Feedbacks & clarifications
I have the same feeling here.
One of my friends used to say
Matthew, cookie
and expected me to go to the place where I was storing my cookies, take the cookie, come back with the cookie and put the cookie into his hand.
But my friend at the side jumped in and said to him
This is how you ask.
May I have a cookie please?
I think this dynamic puts people off especially if you are asking for something.
Because it is a form of social exchange manipulation.
By framing somebody in the subordinate position, you get rid of your social debt and doesn't give the other person social credit when the person gives value.
It gives the perception that this person is entitled and won't give social value back.
But people respond to this emotionally as well.
As such, even if you are the boss and work with the person for some time, it's best to avoid tasking this way.
I think coercive approaches promote more transactional relationships.
People think
Okay I put you as a priority for you to task me anytime.
What do I get in return?
If there's not much incentive, then people are unlikely to respond.
When This Dynamic Is More Appropriate
Fast-Paced Situations With High Trust
I recall 2 personal situations where this is more appropriate:
- Working together to make a presentation with an impending deadline
- Military exercises with your brother-in-arms (yeah literally)
There's already an understanding that you are having a balanced exchange to work towards a goal.
You are being efficient in communication, and it goes both ways.
First example
Presentation Partner: Picture here. Move slide here.
Me: Okay. Include this.
Second example with arbitrary signals (yeah I forgot the signals already)
Brother-in-arms: (Gestures to move forward)
Me: (Moves forward)
Me: (Gestures all clear; gestures to move forward)
Brother-in-arms: (Moves forward)
Yeah, great post, Matthew.
Both for the general dynamics, for the leadership with rank-authority (still not a good idea to be so curt), and for the exceptions (when it's better for all to be as direct as possible).
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I think ELKOUHLANI is not a member of Power University.
He doesn't have the Empowered Member next to him.
So he cannot and didn't see the quiz.
Correct me if I'm wrong.
Yes, you're right, good call Matthew, I failed to notice that.
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Fellas, very interesting threads recently and lots of good material.
One thing though: when you ask for feedback, please don't single me out with "what Lucio thinks", because:
- The forum is only as good as long as it's a community: a web of different people pitching in ideas and points of views. And there are smart folks here
- Smart folks with value to add might hold back their value: if you call my name, you're also indirectly excluding others, which means:
- You miss their wisdom
- And I learn nothing: from a learning point of view, if it's just me replying, I might as well talk to a wall. And you can rest assured that I still need -and want- to learn a lot :).
See the forum guidelines in my signature for more.
Cheers 🙂
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Good point brother,
Will definetly do.
@anish (Growfast)
Mate, your threads are great and you seem to have a lot of potential.
Please read the beginning of this thread: we use this thread to give feedback to each other.
Feedback can be hard to take sometimes but it's necessary to grow.
Here's the feedback:
- Provide "thank you" / give back: when you ask a question and people spend time and effort to reply, either thank them, or give an update on what you think and how/if it was useful
See this thread for example. Two people spent time and effort to provide you with feedback and ideas. Those two people are far less likely to want to help you in the future if they feel you're just asking/taking without giving back/appreciating
- Weigh-in on other topics / give back / keep exchange balanced: when you start several threads asking things, that's the equivalent of asking for value / taking. If people don't see anything coming back, they start (subconsciously) labeling others as takers who are getting more and more (socially) indebted. They won't want to give back anymore unless they see something coming in.
This is the lesson on social exchanges applied to the forum.
And the same general principles apply to life.
"Taking" more than giving can provide you with better results on short-term and/or if you meet givers who don't mind the social exchange dynamics.
But the most value is created in longer-term, and winners and high-value folks almost all compute the exchanged value.
Makes sense?
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@anish (Growfast)
The social exchange quiz, the last quiz I added based on your latest interactions, take a look at it.
It's an important aspect of understanding and leveraging social exchanges (others reading this, take a look at it as well, it's an aspect that might not be clear to everyone).
If you've already gone through the quiz or if you want to go straight to the last one, just press "go ahead" to all the previous questions.
Let me know if it's not clear.
Also, please do reply if you're reading these messages.
It's 3 times that I have given you feedback and I haven't read anything back.
That makes me feel -and look- like I'm being spurned and ignored, talking to the wind. And people don't usually like being ignored.
Think about it from a social exchange point of view: what are the chances that I then want to answer your questions, when my feedback is being ignored?
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Thank you Lucio for your feedbacks.
The last quiz based on my latest interactions is a nice addition and will definitely help members have more finesse in future social exchanges.
Cool, thank you for the heads up Growfast.
I add one more thing.
And please share your thoughts if you're feeling it's too much.
A few members have left or flared up because the feedback turned out to be too much, so no shame if you see some anger or resentment in you.
At the same time, in the past I left a few issues unaddressed, and it didn't help any.
So since you're an active member with lots of potential, I'm going to address it head-on now:
Quote from Growfast on August 17, 2021, 12:04 pmThe last quiz based on my latest interactions is a nice addition and will definitely help members have more finesse in future social exchanges.
When you say it will help members, you communicate that it's useful to others, but not necessarily that it was useful to you.
The quiz can be helpful to many indeed, and that's why it's there.
But as per this thread, it was also feedback for you.
So when you keep it at a general level and avoid any personal involvement, it feels to me like either a cop-out, or a power move (or simply miscommunication).
A cop-out, because if we're dealing between you and I and you take the "I" away, you're also removing yourself from the communication.
How do I know if you got it, if you agree, if you disagree, or if you think "fuck this Lucio guy, he's annoying me".
It's important to be aware of this because that type of cop-out irks people who seek a clarification and feels passive-aggressive.
In these cases, a clear "I disagree" is far better (and higher power).
And so is an honest "I'm having trouble taking this feedback right now: I disagree, and it's irritating me").
And a power move, in case one is avoiding to say "thanks" to keep credit, or avoid to say "got it" to keep power.
I hope that's clear.
As usual, if anyone has anything to add or share, feel free to share.
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