Power-hungry women and, most often, men, can make your relationship a living hell.
Unless you fully submit to them, that is.
But if you prefer a more equitable, supportive, and win-win relationship, this article is here to help.
We will explore:
- The psychology of power-hungry individuals
- Examples of power-hungry behavior
- What you can do with power-hungry people
Power hungry: (Sticks to her plan, no middle ground)
Me: (Sticks to my frame: share the topic first)
Power hungry: (Forced to concede, but hides her concession behind a formal mass text framed as a change due to everyone’s schedule, rather than a concession or favor to me)
A conciliator person here would have ‘power protected’ her refusal to share the topic, for example saying that ‘she couldn’t do it for legal concerns’, but that ‘she was looking forward to explaining everything in person’.
But power-hungry personalities don’t think about sharing power. They think about hoarding power and dictating terms.
It’s all a game to maintain power, with power hungry people.
Contents
Can You Date A Power-Hungry?
This is the general rule:
The more power hungry they are, the more undateable they are.
To be precise, you can still date them.
And you can also marry them.
But if you’re the man, she should NOT be power hungry with you and instead accept your leadership.
Or, at least, you should be OK being the ‘junior party’ (not what our readership prefers).
It’s one of these two or… You’re in for endless fights for control.
Some women instead happily marry power-hungry men because some women confuse power hunger for positive dominance.
Power addiction is that it can truly work as an addiction.
Power addicts feel unsafe unless they’re in control. In a relationship, that means that your needs will never be cared for -unless they overlap with his need for power-.
Power Hungry Are Always In Fight Mode
It’s hard having true intimacy with power-hungry men.
For them everything is a fight to win, starting with the toxic mindset of “who needs whom the least”.
Power-hungry men are focused not on win-win and adding more to the pie, but on taking as much as possible from that pie.
If the pie shrinks, such as if the relationship suffers, power-hungry men don’t care: all they care is that they keep getting bigger slices… Until there is no pie left.
Sometimes it’s hard for normal people to understand power-hungry men. These people fight for a whole host of things that make no sense to others.
Needless Fights: An Example
For example, imagine Kate, the wife, asks him to take her home when she asks so. Kate has a sister in the other part of the world and she wants to show Kate the newborn baby. Since Kate cares so much about family, she wants to take the Skype call on the big screen.
The power-hungry man might say yes.
If you’re a normal person and your wife would tell you in advance that being home on time is crucial for her, you would do so because she pleaded to do so and you agreed.
But a power-hungry person?
On the way home, he might stop at the office. Or stop the car to make a call.
Why on earth would he do that?
It’s because he sees a power struggle in going straight home and doing what she asked for.
If she gets home on time when she asked so, in his mind she acquires power. To avoid that, he comes up with an excuse to reassert his power.
In his mind, it’s as if he was making this statement:
Power Hungry Mindset: “I matter more in this relationship and I can do whatever I please. I am going to prove it to you now but thwarting your plans and wishes”.
They Never Switch Off “Fight Mode”
They have the same mindset in the office and in their job, too, always about winning and displaying dominance.
And they carry that “need to win attitude” home. But there, it doesn’t work. And they end up with truly poor relationships
Power Hungry Men Don’t Allow Improvements
The most maddening part of dating a power-hungry man?
You can’t discuss your issues.
It’s hard fixing issues with them because guess how they interpret any attempt to bring the issue to the table?
Exactly, like a power struggle they need to win.
They’ll see it as an assault on them and will fight to win.
Power-hungry men have different responses to your attempts at discussing problems.
Some of the most common:
- Fly off in a rage
- Pretend they agree and then do nothing (or the opposite)
- Agree in front of the therapist and then refuse to do any more therapy
Some relationship therapists report power-hungry men agreeing with their spouses and the therapist on the need to change.
Then they do the opposite of what they agreed, refuse to see the therapist again, or fly in a rage at home (the most abusive of them).
