In this article we’ll learn what contempt in relationships is, and how to fix it.

It will give you concrete examples with videos and tell you the steps you -and your partner- need to take to move past contempt.

What is Contempt

The woman displays a contemptuous facial expression, signaling negative levels of respect, dislike, and aggressive intent

Contempt is a form of communication that signals intense dislike and an utter lack of respect.

It can use ridicule, sarcasm, criticism, or body language, but the effect is to make the target feel inferior, lower value, or worthless.

While relationship researcher John Gottman has popularized the concept of contempt in relationships, contemptuous dynamics pertain to power dynamics first and foremost, especially interpersonal power dynamics, and social exchange dynamics.

Specifically, contempt is the opposite of respect. It subcommunicates disdain, superiority, and that the target is of lower value than the speaker.

The contemptuous party takes a position of judgmental superiority as it seeks to embarrass and shame our partner by painting him as unworthy.

Effects: psychological harm, emotional distance & divorce

John Gottman’s research shows that contempt is the single biggest predictor of divorce in both heterosexual and gay couples.

Similar to criticism, but even more powerful, contempt makes relationships unsafe.

And worse than criticism, it makes our partner feel unworthy and inferior.
Contempt is so harmful that it can actively make the target sick. In one of his many books, Gottman says that contempt in a relationship erodes our immune system.

If you let it fester, contempt will drive a wedge between you two and break the emotional bond.
The relationship becomes a place where you need to defend and protect yourself. You don’t go home after a long day and look forward to relaxing.
You go home after a long day and you’re bracing for the next fight. Or walking on eggshells to avoid the next big painful argument.

And when we cannot be our true selves and when we don’t have an emotional connection, guess what? You don’t have a relationship.
Remember this:

Any relationship where distance is safer than closeness is not a relationship.

With time, if you don’t fix contempt, it will make enemies of you two. And at that point breaking up is not only unavoidable, but actually the best solution for both.

Types of Contempt

Chin up is often associated with superiority, while the lip slightly curled is often associated with disgust

Contempt spans the whole gamut, it can be direct and aggressive, or snarky and indirect.

Gottman’s research focuses on contempt heavy in sarcasm and cynicism, the more indirect form. That tends to be more passive-aggressive and more using covert power moves. As with most covert and passive-aggressive communication, it can be difficult for partners to detect and directly confront.
In that sense, indirect contempt is a dark tool of soft power.

Here are some types of contempt:

• Derisive humor
• Contemptuous facial expressions (eye rolling, sneering, raising upper lip.. )
• Exaggerations
• Insults and name-calling (fat, ugly, bitch, loser, etc.)

Let’s see now a few contempt examples to better understand this dynamic:

Examples of Contempt In Relationships

Let’s see now some examples of contempt in relationships:

#1. Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Russell Brand starts off highly critical, but he goes back into a productive stance when he says:

Him: I’ve heard that women do fake orgasms, but I’ve never seen one. It really deeply upset me

That “it really deeply upset me” is a valid hook for opening up and regaining trust.
It’s when she goes into heavy contempt that the fight moves to a new level of nastiness and, potentially, to a point of non-return:

Her: You should have seen yourself at dinner. ‘Oh, I’m Aldous Snow. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. ‘No, no drinks for me, thanks. ‘Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.’ <— Mocks his accent, his choices, and his whole personality

After that, it’s a vicious circle of contempt and criticism.

#2. Terms of Endearment

Jack Nicholson starts opening up and, as it’s often the case for the very first emotional openings, it’s not easy for him.

When partners are opening that’s the moment you want to be the most unjudgmental and open you possibly can. Those are the moments that bond partners together.

Contempt during an emotionally charged conversation is the most damaging because your partner will feel the relationship is not a safe place to be himself.

Let’s watch:

Him: It makes it rough, especially living next door. I’m starting to think I gotta watch what I’m doing… <— Honest and vulnerable conversation
Her: (mocking with a disgusted expression) Bla bla bla <— Contemptuous reaction

He is strong enough to look past the first contemptuous attempt and doesn’t escalate.
But of course, he stops opening up. And you sure can’t blame him when he refuses to turn towards her bid for emotional connection (“I feel humiliated”) and leaves right after.

Note: Jack Nicholson in this movie -and possibly in life- is the type of guy with an avoidant attachment style. The quickest way to make avoidants drop their partners, of course, is by using contempt.

#3. The Life of David Gale

This isn’t a relationship -yet- but it’s clear there’s something between the two already.

Gale: (…) It was Berlin
Constance: (Mocking humor) Ooh great. Oh, that’s great, great. (…) Great. You are so weak (disgusted facial expressions)
Gale: You’re not my wife Constance. Thank God!

Contempt is her sneering at him, looking away, and repeating “great” in a mocking fashion.
She makes him feel unworthy and “inferior”, and ends with a criticism as icing on the cake (you are so weak). Gale’s is a typical defensive reaction with aggression.

#4. Nonverbal Expressions of Contempt

Somehow Rihanna often uses nonverbals or contempt (or at least people love highlighting them):

And:

Text Examples of Contempt

This is an example of contempt with derisive humor:

Her: I’ve been running around all day, then you come back and all you can do is flop on your lazy ass. It’s pathetic. Do you want a bib and a biberon too, that way maybe you can manage to be a bit more pathethic?

This is an example of contempt with exaggeration:

Him: You would rather me to stay in tonight ahaha how unexpected, hooow unexpected (looks away). If I had to let you decide how to live my social life, I’d be here tied up with a gag ball in my mouth

And this is an example of contempt with disdain:

Her: You would wish “these people” would sleep on the floor

The last one is a real-life example.
That was what the mother of an ex-girlfriend of mine said about my parents when she heard they hadn’t yet booked a place to stay.

How to Fix Your Partner’s Contempt

If contempt is the opposite of respect, it means that the foundational fix to contempt is to gain your partner’s respect.

For men, it means you may have been too submissive and passive, lacking masculinity. Or that you were not the most honorable man and have been caught in lies, and then potentially trying to gaslight instead of owning up.

Contempt often stems from powerlessness and ineffectiveness as a man.
The Power Moves is fully dedicated to becoming the type of man who never have to even think about contempt.

For a quick heads-up, focus on:

• Personal power & positive dominance
• Masculinity
• Leadership, including win-win leadership

Or for the quickest solution, go through Power University.

How to Fix Your Contempt

Sometimes contempt is a sign that we don’t appreciate our partner anymore. If that’s the case, you should wonder if the relationship still makes sense.

Some other times, it can be a nasty habit we picked up to signal higher status and higher value.
It works like this: show contempt for others, and you automatically signal that you’re above them. Of course, that often backfires more than it helps.

In either case, you are always well served by examining the source, and removing it from your communication repertoire if you want to give the relationship a shot.
Below are some practical steps to work both on your relationship and on your communication skills.

1. Understanding Our Darker Sides

Some personalities tend to use contempt more than others.

Here are personalities who, in my experience, are more likely to resort to contempt:

• People with a sarcastic wit (example from SATC)
• Passive-aggressive people (example from Knocked Up)
• People whom we often refer to as “mean”
• Haughty people (example of haughty contempt in the picture and in the video)

It takes courage to look at ourselves when we behave as any of the above, but that’s the first step to curing ourselves.

2. Replace Contempt With Direct Communication

Contempt is indirect criticism.

Express your criticism openly instead. Anything is better than contempt.
But since we’re here, learn to express your anger with the complaint format (I feel + state the fact + what your partner can do to help you).

3. Work On Your Feelings

There can be many causes of negative feelings that aren’t always our partner’s fault (thoguh, they may be, of course).

If negative outlooks have engulfed the relationship, it may be because one has a tendency for over-competitiveness, sometimes related to narcissistic rivalry.
Or it may be related to high independence and resenting the obligation of being in a relationship.

You could consider therapy, but the basics are simple: rid yourself of negative feelings and start liking your partner again.

Here are a few ways:

3.1 Look for positives

The biggest secret of a happy life is focusing on the positives.

Contempt grows its ugly roots in an environment where we see our partners in a constantly negative light. But it’s rarely the case that our partner is as negative as we sometimes imagine.

Focusing on the positives will not only make your life better overall, but it will also help eliminate contempt and make your relationship better.

3.2 Revisit your past

Including happy events of the past can help couples reconnect. You can also relive together of the best moments you’ve had. How you met, your first dates, your honeymoon.

4. A culture of appreciation

While this is more ‘couple counsellor’ therapy than we usually go for at TPM, if your goal is working on the relationship, then it’s a perfectly valid approach.

As you revisit your past and focus on the positives, build a culture that constantly celebrates the beauty of your relationship.

Evening rituals, sitting down for lunch, weekend getaways, date nights, etc.
Celebrate your partnership, and contempt will have no space in a content relationship.

Summary

Contempt in relationships signals a total lack of respect and predicts breakups and divorces.

Often contempt is a sign that the contemptuous person doesn’t appreciate or value the target of contempt anymore. In some cases, though, it may be a communication habit that’s been mistakenly picked up as a tactic to ‘signal higher value‘. In the latter cases, you can fix it with self-work.

Further Reading

• Fix the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling)
• Turn towards and build an emotional connection
• Accept influence

The Ultimate Fix: Self-Empowerment

If you’re a man and you’re at the receiving end of contempt, we suggest addressing your personal power first and foremost. Become a man who gains her partner’s respect, and that will automatically fix contempt for you. See: