Daring Greatly by Brene Brown will help you become more genuine and courageous.
You will learn about living life to the fullest, showing up, feeling worthy and having the courage of being yourself.
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles. The credit belongs to the man in the arena”.
Don’t stand in the stands of life, but read on and join us in the arena.
- Daring Greatly Summary
- What Vulnerability Gives You
- Chapter 1: Scarcity, Our Culture of “Never Enough”
- Chapter 2: Debunking the Vulnerability Myths
- Chapter 3: Understanding and Combating Shame
- Chapter 4: The Vulnerability Armors
- Chapter 5: Closing the Disengagement Divide
- Chapter 6: Disruptive Engagement
- Chapter 7: Wholehearted Parenting
- Real Life Applications
- Vulnerability makes you authentic and allows you to feel love, belonging and joy
- To be vulnerable you have to:
- Internalize that you are a worthy (of being loved) and enough the way you are
- Have the courage of showing up and engaging even if could hurt
- Internalize that you are a worthy (of being loved) and enough the way you are
- “Your willingness to own and engage your vulnerability determines the depth of your courage”
Daring Greatly Summary
For your benefit of understanding, Brene Brown uses “arena” as in “life”, and “being in the arena” as “living life fully with an open heart”.
Brene Brown says that the more we protect ourselves from vulnerability, the more we grow fearful and disconnected. Being vulnerable then means the opposite: engaging fully and openly with the world around us.
Vulnerability is the courage of putting ourselves out there. It’s the courage of being open despite knowing it might hurt us. And once we are able to do that, we will also be able to fully experience all the joyful moments of our lives.
To help you define vulnerability in practical terms, here’s how Brene’s research subjects described it:
- Sharing an unpopular opinion
- Standing up for myself
- Asking for help
- Saying no
- Starting my own business
- Helping my wife with cancer prepare her will
- Initiating sex with wife or husband
- First date after divorce
- Saying “I love you” first
- Getting fired
- Falling in love
- Trying something new
- Getting pregnant after three miscarriages
- Waiting for the biopsy to come back
- Exercising in public when I’m out of shape
- Admitting I’m afraid
- Laying off employees
- Presenting my product to the world and getting no response
- Standing up for myself and for friends under criticism
- Asking for forgiveness
As you can see and as Brene points out herself, these are all ordinary and common events which are part of our daily life. Indeed, she says, emotional exposure is not an option, it will happen anyway.
The only question is: will you engage? When you do, you are daring greatly and you are being vulnerable.
How Does Vulnerability Feels
And these were some of the answers to the question of “how does it feel being vulnerable”:
- It’s taking off the mask and hoping the real me isn’t too disappointing.
- Not sucking it in anymore.
- It’s where courage and fear meet.
- Halfway a tightrope, and moving forward and going back are just as scary.
- Sweaty palms and a racing heart.
- Scary and exciting; terrifying and hopeful.
- Taking off a straitjacket.
- Going out on a limb—a very, very high limb.
- Taking the first step toward what you fear the most.
- Being all in.
- So awkward and scary, but it makes me human and alive.
- Freedom and liberation.
- It feels like fear, every single time.
- I know it’s happening when I feel the need to strike first before I’m struck.
- It feels like free-falling.
- Letting go of control.
What Vulnerability Gives You
Brene Brown says that vulnerability is the source of hope and authenticity. It gives us and allows us to feel the emotions and experiences that we really crave: love, belonging and joy.
Vulnerability and Love
The biggest example of vulnerability is possibly love.
Brene Brown says that we need to be vulnerable to fully appreciate love because while love can make us feel incredible, it has also the power to destroy us emotionally. Loving someone knowing they might betray us, or that things might not work out… That takes courage. And that’s vulnerability: opening our hearts and soul despite the risks.
Brene Brown recounts the time she’s looking at her daughter dancing and being goofy. She turns to her husband commenting how funny it is she loves her daughter even more for being so vulnerable and inhibited, and how great it would be being loved like that.
It was a key moment for Brene when her husband replied he loves her exactly like that. Brene understood in that moment that adults can be loved for their vulnerabilities and not despite of them.
