The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense teaches readers words, techniques, and mindsets to defend themselves against aggressive communicators and verbal bullies.
Takeaways
- Don’t react emotionally: that’s what the verbal attacker wants
- Agree with them when they use general presuppositions
- There are many kinds of attacks, but once you know how to answer a few, you can answer all of them
Notes
About the Author:
Suzette Elgin was an American linguist and science fiction author. She also authored non-fiction books and products, focusing on communication and verbal self-defense.
Principles of Verbal Self-Defense
These are the overarching principles you need to learn for effective verbal self-defense:
#1. Know You’re Under Attack
Many people don’t know when they are being victimized and instead, blame themselves for being too sensitive.
This is because the attacker often is not physically threatening or because he uses double-binding techniques.
This is an example of a double-binding technique:
Verbal manipulator: It’s not your fault if you don’t have any sense of humor, I would be the same in your situation
Now if you get snippy and angry, you do validate his statement.
How do you know when you’re under a verbal attack?
Simple: listen to how you feel.
#2. Know What Kind of Attack You’re Facing
This requires some knowledge of the different types of verbal attacks and, most of all, power awareness.
Learn the basics here:
- Power awareness: learn to read the ‘grammar of power’, attacks, and self-defense for respect, status, and attraction
Power Intelligence (PI): What Is it, How to Increase It
#3. Fit Your Defense to The Attack
This requires some experience, knowledge, and training in verbal self-defense. Specifically, it requires the skill of social calibration.Â
Learn it here:
- Social calibration: how to match your defense to the attack
- Micro-aggression: matching for low-intensity
- Covert power moves: matching for covert attacks
The Science of Social Calibration: 7 Steps to Mastery
#4. Know How to Follow Through
This is about actually putting the strategy to work.
Some people know what they should do, but they don’t do it.
Instead, they plunge head-on with their feelings and overreact, while some others do nothing and let the bullies run them over.
This requires power competence.
Learn in Power University:
- Power University: the full training to see, handle, and turn any attack on its head
Verbal Attackers Want to Get Your Reaction
Suzette Elgin says that verbal attackers get a kick out of getting a reaction out of you.
Sometimes it’s power-hungry men who are addicted to the sense of power that comes from stirring people’s emotions.
Ben Shapiro uses the “get under your skin” technique:
Ben Shapiro is a great case study to learn verbal bullying techniques.
Types of People Acting & Reacting to Verbal Bullying
People fall into different categories during verbal attacks, including:
- Blamer: they use words such as “always”, “never”, and “everybody”. They accuse, sometimes talk louder, and wiggle their fingers.
They look confident, domineering, and powerful. But it’s because they’re insecure that they feel they need to use that aggressive style. - Placator: they use words and body language that express a desperate desire to please.
This is typical nice guy syndrome. - Computer: neutral. They don’t use “you” or “I” and speak in instructions.
- Distracting: they switch from one mode to the other
Agree to Defuse The Attack
When the attacker uses general language, such as “everybody knows that X is done that way” or “anyone who cared about the budget would not throw money around”.
And you reply:
You: You’re absolutely right
Or:
You: That’s true indeed
That takes the wind out of the attackers’ sails.
The “Even You” Attack
Example of an “even” attack:
Verbal Bully: Even a woman can understand that
Everything coming after “even” here is supposedly inferior. Taking the bait here would mean replying “listen, I can understand here as good as any man on this team”.
A few good replies:
You: The idea that women are somewhat inferior has been put to rest since a long time, but I’m really astonished of hearing it from you
Or
You: When did you feel I wasn’t meeting your standards
Avoid “why” or “what makes you think” because you give the attacker a chance to keep attacking.
Rules of Engagement
Whenever you are attacked:
- Ignore the bait
- Respond to the presupposed attack
- Send the message you’re not playing their game
This is largely about frame control.Â
We have a full lesson to learn the skill of frame control in Power University, but for an overview see here:
10 Frame Control Techniques to Out-Frame Anyone
Review
The Gentle Art of Self-Defense is a good book with some valid approaches, though it isn’t high power enough for readers who want to signal more assertively that they’re not pushovers.
Yes, you don’t want to react. But sometimes you must push back because the attacker is trying to shame you, dominate you, or use you for social climbing.
In those cases, you must go on the offensive. And the book doesn’t deal with those situations.
If you’re interested in advanced self-defense to win not just a battle, but the full relationship and peace of mind, check out Power University.
- Power University: the art of self-defense. Gentle when appropriate, more assertive when needed
Power University
