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What I'm Doing, (Maybe Where :) ) & Why

#171 · June 3, 2022, 10:38 pm

My condolences Ali.

I hope being around family and a different environment makes you happy.

Lucio Buffalmano and Ali Scarlett have reacted to this post.

#172 · June 7, 2022, 9:10 pm

My condolences, Ali.

I hope your trip helped you to reconnect with your family and your roots.

Ali Scarlett has reacted to this post.

#173 · June 27, 2022, 9:32 pm

Quote from Ali Scarlett on June 27, 2022, 9:32 pm
Thank you for your condolences and kind messages, everyone.
Moving on to brighter topics:
The Social Strategist Is Almost Complete!
At long last :).
This book is having a positive effect on the few people who've seen it.
I haven't shared this with anyone yet, but the editors who've read the book seem to be very enthusiastic about it, its content, and the concept of power dynamics.
This is one of the latest messages I received from the last editor:
*Would've preferred if she said "you guys' book" rather than "your" because it's mostly Lucio's wisdom, but still happy to receive such positive feedback.
She even went so far as to say "thank you so much for this opportunity" as if she's become a part of an upwards journey toward great things (which, with the impact TSS has the potential to make, I'd say she has :).
Collaborative Frames Learning Opportunity
By the way, on the note of collaborative frames, I sent her payment directly from my bank (an option she hadn't listed) because I didn't have any of the other options that would be fee-free for her (and this direct bank payment was).
But, after three days of the funds going unclaimed and no word from her, I opted to go for the one other easy option I had: PayPal.
So, she sent me this:
And, you know what I did? I covered the fee myself.
It wasn't a big deal and it had the potential to show I'm a value-giving person as well as further solidify her commitment to supporting TSS upon launch time.
In response, she took care of the edits the same day and said this:
Editors I've worked with in the past don't say "let me know if you need anything else" on the last round because they don't want to leave the door open for the client to put more work on their plate in their already-packed schedule.
So, this could be a stock customer-service phrase, but it's also possible (and maybe likely) that it's an actual openness to continue working on TSS if any further edits were needed.
And, it seems that now we have a positive, growing relationship with a great professional for future books.
Next Steps
Working on something I've never done before: an audiobook.
I have access to the relationships I built when I wrote my first book, many of whom are bestselling authors themselves with top-notch audiobooks. So, I have the means to do it and do it well.
Even so, this is still new for me, so I'm looking forward to learning from the whole experience and giving the best that I can do (which I'll make sure is pretty great).
P.S.:
On a side note, also thinking about making time to give some marketing feedback since TPM is currently developing its new sales page, so it could be a good time.

Thank you for your condolences and kind messages, everyone.

Moving on to brighter topics:

The Social Strategist Is Almost Complete!

At long last :).

This book is having a positive effect on the few people who've seen it.

I haven't shared this with anyone yet, but the editors who've read the book seem to be very enthusiastic about it, its content, and the concept of power dynamics.

This is one of the latest messages I received from the last editor:

*Would've preferred if she said "you guys' book" rather than "your" because it's mostly Lucio's wisdom, but still happy to receive such positive feedback.

She even went so far as to say "thank you so much for this opportunity" as if she's become a part of an upwards journey toward great things (which, with the impact TSS has the potential to make, I'd say she has :).

Collaborative Frames Learning Opportunity

By the way, on the note of collaborative frames, I sent her payment directly from my bank (an option she hadn't listed) because I didn't have any of the other options that would be fee-free for her (and this direct bank payment was).

But, after three days of the funds going unclaimed and no word from her, I opted to go for the one other easy option I had: PayPal.

So, she sent me this:

And, you know what I did? I covered the fee myself.

It wasn't a big deal and it had the potential to show I'm a value-giving person as well as further solidify her commitment to supporting TSS upon launch time.

In response, she took care of the edits the same day and said this:

Editors I've worked with in the past don't say "let me know if you need anything else" on the last round because they don't want to leave the door open for the client to put more work on their plate in their already-packed schedule.

So, this could be a stock customer-service phrase, but it's also possible (and maybe likely) that it's an actual openness to continue working on TSS if any further edits were needed.

And, it seems that now we have a positive, growing relationship with a great professional for future books.

Next Steps

Working on something I've never done before: an audiobook.

I have access to the relationships I built when I wrote my first book, many of whom are bestselling authors themselves with top-notch audiobooks. So, I have the means to do it and do it well.

Even so, this is still new for me, so I'm looking forward to learning from the whole experience and giving the best that I can do (which I'll make sure is pretty great).

P.S.:

On a side note, also thinking about making time to give some marketing feedback since TPM is currently developing its new sales page, so it could be a good time.

Lucio Buffalmano, Mats G and B have reacted to this post.

#174 · June 28, 2022, 3:25 am

BOOM!

Great going, Ali!

I also liked your idea of using bank transfer to avoid the fees, I do the same as well (and you can fair-market it by saying "I'll go for bank transfer so we can avoid the fees", without necessarily saying "so you can avoid the fee" which may sound too gamey and social sclaping, as if to sub-communicate "please note down that I am doing you a favor", but they'll know that you thought about their fees).

P.S.: Avoiding Paypal fees

For PayPal, there's an option to send money as "friends", and that eliminates the fee (that removes the possibility to dispute the payment, but if you don't need that option, it's good to know for next time).

Ali Scarlett, B and leaderoffun have reacted to this post.

Community, new content and Confidence University now available here.

