Stonewalling is the withdrawal from interpersonal engagement, especially during moment of heightned intensity.

In this article we will learn what stonewalling is, what stonewalling does to relationships, and, most of all, how to stop stonewalling.
So let’s start:

What’s Stonewalling

It’s men who stonewall most often, and stonewalling often makes women more emotional, leading to a vicious cycle

Stonewalling is the withdrawal from communication or social engagement with physical distancing, silence, or minimal engagement that fails to meet the partner’s expectations.

In relationship counselling, stonewalling tends to be seen as the failure to communicate, but it can be different things, including:

• Passive-aggressive punishment
• Disinterest
• Self-protection
• Power move to make the partner over-invest or get emotional (and then potentially gaslighting them)

And while stonewalling tends to be associated with communication failure, at The Power Moves we stress that effective behavior is contextual. And there are perfectly valid contexts where stonewalling can be a valid approach.

For example, exiting or even inviting her out in the presence of obvious disrespect is exactly what self-respecting men would do.

That being said, since we deal with strategies in other articles and in our programs, in this article we’ll focus more on the least effective forms of stonewalling and how to address it.

Stonewalling in Relationships

Relationship researcher John Gottman lists stonewalling as the fourth and last ‘Horseman of the Apocalypse‘ alongside criticism, contempt, and defensiveness.
While criticism, contempt, and defensiveness are gender-neutral, stonewalling is mostly a male phenomenon. Men account for 85% of stonewalling cases. Stonewalling can take various forms including:

• Turning around and looking away
• Silent treatment
• Physically leaving the room
• Refusing to answer or talk about the issue at hand
• Yelling to stop the conversation

Stonewalling can sometimes happen as a consequence of flooding. Meaning, feeling so overwhelmed that we can’t focus. But instead of exploding, the stonewaller implodes.

Many stonewallers erroneously believe that by withdrawing, they are doing their part to make things better.
But they couldn’t be farther from the truth.

When Stonewalling Spells Relationship Doom

Stonewalling is on a spectrum of intensity and frequency, but when it becomes commonplace and combines with the other three horsemen, it predicts divorce with more than 90% accuracy.

And Shirley Glass, suggests that women’s stonewalling is even more serious. Women are often vocal complainer of a lack of emotional intimacy, and when they start withdrawing and stonewalling, it’s a sign that they have become discouraged and are giving up.

Funny enough, men are happy about female stonewalling in the beginning because they believe the nagging has stopped and they have finally won some respite.
But it’s a false sense of security: female stonewalling is often the sign the relationship is about to end.

In either case, stonewalling tends to:

1. Escalate arguments as she tries to get a reaction out of him, and he becomes more and more indignant of her pushing
2. Leaves problems unsolved, snowballing them instead of solving them
3. Breaks the emotional connection as she feels he is unreachable and he feels she is overly aggressive
4. Triggers hopelessness in her as she feels misunderstood, uncared for, and unable to solve things

Stonewalling hurts and affects women the most

When women stonewall, it frustrates men.

But men’s stonewalling is much more hurtful to women.
Laboratory studies show that when men stonewall, women’s heart rate jumps (Levenson & Gottman, 1985).
Unbeknownst to most men, stonewalling is emotionally painful for women.

Stonewalling Examples In Relationships

And here are a few examples of stonewalling in relationships:

1. The Godfather: Aggressive Stonewalling

Stonewalling isn’t always necessarily peaceful and quiet.
Trying to forcefully stop the conversation is also a form of stonewalling, as exemplified here:

Godfather: “I don’t wanna hear about it. OVER!”

Maybe not an accident that her first comment after his aggressive stonewalling is “I feel no love for you anymore”.

2. Physical Distancing Stonewalling: Crazy Stupid Love

In this example, he feels so powerless to listen and engage that he goes out of his way to exit the interaction:

Her: (discusses disloyalty out of emotional detachment)
Him: (jumps out of the car)

Now that’s some high commitment to stonewalling :).

