The secure attachment is one type of attachment style characterized by self-reliance, emotional maturity, and honest communcation.
This article explains what a secure attachment style, and how you can get one.
What is Secure Attachment
Secure attachment types enjoy intimacy and are comfortable with it.
They are comfortable in asking for intimacy, giving intimacy and talking about intimacy.
They are emotionally centered and tend to trust their partners and their partner’s love without the need of continuous confirmation.
When secure people like you, they show you so and they are not afraid of saying it.
Secure types also tend to provide more emotional and practical support, without withdrawing or playing any games.
When secure people date, they look for consistency and reciprocal investment. That means that they give, but they also expect to get back.
That’s the proper stance of enlightened collaborator, the approach most conducive to social -and life- success.
They despise games and don’t make it a big issue to screening out people that don’t respond to them -and that’s one of the reasons why I advise that playing nasty dating games backfires more often than not-.
Are secure types supermen?
No, they’re not supermen, but they do have a higher level of emotional intelligence compared to other attachment styles, are better at understanding their partners and they make, on average, for better relationships.
Luckily, this is something you can develop -this is what’s this website is all about after all-.
Here is a quick overview of how secure types are like:
|No need for games||
|Comfortable with intimacy||
|Treat partners well||
|Give and take||
Secure Attachment in Relationships
In a relationship the secure types tend to be:
- Very good at conflict management: they don’t feed the need to act defensively or counterattack their partners
- Quicker to forgive: they tend to a positive outlook of the relationship and of their partner, thus they blame less, and are quicker to forgive
- Ready to commit: they tend to view sex and relationship more like two faces of the same coin. They are not afraid of commitment and “labeling” the relationship
In a relationship with a secure type you will experience less up and downs, and especially so if both partners are secure types.
Where Does Secure Come From?
Some sources say a secure attachment stems mostly from parenting and to what’s called “attuned parenting” (Hendrix, 1988).
But these days that’s considered a limited view and it’s been overseeded by more recent studies.
Today the consensus is that attachment styles are the consequence of several different influences, including parenting, genetics and life experiences (Levine, 2010).
Here is a list of what contributes to the development of a secure attachment:
- Mother sensitive to child’s needs
- Easy temperament of the baby (makes it easier for parents to be responsive)
- Good maternal conditions—marital satisfaction, low stress, no depression and social support
- Fewer hours with a non-parental caretaker
- Genetic predisposition
- Life experiences (ie.: avoiding big romantic traumas)
If you’re a mother, avoid this behavior (from the movie Terms of Endearment):
Waking up the child and then leaving the room is the opposite of what a mother should do, which is: help the child get to sleep and leave when the child sleeps.
Science of Secure Attachment
A laboratory experiment showed that secure attachment types have easy access in their brain to themes such as love, closeness and hugs and they don’t register as easily topics such as abandonment, loss and separation.
And contrary to avoidants, they still didn’t access those areas when they were distracted. This makes secure people very confident in their relationship.
They are also more able to switch off negative thought patterns when they want to, which makes them bounce back quicker after an argument. That means that secure people have stronger control of their emotional selves, and they don’t keep a grudge for days on end.
Definitely something we might want to emulate.
Secure Attachment Examples
I love the idea that a picture is worth a thousand words.
And a good video is worth a thousand pictures.
These video examples will clarify for you what’s a secure attachment:
#1. Not Afraid of Emotional Pain
Secure doesn’t mean cool, loving and loved all the times.
It also means asking for the truth when that truth might hurt. It’s the power of vulnerability.
Something that Ted from “How I Met Your Mother” shows very powerfully here:
The willingness to ask, to explore the emotional side of the relationship and the courage to show the heartbreak are signs of a secure attachment style. When he adds “forget I said anything” is a moment of weakness, but it’s understandable.
#2. Not Afraid of Emotional Honesty
Unluckily for Kay, The Godfather was a damn badass secure attachment example.
At least in this scene.
Then he changed.
But in this scene, he is very vulnerable like only secure types can be:
#3. Secure is not (necessarily) confident
Let’s dispel this myth.
Since secure speaks his mind, is not afraid of commitment, and doesn’t play games people might think of them as some sort of very confident, super-human types.
But that’s not the case.
Secure types can also come be less confident, or be too vulnerable, and come across as less powerful.
Here’s an example:
That being said, since secure have less of a need to hide, they also tend to be more assertive, and that is a big plus when it comes to social skills and social effectiveness.
Why Secure is Better
There are plenty of advantages to being secure.
- Remember their parents as warm, available, and affectionate
- Have high self-esteem and few doubts
- Regard others as trustworthy and reliable until proven otherwise (less likely to be bitter cynics, and are better placed at being enlightened-collaborator)
- Strive and work on intimate relationships with those they love
- Admit when they are in distress (can be vulnerable while still coming from a high-power frame)
And when it comes to relationships, research shows that the best predictor of happiness in a relationship is a secure attachment style.
And the great thing about secure partners is that they have the power to lift up in their relationship satisfaction levels both anxious and avoidant attachment styles.
Secure is a thing of beauty in relationships.
Secure Attachment and Power Dynamics
Secure people also tend to be better in all realms of socialization, and come across as more confident.
Julie de Azevedo Hanks for example explains that secure people are also more assertive (Hanks, 2016).
Based on Hanks, 2016
So far, I haven’t seen a single resource clearly explaining how to become a secure, but I found that general self-help, helps.
There is some information though on how to remain a secure attachment type.
How to keep a secure attachment
Attachment styles don’t stay fixed for the whole life in every single case. A shift is possible and a secure attachment could become more anxious.
Secure indeed can exaggerate in feeling like their partner’s well-being is their responsibility, and they can be overly inclined to forgive.
One way that can happen is if the secure partner continually respond to their partner’s unacceptable behavior and keep tolerating it.
That’s more likely to happen in inexperienced secure attachment types, but make a mental note anyway: too much cr@p, and you cut the cr@p.
Signs to Watch Out For
Here is what to watch out for:
- If you start getting too jealous or worried (anxious)
- If you are less trusting, start playing games and find it difficult to talk (avoidant)
Then you’re in the wrong relationship.
Secure attachment types are comfortable with intimacy and they talk straight.
They have stronger, more stable relationships and are happier in them.
For those who are already secure, keep in mind that some very poor partner can make you regress to avoidant or anxious. If you feel you are losing your security, it’s best to end the relationship.