#175 · October 20, 2022, 10:27 pm

Quote from Ali Scarlett on October 20, 2022, 10:27 pm
Ending lower power, but still gaining respect: you need not to "win" (or be perfect) to do well
Yesterday, I read one of Lucio's recent journal entries.
I've always been a fan of the stories and learnings in Lucio's journal (they're always a treat to read :).
So, when an opportunity presented itself not too long after reading his post to practice power dynamics, inspired by Lucio's post, I took it.
It started when I had a meeting scheduled with someone for 5pm on Lunchclub (a networking platform Matthew recommended to me last year that I'm still enjoying). I showed up on time, and he didn't.
My usual approach is to wait until 5:02pm before sending a message that says something like, "Hi B, our meeting's started, are you on your way?"
When I went to the chat though, I noticed he'd already sent me a message at 4:30pm that said:
B: Hi Ali
Typically, one wants to send an early message to confirm the meeting, so that wasn't a bad idea.
The issue I had was the execution. Better, might've been to say, "Hi Ali, looking forward to our meeting."
Only saying, "Hi Ali," felt a bit off. It gave me some vibes that he might feel entitled to me investing more in the interaction to confirm the meeting. (Even a simple, "Hi Ali, speak soon," would've felt a bit smoother to me.)
So, I send him the message asking if he's going to show and at 5:05pm he says:
Him: Yes. I'm on the call
I noticed his message a couple of minutes late (5:07pm now) because I'd decided to prioritize something else and he didn't apologize for his lateness when he did finally reach out, so usually I'd simply refuse to show and move on with other important things.
But, having read Lucio's post less than an hour earlier, I wanted to test my ability to rebalance things and implement the example Lucio set in his case study.
So, I joined the call. And, he was there.
He turned on his video and started talking immediately which re-empowered me a bit (not making me wait any further). However, it quickly turned into him controlling the speaking time.
He started with an introduction that was a bit too drawn out, only pausing to ask where I'm currently located. Caught off guard by the fact he still hadn't apologize for the earlier power move, I answered.
But, I'd made sure to be more on the cold and distant side when the meeting started and only answered his question with four words, purposely keeping it short to invest less in the interaction.
He then continued as if oblivious to my attitude and short communication and, again, took up much of the speaking time by transitioning straight from talk about location to what he's read about me in my profile bio.
He then said something along the lines of,
Him: "So, you seem like a Zen master of networking, tell me about yourself."
To avoid following his order, I said:
Me: "Well, before I answer that, it's great to meet you too (I hadn't even gotten the chance to return his "nice to meet you" because he'd been talking so long), I was worried something had happened to you (calls him out on the power move)."
Now, by this point, the "assertive call-out" could've easily gone over his head because he'd been talking so long, the conversation feels far away from the beginning of the meeting now where that line might've made more sense.
Also, there's the "something had happened to you" as opposed to "I was thinking something happened" or "I was getting worried everything was OK". The personal relevancy of saying "you" might've made him think the message was more about his own personal well-being and less about the situation.
So, he said:
Him: "No, I'm good."
Ali: (waits while maintaining eye contact to see if he picks up on the real message)
Him: (stares back somewhat blank faced)
Ali: "That's good...."
I felt a little upset I hadn't gotten that apology, but I also wasn't too pressed about it because (a) I knew it was partially my fault/poor communication, (b) I had reminded myself going in that ignoring is a valid option (and lifestyle mindset) and (c) I wasn't planning to show up in the first place anyway, so I had already chosen to view this whole interaction as one big experiment (i.e. if not getting an apology here is a failure, then it's OK because failure is more than allowed in this case).
Maintaining my cold attitude, I continued the conversation:
Ali: "That's good...I don't really think of Zen and meditation when I think of networking, albeit when you don't want to network sleazily, you don't want to be pushy and in someone's face, so I suppose I can see the overlap."
This is a bit higher in social effort, but I wanted to make sure I gave him enough to work with to keep the conversation going a while so I wouldn't have to invest as much after this response.
And, I was (somewhat) right.
He begins sharing how he thought of the analogy because he spent a good deal of time studying different martial arts, some of his thoughts on networking, and then goes on to order me some more (e.g. tell me how you got into networking, etc.).
Then, he switches, asking me:
Him: So, what are two powerful secrets you find a lot of people miss when it comes to networking?
I'm wary of the fact he's asking me questions now (which, the dominant person asks the questions and the submissive one answers, so I want to be careful of that dynamic taking hold).
Still, I answer:
Me: "Well, of course, I can't speak for everyone. What I find most of my clients struggle with most often though is keeping in touch after the initial meeting...the second thing is often simply the case of not knowing what you don't know. They don't know the theory such as the social exchange theory or the stereotype content model and they don't know how to take the theory and apply it practically to their networking."
When I got into the theory aspect he began taking notes.
He re-empowers me a bit saying he thinks he has room to improve in networking and "maybe I can teach him a few things" (which invites me to take a teacher role), but then he uses that to start leeching.
It starts off with a simple question of "What is the stereotype content model?"
I explain (from a position of domain authority which is rebalancing things a bit further, but it's not long before this starts to become a sucker's trade).
He asks how one can signal to others that they're powerful.
I say using "dominance triggers" (sometimes I like to give "fancy" answers to questions even when they may be less accurate because it inspires more curiosity and positions me as more of an expert in some cases).
He asks what are some dominance triggers.
What ensues only increases my annoyance with this person:
Me: For example, verbal communication and behavior (gives the two main umbrella forms that dominance presents itself in: the verbal and the nonverbal).
Him: (stares, saying nothing, with a facial expression that says he expects more)
Me: (stares back, holding the frame that I've said enough and it's his job to ask more questions if he wants more information)
Him: (continues staring anyway while still saying nothing—it's beginning to feel like a mini domination showdown now)
Me: (still saying nothing, moves head slightly as if to say, "Yes? Do you have something you want to say?")
Him: (mimics my head movement in a more exaggerated manner with a smile as if to say, "What? Say something,"—still holding his frame that I should be the one to break the silence and continue answering his previous question with more details)
Me: What is it?
Him: I'm listening (said as if really saying, "I'm waiting for you to continue.").
Me: So, did you want the whole list [of "dominance triggers"] or something (frames him as behaving entitled to more than what I've already given—and especially since we'd just gotten done talking about how I teach this in my books—he's behaving entitled to value others have already paid for)?
Him: (starts backtracking) No, no...(now follows my frame) (continues the conversation)
Being the first one to speak, I lose the domination showdown early on.
But, the damage is minimized by (a) making it clear with my attitude that I'm choosing to speak first, not breaking under the social pressure of the silence (b) him smiling whereas I don't and (c) him following my frame that he was acting entitled.
Now, maybe he wasn't behaving entitled at all, but that frame seemed useful to win what felt like a crucial domination showdown (first meetings are fragile first impressions), especially given that just staring back at him would become time-wasting, counter-productive, and annoying for me personally.
The right thing to do afterwards would've been to build him back up right away. But, I found myself annoyed still by the fact that he'd instigated that showdown at all, so I decided to simply keep answering his questions (which did give him some power back) while maintaining my cold demeanor.
Of course, we began to turn the Q&A into more of an exchange of ideas (which is more win-win), some of which was interesting to hear. (For example, he proposed the idea that one should always let others have the power in the interaction because, as a black man in America, doors didn't open for him when he showed more dominance or competency than his white counterparts early on in his career back in the 1900s.
And, he believes that asking as many questions as possible leads others to feel more powerful in the "teacher role" and gives him growth if their insights are valuable as well as true power if it leads to career/business opportunities. Still, I warned him of the exceptions to the rule, such as others not viewing him as having value to give if they view him as "too low-power" and making sure to give value back to avoid coming across as a leech.)
Finally, when the meeting began to draw to a close he said this (paraphrasing from what I remember):
Him: "Well, it was great meeting you and if there's any support I can give that would help you advance in your career, your business, let me know because if there's any way we can collaborate, I'm open to it. I know that anything you do you'll be successful at it. I can tell you're serious about your business. You don't fuck around."
He interpreted my coldness as a seriousness about my business most likely because I increased my warmth as the interaction progressed. (I only wanted to be cold initially to sub-communicate disapproval of his "making you wait" power move. So, being detached, I increased the friendly signals later on in the interaction to avoid overdoing the coldness and move toward rapport-building vibes and territory.)
After he said that, I extended the same back.
In response, he mentioned that there actually was a way I might be able to help him because he's looking for film curators.
So, I asked if he was cool with me checking out the market really quickly with him and he agreed.
I shared my screen and in a matter of minutes showed him hundreds of film curators as well as how he could go about contacting them.
He told me that was helpful, he'd never thought to look there, and he'd be reaching out to the main film curator I showed him today (good move: giving fair credit).
But, then he tried to give value back with credit presupposing, insisting that I should now publish my books in different languages to make more sales (even though I already told him that that's not my goal right now and not how that works).
All of that said, in the end, I think he got a lot more value from me than I did from him (a win-lose, sucker's trade that I especially supported with my final move of giving him a networking strategy to grow his business—completely free of charge).
But, I demonstrated that I'm no push-over and, in the end, got his respect if nothing else (which is good for the future if he ever reaches out again).
If anyone has any feedback on this case study, happy to read.

