Are you interested in ways to make him invest in you?
You found the right article.
And it will drastically change the way you look at men investing in you.
How Does A Man Invest In A Woman
First of all, a quick overview of what “investing in a woman” actually means.
I will define investing in a woman as:
Any act of caring or showing off which requires the expenditure of effort or resources.
Sounds too abstract and theoretical?
OK, here are some simple examples then:
- Initiates calls/texts and always replies
- Picking her up / driving her back
- Checking up on her
- Listening to her
- Protecting her
- Offering to help
- Offering to pay
- Trying to impress her
- Any act of caring
- Any act where he’s inconveniencing himself for you
Investing in each other is great!
Common investing is what makes a relationship great. One side investing a lot in the other without equal investment back.. ?
Not so great, as we shall see (and not good for your dating effectiveness, either).
Typical Dating Advice On Making Him Invest
Let’s begin with what the dating literature says on how to make a man invest in you:
Most -if not all- women dating books and resources say that you should let him invest in you as much as possible.
It’s a common mantra in:
Most of these books have indeed common the idea that the more you get and the least you give, the better it is.
Why They All Say He Must Invest More
The idea of letting him invest heavily is that:
- You weed out the non serious guys (players etc.)
- You’ll be in control and won’t fall for him too soon
- He will like you more
Why It Makes Sense (on paper)
These are the advantages of the typical dating advice on making men invest in you:
- Weeding Out Players
- Control And Not Falling In Love
We tend to like less what’s very available (Cialdini), so investing little while receiving lots will “safeguard” your feelings indeed.
- He Will Like You More
Studies show that givers feel more committed to the recipient after giving (Horan & Booth-Butterfield, 2010).
This is probably partially because of sunk costs (Coleman, 2009) and back rationalization (check Incognito by David Eagleman).
But in a nutshell, it’s true: the more one gives to you, the more he values you.
There are exception (especially in difficult markets, read The Eligible Bachelor Paradox), but overall the theory does make sense.
The question though is, who does it work with?
The Drawback of Making Him Invest
The Rule of Social Exchange postulates that good relationships tend to reach a balance of value -who you are- and investment -what you do for the other-.
One corollary is that when one side has some major lack in overall value, he must make it up with “external value injections”.
Investing is indeed a way of making up for a lack of value.
And that’s why only men who feel they’re not good enough for you will over-invest.
When they cannot bring enough value with who they are, then they throw on the table different kind of extra services, such as:
- Wining and dining
- Carrying bags
- Fixing stuff
- Ready at your beck and call
- Emotional tamponing
On average men who invest a lot tend to be less experienced, less valuable and more providers type of guys. In short, they often don’t know any better.
Here’s an example which always cracks me up. When he says “I thought I did everything right” he partially refers to investing a lot:
Cooler Guys Seek ROI
ROI is a financial term that means “return on investment”.
And it applies to dating as well.
We all have an internal system of value exchange, and we all seek to keep balanced.
What does that mean to you?
It means that men who are around your same value or higher (not uncommon: men are happy to date lower or horizontally):
These guys will invest the first time and then… Expect you to do the same. They might not be aware of it consciously, but unconsciously they expect something back.
And when they see nothing is coming from you, they will feel something is off.
And what will happen if you keep following the typical dating advice and expect even more without giving?
Bruce Bryan of Never Chase Men Again hits the nail on the head when he says that men with a backbone will flee very soon if you demand without giving.
Doing Dating Investment Dating
What’s the alternative then?
The alternative is reciprocal investment escalation.
Let him do the first step, and make sure you reward him and make him feel good, which will encourage more giving. Give something too, which will reassure him you’re in it as a contributor as well.
And the virtuous cycle will feed on itself.
Not only this attitude of reciprocal investment will foster more and more giving, but research shows that partners in equitable relationships are happier and last longer (Equity Theory of Love).
See here a chart bar example of how a woman can lock in a higher quality man (starting from the bottom):
See here an example of time progression:
Reciprocal Investment Blueprint
#1. – First meeting:
- He: buys you a drink
- You: thank him and get to know him
#2. – First date:
- He: invites you out and pays for dinner
- You: thank him. At the end of the date warmly hug him, look him in the eyes and tell him you’re happy you two met
#3. – Second date:
- He: invite you to some event
- You: you offer him a round of drinks and toast with him to such a nice company (building him up)
# 4. – Third date:
- He: invites you somewhere or to a home cooked meal
- You: bring him a gift with little money value but that says “I thought about you”
That’s how you show him you’re a keeper. That’s a woman he feels he can rely on for life, which is indeed a major trait all the male authors highlighted in women’s dating books.
Emotional investment is a subset of overall investment, but it’s the most important.
If he does he replies with is own emotional investment (ie.: opens up, listens, asks more questions, increases intimacy etc.) he’s a keeper.
I like the idea of making the first move and gauging the reaction.
But whoever makes the first major overture, the pattern is the same: one step each.
Building the tower of a great relationship is a common effort. One brick at a time, one brick each.
The idea in most dating books for women is that you must make him invest as much as possible and he’ll fall head over heels for you.
While that’s true, I explain in this post that mostly works for the least outstanding of men.
And while you do want him to give, you should always take warmly, make him feel about giving and give a little bit back.
Keep escalating in lockstep towards mutual investment and commitment until you step together to the alter (if that’s what you want).
Why you shouldn’t use sex as a bargaining chip.