In Daring Greatly author Brene Brown shares her takes on vulnerability, which includes being genuine and having the courage to show up even if it might hurt because, she says, it’s the only way to live life to the fullest and develop real, honest, and loving relationships.
TPM Strategic Note: Vulnerability is a tool. Powerful in the right context, costly in the wrong one.
Brené Brown is the leading voice for Communion (warmth, connection, and openness; see social skills vs power skills). Her insights are valid, but NOT for high-agency and competitive power dynamics contexts (business, high-stakes negotiations, sometimes dating). There, vulnerability is a strategic disadvantage and a cue of weakness. This review filters Brown’s “Wholehearted” philosophy through a lens of realism to distinguish “healthy openness” vs. “poor strategy”.
Exec Summary
- Vulnerability makes you authentic and allows you to feel love, belonging, and joy
- To be vulnerable you have to:
- Internalize that you are worthy (of being loved) and enough the way you are
- Have the courage to show up and engage, even if it could hurt
- Internalize that you are worthy (of being loved) and enough the way you are
Notes
What’s Vulnerability
Being vulnerable means engaging fully and openly with the world around us.
Vulnerability is the courage of putting ourselves out there.
It’s the courage of being open despite knowing it might hurt us.
And once we are able to do that, we will also be able to fully experience all the joyful moments of our lives.
To help you define vulnerability in practical terms, here’s how Brene’s research subjects described it:
- Standing up for myself or saying ‘no’
- Asking for help
- Starting my own business
- Initiating sex
- First date after divorce
- Saying “I love you” first
- Getting fired / laying off employees
- Trying something new
- Waiting for the biopsy to come back
- Exercising in public when I’m out of shape
- Admitting I’m afraid
- Presenting my product to the world and getting no response
As Brene points out, it’s ordinary and common events that are part of our daily life: emotional exposure is not an option, it will happen anyway.
When you engage, you are daring greatly, and being vulnerable.
How Vulnerability Feels
And these were some of the answers to the question of “how does it feel being vulnerable”:
- It’s taking off the mask and hoping the real me isn’t too disappointing.
- Not sucking it in anymore / letting go of control
- Sweaty palms and a racing heart.
- Scary and exciting; terrifying and hopeful.
- Taking off a straitjacket.
- Taking the first step toward what you fear the most.
- So awkward and scary, but it makes me human and alive.
- Freedom and liberation.
- I know it’s happening when I feel the need to strike first before I’m struck.
- Naked.
What Vulnerability Gives You
Brené Brown says that vulnerability is the source of hope and authenticity. It gives us and allows us to feel the emotions and experiences that we really crave: love, belonging and joy.
TPM Note: Some men don’t crave love and belonging but contribution, achievement, honor
And that’s equally valid, in some ways more masculine, and more in line with our readership.
Love requires vulnerability
Brene Brown says that we need to be vulnerable to fully appreciate love because while love can make us feel incredible, it also has the power to destroy us emotionally.
Loving someone knowing they might betray us, or that things might not work out… That takes courage. And that’s vulnerability: opening our hearts and souls despite the risks.
TPM Note: Pursuing ambitious goals also takes courage because we may fail
One is not ‘less courageous’ than the other. We still advise an antifragile ego to combine the best of both worlds though.
Narcissism is Shame and Lack of Vulnerability
Brene Brown sees narcissism as the fear of being ordinary, the fear of not being good or extraordinary enough to be loved, to belong, or to build a sense of purpose.
And she suggests that our society may boost narcissism, a claim that has been debated by researchers but tha we generally can agree with.
Combating Shame With Wholehearted Living
Shame inhibits vulnerability.
People in her interviews spoke about their fear of not being worthy of connection more than they spoke about the connection itself.
That fear of not being worthy of connection is based on shame.
From Brene’s research those who love, feel lovable, and experience belonging believe they are worthy of love and belonging.
TPM Note: This seems to describe low self-esteem.
She deep-dived into shame, vulnerability, belonging, and worthiness, and she claims that vulnerability was the epicenter of them all.
Brene calls a life not impaired by shame “Wholehearted Living”, or engaging our lives from a place of worthiness.
Her list of what to do to develop ‘wholeheartedness’ felt a random mix of self-help and new age advice, though.
Scarcity: We Live In a “Never Enough” Culture
We live in a “never enough” culture, Brene says: never successful enough, never thin enough, never good enough.
Scarcity is dangerous because it makes it harder it makes us feel unworthy (Brene says that for many of us the very first thought when waking up is “I didn’t get enough sleep”).
This “scarcity mindset” is what breeds jealousy, greed, and many of our issues with life.
TPM Note: It’s also what drives you to maximize your potential, though
The opposite of scarcity is not abundance because, Brene says, they’re two sides of the same coin. The opposite of scarcity instead is enough.
Brene Brown’s ‘Vulnerability Myths’
The author says the myths of vulnerability are:
- Myth 1: Vulnerability is a Weakness: being all in and stepping into the arena is not weakness, but courage beyond measure.
- Myth 2: “I don’t do Vulnerability”: all emotions are built on vulnerability. Closing the door to vulnerability is closing the door to all that makes life meaningful and beautiful <— TPM Note: you can also live a great life without being overly emotional and keeping an even keel
- Myth 3: Vulnerability is Putting it All Out There: no, it’s sharing our feelings and experiences with a few inner circle people who have earned the right to enter our inner circle <— TPM Note: it may be great to have a tight confidante, but nobody says you must share anything with anybody
- Myth 4: We Go at It Alone: Brebe says that no, we can’t go at it alone. We need support. <— TPM Note: this can be a weak mindset. Self-sufficiency is on a spectrum, and while few, if any, are totally self-sufficient, and while that may not even be a valid goal, it’s also true that very high neediness makes you dependent on others (Emerson, 1962)
Understanding and Combating Shame
Brene Brown says the only people who don’t have a feeling of shame are psychopaths.
All the rest experience shame, so don’t think you can ever completely extirpate shame.
But you need to keep it under control and act in spite of it. Because to be vulnerable is to develop shame resilience.
There are many categories of shame, including looks and body image, money and work, sex, traumas, etc.
TPM Note: Many of these categories relate to being low-value, low-competence, or not achieving goals
We agree with combating shame to maintain self-esteem and confidence, but we prefer an approach based on antifragility so that you can also keep working on your goals
Also see:
Brown talks about ‘high shame self-talk’ as to what we’d refer as ‘disempowered thought processes’, so we agree with her.
She says that it’s best to switch guilt for shame:
- Guilt is “I did something bad”
- Shame is “I am bad”
TPM Note: In psychology, this is also referred to as attribution style, it was interesting and insightful that Brown related them to feelings shame.
Shame in Men and Women
Brene Brown says the primary shame trigger for women is how they look.
But also being nice, modest, caring for children, staying faithful, and investing in their relationships.
For men, shame is about failure and being weak.
There’s an incredible paragraph in which Brene Brown realizes that women themselves are, in her words, the “patriarchy”.
It means that women don’t actually want to see men weak and vulnerable, and men know it. And that’s what puts pressure on men to be “masculine”.
TPM Note: That’s an important aspect the author doesn’t acknowledge. Being ‘vulnerable’ makes you less attractive, and less effective in dating.
Also read:
Connection, Love and Belonging
Love and belonging are the two most powerful connectors we have.
- Connection: We feel connected when we feel heard and valued and when we can give and receive without judgment
- Belonging: When we feel part of something bigger than ourselves. You don’t get it by fitting in and seeking approval, but presenting your real self. Our sense of belonging can only be equal to our self-acceptance. <— TPM Note: True effective self-acceptance is earned with competence, and your real self and what’s ‘accepted’ only align when you’re not a value-taker
- Love: self-love is a prerequisite for loving others. She says you can only love others as much as you love yourself.
The author also talks about assertiveness and the importance of ‘saying no’.
See:
Competitiveness: Viking or Victim (or Win or Lose)
The author talks about the common ways with which people avoid vulnerability and antidotes for them. We agree with some of them, but as it’s often the case with Brené Brown, we see it more as a matter of pros and cons, context, and goals.
Specifically, Viking or Victim means to divide humanity into winners and losers.
It’s a combative way of engaging with the world.
Brene says it might be a useful mentality when in a battle for life or death, but it’s not a mentality leading to a successful life by most people’s standards.
TPM’s Note: Competition between winners and non-winners is part of life
Brown views the world as a place for mutual support; Power Dynamics recognizes the world as a place of also competition. While ‘Viking vs. Victim’ is a binary trap, ignoring the competitive nature of life, including goal-achievers and non-achievers is naive. Empowered men don’t choose between being a Viking or a Victim; they choose to be a Strategic Player who strives for victory while staying mentally resilient in defeat.
Read more on how to turn cynicism into something positive:
Criticism
Albeit “Daring Greatly” can be an important read for many, it remains grounded in little data and evidence.
So my first criticism is:
Psychology-Coated Storytelling
Brown’s research is based on “qualitative research methods”, particularly grounded theory.
It relies on interviews and narrative data to derive theories -ie.: storytelling risk-.
And that CAN be a valid approach, but… You really need to trust the researcher on that.
And she did not gain my full trust.
Across her books and interviews, I’ve also seen few references to research, and it felt more like opinions and generalizations.
High-Communion, Feminine Approach Served As ‘Best Practice’
Several of Brene’s approaches lean more into high-communion, which is more associated with the feminine pole.
But she seems to present them as ‘best practices (for all)’.
Just as an example, take her advice of having a group of close friends to share your shameful moments in order to ‘beat shame’.
