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#161 · November 17, 2021, 6:41 pm

In any case, the good news is that we can change that, or override it rationally :).

Agile methodology for making purchases with Pomodoro timer :):

Spend 30 minutes researching and drafting purchase requirements with budget
Spend 30 minutes selecting 5 possibilities
Spend 5 minutes eliminating one possibility till the best one is left

I'm reading more about cognitive behavioural therapy and possibly cognitive psychology.

I found a good foundational book on cognitive psychology:
Cognitive Psychology by Robert J Sternberg
Talks about the basics of attention, memory, problem solving, creativity, decision making and reasoning.

I've always been interested in cognition and learning.
It overlaps with my research interests in machine learning as well.
After all, artificial neural networks originally were modelled after the human brain.
One of the forefathers in neural networks, Geoffrey Hinton, was a cognitive psychologist and computer scientist.
He combined the concepts in the two disciplines to produce deep learning.

Also, for our course Social Intuition, learning about the subfield of social cognition could be useful.

This book talks about how we interpret our social context differently as we age:
The Oxford Handbook of Emotion, Social Cognition, and Problem Solving in Adulthood
Only read the first chapter.

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#162 · January 8, 2022, 8:35 pm

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on January 8, 2022, 8:35 pm
The "self-amusing approach" to power dynamics

I was going into a restaurant for a first date.

The background matters because wins & losses on first dates are magnified compared to follow-up dates (especially if post-intimacy) and friends who already know you.

As it's customary in most places nowadays, they stopped us for various papers and check-ins.

And I couldn't go through because my last shot was more than 6 months ago.

I tried to convince her otherwise and get us in.

The persuasion was harder because the woman at the check-in didn't speak English and she was replying to my date instead of me.

And date had the typical "defeatist approach" of accepting it at face value and letting the situation dampen her mood.
She'd turn to me and say "we cannot go in". If half of your group accepts the no, changing the dynamic is twice as hard -funny how often the biggest drag to your persuasion attempts are those who should be on your side-.

In a way, this was a mini "power-showdown".

The fact I technically "lost it" wasn't helping.
But the real damage was if I let it affect my mood and, in turn, the mood of the date.

What made it a non-even instead, and likely even a positive one, was that I kept the "self-amusing" approach all throughout, including with true laughter.

My mindset was "this Covid shit is really getting crazy to the point of laughing, but let's see if we can get in and have some fun with it".

And when we turned around and I was still amused by it all and already thinking about "what better place we were going to find next", that made it a non-event -or potentially a positive one-.
If you keep a good mood throughout the loss the simple fact you tried is a positive.
And the fact that you can keep a good mood is a positive.

I'm planning to use that date as an example / case study on date conversations, so it will probably be on SU's bonus section soon.

"Self-amusing approach" while flying above turkeys & power moves

Recently on the forum we discussed (or at least I said that 🙂 ):

It's often best to defend against power moves by looking at acting at general behavior, rather than over-reacting to single power moves

It's best both for your mental health as well as life-effectiveness to maintain a "superior" and "look from the above" eagle view on power moves and various power movers / manipulators

And I find that a self-amusing approach is an effective way of reaching those goals.

Thank you to ZenDancer for the idea.

The "self-amusing approach" to power dynamics

I was going into a restaurant for a first date.

The background matters because wins & losses on first dates are magnified compared to follow-up dates (especially if post-intimacy) and friends who already know you.

As it's customary in most places nowadays, they stopped us for various papers and check-ins.

And I couldn't go through because my last shot was more than 6 months ago.

I tried to convince her otherwise and get us in.

The persuasion was harder because the woman at the check-in didn't speak English and she was replying to my date instead of me.

And date had the typical "defeatist approach" of accepting it at face value and letting the situation dampen her mood.
She'd turn to me and say "we cannot go in". If half of your group accepts the no, changing the dynamic is twice as hard -funny how often the biggest drag to your persuasion attempts are those who should be on your side-.

In a way, this was a mini "power-showdown".

The fact I technically "lost it" wasn't helping.
But the real damage was if I let it affect my mood and, in turn, the mood of the date.

What made it a non-even instead, and likely even a positive one, was that I kept the "self-amusing" approach all throughout, including with true laughter.

My mindset was "this Covid shit is really getting crazy to the point of laughing, but let's see if we can get in and have some fun with it".

And when we turned around and I was still amused by it all and already thinking about "what better place we were going to find next", that made it a non-event -or potentially a positive one-.
If you keep a good mood throughout the loss the simple fact you tried is a positive.
And the fact that you can keep a good mood is a positive.

I'm planning to use that date as an example / case study on date conversations, so it will probably be on SU's bonus section soon.

"Self-amusing approach" while flying above turkeys & power moves

Recently on the forum we discussed (or at least I said that 🙂 ):

It's often best to defend against power moves by looking at acting at general behavior, rather than over-reacting to single power moves
It's best both for your mental health as well as life-effectiveness to maintain a "superior" and "look from the above" eagle view on power moves and various power movers / manipulators

And I find that a self-amusing approach is an effective way of reaching those goals.

Thank you to ZenDancer for the idea.

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#163 · January 9, 2022, 11:51 am

Good stuff!

I agree with you: the first date has more a "make it or break it" to it. As in "higher stakes".

However, in these situations I think it's an opportunity to display a quality valued by everyone, especially women: adaptability.

If you're able to roll with the punches and still have a good time together. It's a great display of leadership and intelligence qualities.

In the caveman times, it would be the equivalent of: "let's go berry-picking together. Oh there's a storm. It's alright I'm going to find us a shelter" kind of situation.

As stated in your post, the emotional part is important as well. To detach, look at the situation objectively after having given to it your best shot and go: "Ok, what can I do now?"

Cheers!

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#164 · January 9, 2022, 1:23 pm

Yes, exactly.

Coming from a loss, taking it in stride, maintaining a positive mood and finding a win out of it is probably better than if you had "simply won" in the first place.

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#165 · January 16, 2022, 7:19 pm

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on January 16, 2022, 7:19 pm
The Semi-Successful Networker: Hitting The Invisible Value-Ceiling

Some time ago I was at a Meetup.

I was sitting on my own resting when a guy approached me.

I welcome him warmly, and we start talking.
He asks several questions but wary of not being the only one talking -or being grilled- I ask questions back as well -and follow-ups-.

Eventually he opens up. He has an interesting story starting from nothing and going through quite some troubles -sleeping in the street at a certain point, and then sleeping in a used car-.

He's come a long way since then, but he's hungry for more.
I respect his struggle and determination.
He's not interested in women he says, "he's done that, he can find one", and he's interested in building something big instead.

He's a fan of Gary V he says, and he will move to the US, where people reward success and entrepreneurship instead of being jealous like in France (I think he might find a surprise in the US which seems to be becoming more and more like EU in that sense).

Then we talk more about TPM, and I link back to what TPM does to some of his stories being screwed over -ie.: the "self-protection" part of TPM-.

He loves it.
And I'm really liking this guy up to this point.

But then we reach a phase where I change my mind.

What was the issue?

The "Lemme Shove Value Down Your Throat" Approach

He began giving me suggestions on what to do.

It's not something I had requested, but it would have still been cool IF he was smooth about the transition and IF it was useful advice.

The issue though was that his advice was off.
He had no idea about a business like TPM.

In spite of it, he had full and unwavering confidence behind it.

You may recognize a cover power move there as well, since his suggestions frame him as in a position to give me value, and me in a position to need / benefit from his value.

He didn't stop there.

He was a serious networker, carrying a notepad and pen with him.

So he wrote down a few books he had mentioned and gives the scrap of paper to me.
And that feels like social scalping: if I was that interested I'd have written it down on my own.

And then he ends encouraging me to further grow the business -something I had never expressed desire of, nor showed any cues that I needed encouragement-.
That was nice on the surface but, as you might guess, another covert power move as it frames me as needing encouragement to pursue... Not even my goal, but like his version of my own goals.

Not that I disliked him still, but he had lost a lot of points by the end.

I still respected him somehow, but definitely not someone I'd want to meet again.

And not someone I'd want to share tips and business (or life) advice with.

The Networker's Glass Ceiling (Ceiling Power Dynamics)

Now comes the surprise.

The most interesting thing?

This guy was rocking it that night.

He was talking to everyone and he was the most popular guy when the night was about to end.
Several people were around him vying for his attention.

I wasn't surprised: he surely came across as charismatic.

I went nearby to dig further.

He was delivering more encouragement to one girl to "get started", and another guy was waiting to talk about some other ideas / books.

Now, can you guess what was the ceiling?

Of all the people around him, none had yet done anything business-wise.

That made me reflect on "glass ceiling behavior" -need to come up with a better term-.

It's a type of behavior that leads to success... Up to a certain level and within a certain class of people.

But it won't lead to success at the next level of development -and might actually turn people off at that level-.

There are many types of "glass ceiling behavior", in all social realms.

In this case, it was related to value-giving.

Seeking to give value is a great idea in general.
But when you pick a very specific currency, the glass ceiling is your own value in the currency you're giving away.
If you can't back it up with the gold reserve of knowledge/skills, then you're giving out pennies -or blank checks-.

The poor people will still seek you out for those pennies -the people hanging around him who had still not even taken the first step-.

But those further ahead will be turned off by the tacky display of penny-giving as if it were million-dollar bags.

The Semi-Successful Networker: Hitting The Invisible Value-Ceiling

Some time ago I was at a Meetup.

I was sitting on my own resting when a guy approached me.

I welcome him warmly, and we start talking.
He asks several questions but wary of not being the only one talking -or being grilled- I ask questions back as well -and follow-ups-.

Eventually he opens up. He has an interesting story starting from nothing and going through quite some troubles -sleeping in the street at a certain point, and then sleeping in a used car-.

He's come a long way since then, but he's hungry for more.
I respect his struggle and determination.
He's not interested in women he says, "he's done that, he can find one", and he's interested in building something big instead.

He's a fan of Gary V he says, and he will move to the US, where people reward success and entrepreneurship instead of being jealous like in France (I think he might find a surprise in the US which seems to be becoming more and more like EU in that sense).

Then we talk more about TPM, and I link back to what TPM does to some of his stories being screwed over -ie.: the "self-protection" part of TPM-.

He loves it.
And I'm really liking this guy up to this point.

But then we reach a phase where I change my mind.

What was the issue?

The "Lemme Shove Value Down Your Throat" Approach

He began giving me suggestions on what to do.

It's not something I had requested, but it would have still been cool IF he was smooth about the transition and IF it was useful advice.

The issue though was that his advice was off.
He had no idea about a business like TPM.

In spite of it, he had full and unwavering confidence behind it.

You may recognize a cover power move there as well, since his suggestions frame him as in a position to give me value, and me in a position to need / benefit from his value.

He didn't stop there.

He was a serious networker, carrying a notepad and pen with him.

So he wrote down a few books he had mentioned and gives the scrap of paper to me.
And that feels like social scalping: if I was that interested I'd have written it down on my own.

And then he ends encouraging me to further grow the business -something I had never expressed desire of, nor showed any cues that I needed encouragement-.
That was nice on the surface but, as you might guess, another covert power move as it frames me as needing encouragement to pursue... Not even my goal, but like his version of my own goals.

Not that I disliked him still, but he had lost a lot of points by the end.

I still respected him somehow, but definitely not someone I'd want to meet again.

And not someone I'd want to share tips and business (or life) advice with.

The Networker's Glass Ceiling (Ceiling Power Dynamics)

Now comes the surprise.

The most interesting thing?

This guy was rocking it that night.

He was talking to everyone and he was the most popular guy when the night was about to end.
Several people were around him vying for his attention.

I wasn't surprised: he surely came across as charismatic.

I went nearby to dig further.

He was delivering more encouragement to one girl to "get started", and another guy was waiting to talk about some other ideas / books.

Now, can you guess what was the ceiling?

