Quote from leaderoffun on June 18, 2022, 10:21 am

So, I implemented my own networking strategy to connect with her best friend of over 10 years (we'll call her "J") who also works with her in her company.

Then:

• Persuaded J to get on a Zoom call with me
• Persuaded J to convince L to open up communications to me
• Persuaded L to rejoin my network

So, now, not only are L and I back to being contacts in each others' networks and good friends again, L mentioned that J was excited to talk about me. So much so, that L was also happy to talk to me again.

Now, that's a result you could only get from some good PU training :).

This morning, I accepted an invitation to work with the United Nations to advance an initiative that helps more people — because of L.

 

@01ascarlett awesome work there! this is worldclass networking performance. It makes me want to read your book!

 

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on August 9, 2022, 8:23 am

Made 400-500 $, got rid of a manipulator

This lady already served as an example of achieving goals with social strategies in PU.

Here's another good example:

*Transference = transfer

She said that the money is on its way.

And I answer matter of factly, ignoring the biggest information of the message -that the money was coming-.

In truth, I was livid at her audacity -she was late, ignored messages and deadlines, already knew she was supposed to move out, and I knew she was a poor guest-.

How did power awareness made me $$$ and helped me get rid of her, here?

Because it helped me foresee her manipulation and strategize accordingly:

I knew that there was an 80% chance there was no money coming.

BUT...

If I had fallen for it and validated that BS, then she would have transferred it.

Please note that getting angry at her belated transfer would also validate her story.
It would have confirmed that there was money coming.

Then as soon as I got angry and sub-communicated I fell for it, then she would have transferred immediately and either played some delayed game waiting for the money to reach my account, or send me the proof of (delayed) transfer to "force" me to keep her there (or waste my time in an unneeded escalation, plus sending the money back to her, which I'm sure she would have made it difficult to stay longer)/

By maintaining my frame instead her manipulation never had the chance to even start.

Result?

I never heard from her again, she moved out at the end of the month, I got rid of a bad person, and earned some $$$ to boot.

Quote from Transitioned on November 24, 2022, 11:57 pm

Hower power awareness made job hunting a better experience and got me more interviews on my terms

So I unexpectedly had to job hunt cutbacks at work.  Never pleasant experience.

After PU I walked in with an awareness of some of the ways people might try to power me down.  The two main power moves you find are the plenty of fish in the sea reminding you there are a million candidates and the it's not me it's just our process.

In the past I bent over backwards trying to show that would you like fries with that sir attitude.  Now I realise it's the same as dating if you are too nice it goes against you.

Some little incidents along the way

Recruiters trying to push me to say if I have other interviews.  My responses to broken record "always great to talk to good people about good opportunities" recruiter always gets it and sometimes they laugh.

Recruiters trying to find out where else I am interviewing with innocent questions so they can steal those opportunities from the poor other agent.

They just about always start with a trap question.  How are you finding the market?

To which I always answer great how are you finding the market?

Then they normally come out from undercover and straight out ask.

Then I use the frame their request as unfair technique.

"Well to be fair to other agents I keep their opportunities confidential just as I keep anything you discuss with me confidential."

Recruiters and clients using that if you are the successful candidate put down to remind you that there's plenty of fish in the sea.  I now launch into why it is such a great job and they are such a great company and how it aligns with other opportunities I'm talking to people about.  And then add one last reason about why they are so wonderful.

It's a tiny technique I am calling the so wonderful sandwich.

The idiots who wanted me to do free consulting as part of the process - dealt with

The idiots who wanted to trouble my referees prior to interview - dealt with

End result was I got many interviews and second interviews and multiple job offers.

Of course don't have tickets on yourself it could just be a good market at the moment but we're heading into December which is when things normally slow down and there's rumblings of recession here so I don't think that's the case.

I am going back to the hell which is IT projects in the wealth industry but thanks to TPM and another years battle scars I am a shinier more scratch resistant stainless steel rat - bring it on.

 

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on November 26, 2022, 4:41 am

Rock on, Kevin!

Way to turn wisdom into real-life benefits.

Quote from Mats G on January 21, 2023, 12:46 am

Using Power Awareness to Improve a Friendship

I've been talking with one of my closest friends  about the possibility of moving in with him while we both go to University. We were both excited about the idea, but I always thought it would be further down the line. Last week he called me and asked if I could move into his place in February (about 2-3 weeks from when he called). This was quite sudden, but it was due to his roommates moving out and he needed someone else. I told him I would think about it, and then we discussed it a bit over the phone as well as in person.

When we talked over the phone I noticed him playing a small power move by listing his achievements and then saying that he "shouldn't brag" because he didn't want to "make me envious". He also said it "would be good if we could be happy for each others achievements". While I noted these power moves I didn't flag them because they were minor in my opinion.

