Former Community – We Moved
🆕 Coached community here, for posts & feedback public community here.
Power duck's journal
Hello Power Duck,
thanks for your trust. A caveat: about my opinions and suggestions. If it makes sense to you I emphasized that it's worth experimenting. We're all different. This is how I would go about it. Maybe you have a different communication style and context matters a lot.
Like this one:
Avoid too much power protecting with confrontational people.
I meant on a forum if you have a conflict with someone you don't know (so lots of room for interpretation/imagination on the other person's character and intentions on both sides and sometimes negative interpretations). If the person is out to dominate you and not interested in win-win, if one starts to power-protect too much the other person might smell "weakness" and take advantage of it by increasing his/her own dominance. As in:
Person A: if you don't mind and it's ok with you I would like to discuss a topic with you.
Person B (out to dominate): well I actually mind, there's absolutely no reason to discuss this topic.
Power protecting empowers the other person. So if the other empowered person is an a-hole now we have an empowered a-hole.
That's how I view it I hope it makes sense.
So these are ideas and suggestions not laws in my mind. Lucio talked about the "feel" and I think it applies here. To me, it's more about reading an idea testing it out and see how it goes. Context matters a lot, along with personal experience, personality and communication style. We all learn differently though. Up to you what works better for you. I personally prefer "ideas" to "laws" as they are more fluid.
Thanks John.
I think you're on point with the fact that "ideas" are preferable to "laws".
I can think about a thing or two I took as a law and that it would be better to take as an idea.
Agree with the assh*le part.
"How to get away with murder" seems to be a good show to learn power dynamics. It's full of manipulation, nasty characters, and frame battles.
Thing learned from this post.
After some thought I've realized that actually I had the wrong mindset the whole time:
- I didn't want to add value, I was power hungry.
If I had wanted to add value in the first place I wouldn't have entered in nasty fights to see who's the leader. I would've simply focused in the objective and tried to achieve it with the easiest and fastest way. A.k.a. the high power way.
NOTE:
- Defend yourself when you lead and somebody disrespects you/pulls power moves.
Enter in fights over the leadership position, when nobody disrespected you.
(When I say "you" I mean "me" of course)
She is and was nasty for sure, but my mindset was still wrong. Not high quality in the least.
- In order to fix an anxious attachment style one has to deal with "inner child" related problems.
Quote from Power Duck on August 20, 2023, 12:24 am
- In order to fix an anxious attachment style one has to deal with "inner child" related problems.
Totally agree.
The key here is becoming able to see what was done to oneself (usually by parents) and feel the pain that it caused.
Once felt by acknowledging the real source and cause, the pain is forever removed.
This in turn decreases the degree of emotional instability one feels, and thus the degree to which others can emotionally provoke him.
Thanks Bel.
I agree about the fact that becoming aware of the damage received by family members does help with attachment styles.
In my case I recently discovered that I had forgotten about horrible things my parents did to me when I was still a kid. Don't know how I forgot about those things, although I don't think it's chance that I did.
Amongst the things I remember:
- Being shouted, mocked and intimidated when I didn't understand the school subject my parents were teaching me.
- Being kicked out of home each time I took to long to finish breakfast. My mother obliged me to finish my breakfast in the stairwell of the flat building we used to live in, alongside mosquitos and flies.
- Being insulted, shouted and intimidated by my father one time I didn't behave correctly when I was a kid.
- Being brought to school in pijamas while I ate my breakfast because I was taking too long to finish it (and because she obliged me to finish it). As well as my mother menacing me to drop me in a small road alongside town, even having me step out of the car if I didn't finish it quicker. In the end I got dressed inside of the car in front of the school.
- My aunt mocking me and calling me dumb because of me not doing things in the way she wanted to.
- Being shouted or mocked each time I spilled food or water in my clothes or in the ground.
- My uncle once slapping me in the back of my head because I didn't hear correctly an order he gave me.
Seems like my old self did a good job keeping all these things hidden, can't blame him for it though 😬.
About attachment styles, I believe that an unhealthy attachment style can be confused with emotional manipulation:
A week ago I was romantically interested and talking with a girl that I believe was using me for attention. At the beginning I started to get a bit obsessed with her, after some time I realized that my obsession wasn't so much because of my attachment style but because of her power moves and because of her trying to use intermittent reinforcement on me (she first gave me attention and asked me to chat online several times and then ghosted me). As soon as this thought came to my mind, the obsession and inadequacy almost disappeared.
About the rest of the things you mention, I totally agree. I already solved some issues some time ago, that would explain me caring way less about others opinions as well as solving my social anxiety. However dating still triggers my past traumas, the fact that I don't get dates doesn't help to be honest, still this is more a matter of how I interpret reality rather than about the results I get.
I will keep working on it.
Cheers.
P.S:
This will serve as a good note to read from time to time too.
Maybe I got a bit emotional in that response and note.
Still I have to keep in mind the most important stuff: I have already overcome most of my issues, all I have to do is deal with whatever stuff is left. I have already done and solved things I never imagined I could.
The world is full of evil and suffering, which is precisely the reason for which I won't give up and won't let my current circumstances dictate who I am or who I will be.
Post deleted
Hello Power Duck,
First, I want to say sorry to hear that man, it always sucks to hear of a child that was not treated well.
And on the other hand, there is also the part of me that wants to share with you the very un-common take that I'm actually glad you're going through this (albeit it may be a bit painful at times).
It's not just a "rediscovery" and learning.
It's an awakening.
I remember when we were kids there was this "challenge sweet".
The challenge was that it tasted awful at first, but that if you stuck with it, then you'd get to the sweet part.
I see this similarly: you go through this and it's painful.
But you're also healing AND empowering yourself mentally and skill-wise as you learn.
And this second part is much bigger and better for you.
And there's probably a new phoenix/eagle you rising from the ashes.
