Quote from B on January 17, 2022, 12:03 pm

I just sent the first certified email. I'm a bit agitated but let's see what happens.

Quote from B on January 18, 2022, 11:51 am

This morning I received a call from an unknown phone number. I answered, and it was a colleague of mine who still works in the law firm of my former boss. I immediately hung up without saying a word and blocked him.

The background

When I stopped working for my former boss two years ago, I went no contact not only with him but also with this colleague. This is because I was starting to slowly realize that my boss was triangulating me with this colleague (who I then thought was my friend). This colleague would, in fact, encourage me to complain to him about how I was being treated by my former boss, say that he was on my side, and then somehow what I said to him got leaked to others. He would also refer to me what my former boss was saying to him about me, including many things meant to provoke me: that I was lazy, that I did not want to work for him because I was a "couch potato", that my girlfriend had manipulated me into stopping working at the law firm, and many other things. When I realized this, I tried to say to my "friend" that I did not want to speak about my former boss. He agreed with words, but then would always find a way to divert the conversation to my former boss. At the end I made a conscious decision to block my colleague, even if at the time I did not understand the concept of "frenemy".

What happened after my going no contact with my colleague two years ago

After I blocked him, my colleague tried to call me and message me repeatedly (eight or nine times in total) throughout these two years, each time using a different phone number. He would start each call by asking why I didn't want to talk with him anymore. When this started happening, I told him I just didn't want to talk to him, and then blocked the new numbers. Now I just hang up and block without saying a word. I am also now saving proof of these calls because I want to reserve the option to report my colleague for stalking and harassment if this continues.

I used to think that my colleague trying to contact me was really due to him wanting to understand what happened. This morning I had a new realization.

My new understanding

My (former) colleague has probably been harassing me throughout these two years on behalf of my former boss.

This is because today's call came exactly the day after I sent the certified email to my former boss asking to be paid. It does not seem to be a coincidence. While I unfortunately don't have a log of my colleague's calls from new phone numbers before September 2021, as I didn't think it was systematic harassment back then, I am fairly sure that he also tried to call me after I sent the invoice to my former boss at the start of last year.

So, I am starting to realize that my former boss has asked my colleague to call me today precisely because yesterday I pushed for payment.

What to do

I feel I should not talk to my colleague, as it would be lose-lose for me: my boss would be able to negotiate without conceding, and even threaten me indirectly without dirtying his hands. Yesterday I unblocked my former boss's cellphone number (but not his office number, which is in common with other people) on the phone as discussed on this thread, so his not calling me is now clearly a strategy on his side.

I think the best thing now is to wait and proceed with the plan, and not to report my colleague for harassment yet. In a way, this call is a sign of weakness on the part of my former boss, so it is possible that my future escalation leads him to concede and pay. While unfortunately my former colleague has knowledge and probably even my texts on how I thought of my former boss, I don't think they will use these against me not to pay, as my colleague handing over the texts to my boss would probably be a violation of the secrecy of our communications.

Do you have a different view on the above guys, or is there something I am not seeing here?

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on January 18, 2022, 7:04 pm

Usual disclaimer that I comment from the outside and you know better:

I think the mix of your 2 interpretations has higher odds of being the "right" one on your colleague's calls.

There are various reasons I think that's the highest probability one, but to keep it short, it just makes more sense (from an outsider's perspective).

So first he really wanted to know what was up -and probably not lose someone he knew, a semi-friend and, of course, someone he could manipulate/use-.
And the last call was on your boss' behalf.

Personally, I would have picked up his calls.
Not necessarily to stay in touch, but because gradual fading is generally a better strategy than suddenly shutting the door.
It's also higher power, because it shows you understood the game -and the nastier side of human nature-, but weren't so crazy affected that you needed a total reset.
More like "oh, you were that type of SOB now I see. Well, good to know, and I have very little time for SOBs".

But if that was your initial choice, fair enough.

So if you had faded him, on that last call I'd have picked up and spoken quickly before saying you had to go because you're busy with stuff.
If he had raised anything related to the unpaid 6 months, then simple surfacing:

Him: I heard that...
You: why are you asking that?

Then whatever he says, say you have nothing to say on that topic.

The more he insists, the closer and more assertive you become in "either you drop it now, or you force me to hang up and shut you off".

If he starts talking on behalf of the boss, then say "why are you talking for someone else, I don't understand" (playing "fake stupid" is a great way of surfacing).
And then never enter the topic.
Simply say "it's not something that concerns you and me. I hope you had some other reasons to call?".

BUT...

Since you always hang up on his previous calls, then this is the time where I'd also agree that it's best to keep it that way.

At least for now.

In a distant future you may show some minimal warmth if he calls again or if you see him around and he says hi first, without ever re-getting friends, of course.

But there is no reason in changing policy with him now.

Quote from B on January 18, 2022, 7:25 pm

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on January 18, 2022, 7:04 pm

Personally, I would have picked up his calls.
Not necessarily to stay in touch, but because gradual fading is generally a better strategy than suddenly shutting the door.
It's also higher power, because it shows you understood the game -and the nastier side of human nature-, but weren't so crazy affected that you needed a total reset.
More like "oh, you were that type of SOB now I see. Well, good to know, and I have very little time for SOBs".

This is very helpful.

I understand that blocking suddenly as I did with lots of people is a sign of weakness. And truth is, I was emotionally weak at the time from being subjected to constant manipulation and not recognizing what was happening. They were driving me crazy and I did not even have the strenght to not respond or be affected by their calls / texts.

I remember my boss and my colleague's calls would trigger a panic response, so much that I started having to keep the phone on silent not to panic when I received calls/texts.

So if you had faded him, on that last call I'd have picked up and spoken quickly before saying you had to go because you're busy with stuff.
If he had raised anything related to the unpaid 6 months, then simple surfacing:

Him: I heard that...
You: why are you asking that?

Then whatever he says, say you have nothing to say on that topic.

The more he insists, the closer and more assertive you become in "either you drop it now, or you force me to hang up and shut you off".

If he starts talking on behalf of the boss, then say "why are you talking for someone else, I don't understand" (playing "fake stupid" is a great way of surfacing).
And then never enter the topic.
Simply say "it's not something that concerns you and me. I hope you had some other reasons to call?".

This is also very very helpful. I can now see that my interacting with him this way would have gotten back to my former boss, and would have been interpreted as a sign of higher power and detachment. It would have made it more likely for me to now get paid without having to escalate further.

I understand now that my not being paid (yet) does not solely derive from my former boss's intention or behavior, but also mainly from my past (and present) power-weak behavior.

And that this was true with those other clients mentioned in my other threads as well. The more social power I displayed, the more they started to treat me seriously.

I was really acting socially sketchy, I can now see, and these people were all interpreting my behavior as a sign of weakness.

BUT...

Since you always hang up on his previous calls, then this is the time where I'd also agree that it's best to keep it that way.

At least for now.

In a distant future you may show some minimal warmth if he calls again or if you see him around and he says hi first, without ever re-getting friends, of course.

But there is no reason in changing policy with him now.

I have been thinking today of what would happen if I totally unblocked him and all other people I went no contact with in the last year. That would put me in a position of higher power, but also in a stressful situation, and I don't know if I have the mental resources right now.

In the last weeks, after starting Power University and starting to learn how to deal with many of the situations I was unable to address in the past, I have started unblocking some of the people I had blocked, namely those that I now feel I would be able to deal with without getting emotionally crushed. I think I have so far unblocked about half of those I had blocked when I started to understand everyone was manipulating and power-playing me.

Maybe, if my former boss does not call me, trying to call him one month from now before sending the last email could make sense.

Thank you very much Lucio for your time and support.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on January 18, 2022, 7:43 pm

Yeah, your observations are spot on.

And back then when you were at your wit's ends, it made total sense to go total block.

Total block is also not too bad when you need a harder reset from "naive" to "awaken" because it sends a stronger message of "I woke up now, things have changed".

The fading indeed might not just be a more advanced strategy, but also more apt to a more advanced strategist -which you're quickly becoming anyway, so it's now relevant for today's you-.

And on "unblocking little by little", it's a great approach actually.
I think the lesson on assertiveness also recommends it as a good approach: to become more assertive one relationship at a time, rather than all at once.

Quote from B on January 18, 2022, 7:48 pm

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on January 18, 2022, 7:43 pm

The fading indeed might not just be a more advanced strategy, but also more apt to a more advanced strategist -which you're quickly becoming anyway, so it's now relevant for today's you-.

And on "unblocking little by little", it's a great approach actually.

Thanks Lucio, really thanks.

Quote from ZenDancer on January 18, 2022, 8:08 pm

Quote from Bel on January 18, 2022, 7:25 pm

I understand now that my not being paid (yet) does not solely derive from my former boss's intention or behavior, but also mainly from my past (and present) power-weak behavior.

And that this was true with those other clients mentioned in my other threads as well. The more social power I displayed, the more they started to treat me seriously.

I was really acting socially sketchy, I can now see, and these people were all interpreting my behavior as a sign of weakness.

BUT...

Since you always hang up on his previous calls, then this is the time where I'd also agree that it's best to keep it that way.

 

I have been thinking today of what would happen if I totally unblocked him and all other people I went no contact with in the last year. That would put me in a position of higher power, but also in a stressful situation, and I don't know if I have the mental resources right now.

In the last weeks, after starting Power University and starting to learn how to deal with many of the situations I was unable to address in the past, I have started unblocking some of the people I had blocked, namely those that I now feel I would be able to deal with without getting emotionally crushed.

I think this question of being able to assess our own emotional resources is crucial, and it's great that you have that self-awareness... There's a lot of stuff about power relations  that I'm still learning about, but one thing I managed to figure out on my own years ago was that it's not worth obliging myself to take 'the perfect course of action' every time if I'm already depleted by a situation... and the kind of war of attrition bull you seem to be dealing with certainly sounds exhausting! I feel like I've learned a lot from this thread...

Quote from B on January 18, 2022, 9:35 pm

Thank you Lucas for your support and kind words.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on January 18, 2022, 9:45 pm

Quote from ZenDancer on January 18, 2022, 8:08 pm

but one thing I managed to figure out on my own years ago was that it's not worth obliging myself to take 'the perfect course of action' every time if I'm already depleted by a situation... and the kind of war of attrition bull you seem to be dealing with certainly sounds exhausting! I feel like I've learned a lot from this thread...

Yep, great point.

That's also an eagle approach by the way.

You know the game and what would be "most appropriate", but you can freely decide to say "fuck it" and do something else that gains you time, pleasure, peace of mind, or whatever else -funny enough, was describing this same approach here-.