I don’t want to overload this post with too many examples, but if you’re interested check out again Cal Weaver, later in that same movie, he uses another stonewalling technique: pretending not to hear and talking about something else.

How to Get Through A Stonewaller

The best approach would be to recruit the stonewaller’s willing participation.
Make him want to contribute.

Besides that:

1. Start softly: men take longer to warm up and prep
2. Stay softer, avoiding over-emotionality and, especially, yelling is best. 🙋🏼‍♂️ Lucio’s Experience: I always respected and admired a woman who walked out and took a break in another room when she felt getting overly emotional. I thought it was such a powerful mix of strength and femininity
3. Repair and de-escalate: When you see your partner begin to tense up or when he starts getting defensive, it’s not the time to double down as most people do. It’s time to repair and take a step back.
4. Power-protect: Ego and power dynamics almost always apply. Try to make your point respectfully and remember the golden rule: treat others like you want to be treated
5. Accept influence: Influencing is a two-way street. If you accept their needs and wants, they are more likely to accept yours.
6. ⚠️ Don’t fall for manipulative power moves! And don’t chase when people leave as a game tactic or use your anger against you

And finally, also helpful:

• Let him read this guide

Most men (and women for that matter) are clueless about these dynamics. They have no idea how painful it is for women and how deeply it can damage relationships.

If he is open-minded, mature, and strong enough to accept and incorporate feedback for improvement -and if you, the man, are reading this, you should be-, chances are he will be willing to help.

How to Stop Your Stonewalling

Once you understand that stonewalling damages your relationship, here’s what you can do to combat it:

1. Call a break if you stonewall

If you feel your heart rate increasing, diminishing focus, and defensiveness kicking in, that’s the moment to call a break.

Here are a few things you can say:

• I want to listen to you but this is getting too intense for me. Let’s take a break and resume in 20 minutes
• I feel like I’m about to blow up and I don’t wanna blow up to you. Give me please a few minutes to recollect

And higher power when it was getting too emotional:

• “I want to discuss this, but not at this volume. Let’s take 20 minutes to cool off and talk at 7:00. And please talk to me respectfully.

2. Reframe stonewalling as powerlessness

… Because that’s often exactly what it is.

Stonewalling can be the endpoint of failed agency. It’s men who have given up arguing, negotiating -and winning- that retreat into a silent world.

Men who are in control of their relationships don’t retreat like babies into a silent cave.
They confront the issues and take action. They are good at controlling frames and enforcing boundaries. If she was wrong, they tell them as such.
If she was right, they are not afraid of admitting it and making good on their words.

The good thing is that many conflicts will disappear once you start engaging because women’s respect increases, and they feel heard.
It’s a positive circle: the less he stonewalls, the fewer reasons for stonewalling he will have.

3. Calm yourself down

Both during arguments and during breaks.

Gottman says men are more likely to think negatively about their partner during the break. Those breaks only make matters worse if you allow negative feelings to fester.
Instead, it’s paramount that you don’t ruminate and truly take your mind to a neutral state.

Some good activities during the break include:

• Take a walk around
• Reading something
• Listen to music

It’s important that you only go back once you are fully calm, and it usually takes more than we think. Stay 5 minutes longer in the break after you already feel fully calm.

4. Trust yourself and engage

Trust yourself that you can handle emotional arguments. And the more you do it, the better you become.
And remind yourself that engaging is good for everyone: for you, for your partner, and for your relationship.

Also read:

TPM Final solution: lead your relationship instead of reacting

Most online guides on stonewalling focus on adapting to your partner’s pace and needs.

In truth, it’s the needier party who adapts the most. We always call for win-win and respecting people on The Power Moves, but agentic men have also other priorities besides their relationship.

Here are a few good stops:

1. Pick supportive women who are willing to adapt to a high value man
2. Set your preferences early on. If you don’t enjoy endless ‘relationship talk’, say it. If your priority is work, say it
3. Set your boundaries early on. If your preferences aren’t being respected, assert your fair boundaries. Do it respectfully, yet resolutely

For the how-to with full scripts and examples, we have a full course on becoming that type of man: