerful voice since working with Roger Love
  • When we went into breakout rooms, applying the social skills I picked up from Chris MacLeod's work helped conversations with everyone flow and even made them smile and laugh at times
  • In a brainstorming session, I shared the eagle-eye/hawk-eye analogy (see Designing Your Career) with everyone and they loved it so much they asked me to present it to the entire group. And, when I did, I was so focused on following PU's advice that I didn't give much notice to the group, but I did notice that when I finished they continued to brainstorm off of my analogy—including my friend who built me up in the process

At the end of the meeting, we were all given a few minutes to say or share anything else that we needed to. And, K said to my friend something along the lines of:

K: (loudly with a joking tone) Hey R, I want to make an announcment publicly that you called me and I didn't call you back. So, I failed. And, I'll call you back right after this meeting.

R laughed as well as a few others. But, I kept a straight face. I simply didn't like the joke and I especially didn't want to make it seem like I agreed with it.

I thought to myself that he didn't apologize. And, he didn't have to "publicly announce" that R was invested in speaking with him and K, seemingly less invested, shut him down. He could have simply apologized to him over the phone privately after the meeting (especially if he was going to call him back anyway like he said).

It felt like he had lowered my friend's status, especially given that R laughed at K's "joke". And, while there are a few who laughed, there were also a good many who did not.

All in all, a good meeting though. I have a few one-on-one's scheduled for later today and the near future. So, I walked away with some connections and may have some collaborations coming soon.

This 'K' person seems like a ladder climber and value taker. It seems best to go high dominance and very low warmth with him according to me.

 

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Lucio BuffalmanoMatthew Whitewood

Sometimes, I get more than one dream in a single night's rest.

Last night, I had multiple, two of which I can remember very clearly.

In one of those dreams, I was very angry. And, I was in a lot of pain.

The pain felt familiar though. It felt like the same mental and emotional anguish I experienced as a young teen, suicidal, alone, and depressed.

When I woke up, I started journaling. And, that's when I uncovered a fundamental issue that has halted my progress on my social power journey, negatively affected my life satisfaction, and prevented me from accepting my insecurities.

Cognitive Distortions and Limiting Beliefs Held Me Back

When I was growing up, I was, in a sense, raised to believe that "good people should always win".

This stemmed from the movies and TV shows that I would watch as a kid. Those made-up stories would trickle over into reality when I would walk down the stairs ready for school and see my mother watching real-life stories in the news, often saddened by the tragic deaths of good people, but rarely seeming to feel bad about the deaths of "bad" people.

The unstated consensus in my household was that the good people of this world should always win, hence why it's sad when we lose them, especially when it's at the hands of a perceived "bad" person. (And, conversely, it's why we don't care in our household when a bad person, such as a terrorist, loses — even if it's their life.)

Later, I would take note of the reactions of others outside of my household. And, that general consensus still seemed to hold, no matter how old I got.

The idea remained that the good guys should always win. (It would have been silly for someone to say while we're watching a movie, "Hey, I hope the protagonist dies and the credits roll as the bad guy wins in the end." Or, after seeing a tragic killing of an innocent man on the news say, "And he should get away with it too because bad people should always win.")

That's why I never questioned the "good guys should always win" belief. After all, who would want the bad guys to win?

But, this "good guys should always win" belief is a cognitive distortion of magical thinking (see cognitive distortions) because nobody can always win. So, when all of the closest people in my life walked away from me and I felt like I had done nothing wrong to deserve that treatment (I felt like I was a good person who should have won), it made me wonder why.

I rationalized to myself that it was because I was a good person who was also a low-status nobody. And, that led to another self-limiting cognitive distortion: mind-reading.

I would look at others and think to myself, "That person won't walk over here and strike up a conversation with me, but they probably would if I was sitting here having a conversation with Kevin Hart. They think I'm worthless."

*Note: I would often read the minds of others in ways that made it more likely that I was right. It's very unlikely that someone would walk across a room to talk to someone they've never met before without an incentive when they're busy shopping at the grocery store. And yet, I'd tell myself, "Yeah, exactly, they would do it though if I were a celebrity or a billionaire." And, I would mind-read in ways that made it difficult for the other person to "prove me wrong" so I could easily justify my anger and aggression toward the world.

All of this time, I thought I was becoming more emotionally and socially independent.

I started out by being myself and ended up ostracized for it.

