Get Anyone to Do Anything is a very good book on influencing and human relationships.
- Bullet Summary
- Full Summary
- Law of association
- Law of repeat exposure
- Law of reciprocal affection
- Law of similarity
- Law of appearances
- Law of favors
- Law of self deprecation
- Law of positivity
- How to get people to find you attractive
- Recognizing lies
- Take control
- How to make people forgive you
- When someone’s being rude
- Give the harshest criticism
- Real Life Applications
- Get Anyone to Do Anything: Review
- To make people forgive you, give them back power saying you accept their decision over you
- When someone’s being rude keep it about them. They are having a bad day, don’t give them power over you
- Tell people a false news to see if they’re lying: quick answer, they’re honest; delayed answer, lying
David Lieberman says that the core of each relationship, and the core of getting people to do something for you, is getting them to like you.
It doesn’t happen randomly but there are 9 laws which make it happen:
Law of association
The law of association says that whatever people feel around you, will be passed on to you.
So if someone is booking a vacation and they’re all giddy about it and you happen to be around, then those positive feelings will be passed on to you.
If on the other hand someone is having a stomachache and you happen to be around, same principle: the bad feelings will also be passed on to you.
It’s not all random though, you have a huge amount of power. Indeed it’s all about how you make them feel when they’re around you. You probably know the feeling: how nice it is being around someone who’s complimentary and sincere about it? And how annoying with people who find faults in other people?
Law of repeat exposure
As also highlighted by Jack Schafer in The Like Switch, the more you interact with someone, the more they will come to like you -as long as the initial reaction is not negative of course-.
Law of reciprocal affection
If we know that someone likes us and thinks highly of us, we fell the same towards them.
So let them know that you like them and respect them.
Law of similarity
We might find someone different interesting, but we like people who are like us.
Law of appearances
We like people who are like us. People who have similar gestures, use similar words, or even have similar posture.
Law of favors
David Lieberman, rightly, says that people like people they do favor for. But Often we do the opposite and make favor to ingratiate someone. And while we appreciate the kindness, we don’t necessarily like people doing favors for us.
Also because, I’d add, we think they might have some second motives.
Law of self deprecation
We don’t like self absorbed people. Seeing someone as human or doing something clumsy will also make them likable.
This is the same concept in Vanessa’s Captivate of letting us seen as and imperfect -just like everyone else-.
Law of positivity
David Lieberman says that we seek and admire people with a positive attitude towards life.
Very interestingly he also adds that misery loves company and people with misery tend to flock together. BUT… As soon as one snaps them out of misery they’ll forget all about their misery friends.
How to get people to find you attractive
emotionally arousing activities
When our bodies produce adrenaline attraction and sexual desire skyrocket.
scary movies, amusement parks or even physical exercise release adrenaline which will be passed on to the people around.
Very interestingly David Lieberman says that in couples where one of the two is visibly more handsome, chances are they met in circumstances where arousal was high.
In these days of almost suffocating politically correctness Get Anyone To Do Anything reminds that appearing young is important.
Gaze into people’s eyes
Low self Esteem
Very interestingly, David Lieberman says that if someone’s self esteem is temporarily low they’ll find you more attractive
David Lieberman says that to recognize lies we can create a conundrum for them. For example, ask them if they have been to the moves. Once they say “yes”, tell them “I heard the traffic was all backed up because of a car crash”. Now they’re in a conundrum: they weren’t really at the movies, should they confirm or deny?
If they hesitate, they’re lying. And they’ll probably agree.
Law of expectation
people will do what you expect them to do. Example: start walking expecting they’ll come
Multitasking VS Single-tasking
The things we like, we internalize them one or two steps.
Hence to encourage to do something, make the steps smaller. To encourage not to do something, make it a long list.
Confirm their decision
To make it more likely someone will follow up on what you decided, confirm the decision.
For example if they say they’ll come Saturday, first get them to repeat it by saying “you really mean it, are you serious”, then move to a time frame “great, what time, how long might it take”.
Finally, you might add you’ll change your plans to accommodate him, and add how helpful it’ll be, like for example: “wow thanks, having hot water will be so amazing”
How to make people forgive you
- Misdeeds outside of your control:
Show people it was outside of your control AND add you took steps but it was just too much.
Example: I did leave early as I knew it was important for you and there might have been traffic, but the traffic was waaaay worst than it usually is and I could have anticipated
Make your apology sincere and specific and you’ll be fine.
- Misdeed within your control:
David Lieberman The key to forgiveness lies in restoring balance in the relationship
if you hurt someone’s feelings by your own volition “sorry” is not enough because it doesn’t give back dignity. Indeed you need to give the person their power back and bring them back to the psychological level existing before your misdeed took place.
so you do:
- Apologies, responsibility and sincerity. Apologies and take full responsibility: shifting blame will make you look weak and will exasperate things. Also, if you shift blame, only the person to blame will have the power back to your partner: not good, because you want to be one who will fix this.
- Apologies for your behavior clearly. Just say it: “I am sorry”
- Make sure your sincerity shines through
- Remorse. You give the power back by giving to your partner the authority of punishment. “I know what I did was wrong, you have every right to be angry and I’m willing to accept responsibility for my actions”
- Explain how the circumstances which happened will never happen again, a total anomaly. This is the WHY, a plausible explanation.
BUT don’t defend yourself:
- Say it was fear “I feared because things were going so well” or “I feared that you would fire me” or “I lied because I feared you would hate me if you found out the truth”
- Show that your actions didn’t produce anything good. “I felt guilty” “the sex was lousy, I felt so miserable and filled with guilt afterwards”
This is an incredible, incredible interpersonal jedi move to learn.
When someone’s being rude
Don’t react right away annoyed like “how dare you talking to me like that”.
When you do that, you are giving a lot of power to him to make you feel angry and you are taking over his problem.
And if you use the word “I” it becomes a problem between you two. By using the word “you”, you keep the issue on his court.
Try saying “you seem to be having a rough day” or “this seems to have upset you”.
Some more reading for you on the topic:
- Dealing with alpha male handshake
- When someone makes you wait
- When someone pretends they don’t remember you
- Dealing with a bad boss
Give the harshest criticism
David Lieberman says that the key to give criticism is to protect their ego. Here’s how you do it:
- Give the criticism while you are removed from the environment (example: don’t criticize love making right after making love)
- Mix it with a compliment
- You criticize the act, not the person
- Approach it as if they’re not doing willingly: don’t assume or insinuate they’re doing it on purpose
- share your responsibility if you can (you and him against this thing) example “I should have been more specific when.. “
My note: ideally you want to surround yourself with people who can take the harshest criticism because they decoupled their ego from being good. Then, like Ray Dalio recommends, you can experience full transparency.
Find out how values are met
Once you find out the value of people always ask “how do you know when you are X?” “how do you when you have achieved Y?”
It will give you a much bigger understanding of the person.
To make someone do something they never did before, broaden the definition of what’s permissible. People believe things in context, not in isolation, so re-frame the whole “permissible” field.
For example, threesome can become something she does for you to make you happy and at no cost for her.
Real Life Applications
Get Anyone to do Anything is all practical applications. I think two things that cann add the most value to you are:
- Give people power to make them forgive when you’ve done something wrong
- Do not pick up fights with people being rude to you but keep it about them being terrible -VS them being terrible to you-.
Get Anyone to Do Anything: Review
There are a few genius pearls in Get Anyone to Do Anything. I would say the biggest takeaways are:
- “giving power back” when you did something wrong is critical in romantic relationships
- When someone is being rude don’t get involved in “I VS You” but keep it about them, otherwise you give them power over you