Ending lower power, but still gaining respect: you need not to "win" (or be perfect) to do well

Yesterday, I read one of Lucio's recent journal entries.

I've always been a fan of the stories and learnings in Lucio's journal (they're always a treat to read :).

So, when an opportunity presented itself not too long after reading his post to practice power dynamics, inspired by Lucio's post, I took it.

It started when I had a meeting scheduled with someone for 5pm on Lunchclub (a networking platform Matthew recommended to me last year that I'm still enjoying). I showed up on time, and he didn't.

My usual approach is to wait until 5:02pm before sending a message that says something like, "Hi B, our meeting's started, are you on your way?"

When I went to the chat though, I noticed he'd already sent me a message at 4:30pm that said:

B: Hi Ali

Typically, one wants to send an early message to confirm the meeting, so that wasn't a bad idea.

The issue I had was the execution. Better, might've been to say, "Hi Ali, looking forward to our meeting."

Only saying, "Hi Ali," felt a bit off. It gave me some vibes that he might feel entitled to me investing more in the interaction to confirm the meeting. (Even a simple, "Hi Ali, speak soon," would've felt a bit smoother to me.)

So, I send him the message asking if he's going to show and at 5:05pm he says:

Him: Yes. I'm on the call

I noticed his message a couple of minutes late (5:07pm now) because I'd decided to prioritize something else and he didn't apologize for his lateness when he did finally reach out, so usually I'd simply refuse to show and move on with other important things.

But, having read Lucio's post less than an hour earlier, I wanted to test my ability to rebalance things and implement the example Lucio set in his case study.

So, I joined the call. And, he was there.

He turned on his video and started talking immediately which re-empowered me a bit (not making me wait any further). However, it quickly turned into him controlling the speaking time.

He started with an introduction that was a bit too drawn out, only pausing to ask where I'm currently located. Caught off guard by the fact he still hadn't apologize for the earlier power move, I answered.

But, I'd made sure to be more on the cold and distant side when the meeting started and only answered his question with four words, purposely keeping it short to invest less in the interaction.

He then continued as if oblivious to my attitude and short communication and, again, took up much of the speaking time by transitioning straight from talk about location to what he's read about me in my profile bio.

He then said something along the lines of,

Him: "So, you seem like a Zen master of networking, tell me about yourself."

To avoid following his order, I said:

Me: "Well, before I answer that, it's great to meet you too (I hadn't even gotten the chance to return his "nice to meet you" because he'd been talking so long), I was worried something had happened to you (calls him out on the power move)."

Now, by this point, the "assertive call-out" could've easily gone over his head because he'd been talking so long, the conversation feels far away from the beginning of the meeting now where that line might've made more sense.

Also, there's the "something had happened to you" as opposed to "I was thinking something happened" or "I was getting worried everything was OK". The personal relevancy of saying "you" might've made him think the message was more about his own personal well-being and less about the situation.

So, he said:

Him: "No, I'm good."
Ali: (waits while maintaining eye contact to see if he picks up on the real message)
Him: (stares back somewhat blank faced)
Ali: "That's good...."

I felt a little upset I hadn't gotten that apology, but I also wasn't too pressed about it because (a) I knew it was partially my fault/poor communication, (b) I had reminded myself going in that ignoring is a valid option (and lifestyle mindset) and (c) I wasn't planning to show up in the first place anyway, so I had already chosen to view this whole interaction as one big experiment (i.e. if not getting an apology here is a failure, then it's OK because failure is more than allowed in this case).

Maintaining my cold attitude, I continued the conversation:

Ali: "That's good...I don't really think of Zen and meditation when I think of networking, albeit when you don't want to network sleazily, you don't want to be pushy and in someone's face, so I suppose I can see the overlap."

This is a bit higher in social effort, but I wanted to make sure I gave him enough to work with to keep the conversation going a while so I wouldn't have to invest as much after this response.

And, I was (somewhat) right.

He begins sharing how he thought of the analogy because he spent a good deal of time studying different martial arts, some of his thoughts on networking, and then goes on to order me some more (e.g. tell me how you got into networking, etc.).

Then, he switches, asking me:

Him: So, what are two powerful secrets you find a lot of people miss when it comes to networking?

I'm wary of the fact he's asking me questions now (which, the dominant person asks the questions and the submissive one answers, so I want to be careful of that dynamic taking hold).

Still, I answer:

Me: "Well, of course, I can't speak for everyone. What I find most of my clients struggle with most often though is keeping in touch after the initial meeting...the second thing is often simply the case of not knowing what you don't know. They don't know the theory such as the social exchange theory or the stereotype content model and they don't know how to take the theory and apply it practically to their networking."

When I got into the theory aspect he began taking notes.

He re-empowers me a bit saying he thinks he has room to improve in networking and "maybe I can teach him a few things" (which invites me to take a teacher role), but then he uses that to start leeching.

It starts off with a simple question of "What is the stereotype content model?"

I explain (from a position of domain authority which is rebalancing things a bit further, but it's not long before this starts to become a sucker's trade).

He asks how one can signal to others that they're powerful.

I say using "dominance triggers" (sometimes I like to give "fancy" answers to questions even when they may be less accurate because it inspires more curiosity and positions me as more of an expert in some cases).

He asks what are some dominance triggers.

