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Power duck's journal
*Correction: book is "The psychology of social status".
Checking power move pulled by class mate:
Female friend a: were going to the supermarket.
PD: now? Hahaha, walking or by car?
Female friend a: by car, there's no way I'm going walking.
PD: what are you gonna buy?
Female friend: a salad
Female mate a: what do you think they are going to buy in a supermarket? A microwave? A washing machine? What a question
PD: well there's lots of food in a supermarket.
They start chatting and don't hear/ignore what I'm saying. At this point I know what's going on and already thinking to correct this.
20 seconds later:
Female mate a talking to another guy next to me: some people have a face as if they were smelling a fart, they have a face of not wanting to live.
PD: mate a does definitely talk good about other people.
Female mate a: but it's true they have a face as if they were smelling a fart, ugly faces.
PD to the guy: imagine what she thinks if she says that.
Guy laughs
Female mate a: I think worse things about you
PD: thank you mate a
........
PD: so you were saying you buy microwaves at the supermarket (reframe last power move as something literal instead of irony meant to frame me as an idiot.)
Female friend a: yeah blablabla
PD: well luck finding the microwaves there
Guy agrees and she thread expands on the joke.
PD: you don't find children in the supermarket either. People trafficking isn't something that has adapted to supermarkets yet.
Guy and mate a thread expand on the joke.
PD: well have luck finding children there.
Both of them: bye.
If you have any feedback about this, happy to read.
Assertiveness/surfacing/being straight is out of question, since it was a "joke" and they wouldnt agree with it being disrespectful. Maybe I overdid the counterattack however better to overdo a bit rather than fall short.
I'm quite proud that I'm able to detach from the situation and see what's happening right at that moment without letting that affect my self esteem, thinking:
- She pulls power move.
- They ignore.
- Yep they think I'm lower status/value than them, and they are disempowering me, all that explains them ignoring me.
- I'm going to change this right away :)
Power protect but without caring about disempowering others.
Apparently when I power protect others a fear to "disempower" said person appears in my mind. As a result either I get nervous and overthink or I power protect too much.
So again detach from the situation and don't care too much about the outcome. These days I haven't been to mindful about power protecting and, so far, no one has died because of it.
Increased energy and extroversion after nofap:
About more than a year ago I abstained from masturbation and pornography for 7 months, since I thought that masturbation alone would do no harm I quit this practice and kept as usual trying to keep porn at bay. Right after that my usual dominance and high power behaviour stopped, my female "friends" started to one up me and manipulate me and a friend that was attracted to me started to disrespect me too.
Funny enough this past weeks I've been starting again with nofap, interestingly the behaviour that I developed after 3 months of nofap now appear after a week and they increase after flirting with girls and seeing success. Gaining status also increases those behaviours but not as much as flirting and cold approaches, those behaviours being:
- Increased energy, sometimes exagerated amounts of energy.
- Higher power behaviour.
- Increased extraversion.
- Sometimes increased libido.
- Increased motivation to pursue/seek a sexual partner.
- Seeking more stimulation/novelty/activities be it intelectual or physical.
Sum that with the fact that some elite athletes usually abstain from sex months before a big game, and with the fact that in my case those behaviours disappear after stopping said practise.
I'm no expert in the matter but those behaviours are usually caused by increased testosterone from what I know, and although the experiment with males abstaining from sex/masturbation for a week is said to prove that nofap is useless for the long term, my personal experience says otherwise.
Handling people disempowering themselves (and yourself) after compliments:
Today in the WA group of the debate association the following happened:
PD: x the cake for when
X: for when I'm not a busy girl anymore
PD: ok, I wanna try it (in Spanish I used a less personal way of saying this, it doesn't make sense in English though)
X: hahah, it isn't anything from another world. (downplays my compliment and her cooking skills, however she also addresses the warmth in my message with the laugh)
PD: it doesn't matter, if it's bakery it will be good.
My response isn't that bad, I slightly address the frame that it won't be good. But I dont say that it will be good. Also I correct my compliment being downplayed.
What I say is pretty much: "I like bakery so I will like any bakery-related thing you do, regardless of it's quality", loving cakes isn't anything rare (to me it sounds a bit feminine though), so it isn't a frame that disempowering.
I believe the following response would've been golden:
X: hahaha, it isn't anything from another world.
PD: well, we will see that (I would put a wink here, but I don't want to openly flirt or let others set that frame in a WA group)
PD sends sticker.
- I address the frame that it won't be that good, suggesting the opposite could be true.
- I don't impose my frame since the fact that it wont be good has yet to be seen.
- It's high power&warmth.
- My compliment isn't downplayed.
A variation of this with other compliments could be:
"I wouldn't be so sure about that".
Ex:
PD: man you're good at x.
Man: nah I'm not that good, Im average
PD: Im not so sure about that (with a smirk)
If you have any ideas, happy to hear.
Rock on Power Duck, your second one is much better indeed.
Even a more uplifting "I'm sure it'll be good ;)" would work.
It's also high power for simply not accepting her (disempowering) frame and, indirectly, setting you/the crowd as the judges.
Your original reply, in my opinion, is too stuck at trading power move.
It leaves her worse off (ie.: "doesn't matter what crap you make, if there's sugar it's OK"), but also you worse off (too touchy/defensive), and brings down the whole group (as Kavalier mentioned in the welcome thread, good power skills aren't just for power but for the benefits of the group as well).
But of course, it's just a single line of text, so no biggies.
Take action and learn and tweak and fly higher and higher :)
+1 to Lucio's answer. I also think that the analysis (mindset) conditioned the answer.
In my view she's way more disempowering to her than to you. So I think it's more important to re-empower her than you. Having her accept your compliment is win-win for her and the group: if she's awesome for some characteristic (cooking or otherwise), then it means the group has a high value individual in it. So win-win as said before.
So I think your implied compliment was value-adding leadership: if you wanna try the cake you imply you think it's good, hence her (low self-esteem/low confidence defensive) answer.
I think that it's one of those cases where Lucio's advice on re-empowering someone who self-disempowered apply here (as in his post above).
Here is an additional proposition:
Girl: hahah, it isn't anything from another world. (downplays my compliment and her cooking skills, however she also addresses the warmth in my message with the laugh)
PD: your modesty won't prevent me from tasting it! :)
Here, one gives her another chance to accept the compliment. Modesty is another compliment. So it's quite risky as if this person has not learned yet to accept compliment, her default might be to reject this one as well. So the humour is also there to soften/lubricate the whole thing. It's easier to accept something containing humour.
Thanks Lucio.
Even a more uplifting "I'm sure it'll be good ;)" would work.
It's also high power for simply not accepting her (disempowering) frame and, indirectly, setting you/the crowd as the judges.
Your original reply, in my opinion, is too stuck at trading power move.
It leaves her worse off (ie.: "doesn't matter what crap you make, if there's sugar it's OK"), but also you worse off (too touchy/defensive), and brings down the whole group (as Kavalier mentioned in the welcome thread, good power skills aren't just for power but for the benefits of the group as well).
Noted :).
Take action and learn and tweak and fly higher and higher 🙂
Sky's the limit🦅.
Quote from John Freeman on November 22, 2023, 6:13 pmYeah an addition: I think also that the analysis conditioned the answer.
In my view she's way more disempowering her than you. So I think it's more important to re-empower her than you. All in all having her accept your compliment is win-win for her and the group: if she's awesome for some characteristic (cooking or otherwise), then it means the group has a high value individual in it. So win-win.
So I think your implied compliment was value-adding leadership: if you wanna try it you imply it's good, hence her (low self-esteem/low confidence defensive) answer.
I think that it's one of those cases where Lucio's advice on re-empowering someone who self-disempowered apply here (as in his post above).
Here is an additional proposition:
Girl: hahah, it isn't anything from another world. (downplays my compliment and her cooking skills, however she also addresses the warmth in my message with the laugh)
PD: your modesty won't prevent me from tasting it! 🙂
Here, one gives her another chance to accept the compliment. Modesty is another compliment. So it's quite risky as if this person has not learned yet to accept compliment, her default might be to reject this one as well. So the humour is also there to soften/lubricate the whole thing. It's easier to accept something containing humour
Thanks John.
It's easier to accept something containing humour.
Will bear this in mind in cases like this.
Your response has also made realize that sometimes I'm too stuck in whether or not something disempowers only me instead of seeing the bigger picture. I'll have to get in the habit of looking for the deeper frames before giving responses in cases like this, this isn't self defense, it's value adding leadership as you mention.
Cheers.
P.S:
Might start writing stock responses in cases like this along with the deeper frames on paper. May serve as a good exercise in order to spot frames faster.
Quote from Power Duck on November 22, 2023, 6:20 pm
Your response has also made realize that sometimes I'm too stuck in whether or not something disempowers only me instead of seeing the bigger picture. I'll have to get in the habit of looking for the deeper frames before giving responses in cases like this, this isn't self defense, it's value adding leadership as you mention.
Happy it makes sense for you, man.
Regarding your answer, you might be interested in this post about the learning process. Credit to Lucio.
