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What I'm Doing, (Maybe Where 🙂 ) & Why

#81 · July 9, 2021, 6:52 pm

Sucks to read that, Ali.

On the other hand, consider you can potentially give less mental space to the leechers.
That doesn't necessarily mean you won't pursue the takedowns as much as you can, but that while you do it, you do it with a certain "emotional detachment".

Part of the challenge of flying with the eagles is to not let the turkeys drag you down, emotionally, and in spirit.

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#82 · July 10, 2021, 3:47 pm

That's really unfortunate Ali.

I do find this kind of leechers annoying.

I hope Amazon and the other providers see that taking down these people is in their interest because authors and consumers would trust their platform more.

Have you tried tagging jeff@amazon.com?
I recall doing that for a failed delivery and got the refund very rapidly.
Not guaranteed to work as Jeff Bezos gets lots of emails, and he's no longer the CEO.
I hope with the change in leadership that Amazon keeps its value of providing exceptional customer service.

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#83 · July 10, 2021, 6:11 pm

Quote from Ali Scarlett on July 10, 2021, 6:11 pm

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on July 9, 2021, 6:52 pm

Sucks to read that, Ali.

On the other hand, consider you can potentially give less mental space to the leechers.
That doesn't necessarily mean you won't pursue the takedowns as much as you can, but that while you do it, you do it with a certain "emotional detachment".

Part of the challenge of flying with the eagles is to not let the turkeys drag you down, emotionally, and in spirit.

Thanks for the feedback, Lucio, I hadn't thought to view those leechers as "turkeys".

I always do my best to embody that mindset of "I am worthy of fair treatment and respectful communication, and so are others." So, in this case, it felt as if it would be unfair to label someone I don't know as a "turkey" without knowing their reasons for doing what they did (because I wouldn't want someone to do that to me).

But, I'm also starting to believe that when one becomes high-value (and/or high-status), it no longer matters. A high-value individual can be so busy with other priorities that value-taking behavior is value-taking behavior regardless of the reason, and it's the responsibility of the value-taker to provide a good reason, not the high-value person's job to assume there is one.

Therefore, once again, "appearing is being". The "apparent" value-taking behavior of a turkey is the value-taking behavior of a turkey and ought to be dealt with accordingly from the position of an eagle—unless there's enough evidence shown to justify an exception in how one deals with that turkey.

*Note: That exception wouldn't be in terms of coming down from the eagle position, but pulling the turkey up to an eagle position in order to deal fairly as two value-adding individuals, if it turns out the individual was mislabeled as a value-taking turkey.

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on July 10, 2021, 3:47 pm

That's really unfortunate Ali.

I do find this kind of leechers annoying.

I hope Amazon and the other providers see that taking down these people is in their interest because authors and consumers would trust their platform more.

Have you tried tagging jeff@amazon.com?
I recall doing that for a failed delivery and got the refund very rapidly.
Not guaranteed to work as Jeff Bezos gets lots of emails, and he's no longer the CEO.
I hope with the change in leadership that Amazon keeps its value of providing exceptional customer service.

Thank you as well, Matthew, the Amazon copyright violations have been taken care of. Right now, it's only a couple of other sites I'm working to resolve this with.

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on July 9, 2021, 6:52 pm

Sucks to read that, Ali.

On the other hand, consider you can potentially give less mental space to the leechers.
That doesn't necessarily mean you won't pursue the takedowns as much as you can, but that while you do it, you do it with a certain "emotional detachment".

Part of the challenge of flying with the eagles is to not let the turkeys drag you down, emotionally, and in spirit.

Thanks for the feedback, Lucio, I hadn't thought to view those leechers as "turkeys".

I always do my best to embody that mindset of "I am worthy of fair treatment and respectful communication, and so are others." So, in this case, it felt as if it would be unfair to label someone I don't know as a "turkey" without knowing their reasons for doing what they did (because I wouldn't want someone to do that to me).

But, I'm also starting to believe that when one becomes high-value (and/or high-status), it no longer matters. A high-value individual can be so busy with other priorities that value-taking behavior is value-taking behavior regardless of the reason, and it's the responsibility of the value-taker to provide a good reason, not the high-value person's job to assume there is one.

Therefore, once again, "appearing is being". The "apparent" value-taking behavior of a turkey is the value-taking behavior of a turkey and ought to be dealt with accordingly from the position of an eagle—unless there's enough evidence shown to justify an exception in how one deals with that turkey.

*Note: That exception wouldn't be in terms of coming down from the eagle position, but pulling the turkey up to an eagle position in order to deal fairly as two value-adding individuals, if it turns out the individual was mislabeled as a value-taking turkey.

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on July 10, 2021, 3:47 pm

That's really unfortunate Ali.

I do find this kind of leechers annoying.

I hope Amazon and the other providers see that taking down these people is in their interest because authors and consumers would trust their platform more.

Have you tried tagging jeff@amazon.com?
I recall doing that for a failed delivery and got the refund very rapidly.
Not guaranteed to work as Jeff Bezos gets lots of emails, and he's no longer the CEO.
I hope with the change in leadership that Amazon keeps its value of providing exceptional customer service.

Thank you as well, Matthew, the Amazon copyright violations have been taken care of. Right now, it's only a couple of other sites I'm working to resolve this with.

#84 · July 10, 2021, 6:27 pm

Quote from Ali Scarlett on July 10, 2021, 6:27 pm
"I Am Worthy of Respectful Communication and So Are Others..."

I had an argument with my father yesterday.

He believes that because we're family he shouldn't have to say "please". That it's my responsibility to help him whenever he needs something because we're blood.

Yet, for me, family / blood / whatever you wanna call it has abused me, isolated me, and left me to fend for myself in my darkest times when I was growing up.

So, I started to believe that, yes, we're family. And, we're also people. And, people shouldn't be automatically given respect, respect is earned because people are capable of being very value-taking and causing a lot of pain if one isn't careful to draw boundaries and command respect accordingly.

He didn't like that. He felt like he should be allowed to give me orders and I should be allowed to give him orders.

Reaching a Resolution On How to Communicate Respectfully

So, the middle ground I proposed was that we ask each other for whatever we need and leave out the "please" in that ask.

Instead of, "Ali, take out the trash," it's, "Ali, can you take out the trash (no please)."

Forgetting the "Eagle Approach"

My emotions from that argument carried over into the forum:

Quote from Ali Scarlett on July 9, 2021, 12:27 pm

Lucio, if you want to, go ahead and change the title of this thread to:

TPM upgrade feedback: what do you think? (= opens it up to everything related to the upgrade)
Or:

TPM upgrade feedback (2021): what do you think? (= opens it up while being mindful of the TPM upgrades in later years that will spawn future feedback threads)

"Go ahead and"?

I read that back and didn't like it when I submitted it. But, I couldn't figure out what was off about it and I knew it was power-protecting, so I let it go.

Now that I've calmed down, I understand what was missing. It was the word "please".

Going back to being the "eagle": had I taken a more emotionally detached position from the argument and an eagle approach to rereading that sentence, maybe I could've noticed what was missing sooner.

Now, Lucio still made the change, but as I said, I want to treat others with fairness and respect. Personally, I don't always need a please, but I appreciate it when others use it when asking me for something. So, I do my best to insert "please" when asking for something from others.

"I Am Worthy of Respectful Communication and So Are Others..."

I had an argument with my father yesterday.

He believes that because we're family he shouldn't have to say "please". That it's my responsibility to help him whenever he needs something because we're blood.

Yet, for me, family / blood / whatever you wanna call it has abused me, isolated me, and left me to fend for myself in my darkest times when I was growing up.

So, I started to believe that, yes, we're family. And, we're also people. And, people shouldn't be automatically given respect, respect is earned because people are capable of being very value-taking and causing a lot of pain if one isn't careful to draw boundaries and command respect accordingly.

He didn't like that. He felt like he should be allowed to give me orders and I should be allowed to give him orders.

Reaching a Resolution On How to Communicate Respectfully

So, the middle ground I proposed was that we ask each other for whatever we need and leave out the "please" in that ask.

Instead of, "Ali, take out the trash," it's, "Ali, can you take out the trash (no please)."

Forgetting the "Eagle Approach"

My emotions from that argument carried over into the forum:

Quote from Ali Scarlett on July 9, 2021, 12:27 pm

Lucio, if you want to, go ahead and change the title of this thread to:

TPM upgrade feedback: what do you think? (= opens it up to everything related to the upgrade)
Or:

TPM upgrade feedback (2021): what do you think? (= opens it up while being mindful of the TPM upgrades in later years that will spawn future feedback threads)

"Go ahead and"?

I read that back and didn't like it when I submitted it. But, I couldn't figure out what was off about it and I knew it was power-protecting, so I let it go.

Now that I've calmed down, I understand what was missing. It was the word "please".

Going back to being the "eagle": had I taken a more emotionally detached position from the argument and an eagle approach to rereading that sentence, maybe I could've noticed what was missing sooner.

Now, Lucio still made the change, but as I said, I want to treat others with fairness and respect. Personally, I don't always need a please, but I appreciate it when others use it when asking me for something. So, I do my best to insert "please" when asking for something from others.

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.

#85 · July 13, 2021, 10:41 am

Couple of quick thoughts:

I agree with you that as one gets busier, then it's fair to expect value-adding behavior and it's not your task to find a why someone might not be a value-taker

Some areas / people / parents have a culture or expectation that children are there to serve. I'd wonder if your father has grown up in that culture. If so, he might feel that "he has given" and now "it's his turn to take back"

But the above doesn't justify the demands, so I agree with your (new) point of view / attitude that we're people with our needs, goals, and feelings that are also part of the equation

On the "please" missing, I think your sentence was good as it was. The "if you want" that came before that made it power-protecting, the effort of providing two titles made it value-adding, and the willingness to have your own thread retro-fitted to the new use we were making also showed open-mindedness, collegiality, and a general positive attitude

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#86 · July 16, 2021, 1:26 pm

Quote from Ali Scarlett on July 16, 2021, 1:26 pm
Accepting Imperfection...In Order to Get More Done

I still remember the first time I was introduced to the "done is better than perfect" concept. It was in this very forum.

I did my best to apply it to productivity and that was always hard. Deciding not to be "perfect" felt like giving up on doing my absolute best.

Then, I discovered my personality type and went through 16Personalities where I learned that this is actually a common weakness of the ENFJ-A (i.e. the "Assertive Protagonist"):

16Personalities: "In moderation, the perfectionism that characterizes many Protagonists, especially Turbulent types, can be a wonderful thing. After all, if Protagonists always were satisfied with letting “good enough” be good enough, then excellence always would lie outside their grasp – and often, the only thing that separates the truly great from the merely mediocre is the willingness to spend a few extra minutes, hours, or even days ensuring that every last detail has been nailed down.

It is important for Protagonists to remember, however, that time cannot be conjured from a vacuum; every second spent fine-tuning work is a second that has been taken from another task. Though it can be easy to rationalize this redirection of energies as a simple prioritization of the necessary, there is a fine line between doing our best and doing the best. When Protagonists are content with nothing but perfection, then they become content with nothing, growing despondent at the sight of even their best efforts, so clearly do they see how short they fall of the ideal.

However, avoiding the pitfalls of perfectionism is not easy. For Protagonists who are particularly prone to perfectionist tendencies, learning to live with less than the best can feel like nothing short of surrender – something they are loath to do."

This self-awareness helped me understand that my "perfectionist attitude" was actually normal for me and normal for someone like me. It also helped me acknowledge that this attitude needed to be dealt with.

Unluckily, 16Personalities didn't help me fully understand when to accept done as better than perfect and when not to.

So, here's the new mindsets I'm working on:

I always go for it and do my best...to choose my battles wisely.

Perfection for me never should have been about finishing reading an entire book. It should have been about finishing absorbing the important, valuable parts of a book:

16Personalities: "The best is the enemy of the good." -- Voltaire

What's considered "best" for me (on the surface) is finishing a book in its entirety. And, that would be the enemy of what's actually good for me—only finishing / focusing on the sections of a book that will provide the highest ROI for my time and energy.

It's as Lucio mentioned:

Lucio: "High achievers don't read thousands of books [they don't read everything]. They [only] apply 10 key lessons [the highest ROI-producing information] thousands of times." -- MJ DeMarco, The Millionaire Fastlane

So, to put this into simple terms that I can resonate with:

16Personalities: "...discretion is the better part of valor [it is better to avoid a dangerous situation than to confront it] – not all battles must be fought for the war to be won [not all information must be invested in for the return on investment to be "perfect"]. Discerning when to struggle [fight] and when to let go is a sign of wisdom, not indolence."

What could be helpful for me is acknowledging that it is wise to avoid investing time and energy into a potentially dangerous situation when one could avoid it altogether. And, what's dangerous is letting information that will not provide a worthwhile ROI drain one's time and energy (plus the opportunity cost of where one could have put that time and energy).

Lastly, is this quote (that's currently growing on me):

Mindset/Life Approach: “Choose your battles wisely. After all, life isn't measured by how many times you stood up to fight. It's not winning battles that makes you happy, it's how many times you turned away and chose to look into a better direction. Life is too short to spend it on warring. Fight only the most, most, most important ones, let the rest go.” ― C. JoyBell C.

When it comes to self-development, it's time to pick my battles more wisely.

And, besides, choosing not to invest the maximum time, energy, and attention into certain material now doesn't mean I'll never do it for the rest of my life. I can always revisit that material later when it becomes more valuable to me, relevant, or a higher priority on my list.

*Note: Perhaps this is where I could also add the "quality over quantity" mindset, this time applied to information.

Accepting Imperfection...In Order to Get More Done

I still remember the first time I was introduced to the "done is better than perfect" concept. It was in this very forum.

I did my best to apply it to productivity and that was always hard. Deciding not to be "perfect" felt like giving up on doing my absolute best.

Then, I discovered my personality type and went through 16Personalities where I learned that this is actually a common weakness of the ENFJ-A (i.e. the "Assertive Protagonist"):

16Personalities: "In moderation, the perfectionism that characterizes many Protagonists, especially Turbulent types, can be a wonderful thing. After all, if Protagonists always were satisfied with letting “good enough” be good enough, then excellence always would lie outside their grasp – and often, the only thing that separates the truly great from the merely mediocre is the willingness to spend a few extra minutes, hours, or even days ensuring that every last detail has been nailed down.

It is important for Protagonists to remember, however, that time cannot be conjured from a vacuum; every second spent fine-tuning work is a second that has been taken from another task. Though it can be easy to rationalize this redirection of energies as a simple prioritization of the necessary, there is a fine line between doing our best and doing the best. When Protagonists are content with nothing but perfection, then they become content with nothing, growing despondent at the sight of even their best efforts, so clearly do they see how short they fall of the ideal.

However, avoiding the pitfalls of perfectionism is not easy. For Protagonists who are particularly prone to perfectionist tendencies, learning to live with less than the best can feel like nothing short of surrender – something they are loath to do."

This self-awareness helped me understand that my "perfectionist attitude" was actually normal for me and normal for someone like me. It also helped me acknowledge that this attitude needed to be dealt with.

Unluckily, 16Personalities didn't help me fully understand when to accept done as better than perfect and when not to.

So, here's the new mindsets I'm working on:

I always go for it and do my best...to choose my battles wisely.

Perfection for me never should have been about finishing reading an entire book. It should have been about finishing absorbing the important, valuable parts of a book:

16Personalities: "The best is the enemy of the good." -- Voltaire

What's considered "best" for me (on the surface) is finishing a book in its entirety. And, that would be the enemy of what's actually good for me—only finishing / focusing on the sections of a book that will provide the highest ROI for my time and energy.

It's as Lucio mentioned:

Lucio: "High achievers don't read thousands of books [they don't read everything]. They [only] apply 10 key lessons [the highest ROI-producing information] thousands of times." -- MJ DeMarco, The Millionaire Fastlane

So, to put this into simple terms that I can resonate with:

16Personalities: "...discretion is the better part of valor [it is better to avoid a dangerous situation than to confront it] – not all battles must be fought for the war to be won [not all information must be invested in for the return on investment to be "perfect"]. Discerning when to struggle [fight] and when to let go is a sign of wisdom, not indolence."

What could be helpful for me is acknowledging that it is wise to avoid investing time and energy into a potentially dangerous situation when one could avoid it altogether. And, what's dangerous is letting information that will not provide a worthwhile ROI drain one's time and energy (plus the opportunity cost of where one could have put that time and energy).

Lastly, is this quote (that's currently growing on me):

Mindset/Life Approach: “Choose your battles wisely. After all, life isn't measured by how many times you stood up to fight. It's not winning battles that makes you happy, it's how many times you turned away and chose to look into a better direction. Life is too short to spend it on warring. Fight only the most, most, most important ones, let the rest go.” ― C. JoyBell C.

When it comes to self-development, it's time to pick my battles more wisely.

And, besides, choosing not to invest the maximum time, energy, and attention into certain material now doesn't mean I'll never do it for the rest of my life. I can always revisit that material later when it becomes more valuable to me, relevant, or a higher priority on my list.

*Note: Perhaps this is where I could also add the "quality over quantity" mindset, this time applied to information.

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.

#87 · July 17, 2021, 6:23 pm

Nice going, Ali.

One note from my side:

Quote from Ali Scarlett on July 16, 2021, 1:26 pm

This self-awareness helped me understand that my "perfectionist attitude" was actually normal for me and normal for someone like me. It also helped me acknowledge that this attitude needed to be dealt with.

One of the reasons why I'm not the biggest fan of personality labels are, well... The labels that come with it.

You know, like when people say "I'm X, so it's normal that... ".

Once you make that label "yours", then changing it, adapting, or strategically suspending that behavioral pattern might become harder because now it's who you are.
And it might stand in the way of "strategic fluidity".

With this, I'm NOT saying "don't do personality types" or "don't learn about yourself".
Quite the opposite.
Take this just as a note on self-labeling.

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#88 · July 20, 2021, 3:45 pm

Finally finished up all of the high-quality reviews on my list for the work / job / career / business side.

Rounding up the best information on this topic, I'd say that the best reviews I've made on this subject (so far) are:

That's in no particular order.

I've left out some of the other job / raise negotiation content such as Voss and Pink because these last few reviews have been more of a "deep dive" into the topic.

That said, I'm working on some exciting reviews for you guys that'll transition into a different (perhaps more popular) topic. Hopefully, I can get those out before too long.

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#89 · July 20, 2021, 4:17 pm

Thanks a lot for all the reviews on the negotiation books and resources!
They were really informative and useful.
I may make a few dollars from these techniques.

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#90 · July 20, 2021, 5:13 pm

Awesome, thank you Ali!

I'll contact you again when updated "Career / Business University" and make a lesson based on some of your reviews.

Edit:
Just to be clear, the "contact you again" means not that you need to do anything, but that I want to find a way to give you something back for using your reviews.

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