That’s something that didn’t connect with me at all.
Naive Self-Help
A book that tells you to be more honest and show your weaknesses without talking about the risks and drawbacks of that is textbook naive self-help.
And a book that advises being honest without mentioning how to recognize and pick good people is naive. In truth, some people are takers and manipulators.
I highly recommend these cures:
- Why vulnerability is NOT power
- Naive self-help: a fundamental read to avoid the trap of being too good or too vulnerable for this world
Culture Over Nature. Attacks on “Society” Are Misguided
I find it misguided when Brene Brown attacks society for “shaming” men and women into acting “mannish” and “feminine”.
It’s not all on society, there are innate drives at play there (read more in the review).
And maybe it’s not “fair” that society reinforces the idea of men and women being like this or like that, that’s a moot point.
Brene herself says that men know women don’t wanna see them acting vulnerable and weak.
It’s funny she reaches that conclusion for men and yet still can’t see that it’s the same for women and that people are not just socialized that way, they are born that way (also read: The Blank Slate).
Diary-Style at Times
Daring Greatly feels a lot like a diary at times with lots of personal stories, inside references, and even Brene’s conversations with her therapist.
Was this book supposed to help the readers or is it supposed to help the author?
Because at times it feels like the latter.
The author talks a lot about narcissism, but at times it’s as if you’d like to tell her: “relax, it’s not all about you”.
TPM Assessment & Warning
| Context | ROI of Vulnerability | TPM Strategy |
| Intimate Relationships | High: Builds trust & connection (but don’t forget power baseline!) | Maintain power baseline, add “wholeheartedness” |
| Leading a Team | Moderate: Humanizes you, but can erode authority | Use “Selective Vulnerability” (share the struggle, not the doubt). |
| Salary Negotiation | Negative: Signals desperation or lack of leverage. | Hard Frame. Vulnerability only if strategically sound |
People Loving You Matter What: It’s Not True
Some could read in Daring Greatly that you should be who you are and people will love you no matter what.
But you shouldn’t think that way.
That’s an entitlement mentality and the truth is that only your mother will love you no matter what.
Everyone else will love you as long as you add value. Read more in The Social Exchange Theory:
Don’t use it as an excuse to be a slave to your feelings
Daring Greatly talks a lot about the courage of abandoning yourself to feel.
True, but don’t use that as an excuse to stay sad or angry when that doesn’t benefit you.
It’s not brave being hurt or sad all the time. It’s not brave to lash out.
So be open to feelings, but remember you control them.
Maintain high-power, masculine baseline
Brene says that embodying all the masculine traits makes you lonely.
I say that’s preposterous.
Sure there is such a thing as toxic masculinity, but only if you take all of them to the extremes.
While you should discard for example “disdain for homosexuality” as a masculine trait you do want emotional control and self-reliance.
Brene’s all approach feels more feminine. She talks about ‘the arena’ for what are trivial and mundane stuff can feel like overblowing things.
Making mountains out of molehills isn’t masculine.
Learn more:
Yes, You Can Go Alone. And no, you’re not dependent on others
Brene Brown tells us that we need caring and support.
She says that “no, you can’t go it alone” and that you “need” support from people that “will love you no matter what”.
I don’t think it’s helpful for you to internalize that you need external support.
External support is great and very welcome.
But NOT because you need it.
PROS
Many concepts in Daring Greatly can support an effective and quality life, including:
Engaging in the arena is courage in itself
Go for it, go for whatever you love. And love yourself for going for it because showing up is courage in itself.
It’s not the critics in the stands who count
It’s those who take action.
Be the person you want your children to be
It’s not what you say, not your results, and not what you know. It’s who you are (and who you’re becoming). Beautiful concept.
Don’t tie your ego to the results
Rene tells us not to tie our ego to results. I’d add: become enamored of the process, not so much of the results, and the results will come.
Ego and Validation
Don’t tie your self-esteem to people’s feedback especially when that feedback is positive.
Review
Daring Greatly is a good book on honest living, accepting and owning our shame and fear, and owning up to our real selves with ourselves, and with the world.
Unfortunately, it feels like it promotes vulnerable living to its self-harming extreme, and it does not deal with the downsides of vulnerability.
Another important issue with Daring Greatly is that Brené Brown passes for generalized truths what to me at times felt more like opinions and concepts that only apply to some people (higher in communion).
Overall, this book feels more for high-communion women than for high agency men (our readership). It’s not just the topic or the advice, but the frame with which it’s presented as well. That’s why I can’t fully recommend it to ambitious men.
Ambitious men may still learn and benefit from vulnerability, but they also need different skills to achieve their goals. See:
Daring Greatly Summary: Is Vulnerability Powerful for Men?
Good wisdom on vulnerability and relating to people.
URL: https://thepowermoves.com/daring-greatly-review/
Author: Lucio Buffalmano
2.5