Narcissism is Shame and Lack of Vulnerability
I found Brene Brown’s analysis of looking at today’s narcissism illuminating. It opened a new door for me.
She sees narcissism as the fear of being ordinary. The fear of not being good or extraordinary enough to be loved, to belong or to build a sense of purpose.
And she says she can see it happening in our society all around. It’s incredibly easy for today’s children of reality TV and celebrity culture to feel they’re only as good as the number of “likes” they get.
Shame Stops us from being Vulnerable: How Brene Realized
Brene Brown tells she stumbled upon shame and empathy research rather randomly.
She knew connection is why we are here in this world because connection is our biggest driver. So she started studying connection. But people in her interviews spoke about their fear of not being worthy of connection more than they spoke about connection itself. That fear of not being worthy of connection is based on shame.
She deep dived into shame, vulnerability, belonging and worthiness. And she came to discover that vulnerability was the epicenter of them all.
At that point she set out to find out what people resilient to shame do, so that we could all learn to do the same and finally live life to the fullest.
Brene calls a life not impaired by shame “Wholehearted Living”.
Living Wholeheartedly means engaging our lives from a place of worthiness.
It means that at the end of the day, no matter what you manage to do and what you don’t, you are enough. It means that even though you know you are imperfect and sometimes afraid, you are also brave and worthy of love and belonging.
Daring Greatly takes a leaf from Brene’s previous book “The Gifts of Imperfection” to tell us what we must cultivate to embrace wholeheartedness and vulnerability:
- Authenticity and let go of what people think
- Self compassion and let go of perfectionism
- Resiliency and let go of numbing and powerlessness
- Gratitude and Joy and let go of scarcity
- Trust and Faith and let go of the need for certainty
- Creativity and let go of comparison
- Play and Rest and let go of “busy” and “stress” as self worth and status symbol
- Calmness and let go of anxiety
- Meaningful work and let go of what you are “supposed” to do
- Laughter, Song and Dance and let go of “cool” and “always in control”
From Brene’s research those who love, feel lovable and experience belonging believe they are worthy of love and belonging.
And, most importantly, she says that a strong belief in our worthiness is cultivated, such as: we can learn to feel worthy.
Today’s society doesn’t exactly help us being vulnerable though. So Brene says we should start by understanding what we’re up against.
Chapter 1: Scarcity, Our Culture of “Never Enough”
We live in a major “never enough” culture, Brene says: never successful enough, never thin enough, never good enough.
Scarcity is dangerous because it makes it harder for us to own our vulnerability and imperfections and to live our life knowing that we are worthy of it.
I found it hilarious and at the same time it rang so true when Brene said that for many of us the very first thought when waking up is “I didn’t get enough sleep”. And that’s only the opening salvo of our day, she adds. We then proceed to tell ourselves how we don’t have enough freedom, money and, of course, never enough time.
It’s something you want to focus on because, Brene says, this “scarcity mindset” is what breeds jealousies, greed and many of our issues with life.
And of course, as previously stated in the narcissism part, if comparing weren’t already bad enough, we often compare our lives to fake, media-driven “ideals” that are completely out of touch with reality.
The Three Components of Scarcity
There are three components of scarcity and Brene Brown invites us to use them to assess the social groups we’re part of:
Shame: Fear of ridicule, finger pointing, put downs.
Comparison: Comparing and ranking, held to a narrow standard rather than acknowledged for uniqueness;
Disengagement: People keep to themselves, nobody shares, nobody pays attention
The Opposite of Scarcity is Enough
The opposite of scarcity is not abundance because, Brene says, they’re two sides of the same coin. The opposite of scarcity instead is enough.
The main tenets of wholeheartedness are indeed vulnerability and worthiness. And worthiness means that you are enough.
Chapter 2: Debunking the Vulnerability Myths
Daring Greatly proceeds by discussing the main -wrong- myths about vulnerability that are often held in our society:
Myth 1: Vulnerability is Weakness
Brene asked a room of people if they struggle to be vulnerable because they think of it as weakness. Most raised their hands. Then she asked how many thought it was brave of people to go in front of the audience and be vulnerable. Again most raised their hands.
The point Brene makes is that we love and admire people being fully open, but we are afraid of doing the same. We are afraid of letting people see us being vulnerable.
The author says being all in and stepping into the arena is not weakness, but is courage beyond measure.
And no need for anything bombastic: I loved when Brene says that “often the result of daring greatly isn’t a victory march as much as it is a quiet sense of freedom mixed with a little battle fatigue“.
Myth 2: “I don’t do Vulnerability”
Vulnerability is the base upon which all emotions and feelings are built, says Brene Brown. Vulnerability is a daily encounter. Closing the door to vulnerability is closing the door to all that makes life meaningful and beautiful.
Not only “not doing vulnerability” would be silly of us, but when we pretend that we can avoid vulnerability we engage in behaviors that are often inconsistent with who we want to be.
Daring Greatly is clear: we will experience vulnerability no matter what, the only choice is how we will respond.
Myth 3: Vulnerability is Putting it All Out There
No, vulnerability is not oversharing. It’s not pestering strangers about your feelings and not plastering your Facebook wall about your love or broken heart. The author says vulnerability is sharing our feelings and experiences with a few inner circle people who have earned the right to enter our inner circle.
Being vulnerable is an integral part of the trust building process that brings us closer to the ones in our inner circle.
Marbles Trust Jar
How do you know if you can trust someone to be vulnerable is a frequently asked question. And Brene answers it saying that you build trust step by step. In her family she uses the “marble jar” reference. The jar represents the trust you have for someone. When someone does something that erodes that trust, you take some marbles away. When they do something to gain your trust you put marbles back.
It’s a great metaphor because, Brene says, trust is not a big gesture but it’s a product of vulnerability that grows over time.
Disengagement is the Worst Betrayal
Talking about betrayals of trust I found it interesting that Brene says there is a more insidious betrayal that usually precedes the “big gestures”. And that betrayal is the disengagement from a relationship, to stop caring.
Myth 4: We Go at it Alone
For all the lone wolves out there, among whom I count myself, Daring Greatly says that no, we can’t go at it alone. We need support. We need the support of people who truly care about us and will be there no matter what the outcome is.
It was incredibly interesting for me and it rang so true when she said that many of us are good at giving help but terrible at asking for help. And vulnerability and going at it together is also about asking for help.
Indeed Brene says we can never really give with an open heart until we learn to receive with an open heart.
Brene’s greatest personal and professional transformations, she says, happened when she did just that. When she asked herself how her fear of vulnerability was holding her back and when she found the courage to overcome it and ask for help.
People in The Stands
I found enlightening when Brene says that the people who matter for us are the ones who are with us in the arena, supporting us and fighting with us. And the people who are criticizing in the stands, those, well… Those don’t matter.
I do trust Brene when she says that nothing improved her life as much as letting go of what people in the stands say. I trust her because it’s been huge for me as well.
Chapter 3: Understanding and Combating Shame
Brene Brown says the only people who don’t have a feeling of shame are sociopaths. All the rest experience shame, so don’t think you can ever completely extirpate shame.
But you need to keep it under control and to be able to act in spite of it. Because, to be vulnerable is to develop shame resilience.
Daring Greatly teaches us that shame draws its power from being unspeakable. So if we build awareness about shame and speak to it and about it we can defeat it.
And that’s where having a strong inner circle becomes important: if we can share our stories with someone who will respond with empathy and understanding, then we’ll beat shame. Similarly, we should cultivate empathy and self-compassion with ourselves.
The Categories of Shame
Brene Brown says there are twelve categories of shame:
- Appearance and body image
- Money and work
- Motherhood / fatherhood
- Mental and physical health
- Surviving trauma
- Being stereotyped or labeled
How Shame Feels:
And here are some examples of people describing shame:
- Getting laid off and having to tell my pregnant wife
- Being asked “hen are you due?” when I’m not pregnant
- Raging at my children
- My boss calling me an idiot in front of the client
- My husband leaving me for my next-door neighbor
- Telling my fiancé that my dad lives in France when he’s in prison
- My wife divorcing and telling she wants children but not with me
- Flunking out of school
- Hearing my parents fight through the walls and wondering if I’m the only one who feels this afraid
Vulnerability, Sharing Art, Ego and Shame
Brene Brown tells us that sharing something you created is a key vulnerability moment in our lives.
Some of us link our self-worth to how our work is received –often because of a Fixed Mindset-. And if people love it, you’re amazing, and if not you’re worthless.
Shame will often prevent us from releasing our art or lead us to remove the most innovative parts to avoid risks (Albert Einstein fell for it when he curtailed his theory of relativity).
And when we do release our work and receive criticism it’s shame telling us that we shouldn’t have tried in the first place.
And I loved, loved, loved what Brene Brown tells us after.
If you attach your self-esteem to what people think AND the people love it, you’re worst off. You’ll feel great in the short term and will not realize you willingly and happily opened the doors to shame to hijack your life.
When you master strong shame resilience skills the scenario is totally different. You still want people to like what you’ve created, but your self worth is not on the line. You know that you are far more than your products. The poor reviews are about your specific effort and not about who you are.
The Shame and sharing concept in Daring Greatly is the same as Seth Godin’s concept of the Lizard Brain in Linchpin: the irrational part of our brain wants to avoid anything risky to keep us safe.
What People Think: a Tight Rope
Brene says that people’s judgement is a tight rope. We need to care about what people think or else we lose our capacity for connection. And at the same time we can’t be defined by what people think or we won’t be able to be vulnerable. Thus learning to discern useful feedback to implement and smearing attacks to discard is an important skill to develop.
Shame VS Guilt & Self Talk
This part is key.
Brene Brown says that how we experience different emotions comes down to self-talk. The way we talk to ourselves determines how we feel and how vulnerable we can be.
Guilt is “I did something bad“.
Shame is “I am bad“.
When we experience guilt instead of shame we own up to our mistakes and we are more likely to change for the better. When we experience shame instead we shift blame. And it makes us feel like we aren’t able to change.
this is very similar to a Growth Mindset VS Fixed Mindset. When we believe we can change, we own up to mistakes, accept feedback and improve. When we believe “this is who we are” and our traits are fixed, then we protect our ego. Learn to develop a growth mindset here.
How to Combat Shame
Brene Brown defines shame resilience as the ability to stay authentic and stick to our values when experiencing shame. And coming out of the shame experience with more courage, compassion and connection than we had before.
The final step is then to move from shame to empathy, which is the real antidote to shame.
Brene Brown says indeed that shame is a social emotion, and it needs social healing. To overcome it we need to share the shame story with someone who can listen with empathy.
Self compassion also plays a major role because it allows us to seek out connection in the first place.
Here are the four steps to combating shame:
- Recognizing Shame and Understanding Its Triggers. Lean to recognize when you’re experience shame and what triggered it.
- Critical Awareness. Check what’s driving shame against who you choose to be
- Reaching Out. Talk to people who will give you empathy
- Speaking Shame. Talk about how you feel and ask for what you need
- Own Your Story. Brene doesn’t list it, but she stresses you can’t “try to forget” shame. Owning it is key to a feeling of worthiness
It’s also key to understand that we need to work on our shame resilience, because while shame is innate in the limbic system, resilience is a conscious process.
How Brene Brown Does It
Here’s an example Brene gave us:
When the shame attack started she repeats aloud “pain, pain, pain”. It works because it gets her out of the limbic system and into the pre-frontal cortex. She then took a deep breath, told herself it’s a shame attack and that she can handle it.
Never bury the story, don’t try to hide it, she warns us!
She also repeated to herself loudly “if you own this story you get to write the ending“.
And it’s key that while we normally are extremely mean when we talk to ourselves, we must do so in a compassionate way. For example: not “you’re such an idiot” but “you made a mistake”.
And she then called her husband first and best friend later to share the story. The husband and her friend listened and empathized. And then they also shared similar stories.
And shame disappeared as Brene realized what she had just experienced was human and normal and that she wasn’t alone.
Shame & Sharing Trauma
Importantly, Brene Brown says that sharing deeply shaming and traumatic experiences is even more important.
Connection, Love and Belonging
Love and belonging are the two most powerful connectors we have.
And people with a strong sense of love and belonging have one thing only in common: the feeling of worthiness. If you want to experience love and belonging, you have to feel like you are worthy of love and belonging.
Connection: We feel connected when we feel heard and valued and when we can give and receive without jjudgment
Belonging: We feel belonging when we feel part of something bigger than ourselves. Brene says we often try to belong by fitting in and seeking approval. But that’s wrong because true belonging only happens when we present our real selves. Thus, our sense of belonging can only be equal to our self acceptance.
Love: I found it extremely powerful when Brene Brown say that self-love is a prerequisite for loving others. She says you can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
Shame in Men and Women
Brene Brown says the primary shame trigger for women is how they look.
But also being nice, modest, caring for children, taking care of her looks, stay sexually faithful and invest in their relationships.
Basically, says Brene, women should stay small, sweet and quiet and use their time to look pretty.
For men shame is about failure and being weak.
It’s being “defective”, being seen as soft, showing fear, being criticized or ridiculed. In the end, says Brene, all boils down to “don’t be weak”.
There’s an incredible paragraph in which Brene Brown realizes that women themselves are, in her words, the “patriarchy”. It means that women don’t actually want to see men weak and vulnerable, and men know it. And that’s what puts pressure on men to be “masculine”.
Masculinity is identified, I quote, with: winning, emotional control, risk-taking, violence, dominance, playboy, self-reliance, primacy of work, power over women, disdain for homosexuality, and pursuit of status.
I loved the example in Daring Greatly of a man practicing shame resilience in the face of having to lay off staff. He says “while shame would want me to feel bad about being emotional, I don’t buy into it. I have worked with these people for years, know them well and I am allowed to care about them“.
Chapter 4: The Vulnerability Armors
In Chapter 4 of Daring Greatly Brene talks about how we try to avoid and protect ourselves from vulnerability.
Most of us use the same techniques, which are:
It feels safer to wallow in a sad or grey state rather than being happy and risking sad. While it’s true disappointment might be more disappointing if you were happy (see Cialdini), it’s not a good strategy because you give up all the joy in your life just to make your downs a liiittle less down.
Antidote: Gratitude for our joyful events and our daily happy moments.
We use perfectionism as a shield when we -mistakenly- believe that if we can just be perfect we will avoid the painful feeling of shame because we’ll only get love and compliments. But we’ll never be perfect, and if we wait we might sacrifice relationships and opportunities that might never come back.
Antidote: Self Compassion and a sense of worthiness no matter what.
We numb ourselves in many ways and not just with drug addiction. A wine before going to sleep, being too busy to think, with prescription pills and with fantasy football too. Numbing tend to be driven by anxiety, disconnection and shame. Brene says she took up smoking and drinking in her teens to look busy, and today many do so with their phones.
Antidote: learn to get in touch with your feelings, stay mindful about your numbing behavior and learn to deal with the discomfort of hard emotions. And to reduce anxiety learn to say no: we have to believe we are enough to say “no”.
Viking or Victim (or Win or Lose):
Viking or Victim means to divide humanity in winners and losers. It’s a combative way of engaging with the world and Brene says it might be a useful mentality when in a battle for life or death, but it’s not a mentality leading to a successful life by most people’s standards (check an example of combative relationship here).
Sharing too much too soon in a desperate attempt to connect. This behavior never leads to connection. Brene says that most people using floodlighting deal with the subsequent disconnection by telling themselves they’ll never find true connection and they’re not good enough for a relationship.
Antidote: Brene suggests to only share stories you already worked through and not to share “intimate” stories or fresh wounds.
Smash and grab:
Similar to floodlighting but more underpinned by attention seeking.
Brene Brown uses the term “serpentining” to describe the huge amount of effort we expand to dodge vulnerability when it would take much less to just face it. You serpentine when you have to make a call but postpone for made up reasons. Or when you need to send an email but leave your draft sitting for days. Serpentining is draining and not a healthy way of living life.
Antidote: When Brene finds herself serpetining she laughs, breaths and reality-check her behavior to start engaging with vulnerability. Seth Godin recommends to use the fear response as the trigger to run towards the fear.
Cynicism, Criticism, Cool, Cruelty:
Brene Brown says that people daring greatly make us sometimes feel bad for not being vulnerable ourselves. We then use cynicism, criticism, cool and cruelty to put them down. Being cool is the attitude of “whatever”, “who gives a s***” and labeling people as losers or lame.
The same is also attacking people for their “conformity” and dismissing people for example for selling out or for “a life in a cubicle”.
Criticizing is born out of a fear of not counting, and it’s an attempt to be heard.
Antidote: I absolutely loved Brene’s tip on resisting the urge of using shaming criticism. You simply take responsibility for what you say. Dare Greatly and sign all your comments. If you don’t feel comfortable to own a comment, then don’t say and deal with your issues (similar to not doing any job you wouldn’t sign on at the of the day).
Chapter 5: Closing the Disengagement Divide
Brene Brown believes that disengagement underpins most of the problem she sees in families, communities and businesses. We disengage for two reasons: to protect ourselves and because we feel the people who are supposed to be leading us are not living up to the social contract. Such as: they don’t live up to the preach.
And I can personally testify to this.
Brene Brown calls the “disengagement divide” the space between our practiced values -what we actually do- and our aspirational values -what we want to do-.
The social contract for Brene Brown means aligning our values with our actions (Tony Robbins explains how to change our values and Brian Tracey says when our values don’t align with our actions we are unhappy with ourselves).
Chapter 6: Disruptive Engagement
Daring Greatly then analyzes the way shame permeates our culture in schools and organizations. She says people in leadership roles bully, critize and set up rewards systems that belittle, shame and humiliates employees.
Recognizing a Culture
Brene Brown says that we can tell a lot about how vulnerable a culture is by looking at how often people say things like:
- “I don’t know”
- “I disagere, can we talk about it?”
- “here’s how I feel”
- “can I get your take on this?”
- “I accept responsibility for that”
- “I’m here for you”
- “I want to help”
- “I’m sorry”
- “that means a lot to me”
- “thank you”
Brene Brown gives a strikingly beautiful example of a feedback she received on a paper of hers.
Brene’s professor got up from her chair and went around the desk to sit next to her. She put her paper down and said how happy she was that Brene had come in to talk about it. Brene had done a great job, the professor said, and she loved the conclusion. She patted her on the back. Brene said she had worked reallly hard on it, and the professor confirmed that she could tell.
Then she said where she took some points off, adding that she could submit her paper for publication and she didn’t want the formatting to hold her back. Then she asked her if she needed help with the formatting because it’s tricky and it had taken her years to learn.
The professor agreed to review her paper again after the fixes and gave Brene a few tips.
Brene left grateful for her grade and for the teacher.
If you are interested, Winning Body Language provides a few more great tips on nonverbal communication for a constructive feedback.
Chapter 7: Wholehearted Parenting
Our sense of love, belonging and worthiness are shaped by the family we grew up in, but as a tear-jerking letter in Daring Greatly shows, it’s never too late to learn.
Brene says that the best way to teach our children is to be and to show: how we behave and how we engage with the world are much better predictors of how our children will do than all the books we’ve read about parenting could teach us.
Real Life Applications
- The marble jar
Most of us have a had a tendency of being all or nothing at all. Use the marble jar instead. A mistake from a friend of yours doesn’t mean he’s not a friend anymore. It’s just one point less. The marble jar concept helped me in many instances.
- Wake Up “Enough”
Daringly Great didn’t mean to use it as a suggestion, but reading of waking up with the scarcity thought of “I didn’t get enough sleep” and “I don’t have enough freedom”. It really changed my life for the better. You live in a free world, you’re free to do whatever you want.
- Accept You’re Enough
Don’t let “being enough” stop you from improving of course, but as you get a better and better human being also do accept you’re worthy.
- Ignore People in the Stands
People in the stands are the ones who are not your friends and whom don’t matter to you. The moment you stop caring about their judgement and hurtful comments is the moment your life will improve exponentially and you’ll become a freer (wo)man.
I Me Mine?
Daring Greatly feels a bit too much like a diary at times with lots of personal stories inside references and even her shrink’s conversation. It’s as if you’d like to tell Brene “it’s not all about you”.
Disorganized and Repetitive
Daring Greatly often repeats the same concept in a thousand different ways in different chapters. It helps fleshing out the concept, but I’d have appreciated a more structured approach.
Misguided Attacks on “Society”
I always have to fight my urge to disconnect when people blame “society” for this or that phenomenon. I find it misguided when Brene Brown attacks society for “shaming” men and women into acting “mannish” and “feminine”. It’s not all on society, there are innate drives at play there (read more in the review)
If you’re a man, the Mask of Masculinity makes a good companion to Daring Greatly.
What I Didn’t Like
You need caring support. You.. Need it?
Daring Greatly says that “no, you can’t go it alone” and that you “need” support from people that “will love you no matter what”.
I don’t think it’s helpful for you to internalize you need external support. External support is great and very welcome. You should make friends. You should build a inner circle who cares for you and whom you care for. But because you can and because you want. Because you both add value to each other. NOT because you need.
People Loving You Matter What
I’m worried people could read in Daring Greatly you should be who you are and people will love you no matter what. But you shouldn’t think that way. Your mamma will love you no matte what and I’m not sure there will be anyone else. But you shouldn’t even ask for that. They’ll love you as long as you love them and care about them. And they’ll love you even more if you’re an amazing person.
So love first and be amazing, don’t expect people will cheer you up “no matter what”, that’s entitlement BS (read more in: The Rule of Social Exchange).
Shame in Men and Women: The Theory
Daring Greatly sounds like the all too common “society is at fault” complaint when discussing shame in men and women. It’s not just society, it’s also innate.
And maybe it’s not fair society reinforces the idea men and women to be like this or like that, but why wasting time in terms of “fair” or ” unfair”?
Te question is: can you change it? Not really (that easily). Can you adapt and be happier? Yes, much more easily. Than do that.
Brene herself says that men know women don’t wanna see them acting vulnerable and weak. It’s funny she reaches that conclusion for men and yet still complains about the other side of the equation.
What I Warn You About
Feelings And Using Feeling
Daring Greatly talks a lot about the courage of abandoning yourself to feelings. True, but don’t use that as an excuse to stay sad or angry when that doesn’t benefit you. It’s not brave being hurt or sad all the times. It’s not brave to lash out. So be open to feelings, but remember you control them.
Vulnerability and Achievement
I believe many of us are afraid of setting goals because of the fear of missing those goals. Thus, albeit Brene Brown does not mention so in Daring Greatly, I’d like to add that the courage of setting high standards for yourself is also part of vulnerability.
Shame in Men and Women: What’s Best
Brene says that embodying all the masculine traits makes you lonely. I say that’s preposterous. Only if you take all of them to the extremes you’ll be lonely. While you should discard for example “disdain for homosexuality” as a masculine trait you do want emotional control and self-reliance.
I believe it’s possible to be vulnerable and strong for men. And women can be highly accomplished, strong and still be feminine.
What I Loved
Basically, all the rest. The concepts in Daring Greatly will make you a better human being.
Here are a few key ones:
Daring Greatly and vulnerability opened a new doors for me. Like most everyone else I have a tendency to keep fears and pain for myself and “trying” to appear better than I am (less and less thanks goodness). Vulnerability helped shift that paradigm for me.
Engaging in the arena is courage in itself
What an amazing concept.
Go for it, go for whatever you love. And love yourself for going for it because showing up is courage in itself.
It’s not the critics in the stands who count
I can’t count the times I repeat this sentence or a variation thereof to myself. Make it yours and it will improve your life.
Be the person you want your children to be
It’s not what you say, not your results and not what you know. It’s who you are (and who you’re becoming). What a beautiful concept.
Don’t tie your ego to the results
I love that Rene tells us not to tie your ego to results. I’d add: become enamored of the process, not so much of the results and the results will come.
Ego and Validation
I love Daring Greatly for saying you shouldn’t tie your self esteem to people’s feedback especially when that feedback is positive.
Don’t be one of those people whose happiness is proportional to their number of likes, but get an anti fragile ego.
I invite you to read a different perspective: