Assertiveness is an interpersonal approach and communication style that voices concerns, opinions, and requests clearly and respectfully.

It wins people’s respect, and it makes you a high-value man.

So in this article, you will learn how to communicate assertively.

Let’s start with the basics:

1. Gain Self-Esteem & Self-Love

This is the true foundation of it all.

We have a whole course on it called Confidence University.
But for a quick starter, adopt for these values:

• 🧠 I tell the truth, and I expect to be told the truth
• 🧠 I don’t take advantage of others, and neither do I let others take advantage of me
• 🧠 I seek to add value to others, and I expect others to have the same attitude

And for busy folks:

• 🧠 I respect people’s time, and I expect others to respect my time

These values automatically move you towards a more assertive stance in life.

Also see:

• High-quality men
• High-quality women

2. Acquire Assertive Mindsets

The Routledge Handbook of Communication Skills states that beliefs make the difference between assertive men, and unassertive ones.

Assertive individuals tend to use twice as many positive self-statements as negative ones, unlike nonassertive individuals who use both equally.

So let’s start changing your self-talk:

Most close relationships gain with more upfront talk

2.2. Acquire Assertive Beliefs

• I am a respect-worthy man and so are most others
• I’m in charge of my behavior, others are in charge of theirs <—- this takes the pressure off from speaking up because you’re not forcing anyone. Only stating your position.
• I decide for myself what I will and will not do
• People may ask anything, and I can decline anything

• I may make mistakes, but I am still a worthy, respectable human <— Good men need it. They accept abuse after a mistake because they feel the pressure to be “good” and effective
• I can be illogical with my decisions <—- Effective against manipulators looking for reasoning “faults”. Avoid the argument altogether. Your choices are valid for the simple fact that you chose them
• I don’t know everything, and neither should I
• I can ask for help <— Useful for men who “suffer in silence”
• I am not responsible for other people’s problems <— Great against emotional manipulation
• Direct talk is better than covert
• Others can give advice, but I make my decisions
• I am my own judge, I don’t have to justify myself to others

🔎 Example:

Covert aggressor: Why did you do it that way?

Weak: (starts justifying, then accepts the aggressor’s explanation on how it should be done)

Empowered: Because, that’s what I chose to do

🔎 Example 2:

Aggressor: BS! what makes you even think that!

Weak: (accepts the aggression, justifies, then accepts he is wrong)

Empowered: Number 1, don’t talk to me that way again please. And number 2, we can talk about rationale after you speak respectfully

The high-power assertive stance is this:

As long as I remain within the law and my moral code, I can think, say, and do as I please 🦅

3. Know Your Goals & Values

Know what you want and who you are.

Including you:

1. Goals
2. Preferences
3. Values: what are you comfortable doing and not doing?

The clearer these are, the more you know what to say “no” to, the easier it is to say “no”.
🗒️This maybe your time to write them down.

🔎 Example:
TPM’s ex-developer was clear that his religious values didn’t align with our player-leaning dating section:

I respect him for standing behind his values, and for his clear communication

⛏️ full exchange in the journal.

4. Use This Assertive Format (To Start Out)

Bolton’s format can get you started:

• Describe the situation and what’s going on
  🛠️TIP: avoid personality and motives, focus on behavior and facts.

🔎 Example:

I noticed that the kitchen hasn’t been cleaned

Or:

It’s me who takes out the trash most of the times

• Express how you feel in the situation

🔎 Example:

I feel like I’m doing more than half of the housework

🎩 “I” statements are less dominant, but more objective and defensibile.
⛏️See here on “I” VS “you”.

Careful getting too touchy-feely
Avoid the “I feel” format when efficiency and goal-achievement take precedence (ie.: work).

• Specify what you would like to happen
  🛠️ Tip: use positive formats. Ie.: “stop being so messy” -> “clean twice a week“

🔎 Example:

I would like you to also take the trash out a couple of times a week

• Outcome. A reward if he complies, a possible punishment if he doesn’t
  🛠️ Tip: use positive formats. Ie.: “I will leave a bad review” -> “I will keep this bad experience for myself“

Often, it’s as simple as you liking it better, or the relationship improving:

I’ll appreciate that a lot, and I think we’ll get along much better

• Enforcement when needed

🔎 Example:

Mark, I don’t want to argue with you.
My focus is on making this work going forward. And I’m asking to please throw the trash out more often from now on.

Warning: Be smoother for everyday communication
DESOE comes off as “weird” in everyday life.
Understand the concept, train it, but adapt it to the situation and your personality.

Instead, it’s best used to:

• Communicate something difficult
• CYA when you need to be precise
• Deal with manipulative or difficult people

🔎 DESOE examples

With an emotionally manipulative mother:

• Mom, when you tell me I don’t care about you (describe)
• It makes me feel awful (express) because I do care and I don’t appreciate that nasty accusation (adaptation)
• So from now on, I want you to stop telling me that (specify)
• And once we can be kinder to each other, I may want to talk to you even more (outcome)
• No, sorry mom, I can’t visit Sunday (enforce)

With a strong-willed boss:

• Description: you have provided me with a great opportunity
• Express: and for that, I am thankful to you, it’s been an honor
• Specify: but I am handing my resignation
• Outcome: I will stay here 2 more weeks, and be gone by X day
• Enforce: my decision is final

🙋‍♂️ I never use templates: it’s about attitude

Lucio: Templates are good to start, but I find DESO low-power and stilted for my taste.

I want to talk about character, and I don’t like over-using “I feel”.
I’m also demanding and judgmental, and I own it.

In trash example above, I’d say “Hey man, look, generally, we’re good. But about the trash, I’ve been the only one throwing it out so far. Can we please both do it“.

And then add persuasion approaches.
For example: “Yeah, you can do it on your way out so it’s no extra effort at all. That’s how I do it“. Then quick chit-chat to rebuild goodwill and increase compliance.

Quicker Format For Quick Feedback

1. Describe non-judgmentally
2. Share your feelings
3. Share the effects of their actions

The template:

“When you [do X], I feel [Y] because [clarify the effect on your life].”

It’s a good format to start a conversation.
⚠️ But only use it with parties you trust. Otherwise, think beforehand about what you want.

5. Adopt Matching Body Language

Assertiveness is more than words, it’s an attitude.

It includes beliefs, mindsets, self-confidence, tonality, and body language.

This course helps you with them all 🔜.

For more on body language:

• Best body language resources
• Body language of social power

6. Start Speaking Up

As simple as that.

Some ideas:

1. Voice your concerns. When something feels off, speak up
2. Ask questions when you’re not sure. Making sure of things is a high-value trait
3. Embrace your unpopular opinions. Share and defend them when appropriate
4. Do something assertive that scares you

6.2. Stick through the changes

Passive people face both internal and external resistance to becoming more assertive.

Mentally most people before learning assertiveness skills misread assertion for aggression (Hargie, 2017).
So don’t be afraid if it feels ‘too much’, it’s just a phase.

And socially, people around you will not like your more assertive you.
Take that as a good sign: you’re empowering yourself (and people preferred you easier to push around).

6.3. Baby-step your way into it

Start with the easiest relationship or conversation.
Gain some experience, and move your way up.

7. Reward Yourself

Take pride in your changes.

Every time you act more assertively, congratulate yourself.

Bonus: Assertive & High Power

1. Remove “I can’t”, say “I don’t”

• I can’t = more strategic, but lower dominance
• I don’t (do X) = character based rejection 🦅
• I don’t want to = most dominant 💪🏼

2. Use disarming honesty

Excuses save faces.

But disarming honesty displays power and character.

🔎 Example:

You: I can’t because I wanna spend some me time

Nobody says that, so it’s refreshingly -and shockingly- high power.

3 Keep it about you

“Power borrowing” works, but done poorly it’s low power.
Ie.:

Low Power: Nobody could take this

Says who?
It sounds cheap excuse-making.

Here is how McCain effectively spoke of “breaking” under torture:

You: (I learned in life that) everyone has a limit. <—- it implies that everyone else would have quit.
I had reached mine

4. Go deep: address the source

Assertiveness guides encourage specificity.

But what if the issue is personality-based?

With the previous trash example, you may be tidy and your flatmate messy.
It’s a personality mismatch.

Then… Say that:

You: I think we have different personalities regarding house cleaning, and that can create difficulties. I’d like to talk about it and see if we can find solutions

4.2. Address the personal issue

If you have issues with someone, or they obviously dislike you:

You: It seems to me [we have some issues / you’re avoiding me / we don’t understand each other]

5. Keep it cool, avoid drama

Drama is “effective” at catching attention, but… At heavy costs.

Women are dramatic.
Not high-power men.

⛏️ Forum example.

❗ This is a remix from Power University. Alumni please see the superior assertiveness module❗