Criticism is an attack on a person’s full character, and we will understand why it can be so destructive, how to criticize without harming the relationship, and how to address criticism from your partner.

Let’s start.

What Is Criticism?

The disempowering and aggressive form of criticism is a global attack on personality or character, without any power-protection (ie: lacking any respect)

Criticism is the act of finding faults in someone’s character, work, or behavioral habits.

Though relationship researcher John Gottman focuses on relationships, criticism in general is about power dynamics first and foremost, especially interpersonal power dynamics, and social exchange dynamics.

The critic signals he is higher status, higher power, and often higher value than the target of the criticism.
If you think about it, you would rarely openly and personally criticize your boss, your country’s leader, or your biggest customer that you depend so much upon. If you do, you will be very careful to remain respectful and not to offend. In the power moves terminology, you will be highly power-protecting.

For example, you may deliver it alongside other positives; you may make the criticism contextual to a specific situation; or you may raise it with a respectful and minimizing ‘I if I may just say one thing“.

And this is the key difference: it’s the amount of respect that makes the difference in the type of criticism.
Power-protecting criticism treats others as equals and deserving of respect. Non-power-protecting criticism treats them as unworthy of you.

Criticism in Relationships: The ‘Disrespectful’ Type

When it comes to relationship dynamics and health, we usually refer to disrespectful criticism that harms the relationship.
Relationship researcher John Gottman narrows down criticism to the less respectful global attack on personality or character.

Relationship criticism is one of what John Gottman calls “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse“, and it differs in one important characteristic from a complaint.
A complaint is about specific issues, whereas criticism is an attack on a defining personality trait.
With criticism, you attack your partner at an identity level.

Criticism (disrespectful) VS Complaints (respectful)

Criticism often:

• Start with “you”
• Use absolute adverbs such as “always” and “never”
• It’s about them, not the situation

In clearer terms:

Notice that moving beyond criticism does not mean being nice or taking things lightly.
In the last example, he has taken the matter very seriously. And he lets her feel the brunt of his anger and disappointment by refusing to get involved and letting her work on it by herself first.

But he still avoids making it a personal criticism. A personal criticism would have escalated into an ad hominem argument, poisoning both of their moods and moving them farther away from a solution (and from each other).

Note: It’s Contextual. Criticism Can Be A Fair Move

The common mistake people commit when they start reading about counselor-type advice is that they think criticism is always wrong.

But at The Power Moves we highlight that the most effective strategy is always contextual. Criticism can be fair when:

• Match your partner’s intensity, because sometimes being ‘kind’ against meanness only shows weakness. Ideally, you do this to signal you’re not a punching bag, before leading the de-escalation
• It’s a pattern or an egregious infraction that makes criticism of character a fair call
• Jolt someone as a pattern break before de-escalating. Ie. ‘You’re so weak’ is a power move, but it can work to jolt someone out of torpor and to later use their reaction as fuel for change

How Criticism Dooms Relationships

When criticism becomes pervasive, the relationships start becoming toxic.
Three things often happen:

1. Criticism begets criticism: fights multiply and good times disappear
2. Partners behave more like enemies than teammates
3. The sense of “us” disappears and emotional distance grows

While good relationships also feel safe, when criticism becomes the norm, people’s walls and defensiveness go up. The relationship is no more a place to relax and be oneself because our vulnerabilities can and will be used against us.

Understanding this pattern is key: once criticism becomes habitual, it sets off the entire cycle. Let’s look at real-life examples to see how it plays out in practice.

Examples of Criticism in Relationships

And here are a few real-life examples of criticism in relationships:

1. Sex And The City – Carrie and Aidan Fight

Aiden: Oh, *your* stuff, *your* bathroom… You always do that, you never want to let me in”
Carrie: I don’t “always do” anything, and I have.. Let you in

“You always” is a sign of criticism. And with *your* stuff *your* bathroom, he is communicating:

• You are (always) an egoist and self-centered

Even more harmful for the relationship, he says she can never manage to let him in.
That’s a defeatist, hopeless expression. When you talk like that, you are verbally admitting your relationship has no future, and you have no power to change it.
From there on, the argument only escalates, going into contempt, flooding, and ending with stonewalling (we’ll deal with them in the next installments).

2. Mrs. Doubtfire – Divorce Scene

Miranda: You set me up every time to be the bad guy.
Daniel: You spend too much time with those corporate clowns you used to despise
Miranda: I spend too much time with you, Daniel.

She says he guilts trip her. Because it’s *every time* it’s not circumstantial, it’s a criticism of his persona. She is basically saying:

• You’re a psychological manipulator

Daniel implies she has become a corporate clown -another personality criticism-.

Note: Daniel has other issues here beyond criticism. He is lacking a spine, especially after the divorce line (the correctly rewritten script below takes that into account).

3. Sex and The City – Carrie & Miranda Fight

And an example in friendship, as it applies equally well:

Miranda: It is a huge mistake (contempt expression)
(…)
Carrie: You’re gonna cut me out of your life like you did to Steve? The first sign of any little weakness or flaw, and you just write people off. My God, Miranda! You are so judgmental.

Common with criticism, it leads to an escalation. Carrie’s three hits are slightly different, but all point out to the same personal criticism, basically telling Miranda:

• You are a cold-blooded, heartless b*tch

Friendships tend to be more resilient. But if that were a romantic relationship, it might have scarred them for a long time.

Fixing Criticism

Different approaches are valid depending on personality, severity, and whether it’s you who’s over-criticizing, or your partner.
Most of all though, it depends on your level of empowerment. Is criticism because of a lack of communication skills, because of habitual and overly-aggressive acquired habits, because of general personality, or because you’ve been too weak and passive, calling the criticism, and never setting proper boundaries?

So let’s start with the most common approaches typical of ‘couple therapy’ and then we’ll get into the more advance TPM wisdom.

With Communication

Common communication advice is to:

1. Start With “I“

Effective complaints begin with a soft start-up, often stating your feelings. It might be an emotion or a physical state.

2. Talk facts

Focus on facts, not on the person.

3. State the need (what needs to change)

What do you need to happen? How can your partner -or both of you- make it better?

4. Reframe it as a partnership and remind of the positive

At TPM we call this ‘team frames’, and to avoid it becoming a ‘me against you’, you want to reset a frame of teamwork.
For example:

You: Listen, I love you and I think you’re great and we’re great. But we can all improve, both you and I, and I’m saying this so we can get along even better OK?

5. Be kind to people but tough on issues

This is a crucial concept: it’s not about suppressing emotions or being overly nice.

As a matter of fact, you should listen to your feelings and anger.

Fixing criticism is about channeling your negative feelings away from destructive outlets and into helpful ones.
At TPM we like the concept of intensity. It’s not about shouting or being mean, but meaning what you say with gravitas, and speaking like a man who expects to be listened.

Rewriting The Criticism Examples

Here’s what the above criticism examples would look like by using the ‘therapist approach’ to respectful complaint and with common assertive communication techniques:

Fixing Your Partner’s Criticism, At a Foundational Level

At The Power Moves, we prefer tackling things from their root source. And the foundational approach starts with personal empowerment.

Here’s the principle:

⚖️ The level of criticism you experience is directly proportional to how much others respect you
🟰 Become a respect-worthy man, and you’ll never have to worry about disrespectful criticism again

Women who love their partners don’t criticize their character because they love it.
Of course, exceptions always apply. Sometimes some women can get emotional and criticize or be disrespectful even when in fact, they think they have a great partner and that’s where more advanced skills come into play, asserting boundaries and ensuring that, even when emotional, you will still respect each other

If you’re interested in that ultimate fix, we built a training program for exactly for that: