Former Community – We Moved
🆕 Coached community here, for posts & feedback public community here.
Power duck's journal
I've lost my drive. I don't have goals or objectives anymore. I've lost the ideals that used to push me forward in moments of doubt and that made me want to push myself to the limits.
I can't always count on emotions, I must write a list with goals I want to accomplish, motivation will come and go, I won't let the horse overpower the rider.
I've reached the conclusion that all this time I didn't actually believe enough in myself to change and improve. I believed in the possibility that maybe "eventually" (god knows when) something would click in my brain and I would change, moreover each time I tried to be productive and change for the better a voice deep in my head told me: "You know you aren't going to change this bad habit do you? You're going to start procrastinating again in 2 or 3 days" or "You know your social skills aren't going to improve that much in a week or a month and you aren't ever going to get the results you want right?"
I believe this has affected my motivation and drive to change, believing that any effort you put into almost anything is going to be futile has to affect how you approach problems and how much you commit to change. Just the fact that I felt uncomfortable when aknowledging the fact that this thought pattern affects me already tells me quite some things.
The power of the unconscious always surprises me, no matter how self aware you think you are, your mind always has a way to hide things from you. Humility is definitely important if one doesn't want to be ruled by the it.
Totally agree. If you want to work on your subconscious mind there are several tools out there that I use:
- Vision boards
- My story
- Affirmations
- Subliminals
They do work. The trick is in how to use them and they don't work by themselves. They help change the subconscious mind. That's why I went back to using them.
There is also the funeral exercise.
Quote from John Freeman on August 1, 2023, 9:20 pmTotally agree. If you want to work on your subconscious mind there are several tools out there that I use:
- Vision boards
- My story
- Affirmations
- Subliminals
They do work. The trick is in how to use them and they don't work by themselves. They help change the subconscious mind. That's why I went back to using them.
There is also the funeral exercise.
Thanks John :)
I'll give them a look tonight.
PU:
I'll spend this week studying more for power university as I will need to improve for the debate club. Written here to keep myself accountable.
BEHAVIOURS
Thanking back when gratitude is genuine.
Quoting John:
As a default when the gratitude is genuine (social credit acknowledgment), I practice:
1. Thanking back
2. I’m glad it was helpful : this is new I started using on Lucio’s advice on the forum. In real life I think it’s for the cases when thanking back is not totally appropriate. For instance when you don’t know what thanking back them for. And when just thanking back feels a little awkward. So it’s a second option.
Quote from Power Duck on August 4, 2023, 12:54 amPU:
I'll spend this week studying more for power university as I will need to improve for the debate club. Written here to keep myself accountable.
From now on study PU with an objective in mind be it to increase frame control skills, self defense, networking skills, etc.
That is reading multiple times the same sections, studying case studies, searching for interactions to analyze the dynamics, making schemes to internalize the knowledge, making to-do lists to apply the knowledge learned in real life, etc.
Will make daily updates about the things I learnt here to keep myself accountable.
- Starting with frame skills and frame control.
Effective use of silver bullet technique to surface nastiness:
Currently visiting some relatives. These past days the husbands of two cousins have been playing power moves on me. Most of the time I defended with half as*ed frame control "techniques", basically whatever came to mind. Today after eating a dish one of them made today, the following interaction occured:
Cousin's husband slaps me in the back of the head before asking(not hard but with enough force to move my head) (all the interaction is done in jest and with smiles and laughs, still very disempowering if unchecked)
Cousin's husband: so how was that dish
Power Duck: what a strange way to ask.
*Some laughs after my comment*
Cousin's husband: what a strange way to ask? If you were from here you would know that people from here are hitting each other the whole time
Father: son listen, here that's normal.
Power Duck: well I might start behaving more like the people here then.
Father: start then
Power Duck: come here
I could've improved certain things here:
Cousin's husband: so how was that
Power Duck: what a way to ask/ I hope you don't ask that way to everyone
Another thing I could've improved with shaming:
Father: son listen, here that's normal
Power Duck: well I'm sure not everyone here in the town is a savage.
It's really importan to do the surfacing while "joking" otherwise it's very likely you'll come across as thin skinned.
Yep, you can sure always improve and find better ways, but you took the first step, and it was solid.
Well done to you!
Another option to surface the actual power dynamics:
You: Would you ask the mayor / priest (or anyone who is high-power / authority / prestige) in that same way?
So the goal here is to say that no, it's not true that "everyone does it to everyone".
They only do it with those they feel like they can "allow themselves".
Even just by saying that, you surface that it's not like they say at all, and that it's a game they play on each other, or on those lower status for scraps of power.
Whatever he replies (and they'd probably deny or refuse your frame in some other way):
You: no, you wouldn't. Then don't do it to me either
Something like that.
Hello Power Duck,
I agree. The most important step is that you started to self-signal: "I'm not taking this anymore". Rinse and Repeat.
A suggestion: if you want you could experiment with "I" communication in your assertion and setting your boundaries. For instance:
Father: son listen, here that's normal.
Power Duck: well I don't like it.
My analysis of the sub-communication:
Power Duck: what a strange way to ask.
Frames him as being weird, that is an out-group (abnormal behaviour).
*Some laughs after my comment*
The group sides with the attacker and therefore frames you as the out-group.
Cousin's husband: what a strange way to ask? If you were from here you would know that people from here are hitting each other the whole time
Follow-up on above: frame is "you're not one of us, you're the out-group".
Father: son listen, here that's normal.
Follow the norm.
Power Duck: well I might start behaving more like the people here then.
If you guys are being disagreeable I can start being disagreeable.
Father: start then
It's good that you follow the norm.
So to me, you could consider avoiding to enter their frame. I agree with you: it's a great idea to focus on studying frames in PU. We use them on a daily basis. Great ROI.
To me the frame "battle" was: "slapping people in the back of the head is normal" vs "it's not normal".
In a group setting I feel it's a difficult (but not impossible) battle to win when the rest of the group agrees on the norm. I think "I don't like it/I don't accept it/I don't want it" is a more solid frame.
That allows you to still be part of the group but not accepting everything as in: "I love you guys and be part of this family. It's not about this. It's about this behaviour that I don't like/accept being done to me".
And people cannot deny what you think and feel. It's not about "what's normal" (a social negotiation) anymore. It's about what you think and feel. People may not respect it but expressing it signals to yourself that you respect yourself. Nobody can take this away from you.
