The Five Love Languages (1992) explains that we all express our love and affection in different ways (languages).
And to make sure we all show our love in a way that others can understand, we must learn to speak the right language.
Contents
Bullet Summary
- People express love and feel loved in different ways
- For a happy and loving marriage, you need to know your partner’s love language
- There are people with two love languages and there are “dialects” within the same language
Full Summary
About The Author: Gary Chapman is an American pastor and relationship counselor.
He can claim to have written the biggest-selling book when it comes to relationship advice.
And for good reasons: it’s short and to the point and with great relationship wisdom.
Introduction
The 5 Love Languages states that people express and feel loved in 5 different ways.
If two people from two different love languages are together they can ruin their relationship by not making their partner feel loved.
To fix the issue you should learn how your partner communicates and receives love and adjust accordingly.
Let’s start then with the 5 Love Languages:
Love Language #1: WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
Words of affirmation communicate with words how much you love your partner.
If words of affirmation are your partner’s primary love language, it will mean the world to them when you say how much you love them.
Here’s how you can communicate through words of affirmation:
- Tell them “I love you”
- Make compliments
- Say you love them so much when they do X
Reversal
People whose primary love language is quality time will be deeply hurt by criticism and hurtful comments.
Love Language #2: QUALITY TIME
People who have quality time as their main love language will value spending time with their partners and getting their full attention.
Quality is the keyword here, which excludes activities such as watching TV together (TV gets your attention) or driving (the road gets much of the attention).
Here’s how to express love in the quality time language:
- Going for a walk just the two of you
- Eating together while having personal conversations
- Doing new experiences together
Reversal
You will hurt people whose love language is quality time the most when you avoid spending time together.
Avoid postponing dates, being distracted, and not listening to them.
Love Language #3: RECEIVING GIFTS
If your love language gifts, you appreciate gifts and concrete symbols of love.
Indeed, that’s what gifts stand for: a symbol of appreciation, a sign you are thinking of them, and, of course, a symbol of love. No gifts mean no love.
The value of the gift is actually often less important (unless she’s a low-quality girl).
My note:
I can relate here. I had a girlfriend whose language of love was gifted, and she always came up with super personalized gifts for me. Often of little value but requiring work and thought.
Reversal
If you never buy gifts and your partner’s love language is gifts, you are hurting them. Especially hurtful is missing gifts for celebrations, birthdays, and anniversaries.
Changing Attitudes Towards Money
I particularly liked the note Chapman does on people who are money savers and don’t like spending on “meaningless” stuff (I am like that).
Savers feel good about themselves when they save money, so when savers are in a relationship with a partner whose language of love gifts, it could create problems.
But, the author says, by not purchasing gifts you ARE purchasing for yourself. You are purchasing emotional security and self-worth. You are caring for yourself… And hurting your spouse.
Love Language #4: ACTS OF SERVICE
People whose love language is acts of service appreciate concrete help as a sign of love.
“Let me do that for you” is the keyword here. You use your own time and resources to take a load off your shoulders.
Here are examples of acts of service:
- Cooking
- Preparing the table
- Changing children’s diapers
- Mowing the grass
- Taking the garbage out
Different Dialects
Here Chapman introduces the possibilities of “dialects” within the same love language.
For example, you can both speak acts of service as your love language but value different types of services.
He might feel his duty is mowing the lawn, but she should take care of the children. While she could feel they are both parents and it’s not loving of him not to help with the kids.
Chapman recommends you ask your spouse to come up with a list of tasks she would appreciate help with.
Reversal
Refusing to help and breaking promises is particularly painful for those who speak acts of service as their love language.
Love Language #5: PHYSICAL TOUCH
Partners whose main love language is physical touch will feel your love when you kiss them, hug them, cuddle, have sex and hold each other after sex.
Even here there are different dialects that are expressed through situational physical touch and which parts of the body one likes most.
Don’t assume, but ask or, better, observe.
My Note:
also note that men and women touch each other very differently. Read more on 4 ways men touch women wrong.
Reversal
Lack of touching is of course particularly painful for people whose main love language is physical touch.
You might be a guy who’s not into holding hands -I wasn’t-, but if your spouse is, hold that hand while walking.
For children, if their primary love language is touch, they will remember a slap for their whole life.
Real-Life Applications
Learn Your Own Love Language
And let your partner know about it.
Find Your Partner’s Love Language
And communicate with him/her using his/her love language.
What Are The Five Love Languages?
The five love languages are compliments (words of affirmation), quality time spent together, gifts, concrete help (acts of service), and physical touch.
Criticism
Is It Sexist / Traditional?
The 5 Love Languages has been heavily criticized over time.
One of the main critics is that Chapman recommends a woman try to revive her marriage on her own.
And since her husband always wants more sex with her, he recommends she have sex once a week first and then increase it to two times a week.
I really don’t see much point in this critique.
If one wants to give it a try to revive a marriage -or any relationship for that matter-, why not start from oneself first?
If it doesn’t work, that’s fine, at least you have tried everything.
One the sex question, if one party wants to have more sex, there are only three ways to solve it. 1. have more sex and make him happy; 2. don’t have sex and only make yourself happy; 3. or meet in the middle.
Chapman’s recommendation just seemed a way to meet in the middle.
And it was smart in the sense that sex also underpins an emotional connection, and can be an indicator of an improving relationship.
Is It Too Religious?
Chapman is a pastor and there are biblical references in “The 5 Love Languages“.
But it’s not all based on religion and scriptures like, for example, Boundaries is.
And personally, I didn’t find those references to take anything away from the main message.
Is It Unscientific?
One of the main criticism against the 5 Love Languages instead is that of having a little scientific background.
As I listened to the audiobook, indeed, I couldn’t help but notice that Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages had little scientific research backing its claims.
But the more I listened, the more it made sense.
But that’s not enough to validate such a big theory that can also be easily tested.
And since I have a deep distaste for pop psychology myths, I had to look deeper.
Turns out, research to confirm (or disprove) the 5 Love Languages don’t seem to reach a strong conclusion, partially because of the difficulty of measuring the phenomenon.
However, they seem to lend some scientific credibility to the 5 Love Languages
See: construct validation of the 5 languages of love and a validity test of Chapman’s 5 Love Languages.
Still, the research is not final here.
I am ambivalent about it.
I believe an experienced and good observer can be better than a few researchers in drawing valid theories. But those solid theories are better confirmed by research then.
PROS
- Enlightening wisdom
- Brief and to the point
- Practical and useful
Review
The 5 Love Languages is an incredible book.
Anyone interested in a successful relationship -and we should all be- will gain from reading it.
Below I address some common criticisms leveled against it.
Respect for Chapman
As a last note, I have major respect for Chapman if what The New York Times says about him is true.
Chapman devoted all income from “The 5 Love Languages” to a charity.
The charity promotes Christian values and one might or might not agree with that. But he’s certainly a man who puts his money where his mouth is.
And that’s not something many do.
