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What's in it for them guys, WIIFT, never forget it!

Ah, thanks for that breakdown.

I felt that writing "jackass" was unneeded because it was a way of thread-expanding on something that doesn't add any value to the reader or to himself. It simply puts the other guy down. But, that was the whole point and you made it clear for me, Lucio.

It was because he was putting this other guy down that he was actually being built up (albeit negatively) because that anonymous sender was now being used as a social peg.

You might have noticed, but in the last paragraph of the sender's email, he said:

Sender: "I saw you walking on...a coupole of evenings ago, and I really wanted to just speak with you, but you don't know who I am, and you were with someone else."

And, the networker commented on that as well, saying:

R: "I sent this to the person he talks about in the last paragraph. She asked if I was going to meet him. I said I was afraid he was going to wear my skin as a jacket."

So, what exactly does that mean? Does that mean he forwarded the email to the girl he was walking with simply to prove to her he was better than this anonymous guy?

A bit far in my opinion, but he's still very advanced and knowledgeable in networking, so I'm still looking forward to learning from him.

P.S. I will be revealing his name sometime in the near future.

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Serena Irina

So, what exactly does that mean? Does that mean he forwarded the email to the girl he was walking with simply to prove to her he was better than this anonymous guy?

Based on the attitude that transpires from the "jackasses" bit, it's possible he making fun of the cold-email reacher for being a serial killer (ie.: "you sound like such a stalking wierdo, that I'm afraid you're a serial killer").

That was another mistake in the cold reach out, that part of "seeing you walk down the street" should have been omitted, or phrased better.

Still also here in my opinion it was unnecessary to demean him.
Similar dynamics as with the "jackasses", more on the ironic / covert aggressive, but still another unneeded social climb.

That being said, he does seem to get the basic dynamics right, so I can see that he can have quite some good stuff to share.

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Serena Irina
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Another WIIFT fail email that was sent to the networker I'll be learning from later this year:

The networker (we'll call him "R" from this point forward until I reveal his name) used this email as a case study to assess "real" customers from fake ones:

R: "Good god, you’ll more likely see this nutjob flying to the moon on a magic carpet than buying one of our premium courses. I posted this on Instagram and someone said, “He’s already interested enough to write you the email. You just gotta set his expectations straight...the opportunity is there.”  No — this guy will never, ever buy. You can’t turn a D student into an A student."

Mistakes I Saw

Sender: "Let's get into business directly."

This feels like a demand. And, it's in part how it's phrased. He doesn't say, "I think it would benefit both of us to get into business directly, what are your thoughts?" which would establish a win-win frame and invite the receiver's feedback.

I think it's also that he doesn't say anything about himself or what he brings to the table. It's almost as if this "demand" is coming from a place of entitlement since he doesn't even feel like he should have to introduce himself to get what he wants, you should "just know" this guy is the real deal and trust with nothing to go on that he's worth it.

Sender: "The page on how to get started does not open up from my end. Can you please write the entire thing on an email."

Honestly, when I read this part, I stopped reading. I had to take a step back and ask myself what this request says about the sender. It's almost as if he thinks he has some type of formal authority over the receiver. This request sounds like it's coming from a boss, not an anonymous emailer.

Possibly another nod to an entitlement mindset, but also inconsiderate enough to where I likely wouldn't respond to this emailer.

If this is how you do business, I'm not interested in working with you.

Sender: "Kindly note that I am just interested in doing business directly and not reading any crap."

I laughed at this part.

I remember when I was growing up, there was a running joke that you could say "no homo" (i.e. I'm not a homosexual) and get away with saying practically anything as long as those words were said beforehand. And, whenever someone would say "no homo", you already knew the gayest words possible were about to be said :).

That's kind of the case here. He put "kindly" before-hand, but the message felt so value-taking, it doesn't make the message seem any more "polite".

He has already decided to request to do business directly without sharing anything about himself or how it would be a win-win. He says he's only interested in doing business directly without thinking about the receiver's interests at all. Then, to further show how little he cares about the receiver's interests, he takes away what could have made this exchange more of a win-win—being a value-adding member of the receiver's email list. And, as the icing on the cake, he implies that any email back short of what he wants to see is "crap", including the emails he often sends that teach networking and career advancement.

Sender: "Hope you do not upset me."

If this person does have an entitlement mindset, this would likely be where it's coming from. Feeling as if they have some sort of judge authority over the receiver.

With these six words, the amount of power that the receiver would lose if he gave this sender what he wants has just gone up by a lot.

What do you guys think of this? We were just discussing the power dynamics of business partnerships, what do you guys think this email says about the sender?

Would love to hear your thoughts!

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Serena Irina

Hey Ali,

These are all interesting.
And I believe that analyzing these forms of communication is a wonderful way to improve one's own emotional intelligence, as well as one of the best ways to go from beginner until advanced.

That being said, I'm not personally going to comment much on this because I'm not liking that R.'s guy attitude.

It's 2/2 that what he seems to be doing there is to take advantage of very basic mistakes to social climb, posture, and pitch his product in a rather slimy way, while throwing the initial writer down a rather mean bus -ie.: "that nutjob isn't good enough for our premium products-.

That type of tune, I pass.
Not adding my voice to it.

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Serena Irina
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Let's see another recent example:

The email is actually well written from a linguistic point of view.

But it fails from a social exchange point of view.

Among the issues:

  1. Asks without giving: obviously. That's the basic WIIFT fail. She asks for advice and guidance, but gives nothing. As a matter of fact, not only she gives nothing, but she's already taking the moment she writes on my private email ignoring all my requests to please write publicly
  2. Writes me on my private email: there are plenty of people who ignore my request of avoiding email and writing publicly -and I often mark them as spam-. But most of them are on ThePowerMoves email. On the private email, it takes it a notch further, and feels stalkative. How did she get it? I immediately googled my name and email to see where it appeared.

The "looking forward to your reply" is the icing on the cake.

I actually ended up replying.
With a link to this thread:

*98% of the times

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Matthew WhitewoodSerena Irina
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Lucio: "And I believe that analyzing these forms of communication is a wonderful way to improve one's own emotional intelligence, as well as one of the best ways to go from beginner until advanced."

Thanks for your input, Lucio! I'm beginning to feel like I'm improving a lot more by doing this in terms of how I send my messages, how I review the messages of others, how to powerfully respond to messages, and even how I speak.

Sometimes, I'll say something, and if something feels off about what I just said, I'll look at what I said as if it were sentenced in an email to see if I can find any room for improvement.

Lucio: "That being said, I'm not personally going to comment much on this because I'm not liking that R.'s guy attitude."

Yeah, I agree that's not one of his most charming qualities. And, it's likely that it's only a matter of time before I become his next social peg if I study under him.

With that said, his personality doesn't change his knowledgeability much in my eyes. When it comes down to raw information and knowledge, he seems like a guy who knows what he's talking about. It's simply his attitude that can easily get under the skin of people who see through the games he often plays.

We hopped on a couple of Zoom calls where I noticed it's often a part of his way of cracking jokes. And, when it's a group call, I can't help but notice that, oftentimes, hardly anyone else on the call laughs. My biggest concern isn't being power scalped by him, but his (value-taking) attitude rubbing off on me.

And, Lucio, of course, you don't have to comment at all on these notes on R. since you're not the biggest fan.

Lucio: "The email is actually well written from a linguistic point of view. But it fails from a social exchange point of view."

I thought it was good that this person leads by sharing how they found you (your blog) and then adds a compliment. It's a way of introducing oneself that I find helps to begin the rapport-building process since it helps to remove that "stalkative" feel. (e.g. Imagine if the email had instead read, "Mr. Buffalmano, a dating mistake happened to me and the guy I was seeing started to pull away and...".

I also like that this person did what you teach, to often start the first words of the next paragraph in your cold-email with "You" so it doesn't' sound like a "me, me, me fest". Even better, would have been to say, "You wrote about dating mistakes...", to further emphasize that it's less about herself and more about the receiver, which is the key to getting what she wants.

Lucio: "Asks without giving: obviously. That's the basic WIIFT fail. She asks for advice and guidance, but gives nothing."

Yeah, there was definitely a missed opportunity here. Lucio is the owner of TPM, which has paid dating products on it. So, by alluding to being open to purchasing Dating Power Dynamics (DPD) out of gratitude, she could have likely gotten answers to her questions. Especially, since she actually asked two questions:

  1. Can you please let me know why this is: Does this mean she wants Lucio to do an analysis/breakdown of her dating situation? In that case, it actually benefits her more to do this in the forum anyway where she can get more feedback from others
  2. And if there is something I can do or behave a certain way to fix it: And, it sounds like she's also asking Lucio to invest the time and effort to provide her with a mini-roadmap for her current dating situation

From these two, it sounds like this would actually be better suited for the 30 minutes DPD coaching call Lucio offers with the DPD eBook. So, even if she had shown gratitude by alluding to being willing to purchase DPD, it still might not be a win-win in Lucio's eyes.

So, if you don't want to spend the money for that package, the forum would have been her best bet. And, the site owner's private email the very last option:

Lucio: "Writes me on my private email: there are plenty of people who ignore my request of avoiding email and writing publicly...But most of them are on ThePowerMoves email. On the private email, it takes it a notch further, and feels stalkative. How did she get it?"

Your email can be found here. If you'd like it taken down, I'd recommend removing it from ScreenCast. (Noticed it here in this post.)

Also, there's a chance she used an email lookup service as I use for networking. If that's something she already has and uses for other purposes (such as work) then it would have only taken her two minutes tops to get your personal information, those things are fast. If you'd like, I can send you an image or link to where you can find all your public personal information on one of the more popular services.

Lucio: "The 'looking forward to your reply' is the icing on the cake."

Yeah, sort of implies that you would reply at all.

As you said, it's OK if it's already implied, such as if you're maybe reaching out to customer support for Netflix where if they don't respond you might cancel your monthly subscription. But, in a cold email where you're asking for personal feedback, it's not usually the best approach.

I'm surprised at how direct your response was, there's almost no mistaking you put a high value on your time, freedom, and making sure you're not being taken advantage of.

It seems you chose to go meta, which you recommended for close relationships. But, since you're the mentor-figure in this interaction, it also seems to work really well here, even to the point of being value-adding (providing valuable information) if they have a strong enough learner's mindset to take that feedback constructively.

And, reading back the first sentence, it helps to take the edge off of the directness of the rest of the email. Speaking of the first sentence:

Lucio: "Use this reply to think I'm rude, or as one of the most important lesson[s] learned in your life. It's up to you."

I could have sworn I saw a sentence similar to this one used by Michael Franzese as a sort of "on your honor" gambit in conversation. Very powerful, thanks for sharing, Lucio! 😀

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Lucio Buffalmano

Ali: With that said, his personality doesn't change his knowledgeability much in my eyes. When it comes down to raw information and knowledge, he seems like a guy who knows what he's talking about. It's simply his attitude that can easily get under the skin of people who see through the games he often plays.

Yeah, true, you -or anyone else- can still learn from him despite his approach / behavior.

Just keep in mind the drawbacks, and it's good you've already noticed that most people don't laugh on his call: that's a good way of analysing the teacher ot learn from him beyond of what he says.

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Matthew Whitewood
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

If there's one thing I appreciated about Ramit Sethi's Advanced Connector's Package, it's the WIIFT psychology behind his emails. In that regard, he's often really good at reading power dynamics.

Here's a snippet from his program (it's really a 158 page eBook) "50 Proven Email Scripts":

It really seems like Ramit is the kind of guy who "gets it" when it comes to emails. He even goes so far as to mention the topic of low-competence triggers when asking questions in the email that aren't "smart".

OFF-TOPIC

The person I've referenced as "R" above is "Ramit".

In his actual programs (the ones that contain videos and aren't just an ebook) he can be a little annoying in my opinion.

He doesn't tell a story about someone making a social mistake without also joking about wanting to kill himself, jump out of a window, or murder that person for their mistake.

These are jokes that never had any taste for me because I take suicide very seriously. And, these are jokes that devalued the programs for me since I'm not a "natural" born knowing not to make the mistakes he mentions. (It's distasteful for me to have to hear about Ramit wanting to kill someone because they "asked too many questions without including a statement". And, no, I didn't make that example up.)

That said, looking past his attitude, his content is generally pretty good. And, this ebook is an absolute gem. I believe I've actually improved as a networker due to being able to combine its teachings with the lessons inside of Power University.

OFF-TOPIC

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Yeah, going beyond the guy's approach, I agree and I can see how an ebook like that, if well done, can actually be a great tool in developing that "feel" and that emotional intelligence that we talked about on this forum on a few posts.
And that "feel" in turn is also the foundation of "power intelligence" (gotta make an article on PI asap).

The "emotional intelligence" course I had in mind would do something similar, but beyond just cold-approach emails, but across all socializations -plus quizzes-.

 

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Ali ScarlettMatthew WhitewoodJohn FreemanSerena Irina
Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

An interesting case.

No major slippage here, but also far from ideal.

Among the issues:

  1. She is guessing my WIIFM: Such as, that "not paying a lot in one go" is also my goal. But does she know? maybe I don't give a fuck about doint it all in one go. Or maybe I prefer doing it all in one go, since spreading out payments often ends up costing more
  2. Her guess might annoy some people: her message implies that the receiver also doesn't want (cannot?) afford to pay. Or that the receiver cares a lot about money. That's a disempowering guess for either wealthy folks, or for folks who consider money issues a secondary issue in life
  3. She mixes favor and WIIFM: the email feels overbearing as it uses different strategies all at once. It includes the "please please, do me a favor" in the beginning, the "it's in your interest" frame, and then it goes for the high assertive/dominant with the tasking
  4. It can come across as manipulative: now we know she doesn't want (cannot?) pay in one go, so it's her who needs that staggered resolution. When she implies I'll gain from it as well, that's manipulative -especially if I'm not in her same boat-.
    It's a form of social exchange manipulation. Instead of flat out asking me for a favor that would at least be honest and require her to give something back, even if only emotional gratitude, she frames it as in my best interest -but is it?-

Turns out, I don't care that much.
So her request came across as ungracious, overly assertive in terms of tasking, and value-taking -it asks for my time and action, but doesn't leave any door open for giving anything back-.

In her shoes, what could have been better solutions and approaches?

Feel free to take a guess.

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Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?
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