No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover is a deep, well crafted psychological overview of guys who are too nice.
Perfect both for guys who are, indeed, too nice, and also for everyone who wants to deepen his understanding of people and psychology.
Bullet Summary
- The nice guy syndrome is the belief that if they’re nice they will be loved, have their needs met and avoid problems
- When they don’t get what they want, they do more of the same
- Nice guys aren’t really nice at all
Full Summary
Traits of Nice Guys
Most people have one or two of these traits, but nice guys have most of them:
- Givers
- Caretaker
- Seek approval from others (especially with women)
- Conflict-avoidant
- Seek the right way to do things
- Try to be perfect and avoid mistakes (so people don’t think they’re bad)
- Repress their feelings
- Want to be different from their fathers
- They’re more comfortable being with women
- They exert tremendous effort to make their partners happyt
They give because they think that’s what makes them good.
And they tend to others because they put everyone’s needs ahead of their own.
The nice guy is afraid of conflict but nothing ever gets solved with him because he doesn’t necessarily agree, he just avoids conflict (also read passive aggression).
He tells people what they want to hear but then reverses his decision to please someone else.
Why Nice Guys Aren’t Really Nice
Robert Glover says that nice guy is actually a misnomer and nice guys aren’t nice at all.
- Lie telling people what they want to hear
- Hide their true intention
- Use indirect ways and manipulation to get what they want
- Can be very controlling
- Only give to get
- Often brew resentment and anger
Integrated Male
Glover presents the integrated male as the antithesis to the nice guy and the type of man the nice guy should strive to become.
The key of the integrated male is total acceptance of who he is.
The integrated male:
- Likes himself
- Takes cares of his needs
- Is comfortable with his sexuality
- Values integrity and speaking up
- Sets clear boundaries and is not afraid of enforcing them
- Accepts is flaws
How Do People Become Nice Guys
Nice guys received the following message in their formative years:
It’s not acceptable, safe or desirable to be who you are.
That can take many forms.
For example parents who:
- Abandoned them early
- Had sky high expectation for them and never rewarded them
Two Types of Nice Guys
There are two types of nice guys. Those who think they are bad and need to correct themselves, and those who think they are so good and lie to themselves to keep their self image.
The former had a troubled and rebellious childhood he needs to make up for. The latter was the good boy of the family.
Overcoming Mr Nice Guy Syndrome
There are many ways Glover recommends to overcome the Mr Nice Guy syndrome, including:
- Spending more time with men
- Forcing yourself to enforce your boundaries
- Learning to please yourself first
- Cut porn and learn to have sex for the sake of it
- Facing your fears
- Repeating positive mantras
- Eating well
- Doing sport
Nice Guys Don’t Have Intimate Relationships
Nice cannot have intimate relationships. Intimate relationships requires people to look down themselves and open up who they really are.
But nice guys are always wearing a mask and always hiding their true self. That makes their relationships un-authentic.
Two types of Relationship Nice Guys
There are two types of nice guys:
- Those who get overinvolved at the expense of themselves
- Those who are nice to everyone except their partner (and are emotionally unavailable)
Glover calls the second type “avoidants”, possibly referencing to the avoidant attachment style.
Setting Boundaries
The author makes the point that women want boundaries from their men as that makes them feel more secure. As a matter of fact, she will test his boundaries to make sure they are strong and resistant.
Nice Guys and Sex
The author says that all nice guys he has met had some issues with sex.
The issue span all the gamut, really, but at the core nice guys are ashamed and uncomfortable with their sexuality.
The most interesting bit for me was that some nice guys pride themselves on being good lovers. However, good lovers for nice guys means always putting the woman first.
They are concerned to make her orgasm because they want to provide, but that means they approach sex like a robotic undertaking.
Ultimately, it’s not even enjoyable for the woman.
The author has a very interesting point here (with which I don’t necessarily agree): be more like the nature alpha males.
Confident, competitive and putting themselves first, including is own pleasure.
No More Mr Nice Guy Quotes
Just about everything a Nice Guy does is consciously or unconsciously calculated to gain someone’s approval or to avoid disapproval
One Nice Guy asked me, “If a man is talking in the forest and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?
When our god fails to respond in the ways we expect, we humans tend to respond in one of two ways. We either blindly intensify our acts of worship or lash out in righteous anger
Self-respect, courage, and integrity look good on a man.
Real Life Applications
What One Man Can Do, You Can Do
Towards the end No More Mr Nice Guys becomes a bit of a self-help, motivational book. And I absolutely loved this quote:
What one man can do, you can do Click To Tweet
Which is also one of the central tenet of Ultimate Power.
CONS
Fuzzy Descriptions
The psychological description of the nice guy seemed a bit of a huge container of everything’s that’s negative to me.
It goes from “seeing things in black and white” to “fear of failure”
But fear of failure is not a prerogative of nice guys and I don’t see the connection to seeing things in black and white.
Red Pill-ish
At times it feels less a book from a doctor and more of a text from a red pill thread. And that’s not necessarily a positive thing.
For example Mr Nice Guy blames the constant increase of nice guys on
Unscientific At Times
No More Mr Nice Guy says that after world world II boys have been disconnected from fahers and forced to see role models with their mothers and accept female definitions of what it means to be male.
But based on what?
Bit Confusing
First the book says that nice guys become nice guys because they get the message they are not good enough. Then it’s because men grew up with females and female culture.
Which one is which? Possibly the author meant that both factors contribute, but he should have made that clearer.
Men-Bonding… ?
Maybe spending time with other men can help some nice guys. The author certainly has more experience there than I do.
However, I can’t imagine that as working for everyone.
As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t recommend this to most people. It’s more about the quality of men you spend time with (and quality of women, for that matter)
That part sounded a lot like The Way of Men, and I didn’t agree much with it.
PROS
Great Overview of Nice Guys
I listed a lot of cons, but I often do with great books because I hold them at a higher standard.
So don’t get it wrong, No More Mr Nice Guy is an awesome overview on the “too nice guy” phenomenon.
Review
I don’t consider Mr Nice Guy one of the top books out there. Which is a pity, because in many ways and for the most part, it could have been.
However, even considering its limitation, I do recommend it. Both to nice guys and even to understand nice guys’ psychology -and general psychology-.
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