The more manipulative might lie, saying that the therapist is “destroying their marriage”, and they will try to pitch the therapist as the common enemy.
In truth, of course, they just see the therapist as a threat to their dominance and hold of power.
In truth, power-hungry men are powerless to change and improve. And, often, they are powerless to save their relationships.
Power hungry men are powerless with their need for power
Power Hungry, Domineering Women
Power-hungry men are more about winning and exercising control over her.
Power-hungry women can be equally dogged in ‘winning’ and getting it their ways.
But because of different evolutionary forces, women may also seek to control their men in two unique ways:
- Securing his commitment
- Securing his resources
And I have written a popular article on how women control relationships and their resources.
But here are two video examples to give you an idea of how power-hungry women exercise relationship control:
Have you noticed the difference?
The first time is the power-hungry woman who is direct and uses raw power. That’s what you’d call a “domineering girlfriend”.
The second one instead is using manipulation and soft power.
Power Hungry’s Power Moves
Let’s not review the tools of influence of power-hungry people.
We have already seen in different articles how jealous paranoids and controlling and abusive partners use power.
So let’s focus here more on the covert aggression techniques.
Here are some of them:
#1. There’s Something Wrong With You
When you talk about something you need, they will say or make you feel like there’s something wrong with you.
They will label people with that same need are “bitchy”, “neurotic”, “amoral” or whatever.
So to distance yourself from that category you will automatically want to give up your need.
🙋♂️Lucio’s Example: When I acted too power hungry
Lucio:
My ex-girlfriend wanted a gift for Saint Valentine. I gave the usual spiel about “imposed holidays” and how I felt about them.
And I told her that asking for a gift made me feel like those guys traveling in poor countries where local girls ask for gifts in exchange for sex. My girlfriend was half-Asian and at that one, she gave up.
Back then, those were my real feelings. Now I realize a compromise like a dinner out would have been fairer instead of going full-on with my influencing power.
Curing oneself of power-hungry shortcomings is also about awareness, self-awareness, and maturity.
#2. Says Yes – But Don’t Do It
Another great -sarcastic great of course- technique is pretending to go along with it.
And then not doing it. Or doing it their own way.
This is mostly used by less assertive and more submissive partners. And that’s why it’s more common for power-hungry women.
For example, in her book Why Men Marry Bitches, the author recommends women do exactly this: say yes and then find a way to do it her way.
#3. Overwhelm Power
The overwhelming tactic can be used in a variety of ways:
- Emotional meltdown
- Verbal aggression
- A litany of “rational reasons”
- Ethical impossibilities
Whatever the technique, it’s a barrage that confuses everything.
What’s sure is that, unless you give up, the consequences will be uncleanly dire.
#4. Badgering Power Move
The power-hungry partner will keep coming and coming at you without end.
They will exasperate you so much that giving in seems like the only viable option.
As the example suggests, this is a favorite one for very young, budding power personalities.
#5. Power Through Fear
Another technique for power-hungry is to browbeat the partner with fear.
Power-hungry men might go mad to the point of scaring her.
And power-hungry women might threaten to break up to keep him on his toes.
#6. Victim Manipulation
They will pretend that you are making them sick.
#7. One-Up Power Move
This is the most childish and annoying.
But alas, it exists.
Whatever you say or do, they take it one step further.
You talk about a promotion, they talk about a big career change they have in mind.
You’re tired from work, they are exhausted from work.
Whatever you want to celebrate, they have to make it seem like it’s nothing compared to what they did.
Is Your Partner a Power Addict?
If you have read so far, you have an idea already.
However, there could be some confusion between power addicts and dominant or strong-willed personalities.
This section is to help you come up with an answer.
The Power Hungry Test
Try this test.
Pick an issue where it’s blatantly obvious that they are the one always deciding and then say this:
You: “it’s not fair that you always decide”.
For example, if they always decide what meal to eat, tell them it’s not fair they always pick.
And then watch where it goes from there.
How do they react to your appeal to fairness? Do they take this into account? If they try to have you say that you like their choices, say you like it indeed, but one evening per week you would like to pick.
If they accept your appeal, then maybe you’re not dealing with a power addict.
If they resort to one of the above techniques to have it their way, then they are dealing with a power addict.
Diagnostic Question
Some power-hungry personalities are great at their game.
So good indeed that they will stop just one whisker away from you quitting the relationship.
They will just give you that one thing every once in a while right before you were about to go.
If that’s the case, then you should ask yourself Mira Kirshenbaum’s diagnostic question:
Diagnostic Question: Do you often feel humiliated? Do you often feel in rage or depressed? Do you often feel like you’re invisible or that your wants and needs don’t count at all?
If the answer to the above questions is yes, then you are probably dealing with a power addict.
If repeated attempts to address the issues fail, you may need to reassess the relationship and consider whether it is meeting your needs.
In one observed case study, a spouse refused to comply with a partner’s demand, demonstrating a potential ‘protest behavior’ in power-hungry dynamics:
Her: (refuses to hold his hand) <— This is reaction is in line with a possible ‘protest behavior’ in reaction to a partner who may focus more on power than on communion
Should You Break Up From a Power Hungry?
As we said, there is an overlap between power-hunger and abuse.
To be precise: abusive men seek power and control over their partner, which makes them almost by definition power-hungry.
Power-hungry men, on the other hand, are not always abusive, but that also depends on how hungry for power they are. Hunger for power is a scale after all, and at high levels, it almost always becomes somewhat abusive.
If that’s the case, and I don’t usually make recommendations here, you are probably better off breaking up.
As George Simon explains in “In Sheep’s Clothing“, change is not easy. It requires you to acquaint yourself with the dynamics of power and take a big, assertive stand.
If your partner is “only” power-hungry and not abusive, you can first try together counseling.
But he has to be open to admitting that he has a power addiction first.
For more information read:
- When to break up diagnostics
- Accepting influence (and sharing power)
Why Do People Stay With Power Hungry?
The question comes naturally:
Why do people even stick it out so long in a relationship with a power addict?
Well, deep down many of us admire power.
And of course, that’s especially true for women.
They will tell themselves “of course he’s domineering, but he’s also smart, capable, and blablabla”.
In a world with a lot of too many too-nice men, a man who “always wins” might seem like a strong man to rely on, after all.
And as much as they hate their power-hungry men, they also admire them.
After years of living in the shadows of their power addict husband, some women might even think they wouldn’t be able to handle life by themselves.
Don’t Fall For The Gambler’s Trap
Another reason why people stay with power-hungry addicts is the revenge factor.
Some develop the mindset that the only way to get back their pride and make up for their humiliation lies in undercutting your power-addict partner.
And that’s why they stay: to score a win, save face, and get back their pride.
The best approach is to set firm boundaries rather than seeking indirect revenge, or moving on to better alternatives.
Fixing a Power Hungry
If your partner’s need to win means that you will not get any of your needs met, it’s tough to find a solution.
If you already calmly discussed the issue with him multiple times, I would suggest you try two things:
- Therapy
- Stubborn giving
Therapy means you bring your power-hungry partner for couple therapy and see if you can get anything out of it.
Stubborn giving is something I talked about in the vicious circle of negativity that destroys relationships.
It means you give and give and give and see if anything changes.
Try it out for two months and see if any changes happen.
If that fails, too, it’s time to use your largest leverage, and tell them that it’s either they change, or you must move on.
And if he still doesn’t change, then follow through with your breakup.
Make sure you set timelines for change.
Persistent feelings of rage, humiliation, or frustration in a relationship indicate a power imbalance that needs decisive action.
Indeed, it’s a mistake to think that the worst relationship ends in divorce. The worst relationships keep going in the face of the daily horror they dish out.