What ensues only increases my annoyance with this person:

Me: For example, verbal communication and behavior (gives the two main umbrella forms that dominance presents itself in: the verbal and the nonverbal).
Him: (stares, saying nothing, with a facial expression that says he expects more)
Me: (stares back, holding the frame that I've said enough and it's his job to ask more questions if he wants more information)
Him: (continues staring anyway while still saying nothing—it's beginning to feel like a mini domination showdown now)
Me: (still saying nothing, moves head slightly as if to say, "Yes? Do you have something you want to say?")
Him: (mimics my head movement in a more exaggerated manner with a smile as if to say, "What? Say something,"—still holding his frame that I should be the one to break the silence and continue answering his previous question with more details)
Me: What is it?
Him: I'm listening (said as if really saying, "I'm waiting for you to continue.").
Me: So, did you want the whole list [of "dominance triggers"] or something (frames him as behaving entitled to more than what I've already given—and especially since we'd just gotten done talking about how I teach this in my books—he's behaving entitled to value others have already paid for)?
Him: (starts backtracking) No, no...(now follows my frame) (continues the conversation)

Being the first one to speak, I lose the domination showdown early on.

But, the damage is minimized by (a) making it clear with my attitude that I'm choosing to speak first, not breaking under the social pressure of the silence (b) him smiling whereas I don't and (c) him following my frame that he was acting entitled.

Now, maybe he wasn't behaving entitled at all, but that frame seemed useful to win what felt like a crucial domination showdown (first meetings are fragile first impressions), especially given that just staring back at him would become time-wasting, counter-productive, and annoying for me personally.

The right thing to do afterwards would've been to build him back up right away. But, I found myself annoyed still by the fact that he'd instigated that showdown at all, so I decided to simply keep answering his questions (which did give him some power back) while maintaining my cold demeanor.

Of course, we began to turn the Q&A into more of an exchange of ideas (which is more win-win), some of which was interesting to hear. (For example, he proposed the idea that one should always let others have the power in the interaction because, as a black man in America, doors didn't open for him when he showed more dominance or competency than his white counterparts early on in his career back in the 1900s.
And, he believes that asking as many questions as possible leads others to feel more powerful in the "teacher role" and gives him growth if their insights are valuable as well as true power if it leads to career/business opportunities. Still, I warned him of the exceptions to the rule, such as others not viewing him as having value to give if they view him as "too low-power" and making sure to give value back to avoid coming across as a leech.)

Finally, when the meeting began to draw to a close he said this (paraphrasing from what I remember):

Him: "Well, it was great meeting you and if there's any support I can give that would help you advance in your career, your business, let me know because if there's any way we can collaborate, I'm open to it. I know that anything you do you'll be successful at it. I can tell you're serious about your business. You don't fuck around."

He interpreted my coldness as a seriousness about my business most likely because I increased my warmth as the interaction progressed. (I only wanted to be cold initially to sub-communicate disapproval of his "making you wait" power move. So, being detached, I increased the friendly signals later on in the interaction to avoid overdoing the coldness and move toward rapport-building vibes and territory.)

After he said that, I extended the same back.

In response, he mentioned that there actually was a way I might be able to help him because he's looking for film curators.

So, I asked if he was cool with me checking out the market really quickly with him and he agreed.

I shared my screen and in a matter of minutes showed him hundreds of film curators as well as how he could go about contacting them.

He told me that was helpful, he'd never thought to look there, and he'd be reaching out to the main film curator I showed him today (good move: giving fair credit).

But, then he tried to give value back with credit presupposing, insisting that I should now publish my books in different languages to make more sales (even though I already told him that that's not my goal right now and not how that works).

All of that said, in the end, I think he got a lot more value from me than I did from him (a win-lose, sucker's trade that I especially supported with my final move of giving him a networking strategy to grow his business—completely free of charge).

But, I demonstrated that I'm no push-over and, in the end, got his respect if nothing else (which is good for the future if he ever reaches out again).

If anyone has any feedback on this case study, happy to read.

Lucio Buffalmano, Transitioned and 2 other users have reacted to this post.

#176 · October 21, 2022, 4:12 am

Yeah, great read in recognizing the "disempowering moments" and that you had to come back from those -that's half the battle, really-.

Also great that you didn't give a list of "power cues", a way of showing that you were keeping some of the valuable stuff in the bag.
May be one idea there could be to tell him something specific about him, something he could change in his demeanour or appearance, so it feels more personal, more like you could be a personal coach that gives him practical feedback highly relevant to him.

IF you wanted him as a client, maybe one thing you could have refrained from was to show him to contact them and tell him instead "there are ways to... ", and then see if he'd pay you.

Ali Scarlett, Transitioned and B have reacted to this post.

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#177 · October 26, 2022, 3:51 am

Quote from Ali Scarlett on October 26, 2022, 3:51 am
Thank you, Lucio!
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on October 21, 2022, 4:12 am
May be one idea there could be to tell him something specific about him, something he could change in his demeanour or appearance, so it feels more personal, more like you could be a personal coach that gives him practical feedback highly relevant to him.
Yeah, I thought about that a couple of times, once when he crossed his arms as he seemed to be slipping into a more competitive frame (which I noticed and began to strategically show more warmth at that moment).
That would've been an easy time to make the point that while closed body language is often dominant, it may not always be a good idea because high-quality people tend to adopt more open body language.
However, he seemed to have an attitude throughout the whole meeting of, "I'm older than you, therefore, you owe me respect." It made me wary of possibly rubbing him the wrong way by giving him unrequested feedback (or any feedback, for that matter) until he showed a truly open mind and growth attitude.
As a side note, something else he did was start sharing his ideas as if they were facts (the "this is how it is" format) while watching me to see if I'd nod my head in agreement.
While I nodded my head sometimes as a confirming attention signal, I refrained sometimes and instead maintained solid (yet neutral) eye contact to let him know he still had my attention because I didn't want to come across as agreeing with things I felt weren't entirely accurate.
So, sometimes when he shared an idea (framed as a fact) and I didn't nod, he'd stop and wait, staring at me as if to say, "You can nod now." And, I'd say, "I'm listening," reframing his request for agreement as a request for a sign he still has my attention.
Annoying behavior to have to deal with (even for the sake of a mere experiment) which leads me to my next point: I wouldn't have wanted to work with him.
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on October 21, 2022, 4:12 am
IF you wanted him as a client, maybe one thing you could have refrained from was to show him to contact them and tell him instead "there are ways to... ", and then see if he'd pay you.
Sometimes, I go for that "there are ways to contact them" approach.
I've also noticed though that some seem skeptical when I take that approach, so for those who seem to be more on the less trusting side, I give more value by showing them the way (not in a disempowering amount of detail though), then say that there are scripts they can use to get the highest chance of a positive response.
Then, see if they'll pay for the scripts, which comes with coaching.
In this case, I showed him how, then didn't even bother with the rest because I prefer to work with higher-quality people.