A few days later we met up in person to discuss the possibility of me moving in. At this point I had thought it over quite a bit and realized moving wasn't right for me. Still we discussed it, but while we talked he played several more power moves that annoyed me. Again, I decided not to call them out.

Today I texted him that I wouldn't be moving in, and the following interaction occurred:

 

For the record, he explained afterwards why he was (rightfully) pissed off at my attempt at setting up a positive frame. But before he explained it I saw it as the last of several yellow level power moves. To call this out I decided to go meta:

After this he sent me several very long and very heartfelt messages where he both apologized and explained his position. I also apologized to him several times for the tough position I put him in. Now our friendship is stronger than ever.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on January 21, 2023, 3:52 am

Rock on, Mats!

And I'm quite impressed with your friend as well.
Most people receiving those texts would have recoiled and gone in full self and social defense.
Instead, he was able to step back, not take it too personally, open himself up back, and help mend things.

Quote from Ali Scarlett on January 28, 2023, 3:37 pm

Observed and avoided takers...used power awareness for better social navigation

From this post:

Quote from Ali Scarlett on October 26, 2022, 2:00 pm

Yesterday, I was invited to be a part of a big meeting.

My father, Al, the head of a professional cleaning company, wanted me to be present for a walkthrough tour of a university that we were bidding for alongside a few other competitors.

Since I'm the managing director of the company, it made sense and I wanted to be there for more than business reasons, but for my own personal growth as well (first time facing "business walkthrough tour dynamics" and getting to see how the others navigate as well).

When we arrived, we were prompted to sign in and wait for others who'd said they'd also be attending. So, during that waiting period, Al struck up a conversation with one of the other attendees.

Now, there was a four-person conversational circle comprised of a lady (we'll call her Patrice) who Al was talking to, me, and another man we'll call Kevin.

The first thing Al does when he strikes up a conversation with Patrice is introduce himself, saying, "Hi, I'm Al with (name of cleaning company), nice to meet you."

She responds with, "Hi, I'm Pamela, where is your business located?"

A fair question.

Not a personal fan of that approach though, I prefer to get to know people in a more personal sense first ("how are you today", "how was your drive up here", etc.) before getting into business talk (it sounded like she wanted to know what markets we're currently in to see if we're direct competitors). But, I can understand her being curious about her competition for a project this big.

After Al answered, I noticed she didn't seem too willing to volunteer where her business is located. But, that's not a huge red flag yet, more something to keep in mind if it starts to become a pattern of behavior that she takes opportunities to avoid reciprocating.

Her next question a minute later is, "How long have you guys been in business?"

I remain silent, observing what Al does. He answers honestly.

She says, "Oh, OK." Then simply stops there as if waiting for Al to continue the conversation.

So, not wanting my father to be disempowered (having given away personal business information and received nothing in return), I ask her, "And you?"

She says she's been in business for over 20 years.

Then, rather than transition to the more human topics now that her curiosity's been satisfied, she asks another personal business question: "How many employees do you guys have?"

I could tell my father was aware that this was crossing a boundary, but he decided to share anyway.

Again, she simply acknowledges his answer and says nothing.

So, again, I say, "How about you?"

Only then does she reciprocate with her number, saying, "Yeah, about the same as you...".

Now, I'm beginning to get a better picture of her situation. In the cleaning business, the number of staff hired can be an indicator of how much business that company has and, therefore, how well they're doing. So, if she's telling the truth that she has about the same number of employees as us, then that can mean that she's made about the same amount of progress in 20 years that's taken us less than five.

I notice her curiosity after discovering this information seemed to heighten when it comes to learning how we operate our business.

Al asks her a personal business question back though, asking her how she writes her bids for these types of projects.

She says she writes them herself. Al was a bit surprised she didn't have a bid writer and she was quick to inquire what a "bid writer" is (so, she's fine refusing to give any information unless directly asked, but quick to get information from others when possible, duly noted).

She says she didn't know she could hire someone to write bids for her and now she's going to have someone do it. Keep in mind, there's no "thanks for the tip", but it's early in the conversation and maybe writing bids isn't a big deal to her (some people like to do it because that way they can make sure it's getting done how they want it, so we're still in fairly yellow-ish territory, to me).

Kevin is standing a little outside the circle, as if unsure he can join, but trying to pass off his uncertainty as emotional detachment.

I noticed and wanted to make him feel more included, so I comment on his shirt, saying with a curious intonation, "Your shirt says brewing company." (A verbalized observation that came across as a covert question. I was wary of phrasing it as a question because of the risk of it coming across too dominantly, such as an accusatory "why" comment. But, looking back, I think it would've been better to simply soften it with a compliment beforehand, such as by saying, "I like your shirt, how come it says brewing company?" Lesson learned.)

He smiled and lit up a bit, explaining it was actually a Halloween shirt and showing an awesome horror design that was on the back.

We laughed and it created warmth between Kevin and I.

Al then asked Patrice how she found out about this bidding opportunity.

She said a contractor sent it to her. Here's what follows:

Al: "Oh, so you didn't get it through (name of bid program)?"

Patrice: "No, what is it?"

Al: "(Name of bid program), you get it through your email."

Patrice: "I haven't heard of it, what is it?"

Al: (looks at me) "He might know more about it than me because he's the director."

Ali: (avoids going straight into giving value to Patrice, who's shown taker signs so far, and looks at Kevin) "Do you know what (name of bid program) is [allows Kevin to explain it if he can and wants to]?"

Kevin: (said with an honest facial expression) "No."

Ali: (proceeds to explain, complying with Al's nonverbal request based on him looking over at me to answer the question)

Kevin: (gives proper credit) "Thank you, that's very helpful."

Patrice: (withholds credit by staying silent, refusing to say "thank you", and offers no value in return)

*Click the blockquote above to expand it.

It felt like this told me quite a bit about her, given that if she's truly only being informed about these bidding opportunities by a contractor when they happen, then she's missing out on the hundreds of bids that are available in the program that (a) the contractor might not know about, (b) the contractor might know about but isn't sending, and (c) are available for bidding early (which gives us as vendors an early foot in the door).

Of course, I did a fair amount of credit revealing when I gave the explanation, hence why Kevin gave credit.

But, Patrice refused. And, after that, Al stopped talking to her as well.

The tour guides announce they're ready to begin now. (They are also the ones who put in the request for cleaning companies to bid for this project, so these are the important decision-makers.)

They begin to introduce themselves and Al is the only one to respond to their introductions, saying, "Nice to meet you." And, they seem to appreciate it.

A really nice move, in my opinion, because the frame in the atmosphere beforehand seemed to be that this is a formal meeting/tour where the tour guides give announcements and instructions to the audience and the audience must simply follow quietly.

With Al's reframing though, I felt a new attitude begin to appear in the air that these tour guides are still people and it's OK to communicate back with them when it gives warmth.

Now, the tour begins.

The tour guide opens the first door and invites everyone to come in, but the group's response is very telling.

People move toward the door, but slowly, as if unsure who should be the first one to enter. It gave me the feeling that this is all their first time doing a business walkthrough tour for a university this big (which might not even be true, but their behavior felt like it was indicating that).

I seized the opportunity to act first, being the first one to walk through the door and leading the entire group.

It wasn't ideal. Ideally, my father would've been the first one through since he's technically my boss :).

But, he was showing the same hesitancy as the rest of the group. So, at the very least, this earns our company a point (whereas it might've been a small loss for him, it was a bigger win for the team).

Inside this room, which is a small theater, I continue off of Al's frame, commenting to one of the tour guides (who's the head of the school), "It's beautiful."

She smiled warmly saying "thank you".

This continued as no one seemed to find it OK to speak to the tour guides in a normal capacity, being very much business-focused (and maybe thinking that that was earning them points for being "serious businesspeople", whereas I feel they were losing out on relationship capital).

Then, something changed. It was time to move to the next floor and the director wanted to take the elevator, inviting anyone to join her.

One person joined her and seemed to build a small rapport with her on that ride. (As they exited the elevator together laughing, people seemed to realize that relationship is more important and many people joined her upon her next invite.)

I saw the opportunity too, but let it pass as a strategic choice to avoid overdoing the rapport-building attempts (which could've then come across as "sleazy/suspicious schmoozing" that could've lost me much of the work I'd done thus far).

I'm instead the first one on the stairs.

However, I also keep a balance with this leading behavior, sometimes falling back to be closer to Al as he took his time surveying the property as I allow others to go ahead and be first.

There were times when I was beside someone and we stood right in front of a door that we were both instructed to walk through. In those cases, I'd say, "Please," and gesture for them to go first, and they would.

It felt like a guiding behavior ("host role") power move, nonverbally indicating for them to go ahead while saying "please" as if to really say "please, you first".

But, it also felt warmer than the alternative, rushing to be first through the door in a tight squeeze (especially when I'd already led the group a few times, more than rude, it could've caused me to come across as power-hungry).

On a final note, Kevin showed some "nice guy" signs sometimes. For example, at one point, he was left behind by the group because he was continuing to hold the door for someone he didn't know wasn't even on their way yet (it was Al, who was still surveying the last shown area).

I took the door, said, "I got it," and Al having heard me and now being on his way, gave him the door as I walked in (I was constantly careful not to pull that host role move of inviting others to go through the door first).

All in all, it felt good being able to assess the taker(s), focus on what I can control (my own behavior), and use my power awareness to pull people up, rebalance social accounts at times, and stand out.

I even noticed that when shaking hands with one of the tour guides, I naturally looked them in their eyes, effortlessly avoiding looking down at our hands (which is a submissive move I used to do often).

I've come a long way.

Quote from Ali Scarlett on January 28, 2023, 3:43 pm

Got out of my first traffic ticket using the TPM approach

From this post:

Quote from Ali Scarlett on November 30, 2022, 3:51 pm

In this thread, Lucio recommended his "how to avoid traffic tickets" article.

I read it when I got the chance and, as always, it all sounded like solid, science-backed advice.

Little did I know, I'd be using that advice sooner than expected :).

It started when I found myself driving the wrong way down a one-way street (which is an infraction).

I didn't see a Do Not Enter sign, but the cars all facing the opposite direction and the narrow room to get past another car that was headed in my direction (on the one-way road) were pretty telling.

As I reached the end of the one-way, I see another car in front of me that's also headed in my direction who I'll now have to squeeze past (someone who was also going the right way).

Unfortunately, that car turned out to be a cop car.

They slow down, turning on their lights (signaling me to stop), and we both come to a halt right beside each other, both our windows rolled down—them facing the right way and me still facing the wrong direction, not having gotten the chance to leave in time.

Me: Hi (holds both hands up to say "hi", showing both hands)

Them: Hey, did you make a wrong turn? Are you U turning or... (gives me the benefit of the doubt, already off to a good start)

Me: I don't know what you mean (plays dumb anyway just to be safe).

Them: This is a one-way.

Me: This is a one-way? (starts setting the stage for them to teach me)

Them: Yes, that's why all the cars are facing one way and you could barely squeeze past that car (looks like they're unsure if they can trust me yet).

Me: (gives honest reason) Oh, I didn't see a Do Not Enter sign, I didn't know.

Them: Yeah, that's why all the cars are facing the wrong way (really they were facing the right way, *I* was the one in the wrong, so they're taking a teacher role now, telling me what to look out for from my perspective)

Me: My bad (shows deference to let them teach me + show respect for their authority). So, can I turn left here? (asks for help)

Them: Yeah, you can turn left here.

Me: OK, thank you [leaves].

*Click the blockquote above to expand it.

Since I just got a new (used) car, I have it as a new addition to my auto insurance policy.

And, because of the details of that policy, getting this ticket would've shot up my monthly payment by a lot.

So, big thank you to Lucio and TPM for this one :).

Quote from Transitioned on February 11, 2023, 11:50 pm

I keep posting here coz I assume @aliscarlett is keeping these in his back pocket for WIIFMs on the TPM site.    I'm thinking some kind of content rotator but you know far better than me. @aliscarlett is that the case?

My annoying pimp agency stole some of my daily rate on the latest contract.  Client said one rate at interview, it was less when the contract arrived. All verbals and market is down so I had to suck it up.  Of course I have given them the proper reward for their disrespect - stayed in the market and will quit with minimal notice if I can get my rate up again on a different job.

And they've stuffed up my contract - had to sign it 3 times.  So on the third time I ignored their emails.  Pimp rings me saying oh you would have seen us reach out.   I really don't want to do their admin work unpaid and am tired of their 'contractors are powerless slaves' frame.   So I said 'no - oh maybe you sent it to the webmail - don't read that too much spam'

Pimp tries to push me into prioritising their 'important' emails.  "Oh do you have a better email address"   So I frame buffet:

I assume if something is important people will ring me.   Subtext - I won't accept your tasking unless you make some effort.

Pimp 'gets it' bids to vibe - makes some chat about how much paperwork, spam, blah blah

I then bring up them stealing off my rate and said I was surprised about the 'miss-communication' Hays used to be a well oiled machine.

So post conversation, I look at the contract - now they've reduced my rate again by $10 a day.  Not normally worth my time but by now its a frame battle.  So I email back a two liner asking them to fix the "typo" on round 3 of this process.  Tell them its a small thing and I'm sure we can all agree that contracts have to be correct. These people are process people they always want to be 'correct'.  Now I've set the frame 'things need to be correct' so if they push back they'll get a one liner 'I would love to help, unfortunately its not correct so I can't sign'   Not 'wont' - 'can't'  😉

This ones still in play so if anyone's got any suggestions for improvement love to hear.