So, I found TPM and started aiming to be the best version of myself, carrying myself the best I could with the SCM in mind. And, I told myself that this new version of myself was becoming more independent because I had taken a different career path from most people and was working on my mindsets with Ultimate Power.

But, I was fooling myself.

The only difference was instead of saying, "I hope they will like me for who I am," I started saying, "I hope they will like the higher status version of me."

And, that's far from the emotionally and socially independent mindset of, "I will be fine regardless of if they like me or not."

I thought that my self-development work was moving me towards being more emotionally and socially independent and that my career work was because I'm ambitious. And, for the most part, that's true.

But, I used my self-development efforts to cover up the fact that my agenda had always stayed the same: I still wanted to feel accepted again and I still wanted to avoid the pain of ostracization. In other words, I was still emotionally and socially dependent. And yet, I convinced myself that because I was doing so much work on myself, that wasn't the case and I didn't feel that way.

That turned my emotional and social dependence into my biggest insecurity. Like covering up a pimple with the world's most intricate band-aid.

And, I later realized that that's why I had hit a plateau in developing my emotional resiliency.

Whenever I would feel emotionally affected by the hurtful behavior of others it was because, at my core, I felt like their hurtful behavior meant I was being pushed back into the "death sentence" that was isolation again. Back into the painful place I was in when I was suicidal, lonely, and confused. A place I never want to go back to.

New Mindsets for a New Outlook

The truth is though, I will be fine whether others like me or not in 99.9% of social situations.

So, some new potential outlooks of mine are:

  • "I always go for it and do my best to make sure the good guys win. And, it's unfortunate when they don't, but that's life."
  • "I don't know what other people are thinking. And, I don't need to know what other people are thinking. And, that's OK."

I felt like I was ostracized despite being a good person. And, that I needed to raise my status while also being a good person in order to be accepted.

In reality, the good guys won't always be accepted. They won't always win.

I might be a good guy, but I'll still lose sometimes. And, that's OK. The man I want to be doesn't always win. He always grows, and that's what's important to me.

I won't always be accepted. And, that's OK. Now, I'll still go for it and do my best to make sure I experience victory in my pursuits — including my pursuit of a successful social life. But, if I'm rejected, it's all good, I can always go again.

*Note: Social ostracization can be temporary and very short-lived because I can achieve anything I want to accomplish given time and a skill set. And, that includes achieving an emotionally satisfying social life. So, there's no need to treat social ostracization as if it's impossible to manage because I can manage it with growth.

And, the second mindset is aimed at overcoming my mind-reading cognitive distortion.

That'll take practice, but everything worthwhile does :).

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Lucio BuffalmanoMatthew Whitewood

Thanks a lot for sharing your journey, experience and thoughts!

When I was growing up, I was, in a sense, raised to believe that "good people should always win".

I think this is part of the American dream.
So it's very normal to encounter this notion when growing up.
I encountered this notion too.

The government and big corporates continually sell the idea that hardworking Americans will be able to reap financial independence and rewards.
They have done a really good job on that.

I thought that my self-development work was moving me towards being more emotionally and socially independent and that my career work was because I'm ambitious. And, for the most part, that's true.

But, I used my self-development efforts to cover up the fact that my agenda had always stayed the same: I still wanted to feel accepted again and I still wanted to avoid the pain of ostracization. In other words, I was still emotionally and socially dependent. And yet, I convinced myself that because I was doing so much work on myself, that wasn't the case and I didn't feel that way.

I think a lot of us, especially men like to find belonging to some group.
And it's especially painful when we get ostracized from a group we felt belonging to.

Very happy to see how well you are doing well in spite of all that has happened.
It must have indeed been an arduous journey that not many would have been able to travel.

So, some new potential outlooks of mine are:

  • "I always go for it and do my best to make sure the good guys win. And, it's unfortunate when they don't, but that's life."
  • "I don't know what other people are thinking. And, I don't need to know what other people are thinking. And, that's OK."

I felt like I was ostracized despite being a good person. And, that I needed to raise my status while also being a good person in order to be accepted.

In reality, the good guys won't always be accepted. They won't always win.

Thanks for sharing your outlook.
I think part of good leadership is doing your best to make sure the good guys win.
And sometimes, as you advised, we also have to make educated guesses about what people think.

As you also mentioned, we can still fail in spite of all of this.
And even be ostracized.

I am on the same page as you on going after this meaningful pursuit of self development.
The journey has been meaningful :).

Ali Scarlett has reacted to this post.
Ali Scarlett

Awesome, Ali.

Yes, nobody wins all the time and that's cool.

Who needs to "win" all the time anyway?
Hollywood movies to sell, sure, but not real-life people.
That would be so boring. God bless the losses :).

As strange as it may sound, I personally also find a lot of "beauty" and poetry in a loss where you've given it your all.
It's as good as a win.

A random note you can take it or leave: you can be cool with being accepted or not accepted.
And you can still take some good and helpful feedback from it. Not just whether or not you're accepted but who is it and what type of character and person they are.

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Ali ScarlettStef
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Big thank you to the both of you, Lucio and Matthew!

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on October 18, 2021, 12:12 am

Who needs to "win" all the time anyway?
Hollywood movies to sell, sure, but not real-life people.
That would be so boring. God bless the losses :).

I shared my screen with a friend of mine to share your point here, Lucio. And, he smiled saying he was thinking the same thing :).

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on October 18, 2021, 12:12 am

A random note you can take it or leave: you can be cool with being accepted or not accepted.
And you can still take some good and helpful feedback from it. Not just whether or not you're accepted but who is it and what type of character and person they are.

Absolutely, I couldn't agree more.

And, that's one of the reasons why PU is so valuable to people (like me) who want real, practical strategies for advancing in life because that includes the strategies for assessing other people's character as well as for identifying where one could improve as a person.

Daily Mindset Routine Update

For the time being, I've stopped doing visualizations.

My thoughts on them are that they're great for setting one's intentions for the day if you can effectively act from that place of knowing what you want in life and where you want to be.

But, for people like me who often wind up daydreaming instead of visualizing and then feel less motivated to work through the reality of not being where we are yet, it's counter-productive. And, it can harm an otherwise good attitude toward enjoying the journey.

So, on another note, for the time being, I'm also refraining from writing down my goals twice per day.

I used to write them once in the morning and then again before bed. But, I'm finding that writing my goals before bed causes me to think about work right when I should be starting to relax for a good night's rest.

So, for right now, writing my goals in the morning before starting my day helps me to focus on getting things done without any of the drawbacks of visualization (the main drawback being that I sometimes feel like I'd rather continue daydreaming than have to face reality).

New (Potential) Reviews

Simple Habits by Slow Growth (Matt D'Avella)

Quick rating: Matt D'Avella's Simple Habits course is a 10/10. It combines all of the best information from habit development resources and packages it alongside a workbook that walks you through the entire process step by step. Couple that with the high-quality community he shares access to, and you have a perfect package.

Masculine Polarity by Swinggcat

I also started reading/listening to another program by Swinggcat called Masculine Polarity.

Not bad so far, it starts out with a lot more theory in evolutionary psychology than his Real World Seduction (RWS) book. And, it's beginning to funnel down into more practical action steps based on those overarching theories.

But, I'm still getting some of the same feelings I got from his other program: very high-quality content for beginners, but less helpful for the more advanced (or those looking to become more advanced).

If it makes the cut, it'll get a review.

But, I'll be skipping his Sexual Connections program because of a couple of lines in his copy that threw me off:

Swinggcat: "The part of a woman's brain that makes her superficial and judgy. The part of her brain responsible for her 'good girl' rules is called her 'Critical Factor'. I've come up with a system that short circuits a woman's critical factor and simultaneously pumps her body full of raw sexual arousal. Do this and the judgy part of her disapears. It'll no longer matters if you're fat, bald, short, or ugly."

Swinggcat: "Five sexual triggers hardwired into her primitive brain. (Her primitive brain can't tell the difference between hot and ugly. Or nice guy and creep. It just responds. Push any of these triggers and her body will flood with arousal - even if she thinks you're down right gross.)"

Sometimes, in RWS, it felt like Swinggcat made claims that didn't reflect the whole picture.

For example, he said, "When a woman witnesses other women treating a man like a prize, it fires a compliance trigger hard-wired into her brain called social proof."

And, listening to this part, it felt like Swinggcat was saying that if a man displays preselection, he's guaranteed compliance because "it's a 'compliance trigger' hard-wired into her brain". And, I disagree because more factors go into successful seduction than only preselection.

And, I got some of those same feelings of skepticism reading the copy for his Sexual Connections program.

Mental Strength by MasterClass (Robin ArzĂłn)

When I was refining my antifragile ego system, I took a look into a few different resources for mental empowerment.

One of them was Robin ArzĂłn Teaches Mental Strength by MasterClass. And, I haven't finished it yet because I felt like the content didn't live up to its marketing.

The course instructor seems to take an approach of improving one's physical body to improve the mind. But, I was looking for more mindsets, not so much nutrition and fitness material.

Still, I could be jumping the gun on this one. When I get the time, I'll do a full run-through and then see if it's worth a review on TPM (at the very least, her recipes looked awesome and might deserve a mention in our thread for the best diet, food, or nutrition for power :).

Business Leadership by MasterClass (Howard Schultz)

Was almost finished my review on Schultz's business leadership MasterClass when something unexpected came up.

I was enjoying this course a lot and finishing this review would wrap up on all of the reviews for MasterClass's business courses.

But, after I clear my plate, I'll be stuck between the rock and hard place of either finishing this review or finally getting to read (and maybe review) The Power Manual by Cyndi Suarez. (I saw one of her interviews on her website and her answers to her fans' questions on how to deal with certain situations follow some of the approaches taught here at TPM. So, I'm excited to check it out.)

Next Moves

Mainly clearing my plate so I can get back into a few things I have planned for my growth with TPM — one of those things being retaking PU all over again with a brand new set of digital flashcards shareable with the community (right now, it's looking like it might take a few months before I get to that though).

I might take a month or so off of the forum to focus on getting my current work done. Then, I'll come back when I'm prioritizing retaking PU, crafting new flashcards, writing new TPM reviews, and so on.

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Lucio BuffalmanoKellvoMMC

Superb recommendations; you are clearly hard at work towards becoming your best self, Ali.

Simple Habits looks highly intriguing, especially as actively building a solid foundation of mutually-reinforcing habits that furthers my mission is such an important part of success in all areas of life. I'm seriously considering re-listening to the Atomic Habits audiobook after I'm done absorbing Todd V's material for the week. The associative linking techniques have already proven useful: triggering praying after waking up, going to the gym after my class and reading self-improvement material when I turn on the computer. Also, I enjoying playing Habitica, which is a habit-setting/productive app that's also a social video game, and would consider picking it up again.

Swinggcat's Masculine Polarity course is interesting; it seems to sit at the midway point between old-school PUA and new-school masculine self-development to get women. His language feels a little 'off' - perhaps some unhealthy beliefs about women under there - but the advice is sound. Another course you may be interested in checking out and reviewing is Casey Zander's Masculine Behavioral Therapy (MBT) program, which deals both with developing a strong masculine foundation in all areas of life and then using that to attract high-quality women, along with the power dynamics involved. I almost brought it over Verbal Game honestly, but a lot of what it covers I already know, and Power University covers the rest.

Also, good to see you using Masterclass as well; I find it highly educational and useful. It's great not just for studying in depth, but passively absorbing knowledge while performing other tasks. Another less obvious use I've found is that it's a great way to start conversations and build bonds with other highly ambitious and educated people. And learning firsthand how elite people see the world and their craft is a great way of installing their mindsets into you. Robin's masterclass is definitely a favorite of mine; I also like Chris Voss's masterclass on negotiation, which overlaps heavily with concepts found here, particularly seeking win-win solutions.

Looking forward to seeing your progress as well, Ali!

 

P.S. - I found out Masterclass is doing two memberships for the price of one right now. Anyone interested in that, now's the time.

Quote from Kellvo on November 21, 2021, 7:39 pm

Superb recommendations; you are clearly hard at work towards becoming your best self, Ali.

Great to see you here in the journal, Kellvo, thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Quote from Kellvo on November 21, 2021, 7:39 pm

Simple Habits looks highly intriguing, especially as actively building a solid foundation of mutually-reinforcing habits that furthers my mission is such an important part of success in all areas of life. I'm seriously considering re-listening to the Atomic Habits audiobook after I'm done absorbing Todd V's material for the week. The associative linking techniques have already proven useful: triggering praying after waking up, going to the gym after my class and reading self-improvement material when I turn on the computer. Also, I enjoying playing Habitica, which is a habit-setting/productive app that's also a social video game, and would consider picking it up again.

Thanks for putting Habitica on my radar!

It seems like it could be fun, I've made some friends through the Simple Habits community and we typically do something like this:

  1. Reward: If I do the habit for 30 days, I'll reward myself with something on my list of things I want (could be an Amazon list, could be a dessert I've been eye-balling, etc.)
  2. Anti-Reward: Any day that I miss the habit, I must put $50 into a fund to donate to my accountability partner's charity of choice at the end of the 30 days.

And, sometimes I'll start off the 30 days with $100 in the anti-reward fund. That way, throughout the 30 days, it's up to me to make sure I don't waste that money by doing so poorly that I have to restart for another 30 days and put another $100 in.

With that strategy, I was able to build a habit every month for 12 months (starting December 2020). Here's what I remember:

  1. Month 1: Daily Mindset Routine
  2. Month 2: Bedtime Routine
  3. Month 3 + 4: Morning Routine
  4. Month 5: Early Wake-Up Routine
  5. Month 6: Exercise Routine
  6. Month 7: (Working to reach 90 days in my latest habits)
  7. Month 8: Daily Vocal Training
  8. Month 9: (Working to reach 90 days in my latest habits)
  9. Month 10: (Working on consistency waking up early)
  10. Month 11 +12: Semen Retention

Months 1-6 I have recorded in my journal, so I'm fairly sure of those. The remaining months I didn't record because I'd already built the bulk of my main habits and didn't plan on adding any more, so my memory may be a bit sloppy on those.

The hardest habits for me were waking up early (at 6 am) every day regardless of what time I fell asleep the night before and semen retention. But, thankfully, I managed to pull them off (the semen retention one had some interesting results).

Quote from Kellvo on November 21, 2021, 7:39 pm

Another course you may be interested in checking out and reviewing is Casey Zander's Masculine Behavioral Therapy (MBT) program, which deals both with developing a strong masculine foundation in all areas of life and then using that to attract high-quality women, along with the power dynamics involved. I almost brought it over Verbal Game honestly, but a lot of what it covers I already know, and Power University covers the rest.

Yeah, I've made a couple of notes on it and left a short review before. Here are some relevant threads you can check out:

Quote from Kellvo on November 21, 2021, 7:39 pm

Also, good to see you using Masterclass as well; I find it highly educational and useful. It's great not just for studying in depth, but passively absorbing knowledge while performing other tasks. Another less obvious use I've found is that it's a great way to start conversations and build bonds with other highly ambitious and educated people. And learning firsthand how elite people see the world and their craft is a great way of installing their mindsets into you. Robin's masterclass is definitely a favorite of mine; I also like Chris Voss's masterclass on negotiation, which overlaps heavily with concepts found here, particularly seeking win-win solutions.

I had no idea you were into Masterclass as well, Kellvo, that's awesome.

When you get the time, feel free to take a look around here for some of my Masterclass reviews. A couple even got published to the main side of the TPM website, so you might find those particularly valuable:

Hope you find my post here helpful, if there's anything in particular you'd like to ask me, feel free.

Cheers, Kellvo!

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P.S.:

On your note about courses that teach developing a strong masculine foundation to attract women, there's a course by Jon Anthony.

Jon's a PUA, owner of the Masculine Development blog, and contributor to TPM. His course is called "Alpha Evolution".

Jon is someone I have respect for and I think his course might be good. I'm considering taking a look (and maybe giving it a review here) when I have the time. But, I wanted to put it on your radar in case you see it and want to join before I do.

You do Semen Retention too? That's awesome, Ali! I can testify firsthand that it has incredible results in every arena of your life. It gives so much energy and drive here, all under a deep and purposeful sense of purity and clarity. And having the knowing that you can lead your sexual energy in a positive and purposeful direction does wonders for your Frame and confidence.

YW with Habitica, and thank you for putting Simple Habits on my radar too! I know what my Christmas gift will be. Alpha Evolution looks very promising; although I don't have the means for it now, Jon is clearly an honorable and capable man, and I am confident in the coherence of his material. I also intend to get Jordan Peterson's Self-Authoring program very soon, both to solidify my own vision further and enhance others'.

Also, wow did I dodge a bullet with MBT there! Glad I trusted my gut and went with Verbal Game. Just looking at Casey's responses, it's clear that - at least there - he is NOT a high-quality man at all. And the people he attracts says it all; a big variable that weighed against MBT when considering how to spend my money was seeing the people who watched his videos - many desperate, angry and/or lost. I think MBT has its place for men at the start of their masculine journey, as it gives well-rounded advice and a clear wake-up call, but it doesn't have much to offer for people like you and I who are well down the road already.

Finally, it's amazing that the Masterclass programs you mentioned being influenced by and writing about are my favorites too - great minds think alike! I'd be honored to read your articles and ask any questions that comes to mind - for great people like us are always learning.

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