Of all the people around him, none had yet done anything business-wise.

That made me reflect on "glass ceiling behavior" -need to come up with a better term-.

It's a type of behavior that leads to success... Up to a certain level and within a certain class of people.

But it won't lead to success at the next level of development -and might actually turn people off at that level-.

There are many types of "glass ceiling behavior", in all social realms.

In this case, it was related to value-giving.

Seeking to give value is a great idea in general.
But when you pick a very specific currency, the glass ceiling is your own value in the currency you're giving away.
If you can't back it up with the gold reserve of knowledge/skills, then you're giving out pennies -or blank checks-.

The poor people will still seek you out for those pennies -the people hanging around him who had still not even taken the first step-.

But those further ahead will be turned off by the tacky display of penny-giving as if it were million-dollar bags.

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#166 · January 17, 2022, 9:26 pm

Astute observation, indeed. Thanks for sharing! My opinion:

What's challenging is to see it when we are on the side of the person who thinks they can provide value. Sometimes we can miss that we are doing it. I would say that the default way of giving value in this case is (active) listening. Another alternative is to show appreciation for the other person accomplishment:

Wow. It takes a lot of self-belief and perseverance to build a business like this.

Also to ask questions

So what are your current challenges?

Where do you want to go next?

And maybe ask permission to give advice:

Do you want my opinion?

After having provided such opinion, ask for feed-back on it:

What do you think?

Also in the case of encouragements, an option is to accept it (build relationship) and to reciprocate (puts back both people on an equal foot).

Thanks man. I also wish you the best in your business.

That being said, I think everything you said applies as well.

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#167 · January 18, 2022, 1:06 am

Yes, I agree John, the "providing value via advice" can easily be a blind spot where we think we provide value, but the recipient doesn't.

And there can also be cases when we DO can provide value, but the recipient doesn't (yet) see and then it's also harmful to be the value-provider.

All the solutions you propose are valid.

Another one that works well in "covering your ass" against poor or unrequested advice is the good old power-protecting.

For example:

Networker: You know this stuff far more than I do, but just as I thought that occurred to me...

With that, you're now totally free to give useless advice, but it won't harm you.

At worst, it will be some chit chat and if you're generally a cool guy, you're still giving some value just with the pleasant chit chat.

If you hit something he likes, he will be sharing more, and having him sharing out of pleasure for sharing is also a form of giving value.

And in case you actually hit a home run and give great advice, he's even more likely to welcome it when you power-protect.

Or:

Networker: A guy I know is doing something similar to you (ask question to get engagement here, for example "do you know X, or Y industry). He says he's had quite some success with Google ads. Is it something you're interested in?

Instead of saying "this is something you should do", he proposes the idea very indirectly, asking if he's "interested" in it.

If he is, now he can talk about a topic he cares about.
And you might link the two providing real value.

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#168 · January 18, 2022, 8:33 pm

He's a fan of Gary V he says, and he will move to the US, where people reward success and entrepreneurship instead of being jealous like in France (I think he might find a surprise in the US which seems to be becoming more and more like EU in that sense).

Indeed, I'd say he might get a bit of a surprise in the US. Having lived in both New York and Paris, I suspect his evaluation of the different mindsets is pretty far off...

On another note, one of the things that I think is so important, and that can be a difficult skill for many people to develop, is the capacity to read the energy and emotional state of the person you're talking to an recallibrate accordingly... I've met many people withthe kind of overconfident opining that borders on arrogance you describe in this dude... it sounds a bit 'aspergers-y' in this guy's case...

One of the gifts that comes with active listening, as John describes, is that people actually become more interesting... obviously they haven't actually changed, but one thing I've noticed in myself is that as I've learned to listen more meaningfully to what people are saying when I meet them, I discover that they are actually more interesting to me and I have become more geniunely curious about the people I meet... as a result, making and leading conversation becomes easier because I'm not doing it just to 'make conversation' anymore... I'm doing because I really want to know about the person in front of me...

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#169 · January 19, 2022, 10:35 am

Quote from ZenDancer on January 18, 2022, 8:33 pm

One of the things that I think is so important, and that can be a difficult skill for many people to develop, is the capacity to read the energy and emotional state of the person you're talking to an recallibrate accordingly... I've met many people withthe kind of overconfident opining that borders on arrogance you describe in this dude... it sounds a bit 'aspergers-y' in this guy's case...

One of the gifts that comes with active listening, as John describes, is that people actually become more interesting... obviously they haven't actually changed, but one thing I've noticed in myself is that as I've learned to listen more meaningfully to what people are saying when I meet them, I discover that they are actually more interesting to me and I have become more geniunely curious about the people I meet... as a result, making and leading conversation becomes easier because I'm not doing it just to 'make conversation' anymore... I'm doing because I really want to know about the person in front of me...

Yes, great point.

If one has the emotional intelligence to spot what's well-received and what's landing on "WTF was that ears" he can stop soon enough that no damage is done -and he can even recover by taking a step back.

And yes, attentive listening is a big part of it.

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#170 · January 24, 2022, 8:22 am

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on January 24, 2022, 8:22 am
The sudden, funny changes of bitches when they go from "power up" to power down"

Quick background:

I have an atypical, hands-off style of working with contractors.

I hire them, explain what to do, but then don't follow their work much.

If they're starting late, I rarely chase them or ask what's up.
There is no real need to.
There is a project open with an escrow service, the money is not released directly to them, so it's not like they can run away.

And if they're simply late, I don't mind.

If they have questions, I expect them to ask.

Unless the website is down, everything I do for me is "non urgent", so I see no need to use my time to chase a delivery because a few days earlier or later make no difference -the "chasing" and "constant poke" attitude reek of neuroticism to me-.

If they request to extend the timeline, I almost always accept without questions.

This leads to interesting situations.

The great guys enjoy working with me.

But some other people I hire confuse "hands off" for "low-power", "total freedom" and "sucker".

And they feel like they can do anything.

A designer I recently hired to style a newsletter page was:

Starting late

Doing a terrible design job

Damage other areas of the website (of course the mistake here was on me to give access to the live website)

Deliver late

And the worst ones that truly tipped the scale:

Blame the website for his mistakes ("the website is a mess")

Propose a bigger job to "fix the website" (something that felt super manipulative to me)

Power-up talk: the asshole

Some people confuse "accommodating" for "weakness".

And what do they do?

They start acting like assholes.

Look how he talks the second time he asks for an extended delivery.

And keep in mind the context.
This was:

After he was late and doing a bad design-wise job

after had already damaged the website

after I had to chase him to halt everything he was doing and revert immediately

after he was trying to pitch me bigger work shit instead of immediately fixing a major website-wide issue

Him: I have already sorted out the problem (note: the problem HE created while experimenting shit on a live website, without backing up, a huge no-no for any kindergarte-level developer), so please cooperate by extending the delivery time

HE needs a favor and he fucked up.

He's in a value-negative hole, both pragmatically and reputation-wise.
He should make it up to me for both -both asking "sorry", maybe even proposing a discount or additional value, and showing better credentials to keep working on a live website-.

And instead, he brushes off his errors, implies he can keep on working on it despite his terrible track record, and tasks me as if he were in a position of higher power.

Instead, I:

log him out

change his password

do NOT accept his second extension

make him wait when he asks what's going on

tell him we're not working together anymore

That abruptly changes the power dynamics.

Not only I send the message that personally I'm no pushover, but the next, more coercive tools at my disposal also start becoming more "real" in his mind -namely: not releasing the money, leaving a bad review-.

Power-down talk: enter, "the bitch"

Now look how the tune changes:

Him: Please allow me, "may I sir"

To me, this guy is not only a poor designer, but also a turkey, a low-level manipulator, and a bitch.

If you use your power-up time to treat others poorly and then revert to supplicating power-down, you communicate that:

You're an asshole Deep down you truly are an asshole (the type that is all nice outside the house but then beats up the submissive wife who has no other option) BUT

You're also a brown-noser When confronted with higher power, you immediately change to obsequious and ultra-sweet

You're also bitch: whenever your pay and reviews are at stake, you have no qualms in throwing away all honor and self-respect.

The worst mix possible.

New definition for "bitch behavior"?

This type of "bitch behavior" of course is part of power, status, etc.

But it might deserve its new sub-scale category.

It's a specific sub-category with specific types of behavior that send "bitch" signals.

This is one example, going from tough-talker to begging.
But there are more.
We had "crying wolf" here once, and that also sends "bitch" signals (Stef called it "rule of cool" back then).

The sudden, funny changes of bitches when they go from "power up" to power down"

Quick background:

I have an atypical, hands-off style of working with contractors.

I hire them, explain what to do, but then don't follow their work much.

If they're starting late, I rarely chase them or ask what's up.
There is no real need to.
There is a project open with an escrow service, the money is not released directly to them, so it's not like they can run away.

And if they're simply late, I don't mind.

If they have questions, I expect them to ask.

Unless the website is down, everything I do for me is "non urgent", so I see no need to use my time to chase a delivery because a few days earlier or later make no difference -the "chasing" and "constant poke" attitude reek of neuroticism to me-.

If they request to extend the timeline, I almost always accept without questions.

This leads to interesting situations.

The great guys enjoy working with me.

But some other people I hire confuse "hands off" for "low-power", "total freedom" and "sucker".

And they feel like they can do anything.

A designer I recently hired to style a newsletter page was:

Starting late
Doing a terrible design job
Damage other areas of the website (of course the mistake here was on me to give access to the live website)
Deliver late

And the worst ones that truly tipped the scale:

Blame the website for his mistakes ("the website is a mess")
Propose a bigger job to "fix the website" (something that felt super manipulative to me)

Power-up talk: the asshole

Some people confuse "accommodating" for "weakness".

And what do they do?

They start acting like assholes.

Look how he talks the second time he asks for an extended delivery.

And keep in mind the context.
This was:

After he was late and doing a bad design-wise job
after had already damaged the website
after I had to chase him to halt everything he was doing and revert immediately
after he was trying to pitch me bigger work shit instead of immediately fixing a major website-wide issue

Him: I have already sorted out the problem (note: the problem HE created while experimenting shit on a live website, without backing up, a huge no-no for any kindergarte-level developer), so please cooperate by extending the delivery time

HE needs a favor and he fucked up.

He's in a value-negative hole, both pragmatically and reputation-wise.
He should make it up to me for both -both asking "sorry", maybe even proposing a discount or additional value, and showing better credentials to keep working on a live website-.

And instead, he brushes off his errors, implies he can keep on working on it despite his terrible track record, and tasks me as if he were in a position of higher power.

Instead, I:

log him out
change his password
do NOT accept his second extension
make him wait when he asks what's going on
tell him we're not working together anymore

That abruptly changes the power dynamics.

Not only I send the message that personally I'm no pushover, but the next, more coercive tools at my disposal also start becoming more "real" in his mind -namely: not releasing the money, leaving a bad review-.

Power-down talk: enter, "the bitch"

Now look how the tune changes:

Him: Please allow me, "may I sir"

To me, this guy is not only a poor designer, but also a turkey, a low-level manipulator, and a bitch.

If you use your power-up time to treat others poorly and then revert to supplicating power-down, you communicate that:

You're an asshole Deep down you truly are an asshole (the type that is all nice outside the house but then beats up the submissive wife who has no other option) BUT
You're also a brown-noser When confronted with higher power, you immediately change to obsequious and ultra-sweet
You're also bitch: whenever your pay and reviews are at stake, you have no qualms in throwing away all honor and self-respect.

The worst mix possible.

New definition for "bitch behavior"?

This type of "bitch behavior" of course is part of power, status, etc.

But it might deserve its new sub-scale category.

It's a specific sub-category with specific types of behavior that send "bitch" signals.

This is one example, going from tough-talker to begging.
But there are more.
We had "crying wolf" here once, and that also sends "bitch" signals (Stef called it "rule of cool" back then).

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