Former Community – We Moved
🆕 Coached community here, for posts & feedback public community here.
What I'm Doing, (Maybe Where :) ) & Why
Or, or... Better yet.
Since spending a lot of time reviewing average products is a waste of time and life, you can also make a short snippet-like review with a rating, mention whether or not it's worth the price in your opinion, and we'll use it for the reviews page (and mark it as "Ali's review", or however you prefer to sign yourself).
Awesome idea, Lucio! I think that's a great compromise.
I like to do extensive reviews that help people walk away with value as if they took the course themself.
So, another concern I had was whether or not it would be worth or even capable of a full review since Instant Network is so short:
That's the entire course.
It's only six lessons long, each one containing only one video that's an hour or less. (That's so far, the final three haven't opened up yet.)
The social skills course, "How to Talk To Anybody" (HTTA), seems pretty good information-wise. And, I haven't gotten into the third one yet.
So, right now, I'm thinking about doing a full review on HTTA since there's some value inside there that the TPM community might enjoy. And, a shorter review on Instant Network to be fair.
We can decide about the third one together when I take a look.
What do you think of that idea, Lucio?
P.S. This would all be when I've finished all of the courses so I can make a more well-rounded review.
Yeah, these would be criteria to meet for a bigger review:
- Topic relevant to TPM: so in the networking strategies, the social skills, the dating / seduction content, the leadership stuff. Entrepreneurship or product launches might be too off-topic for a standalone review, but still great for the shorter "review" entry
- High quality: does the course deserve a review? To deserve one, it must be a good course / book / coaching / whatever. If not high quality, then the smaller review snippet will do as a warning for potential buyers
Hi Ali, thank you a lot for sharing! Very detailed and I learned a lot.
May I ask you how did DMR changed your life?
I am asking this because I am trying to build better mindsets by myself right now.
Selffriend, I just spent a good 15 or so minutes typing a detailed response for you. And, when I hit send, the forum rejected it.
Apparently, the response took me so long I was logged out of the forum automatically. Hehe, my fault for being a slow typer and for not copying it before hitting "send" just in case.
Don't worry, I'm going to type up a response for you tomorrow. And, I'll make it even better than what I wrote before :).
Quote from Ali Scarlett on April 5, 2021, 3:00 amSelffriend, I just spent a good 15 or so minutes typing a detailed response for you. And, when I hit send, the forum rejected it.
Apparently, the response took me so long I was logged out of the forum automatically. Hehe, my fault for being a slow typer and for not copying it before hitting "send" just in case.
Don't worry, I'm going to type up a response for you tomorrow. And, I'll make it even better than what I wrote before :).
Hi Ali, I am so sorry to hear that. I also feel so privileged to be in this fantastic community with great people like you.
Please take you time as personal development is a long, long journey. I can wait for you for any number of days.
Hi @ratdodo, thanks for saying that, but I do my best to keep my word. I got you :).
How My Daily Mindset Routine (DMR) Has Changed My Life
Context
I've always admired Lucio's article, "The 10 Traits of High-Value Men (W/ Examples)".
Being someone who was alone and lonely for a long time, I always wanted to be high-value so I could be more socially attractive to the people I wanted in my life. When I read Lucio's article for the first time, I felt like I could actually measure how far along I was on that journey to becoming high-value.
I decided I could simply go through each trait and develop them one at a time until I had achieved them all. The only question became the "how" of how exactly I would measure when I had fully developed a trait so I could check it off of my list of goals.
Some traits were easy to measure. Take, for example, the "He Takes Care of Himself" trait. One of those "sub-traits" was exercising. So, I rationalized that I could exercise six days a week to check that sub-trait off of the list. I could stock my fridge with healthy food to "Eat Well" and continue through PU to continue learning and investing in myself. Boom. It would be measured and it would be done.
Others were more difficult to measure. Emotional intelligence? A secure attachment style?
So, for the trickier traits, instead of measuring the development of the traits themselves, I decided to develop the habits that would develop these traits. And, measure the habits' development so I could still track my progress.
Enter, the daily mindset routine (DMR) habit.
1. Better Assertiveness
I figured I'd start with the benefit I've seen that's probably most important to you, Lucius: more social power.
When Lucio updated PU with the assertiveness lesson, I was hooked. I realized I was being more passive and passive-aggressive than I'd like to be. Worse, was the realization that my behavior was low-quality to where, if left unchecked, it could be damaging to my relationships.
So, I made my way to the DESOE framework. I was excited. "Another absolutely underrated, life-changing gem that they don't teach in school," I thought.
When I tried it for the first time, I fumbled. It was difficult trying to make sure I hit every letter in the acronym in order, maintained positive sentence structure throughout my entire response, and projected socially powerful body language, vocal tonality, and so on. It became difficult finding the words to say because the DESOE framework felt so long when it came time to use it.
Well, ever since my DMR, it's been significantly easier. The DESOE framework feels simple, straightforward, and shorter than before. And, that alone has given me numerous more benefits, the main one being freedom.
I feel free to do whatever I want regardless of if it gets a negative reaction. And, if someone has a problem with anything I do, then we can talk about it. If they want to be disrespectful or unfair, I can go assertive. If they're fair and respectful, I get great feedback.
Either way, life is better now with less concern about the judgment of others now that I feel like I can assertively handle that judgment.
2. Persuasive Frame Control
My frame control has improved and I attribute that more to practice and reflection on my social interactions than my DMR. The reason I put it here anyway is because of some realizations you may be interested to hear.
I realize that before my DMR, my frame control was good yet riddled with mistakes in my responses. Now, these days, my frame control is quicker, far more persuasive and I have an easier time getting what I want.
An incredible feeling indeed when up against gatekeepers or people with generally more domain authority who have the power to shut down your requests and have every right to do so. Managing to pull off becoming exceptions to their rules makes one feel all the more grateful for PU as well as for one's positive habits.
3. More Antifragile
My self-esteem has improved in a somewhat unorthodox way.
I still get nervous deep down, yet I still manage to do all of the things someone with high-self esteem (who isn't at all nervous) would do. And, that still scores me some social points in situations where others see me believing I'm "confident" and deep down I know I'm still a work in progress.
This has been very beneficial for my networking efforts with celebrities, CEOs, and generally high-status individuals who look at self-esteem as a possible competence trigger.
4. More Emotional Control
I think this is due more to my meditations than anything else, but I no longer feel the desire or urge to dominate someone. The short-term gratification of being more powerful than someone doesn't feel as persuasive as the thought of losing a possible friend or damaging a relationship I care about.
In other words, in difficult situations, I'm able to do a better job at caring less about winning and more about maintaining the relationship.
The crazy part is, I've also managed to do a better job at channeling my anger into a socially powerful response. When I'm being yelled at, for example, I feel all of the emotions of anger. I feel my heart rate speed up as if my body is getting ready to lash out. I feel my chest tighten a bit and my legs tense up as if my body wants to get ready for physical confrontation. But, my head feels focused. Maybe not always calm, but focused. And, all of that anger gets channeled into a response that ends the interaction in a way where I walk away satisfied with having let them know I don't appreciate their behavior.
*Note: As an added side note, I'm glad I still get somewhat angry. I'm not interested in becoming a "Smart Alec" who maintains his cool with an elitist attitude while getting underneath your skin.
5. More Power Strategies
I keep a digital notebook around on me at all times in case I get a great idea. Right now, I'm using a phone app called TickTick.
Ever since my DMR, I've had idea after idea pop into my head about new mindsets and power dynamics strategies. My notes are loaded and every time I read one, I think about posting them all, then get concerned about flooding the forum, and, finally, end up saying to myself, "I'll do it some other time."
Now, I asked good questions before my DMR. I also had some pretty good ideas. But, if you ask me, these ideas aren't just, "Hey guys, what do you think of this?" kinds of ideas. These are, "Man, when the active TPM members read this, they're going to have a field day," kinds of ideas.
6. More...
In addition to the benefits listed above, here are some of the benefits I recorded in my habit development journal:
- Avoid sleep paralysis
- Avoid trouble with thinking and concentration
- Avoid memory issues
- Reduce feelings of depression and stress
- Reduce poor decision-making
- Reduce negative thinking/thoughts
- Reduce emotional vulnerability
- Prevent productivity-loss
- Reduce poor problem-solving
- Take more control of my days (and my life)
- Focus each day on my purpose (i.e. my WHY)
- Prevent motivation-loss
There are a couple of other benefits I left out, such as the mentally freeing feeling of getting your thoughts out onto paper during the mind dump. But, I think you got the gist of it :)
Quote from Ali Scarlett on April 5, 2021, 5:12 pmHi @ratdodo, thanks for saying that, but I do my best to keep my word. I got you :).
How My Daily Mindset Routine (DMR) Has Changed My Life
Context
I've always admired Lucio's article, "The 10 Traits of High-Value Men (W/ Examples)".
Being someone who was alone and lonely for a long time, I always wanted to be high-value so I could be more socially attractive to the people I wanted in my life. When I read Lucio's article for the first time, I felt like I could actually measure how far along I was on that journey to becoming high-value.
I decided I could simply go through each trait and develop them one at a time until I had achieved them all. The only question became the "how" of how exactly I would measure when I had fully developed a trait so I could check it off of my list of goals.
Some traits were easy to measure. Take, for example, the "He Takes Care of Himself" trait. One of those "sub-traits" was exercising. So, I rationalized that I could exercise six days a week to check that sub-trait off of the list. I could stock my fridge with healthy food to "Eat Well" and continue through PU to continue learning and investing in myself. Boom. It would be measured and it would be done.
Others were more difficult to measure. Emotional intelligence? A secure attachment style?
So, for the trickier traits, instead of measuring the development of the traits themselves, I decided to develop the habits that would develop these traits. And, measure the habits' development so I could still track my progress.
Enter, the daily mindset routine (DMR) habit.
1. Better Assertiveness
I figured I'd start with the benefit I've seen that's probably most important to you, Lucius: more social power.
When Lucio updated PU with the assertiveness lesson, I was hooked. I realized I was being more passive and passive-aggressive than I'd like to be. Worse, was the realization that my behavior was low-quality to where, if left unchecked, it could be damaging to my relationships.
So, I made my way to the DESOE framework. I was excited. "Another absolutely underrated, life-changing gem that they don't teach in school," I thought.
When I tried it for the first time, I fumbled. It was difficult trying to make sure I hit every letter in the acronym in order, maintained positive sentence structure throughout my entire response, and projected socially powerful body language, vocal tonality, and so on. It became difficult finding the words to say because the DESOE framework felt so long when it came time to use it.
Well, ever since my DMR, it's been significantly easier. The DESOE framework feels simple, straightforward, and shorter than before. And, that alone has given me numerous more benefits, the main one being freedom.
I feel free to do whatever I want regardless of if it gets a negative reaction. And, if someone has a problem with anything I do, then we can talk about it. If they want to be disrespectful or unfair, I can go assertive. If they're fair and respectful, I get great feedback.
Either way, life is better now with less concern about the judgment of others now that I feel like I can assertively handle that judgment.
2. Persuasive Frame Control
My frame control has improved and I attribute that more to practice and reflection on my social interactions than my DMR. The reason I put it here anyway is because of some realizations you may be interested to hear.
I realize that before my DMR, my frame control was good yet riddled with mistakes in my responses. Now, these days, my frame control is quicker, far more persuasive and I have an easier time getting what I want.
An incredible feeling indeed when up against gatekeepers or people with generally more domain authority who have the power to shut down your requests and have every right to do so. Managing to pull off becoming exceptions to their rules makes one feel all the more grateful for PU as well as for one's positive habits.
3. More Antifragile
My self-esteem has improved in a somewhat unorthodox way.
I still get nervous deep down, yet I still manage to do all of the things someone with high-self esteem (who isn't at all nervous) would do. And, that still scores me some social points in situations where others see me believing I'm "confident" and deep down I know I'm still a work in progress.
This has been very beneficial for my networking efforts with celebrities, CEOs, and generally high-status individuals who look at self-esteem as a possible competence trigger.
4. More Emotional Control
I think this is due more to my meditations than anything else, but I no longer feel the desire or urge to dominate someone. The short-term gratification of being more powerful than someone doesn't feel as persuasive as the thought of losing a possible friend or damaging a relationship I care about.
In other words, in difficult situations, I'm able to do a better job at caring less about winning and more about maintaining the relationship.
The crazy part is, I've also managed to do a better job at channeling my anger into a socially powerful response. When I'm being yelled at, for example, I feel all of the emotions of anger. I feel my heart rate speed up as if my body is getting ready to lash out. I feel my chest tighten a bit and my legs tense up as if my body wants to get ready for physical confrontation. But, my head feels focused. Maybe not always calm, but focused. And, all of that anger gets channeled into a response that ends the interaction in a way where I walk away satisfied with having let them know I don't appreciate their behavior.
*Note: As an added side note, I'm glad I still get somewhat angry. I'm not interested in becoming a "Smart Alec" who maintains his cool with an elitist attitude while getting underneath your skin.
5. More Power Strategies
I keep a digital notebook around on me at all times in case I get a great idea. Right now, I'm using a phone app called TickTick.
Ever since my DMR, I've had idea after idea pop into my head about new mindsets and power dynamics strategies. My notes are loaded and every time I read one, I think about posting them all, then get concerned about flooding the forum, and, finally, end up saying to myself, "I'll do it some other time."
Now, I asked good questions before my DMR. I also had some pretty good ideas. But, if you ask me, these ideas aren't just, "Hey guys, what do you think of this?" kinds of ideas. These are, "Man, when the active TPM members read this, they're going to have a field day," kinds of ideas.
6. More...
In addition to the benefits listed above, here are some of the benefits I recorded in my habit development journal:
- Avoid sleep paralysis
- Avoid trouble with thinking and concentration
- Avoid memory issues
- Reduce feelings of depression and stress
- Reduce poor decision-making
- Reduce negative thinking/thoughts
- Reduce emotional vulnerability
- Prevent productivity-loss
- Reduce poor problem-solving
- Take more control of my days (and my life)
- Focus each day on my purpose (i.e. my WHY)
- Prevent motivation-loss
There are a couple of other benefits I left out, such as the mentally freeing feeling of getting your thoughts out onto paper during the mind dump. But, I think you got the gist of it ?
Boom! Well done! Thanks for sharing your wisdom, Ali. Now I cannot wait to learn more about DMR methods. How can I get started?
I feel what you felt: my button has been easily pushed by others (section 4); I find assertiveness and frame control are easy to learn, but hard to put in actual practice.
For example, if I am texting or emailing, taking five minutes to think, then I kind of know how to be assertive or hold the frame. But in real life, this is what happening:
HB (a new girl met at a party come sit beside me): Oh, you really want to sit beside me. (playful tone)
Me: I have been staying here for a while.
My response was defending and justifying, not a high-value man would do, I think. Moreover, I am taking her words serious. If I think for a while, I might come-up with something like a bad-boy:
HB: Oh, you really want to sit beside me (playful tone)
Me: Nah, I don't want to sit beside you. I want to sit on you.
Quote from selffriend on April 5, 2021, 8:17 pm
How can I get started?
My updated DMR is:
- 20 minutes of self-awareness silence meditation/mindfulness meditation
- 10 minutes of journaling ("mind dump" session: journal out all of your thoughts)
- 5 minutes of visualization (visualize living a day in your dream life from a first-person POV)
- [Optional] 2.5 minutes of prayer
It's a habit, so I recommend you take a look at Ultimate Power's habit section to get started. Then, if you have any trouble, you can check back here and we can discuss it.
You can also check out the book Lucio recommends, Atomic Habits by James Clear. Or, one of my personal favorites, The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg.
As far as the dating part of your post, Lucius, I'll leave that to Seduction University :)
I Pushed My Favorite LinkedIn Connection to Dump Me to Build My Self-Esteem
I had a pretty close relationship with a LinkedIn connection of mine who I had a lot in common with.
We'll call her "L".
L and I connected back in early April. She was one of the most value-adding contacts in my network, not only because of her high status but because of our rapport and bond.
I had actually planned to write about L as an example of what's possible for those who take the time to network effectively and authentically. I also wanted it to be a source of motivation for those who hadn't yet finished Power University because I know I absolutely wouldn't have been able to build a connection like this without Lucio's lessons.
L is the President of the Pan African Chamber of Commerce. Being high-value herself, she would share that value with me whenever she figured it made sense for the both of us:
That's her inviting me to sit on the panel with her, along with big-name execs, more high-status government officials, TEDx organizers, powerful entrepreneurs, and so on.
And, that's her offering to nominate me for the 30 Under 30 Change Maker Award.
All in all, she's someone I was always excited to give value to and collaborate with, more than for her contributions, but also because we had a genuine connection as friends.
But I Purposely Took It Too Far
When L and I first connected over the phone, she had pulled what felt like a few power moves on me. She repeated to me more than once:
L.: "You know, I don't let just anyone into my network. I don't accept everyone, I'm very careful about who I let in."
And, naturally, that felt to me like social credit inflating:
- Credit inflating: frame it as exceptional (= "I only do it for you")
The only difference is, instead of asking for value back, it felt like she was asking for me to acknowledge her authority. Almost as if to say, "I'm so high-status, I can't afford to let everyone into my circle. But, you made the cut, congratulations."
I didn't like that, especially when she repeated it. But, I didn't challenge her frame either. I simply accepted it because I was so caught up in how much common ground we had and surprised by how fast our connection was growing over the course of that initial phone call.
Then, my age came up in the conversation. And, she said with what sounded like a big smile that she's "old enough to be my grandmother" and that I'm "one of her babies now" with an attitude that said she'd take care of me as one of her own.
That was a babying power move that inflated her authority over mine even more. But, I didn't challenge that frame either. I cared more about nurturing the bond than coming across as powerful. I was hoping that with that bond she would treat me fairly and respectfully without me needing to address her power moves.
When she offered to schedule a Zoom meeting, made me wait, and then never showed up, I felt annoyed. And, it felt unfair.
But I knew the best course of action was probably to let it go so as to keep her as a mentor.
And yet, being so caught up in wanting to develop my antifragile ego, I wanted the pain of losing her.
I figured, "If I go overassertive now and she leaves, I'll get the chance to build my antifragile ego further. And if I go overassertive now and she stays, she'll respect me more."
So, I went ahead and overdid it.
My Over-Assertive Attitude In Pursuit of Higher Self-Esteem
When she tried to reschedule our Zoom meeting without an apology for her power move, I had already made up my mind on what I wanted to do.
My response leveraged the DESOE framework:
As you can see, I finished off using the "assertiveness technique: confirm understanding". That felt a bit overboard, in my opinion, given the situation and who I'm talking to. But, that's also why I did it. I was pushing it in the hopes that it would also push my growth forward.
Her response:
What stood out to me:
- "My apologies that I interrupted your schedule": a better apology, in my opinion, would have been to says something along the lines of, "My apologies for the misunderstanding". And, that's only if she really wanted to apologize. If it was in fact a misunderstanding, I wouldn't have cared if she apologized or not. But, she instead apologized for interrupting my schedule. And, who has the power to interrupt your schedule? Your boss. (Still, I call it a slight covert power move because it's better than if she would have said "sorry for making you wait" which would have thread-expanded on not only the lower-authority frame, but the lower-status frame she stuck on me.)
- "...I am more than capable of building relationships that are based on 47 years of credibility. However, I hope your advice helps to build alliances for your generation coming forward": I read this as, "Your boundaries are only advice to me. And, I don't need your 'advice' on how to treat you moving forward, I'm an exception to your rules because I'm such a capable professional. Maybe it can help other people who have less credibility, such as yourself."
- "...your generation...": this note was a reminder that I'm significantly younger than her and feels like thread-expanding on me being one of her "babies". I didn't appreciate that.
I felt that if I didn't respond to this, it would be the same as allowing her to pull this behavior on me in the future since my assertiveness was only "advice" that she feels doesn't apply to her because of her credibility.
So, I respond:
Here, I do my best to move away from the competitive frame of "assertiveness attacking her authority" to the collaborative frame of "honest feedback being provided to a friend".
And, after that message, she disconnected from me anyway.
How It Impacted My Antifragile Ego
I didn't feel sad, but I felt very angry.
I remember one of the thoughts running through my head was, "She disconnected from me because she doesn't believe in fairness (which was untrue, I was the one being unfair :) ). But, maybe I could have done better handling the situation, so this could also be partially my fault. Well, it's too late now. Damn, why'd she have to disconnect?"
I felt rejected. But, now I also had the opportunity to do what I wanted to in the first place. I could use the pain for growth.
I walked on the beach angrily and kept repeating to myself that the more it hurts, the more I can prove to myself my strength of character.
But, it didn't work and I still felt both infuriated and frustrated.
However, having actually done it (with no truly extreme consequences to speak of), I now also felt like I could approach any girl and conquer any mountain. The learner identity had empowered me to work through pain and discomfort meaning this mindset I'd spent over a year trying to internalize was finally taking root.
After all, if I could do something so painful without dying, I could probably do most other things that could hurt me too.
Strategies For "Winning Back"
I ended up winning her back and talking about it in the book, The Social Strategist. (See #6 in this thread here.)
OFF-TOPIC
Updating this post now years later, I felt I needed to provide clarification on the reasoning behind the events.
It was undoubtedly poor social skills/assertiveness.
But, it was an intentional move to try and build my antifragile ego which, looking back now, I still also deem as a mistake.
When I was living with my mother and she was abusing me daily, it was the antifragile mindset that got me through it all. I had to believe that the pain was making me stronger to get through it.
Being free from those circumstances now, I still wasn't yet free from the trauma and believed that proving to myself "I'm still antifragile" and building that antifragility further was more important than having her in my network.
But, I could kick old Ali for that because I could've easily done both. There were plenty of other ways to challenge myself and grow my antifragile ego than purposely shooting myself in the foot.
And yet, I still gained a lot from it. I didn't know that the social exchange was the reason she expected me to make some concessions for her, I only knew she probably expected it. And I managed to get her back using my own networking strategies which showed me what's possible and provided real-life testing for my own approaches.
All in all, a "thanks" to TPM for the learnings and a "cheers" to a better place in life without needlessly chasing more pain :).
OFF-TOPIC