Thank you, Lucio!

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on October 21, 2022, 4:12 am
May be one idea there could be to tell him something specific about him, something he could change in his demeanour or appearance, so it feels more personal, more like you could be a personal coach that gives him practical feedback highly relevant to him.

Yeah, I thought about that a couple of times, once when he crossed his arms as he seemed to be slipping into a more competitive frame (which I noticed and began to strategically show more warmth at that moment).

That would've been an easy time to make the point that while closed body language is often dominant, it may not always be a good idea because high-quality people tend to adopt more open body language.

However, he seemed to have an attitude throughout the whole meeting of, "I'm older than you, therefore, you owe me respect." It made me wary of possibly rubbing him the wrong way by giving him unrequested feedback (or any feedback, for that matter) until he showed a truly open mind and growth attitude.

As a side note, something else he did was start sharing his ideas as if they were facts (the "this is how it is" format) while watching me to see if I'd nod my head in agreement.

While I nodded my head sometimes as a confirming attention signal, I refrained sometimes and instead maintained solid (yet neutral) eye contact to let him know he still had my attention because I didn't want to come across as agreeing with things I felt weren't entirely accurate.

So, sometimes when he shared an idea (framed as a fact) and I didn't nod, he'd stop and wait, staring at me as if to say, "You can nod now." And, I'd say, "I'm listening," reframing his request for agreement as a request for a sign he still has my attention.

Annoying behavior to have to deal with (even for the sake of a mere experiment) which leads me to my next point: I wouldn't have wanted to work with him.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on October 21, 2022, 4:12 am
IF you wanted him as a client, maybe one thing you could have refrained from was to show him to contact them and tell him instead "there are ways to... ", and then see if he'd pay you.

Sometimes, I go for that "there are ways to contact them" approach.

I've also noticed though that some seem skeptical when I take that approach, so for those who seem to be more on the less trusting side, I give more value by showing them the way (not in a disempowering amount of detail though), then say that there are scripts they can use to get the highest chance of a positive response.

Then, see if they'll pay for the scripts, which comes with coaching.

In this case, I showed him how, then didn't even bother with the rest because I prefer to work with higher-quality people.

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.

#178 · October 26, 2022, 5:47 am

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on October 26, 2022, 5:47 am
Perfect Ali, seems ilke all your background thinking and analyzing was in the right place.
Including this one:
Quote from Ali Scarlett on October 26, 2022, 3:51 am
Yeah, I thought about that a couple of times, once when he crossed his arms as he seemed to be slipping into a more competitive frame (which I noticed and began to strategically show more warmth at that moment).
That would've been an easy time to make the point that while closed body language is often dominant, it may not always be a good idea because high-quality people tend to adopt more open body language.
However, he seemed to have an attitude throughout the whole meeting of, "I'm older than you, therefore, you owe me respect." It made me wary of possibly rubbing him the wrong way by giving him unrequested feedback (or any feedback, for that matter) until he showed a truly open mind and growth attitude.
Perfect valid reason to refrain from that and, I think, a great idea not.
However, you'd still lose a great opportunity to provide that big personal value spike, that "wow moment" that can change things in a matter of seconds.
So one possible way of combining both can be to give him a personal pointer on what he's doing well.
And then, ideally, to add WHY it works, which self-frames you as a true expert, and how he may do even better, or how to adapt (ie.: if he sounds very high-power, you can say he can tone it down with a client who prefers to be the top dog in the room, etc.).
In this old article on how to win a Tomastmars speech contest, I was referring to evaluations and always placing either 1st or 2nd in all contests I had done.
I wasn't the best orator though. My main -and probably only, really- "secret weapon" was exactly that: to give precise pointers of what people did, why it was good and worked, and how they could do it even better (same for feedback for improvement, but inverted).
Those precise pointers on "what, why, how (to do better)" give people that "wow moment" and self-frame you as a high-power expert worth listening to (and paying for).

Perfect Ali, seems ilke all your background thinking and analyzing was in the right place.

Including this one:

Quote from Ali Scarlett on October 26, 2022, 3:51 am
Yeah, I thought about that a couple of times, once when he crossed his arms as he seemed to be slipping into a more competitive frame (which I noticed and began to strategically show more warmth at that moment).
That would've been an easy time to make the point that while closed body language is often dominant, it may not always be a good idea because high-quality people tend to adopt more open body language.
However, he seemed to have an attitude throughout the whole meeting of, "I'm older than you, therefore, you owe me respect." It made me wary of possibly rubbing him the wrong way by giving him unrequested feedback (or any feedback, for that matter) until he showed a truly open mind and growth attitude.

Perfect valid reason to refrain from that and, I think, a great idea not.

However, you'd still lose a great opportunity to provide that big personal value spike, that "wow moment" that can change things in a matter of seconds.

So one possible way of combining both can be to give him a personal pointer on what he's doing well.
And then, ideally, to add WHY it works, which self-frames you as a true expert, and how he may do even better, or how to adapt (ie.: if he sounds very high-power, you can say he can tone it down with a client who prefers to be the top dog in the room, etc.).

In this old article on how to win a Tomastmars speech contest, I was referring to evaluations and always placing either 1st or 2nd in all contests I had done.
I wasn't the best orator though. My main -and probably only, really- "secret weapon" was exactly that: to give precise pointers of what people did, why it was good and worked, and how they could do it even better (same for feedback for improvement, but inverted).

Those precise pointers on "what, why, how (to do better)" give people that "wow moment" and self-frame you as a high-power expert worth listening to (and paying for).

Ali Scarlett has reacted to this post.

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#179 · October 26, 2022, 2:00 pm

Quote from Ali Scarlett on October 26, 2022, 2:00 pm
Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on October 26, 2022, 5:47 am
(...)
So one possible way of combining both can be to give him a personal pointer on what he's doing well.
(...)
Thank you, Lucio!
Hadn't even thought of that, will definitely give that a shot next time around :).
Observe and avoid the takers...use power awareness for better social navigation
Yesterday, I was invited to be a part of a big meeting.
My father, Al, the head of a professional cleaning company, wanted me to be present for a walkthrough tour of a university that we were bidding for alongside a few other competitors.
Since I'm the managing director of the company, it made sense and I wanted to be there for more than business reasons, but for my own personal growth as well (first time facing "business walkthrough tour dynamics" and getting to see how the others navigate as well).
When we arrived, we were prompted to sign in and wait for others who'd said they'd also be attending. So, during that waiting period, Al struck up a conversation with one of the other attendees.
Now, there was a four-person conversational circle comprised of a lady (we'll call her Patrice) who Al was talking to, me, and another man we'll call Kevin.
The first thing Al does when he strikes up a conversation with Patrice is introduce himself, saying, "Hi, I'm Al with (name of cleaning company), nice to meet you."
She responds with, "Hi, I'm Pamela, where is your business located?"
A fair question.
Not a personal fan of that approach though, I prefer to get to know people in a more personal sense first ("how are you today", "how was your drive up here", etc.) before getting into business talk (it sounded like she wanted to know what markets we're currently in to see if we're direct competitors). But, I can understand her being curious about her competition for a project this big.
After Al answered, I noticed she didn't seem too willing to volunteer where her business is located. But, that's not a huge red flag yet, more something to keep in mind if it starts to become a pattern of behavior that she takes opportunities to avoid reciprocating.
Her next question a minute later is, "How long have you guys been in business?"
I remain silent, observing what Al does. He answers honestly.
She says, "Oh, OK." Then simply stops there as if waiting for Al to continue the conversation.
So, not wanting my father to be disempowered (having given away personal business information and received nothing in return), I ask her, "And you?"
She says she's been in business for over 20 years.
Then, rather than transition to the more human topics now that her curiosity's been satisfied, she asks another personal business question: "How many employees do you guys have?"
I could tell my father was aware that this was crossing a boundary, but he decided to share anyway.
Again, she simply acknowledges his answer and says nothing.
So, again, I say, "How about you?"
Only then does she reciprocate with her number, saying, "Yeah, about the same as you...".
Now, I'm beginning to get a better picture of her situation. In the cleaning business, the number of staff hired can be an indicator of how much business that company has and, therefore, how well they're doing. So, if she's telling the truth that she has about the same number of employees as us, then that can mean that she's made about the same amount of progress in 20 years that's taken us less than five.
I notice her curiosity after discovering this information seemed to heighten when it comes to learning how we operate our business.
Al asks her a personal business question back though, asking her how she writes her bids for these types of projects.
She says she writes them herself. Al was a bit surprised she didn't have a bid writer and she was quick to inquire what a "bid writer" is (so, she's fine refusing to give any information unless directly asked, but quick to get information from others when possible, duly noted).
She says she didn't know she could hire someone to write bids for her and now she's going to have someone do it. Keep in mind, there's no "thanks for the tip", but it's early in the conversation and maybe writing bids isn't a big deal to her (some people like to do it because that way they can make sure it's getting done how they want it, so we're still in fairly yellow-ish territory, to me).
Kevin is standing a little outside the circle, as if unsure he can join, but trying to pass off his uncertainty as emotional detachment.
I noticed and wanted to make him feel more included, so I comment on his shirt, saying with a curious intonation, "Your shirt says brewing company." (A verbalized observation that came across as a covert question. I was wary of phrasing it as a question because of the risk of it coming across too dominantly, such as an accusatory "why" comment. But, looking back, I think it would've been better to simply soften it with a compliment beforehand, such as by saying, "I like your shirt, how come it says brewing company?" Lesson learned.)
He smiled and lit up a bit, explaining it was actually a Halloween shirt and showing an awesome horror design that was on the back.
We laughed and it created warmth between Kevin and I.
Al then asked Patrice how she found out about this bidding opportunity.
She said a contractor sent it to her. Here's what follows:
Al: "Oh, so you didn't get it through (name of bid program)?"
Patrice: "No, what is it?"
Al: "(Name of bid program), you get it through your email."
Patrice: "I haven't heard of it, what is it?"
Al: (looks at me) "He might know more about it than me because he's the director."
Ali: (avoids going straight into giving value to Patrice, who's shown taker signs so far, and looks at Kevin) "Do you know what (name of bid program) is [allows Kevin to explain it if he can and wants to]?"
Kevin: (said with an honest facial expression) "No."
Ali: (proceeds to explain, complying with Al's nonverbal request based on him looking over at me to answer the question)
Kevin: (gives proper credit) "Thank you, that's very helpful."
Patrice: (withholds credit by staying silent, refusing to say "thank you", and offers no value in return)
*Click the blockquote above to expand it.
It felt like this told me quite a bit about her, given that if she's truly only being informed about these bidding opportunities by a contractor when they happen, then she's missing out on the hundreds of bids that are available in the program that (a) the contractor might not know about, (b) the contractor might know about but isn't sending, and (c) are available for bidding early (which gives us as vendors an early foot in the door).
Of course, I did a fair amount of credit revealing when I gave the explanation, hence why Kevin gave credit.
But, Patrice refused. And, after that, Al stopped talking to her as well.
The tour guides announce they're ready to begin now. (They are also the ones who put in the request for cleaning companies to bid for this project, so these are the important decision-makers.)
They begin to introduce themselves and Al is the only one to respond to their introductions, saying, "Nice to meet you." And, they seem to appreciate it.
A really nice move, in my opinion, because the frame in the atmosphere beforehand seemed to be that this is a formal meeting/tour where the tour guides give announcements and instructions to the audience and the audience must simply follow quietly.
With Al's reframing though, I felt a new attitude begin to appear in the air that these tour guides are still people and it's OK to communicate back with them when it gives warmth.
Now, the tour begins.
The tour guide opens the first door and invites everyone to come in, but the group's response is very telling.
People move toward the door, but slowly, as if unsure who should be the first one to enter. It gave me the feeling that this is all their first time doing a business walkthrough tour for a university this big (which might not even be true, but their behavior felt like it was indicating that).
I seized the opportunity to act first, being the first one to walk through the door and leading the entire group.
It wasn't ideal. Ideally, my father would've been the first one through since he's technically my boss :).
But, he was showing the same hesitancy as the rest of the group. So, at the very least, this earns our company a point (whereas it might've been a small loss for him, it was a bigger win for the team).
Inside this room, which is a small theater, I continue off of Al's frame, commenting to one of the tour guides (who's the head of the school), "It's beautiful."
She smiled warmly saying "thank you".
This continued as no one seemed to find it OK to speak to the tour guides in a normal capacity, being very much business-focused (and maybe thinking that that was earning them points for being "serious businesspeople", whereas I feel they were losing out on relationship capital).
Then, something changed. It was time to move to the next floor and the director wanted to take the elevator, inviting anyone to join her.
One person joined her and seemed to build a small rapport with her on that ride. (As they exited the elevator together laughing, people seemed to realize that relationship is more important and many people joined her upon her next invite.)
I saw the opportunity too, but let it pass as a strategic choice to avoid overdoing the rapport-building attempts (which could've then come across as "sleazy/suspicious schmoozing" that could've lost me much of the work I'd done thus far).
I'm instead the first one on the stairs.
However, I also keep a balance with this leading behavior, sometimes falling back to be closer to Al as he took his time surveying the property as I allow others to go ahead and be first.
There were times when I was beside someone and we stood right in front of a door that we were both instructed to walk through. In those cases, I'd say, "Please," and gesture for them to go first, and they would.
It felt like a guiding behavior ("host role") power move, nonverbally indicating for them to go ahead while saying "please" as if to really say "please, you first".
But, it also felt warmer than the alternative, rushing to be first through the door in a tight squeeze (especially when I'd already led the group a few times, more than rude, it could've caused me to come across as power-hungry).
On a final note, Kevin showed some "nice guy" signs sometimes. For example, at one point, he was left behind by the group because he was continuing to hold the door for someone he didn't know wasn't even on their way yet (it was Al, who was still surveying the last shown area).
I took the door, said, "I got it," and Al having heard me and now being on his way, gave him the door as I walked in (I was constantly careful not to pull that host role move of inviting others to go through the door first).
All in all, it felt good being able to assess the taker(s), focus on what I can control (my own behavior), and use my power awareness to pull people up, rebalance social accounts at times, and stand out.
I even noticed that when shaking hands with one of the tour guides, I naturally looked them in their eyes, effortlessly avoiding looking down at our hands (which is a submissive move I used to do often).
I've come a long way.
If anyone has any feedback on this case study, happy to read.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on October 26, 2022, 5:47 am
(...)
So one possible way of combining both can be to give him a personal pointer on what he's doing well.
(...)

Thank you, Lucio!

Hadn't even thought of that, will definitely give that a shot next time around :).

Observe and avoid the takers...use power awareness for better social navigation

Yesterday, I was invited to be a part of a big meeting.

My father, Al, the head of a professional cleaning company, wanted me to be present for a walkthrough tour of a university that we were bidding for alongside a few other competitors.

Since I'm the managing director of the company, it made sense and I wanted to be there for more than business reasons, but for my own personal growth as well (first time facing "business walkthrough tour dynamics" and getting to see how the others navigate as well).

When we arrived, we were prompted to sign in and wait for others who'd said they'd also be attending. So, during that waiting period, Al struck up a conversation with one of the other attendees.

Now, there was a four-person conversational circle comprised of a lady (we'll call her Patrice) who Al was talking to, me, and another man we'll call Kevin.

The first thing Al does when he strikes up a conversation with Patrice is introduce himself, saying, "Hi, I'm Al with (name of cleaning company), nice to meet you."

She responds with, "Hi, I'm Pamela, where is your business located?"

A fair question.

Not a personal fan of that approach though, I prefer to get to know people in a more personal sense first ("how are you today", "how was your drive up here", etc.) before getting into business talk (it sounded like she wanted to know what markets we're currently in to see if we're direct competitors). But, I can understand her being curious about her competition for a project this big.

After Al answered, I noticed she didn't seem too willing to volunteer where her business is located. But, that's not a huge red flag yet, more something to keep in mind if it starts to become a pattern of behavior that she takes opportunities to avoid reciprocating.

Her next question a minute later is, "How long have you guys been in business?"

I remain silent, observing what Al does. He answers honestly.

She says, "Oh, OK." Then simply stops there as if waiting for Al to continue the conversation.

So, not wanting my father to be disempowered (having given away personal business information and received nothing in return), I ask her, "And you?"

She says she's been in business for over 20 years.

Then, rather than transition to the more human topics now that her curiosity's been satisfied, she asks another personal business question: "How many employees do you guys have?"

I could tell my father was aware that this was crossing a boundary, but he decided to share anyway.

Again, she simply acknowledges his answer and says nothing.

So, again, I say, "How about you?"

Only then does she reciprocate with her number, saying, "Yeah, about the same as you...".

Now, I'm beginning to get a better picture of her situation. In the cleaning business, the number of staff hired can be an indicator of how much business that company has and, therefore, how well they're doing. So, if she's telling the truth that she has about the same number of employees as us, then that can mean that she's made about the same amount of progress in 20 years that's taken us less than five.

I notice her curiosity after discovering this information seemed to heighten when it comes to learning how we operate our business.

Al asks her a personal business question back though, asking her how she writes her bids for these types of projects.

She says she writes them herself. Al was a bit surprised she didn't have a bid writer and she was quick to inquire what a "bid writer" is (so, she's fine refusing to give any information unless directly asked, but quick to get information from others when possible, duly noted).

She says she didn't know she could hire someone to write bids for her and now she's going to have someone do it. Keep in mind, there's no "thanks for the tip", but it's early in the conversation and maybe writing bids isn't a big deal to her (some people like to do it because that way they can make sure it's getting done how they want it, so we're still in fairly yellow-ish territory, to me).

Kevin is standing a little outside the circle, as if unsure he can join, but trying to pass off his uncertainty as emotional detachment.

I noticed and wanted to make him feel more included, so I comment on his shirt, saying with a curious intonation, "Your shirt says brewing company." (A verbalized observation that came across as a covert question. I was wary of phrasing it as a question because of the risk of it coming across too dominantly, such as an accusatory "why" comment. But, looking back, I think it would've been better to simply soften it with a compliment beforehand, such as by saying, "I like your shirt, how come it says brewing company?" Lesson learned.)

He smiled and lit up a bit, explaining it was actually a Halloween shirt and showing an awesome horror design that was on the back.

We laughed and it created warmth between Kevin and I.

Al then asked Patrice how she found out about this bidding opportunity.

She said a contractor sent it to her. Here's what follows:

Al: "Oh, so you didn't get it through (name of bid program)?"
Patrice: "No, what is it?"
Al: "(Name of bid program), you get it through your email."
Patrice: "I haven't heard of it, what is it?"
Al: (looks at me) "He might know more about it than me because he's the director."
Ali: (avoids going straight into giving value to Patrice, who's shown taker signs so far, and looks at Kevin) "Do you know what (name of bid program) is [allows Kevin to explain it if he can and wants to]?"
Kevin: (said with an honest facial expression) "No."
Ali: (proceeds to explain, complying with Al's nonverbal request based on him looking over at me to answer the question)
Kevin: (gives proper credit) "Thank you, that's very helpful."
Patrice: (withholds credit by staying silent, refusing to say "thank you", and offers no value in return)

*Click the blockquote above to expand it.

It felt like this told me quite a bit about her, given that if she's truly only being informed about these bidding opportunities by a contractor when they happen, then she's missing out on the hundreds of bids that are available in the program that (a) the contractor might not know about, (b) the contractor might know about but isn't sending, and (c) are available for bidding early (which gives us as vendors an early foot in the door).

Of course, I did a fair amount of credit revealing when I gave the explanation, hence why Kevin gave credit.

But, Patrice refused. And, after that, Al stopped talking to her as well.

The tour guides announce they're ready to begin now. (They are also the ones who put in the request for cleaning companies to bid for this project, so these are the important decision-makers.)

They begin to introduce themselves and Al is the only one to respond to their introductions, saying, "Nice to meet you." And, they seem to appreciate it.

A really nice move, in my opinion, because the frame in the atmosphere beforehand seemed to be that this is a formal meeting/tour where the tour guides give announcements and instructions to the audience and the audience must simply follow quietly.

With Al's reframing though, I felt a new attitude begin to appear in the air that these tour guides are still people and it's OK to communicate back with them when it gives warmth.

Now, the tour begins.

The tour guide opens the first door and invites everyone to come in, but the group's response is very telling.

People move toward the door, but slowly, as if unsure who should be the first one to enter. It gave me the feeling that this is all their first time doing a business walkthrough tour for a university this big (which might not even be true, but their behavior felt like it was indicating that).

I seized the opportunity to act first, being the first one to walk through the door and leading the entire group.

It wasn't ideal. Ideally, my father would've been the first one through since he's technically my boss :).

But, he was showing the same hesitancy as the rest of the group. So, at the very least, this earns our company a point (whereas it might've been a small loss for him, it was a bigger win for the team).

Inside this room, which is a small theater, I continue off of Al's frame, commenting to one of the tour guides (who's the head of the school), "It's beautiful."

She smiled warmly saying "thank you".

This continued as no one seemed to find it OK to speak to the tour guides in a normal capacity, being very much business-focused (and maybe thinking that that was earning them points for being "serious businesspeople", whereas I feel they were losing out on relationship capital).

Then, something changed. It was time to move to the next floor and the director wanted to take the elevator, inviting anyone to join her.

One person joined her and seemed to build a small rapport with her on that ride. (As they exited the elevator together laughing, people seemed to realize that relationship is more important and many people joined her upon her next invite.)

I saw the opportunity too, but let it pass as a strategic choice to avoid overdoing the rapport-building attempts (which could've then come across as "sleazy/suspicious schmoozing" that could've lost me much of the work I'd done thus far).

I'm instead the first one on the stairs.

However, I also keep a balance with this leading behavior, sometimes falling back to be closer to Al as he took his time surveying the property as I allow others to go ahead and be first.

There were times when I was beside someone and we stood right in front of a door that we were both instructed to walk through. In those cases, I'd say, "Please," and gesture for them to go first, and they would.

It felt like a guiding behavior ("host role") power move, nonverbally indicating for them to go ahead while saying "please" as if to really say "please, you first".

But, it also felt warmer than the alternative, rushing to be first through the door in a tight squeeze (especially when I'd already led the group a few times, more than rude, it could've caused me to come across as power-hungry).

On a final note, Kevin showed some "nice guy" signs sometimes. For example, at one point, he was left behind by the group because he was continuing to hold the door for someone he didn't know wasn't even on their way yet (it was Al, who was still surveying the last shown area).

I took the door, said, "I got it," and Al having heard me and now being on his way, gave him the door as I walked in (I was constantly careful not to pull that host role move of inviting others to go through the door first).

All in all, it felt good being able to assess the taker(s), focus on what I can control (my own behavior), and use my power awareness to pull people up, rebalance social accounts at times, and stand out.

I even noticed that when shaking hands with one of the tour guides, I naturally looked them in their eyes, effortlessly avoiding looking down at our hands (which is a submissive move I used to do often).

I've come a long way.

If anyone has any feedback on this case study, happy to read.

Lucio Buffalmano, Mats G and B have reacted to this post.

#180 · October 27, 2022, 7:29 am

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on October 27, 2022, 7:29 am
This is really really good, Ali!
Could be a case study on how to use power awareness both for picking high-quality people (and avoid not so good ones) and for using that information to achieve goals (strategizing).
Come to think of it, this would (have been or be) great in The Social Strategist as an example.
I could quote many many bits in here and say "great", but just for the sake of brevity and adding value, I'll pick just one and then give a feedback I personally feel may be useful:
Quote from Ali Scarlett on October 26, 2022, 2:00 pm
People move toward the door, but slowly, as if unsure who should be the first one to enter. It gave me the feeling that this is all their first time doing a business walkthrough tour for a university this big (which might not even be true, but their behavior felt like it was indicating that).
I seized the opportunity to act first, being the first one to walk through the door and leading the entire group.
It wasn't ideal. Ideally, my father would've been the first one through since he's technically my boss :).
But, he was showing the same hesitancy as the rest of the group. So, at the very least, this earns our company a point (whereas it might've been a small loss for him, it was a bigger win for the team).
Loved this analysis and the following action.
And I also loved that you didn't lunge for it, which would probably be too aggressive, especially considering you're not the boss.
But instead you only made your move when you spotted over-hesitancy on everyone's part (if there is someone who lunges, I'd personally let him go for it and make sure I'm not disempowered and dial up my power/dominance a bit just to make sure my name is on the map, and with a good reputation, but generally the person who over-does is handicapping himself).
And if there's one single feedback I'd give is this:
Consider that you may be giving a lot of "benefits of the doubt" sometimes.
Both in this situation and in some other situations I've observed, I'd personally start red-flagging the person sooner (and changing my behavior accordingly).

This is really really good, Ali!

Could be a case study on how to use power awareness both for picking high-quality people (and avoid not so good ones) and for using that information to achieve goals (strategizing).

Come to think of it, this would (have been or be) great in The Social Strategist as an example.

I could quote many many bits in here and say "great", but just for the sake of brevity and adding value, I'll pick just one and then give a feedback I personally feel may be useful:

Quote from Ali Scarlett on October 26, 2022, 2:00 pm
People move toward the door, but slowly, as if unsure who should be the first one to enter. It gave me the feeling that this is all their first time doing a business walkthrough tour for a university this big (which might not even be true, but their behavior felt like it was indicating that).
I seized the opportunity to act first, being the first one to walk through the door and leading the entire group.
It wasn't ideal. Ideally, my father would've been the first one through since he's technically my boss :).
But, he was showing the same hesitancy as the rest of the group. So, at the very least, this earns our company a point (whereas it might've been a small loss for him, it was a bigger win for the team).

Loved this analysis and the following action.

And I also loved that you didn't lunge for it, which would probably be too aggressive, especially considering you're not the boss.
But instead you only made your move when you spotted over-hesitancy on everyone's part (if there is someone who lunges, I'd personally let him go for it and make sure I'm not disempowered and dial up my power/dominance a bit just to make sure my name is on the map, and with a good reputation, but generally the person who over-does is handicapping himself).

And if there's one single feedback I'd give is this:

Consider that you may be giving a lot of "benefits of the doubt" sometimes.
Both in this situation and in some other situations I've observed, I'd personally start red-flagging the person sooner (and changing my behavior accordingly).

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