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What I'm Doing, (Maybe Where 🙂 ) & Why

#51 · May 7, 2021, 2:31 am

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on May 7, 2021, 2:31 am
Hey Ali,

Overall, great overall mindsets, and some kinks to work out on the technical levels.

Some quick feedback on the technical level of this specific exchange:

It's a moot point whether she was status inflating (and I wouldn't consider it as such)

Status inflating is about "trying to be bigger than one is".

The point is: she does have status and power.
So if she's trying to be even bigger is a moot point, but not a clear case of inflating in my opinion.

The feel I get is that this was more like "making it clear" that she was high(er) status.
Not the smoothest thing to do, maybe.
It feels like bragging, it's potentially annoying, and most of the time, it's unneeded: people know who is high power, and don't need reminders.

We might call that move "power weight throwing" since she did have the power to begin with.

I would have read that as a signal that "OK, she's very status and power-conscious, and wants to be recognized as such".
And then used that info for dealing with her.

The initial label of "inflater" you put on her maybe gave you an overly negative opinion of her.
Some other more befitting labels might have been "power weight thrower", "narcissist", "validation-whore", or just a more neutral "power player", who enjoys verbal power moves with her power.

That might have framed all her future moves as less malevolent, and more neutral.

Next point, also every important:

VALUE-EXCHANGE POINT OF VIEW

From a value-exchange point of view, she was giving more value.

And as value-exchange overlaps with power dynamics -value exchange accounting we called it in PI's article-, since she was giving you more value, she also felt like you had to make up for that difference by, say, accepting her terms and work around her time (being put in the "power down").

Frankly, not an unfair expectation, in my opinion.
From a fair-dealing social exchange point of view, one can't expect to be treated as an equal unless he brings equal value.

Demand, or Disrespect?

Of course, one can -and should- (almost) always expect not to be disrespected.
That's also fair, and a great approach and mindset on your side.

You interpreted it as disrespect, probably because of an overly harsh image you had of her (point 1), and not fully acknowledging the value imbalance (point 2)?

Still, letting you wait might have been labeled as "disrespect" indeed, it's still a fair interpretation.

However, her being so high value, it might have been strategically better to either "let it slip once", or, maybe even better, to be more power protecting with your boundaries-drawing (always a good approach to be more power protecting with those who have more power and/or are very power conscious).

CHILD ROLE: TAKE IT AND BE A MENTEE?

The way she speaks and moves, she seems exactly that type of person who wants to have her power recognized and appreciated.

Yes, you did refuse the child role and recognize it effectively.

The question is: was it a good approach here, given the value-exchange dynamics?

A good approach here might have been to accept her "mama frame" and treat her as a mentor, while still displaying high value and high power so that she could feel she was getting back value.

FIRST MESSAGE

Based on the value exchanges, when you called her out on it, it's not unexpected that she thought "who does he think he is, does he realize I'm giving him so much here?".

Plus, her being so power conscious, she probably felt like you were not accepting her higher power and status and treating her as an equal.
And, as well, not acknowledging the value she was giving you, which have led her to label you as "ungrateful".

Ending with "do you understand" was overly strong, in my opinion.
If you had just written "do you understand what I mean", it would have been A TON better, as that implied a negotiating approach.

But by itself, it felt like frame-imposing.
The in-person equivalent of you squaring in front of her, scowling, and saying it loud "do you understand (say yes, because it's my way or the highway)".

And that's especially risky for a power-conscious, power-craving, and yes, possibly touchy / fragile ego lady.

SECOND MESSAGE: IT'S NOT ADVICE, IT'S FEEDBACK

The opening of your second message "it's not advice, it's feedback" felt like you were trying to frame-impose your frame instead of accepting hers -or being open to negotiate meaning-.

Plus, it self-framed you as at her own same level, which she also likely didn't appreciate.

The rest of your message was golden.
The only issue is that with first one, plus the first line of this second message, were challenging to undo.

That's my opinion from looking at it from the outside and with limited insights.

I might be wrong.

All of that is about the technicalities of this exchange.
Going to the higher level:

THE HUGE PROGRESS: CONGRATS

I think you can still draw all the positive conclusions you've drawn.

Internalizing you deserve fair treatment is a huge one, and the "learner's high" might indeed be a sign that the mindset is taking hold.

Also the fact that you were willing and able to draw your boundaries, albeit as per above possibly not strategically perfectly placed, is a great sign.

And the fact that you can take a loss of a valuable contact and give yourself a pat on the back is also great, great stuff in my opinion.
When you're proud of having done the "right" thing in spite of the cost, that's a huge big step toward high quality, and not just value.

I might still want to try to turn it around, though.

Hey Ali,

Overall, great overall mindsets, and some kinks to work out on the technical levels.

Some quick feedback on the technical level of this specific exchange:

It's a moot point whether she was status inflating (and I wouldn't consider it as such)

Status inflating is about "trying to be bigger than one is".

The point is: she does have status and power.
So if she's trying to be even bigger is a moot point, but not a clear case of inflating in my opinion.

The feel I get is that this was more like "making it clear" that she was high(er) status.
Not the smoothest thing to do, maybe.
It feels like bragging, it's potentially annoying, and most of the time, it's unneeded: people know who is high power, and don't need reminders.

We might call that move "power weight throwing" since she did have the power to begin with.

I would have read that as a signal that "OK, she's very status and power-conscious, and wants to be recognized as such".
And then used that info for dealing with her.

The initial label of "inflater" you put on her maybe gave you an overly negative opinion of her.
Some other more befitting labels might have been "power weight thrower", "narcissist", "validation-whore", or just a more neutral "power player", who enjoys verbal power moves with her power.

That might have framed all her future moves as less malevolent, and more neutral.

Next point, also every important:

VALUE-EXCHANGE POINT OF VIEW

From a value-exchange point of view, she was giving more value.

And as value-exchange overlaps with power dynamics -value exchange accounting we called it in PI's article-, since she was giving you more value, she also felt like you had to make up for that difference by, say, accepting her terms and work around her time (being put in the "power down").

Frankly, not an unfair expectation, in my opinion.
From a fair-dealing social exchange point of view, one can't expect to be treated as an equal unless he brings equal value.

Demand, or Disrespect?

Of course, one can -and should- (almost) always expect not to be disrespected.
That's also fair, and a great approach and mindset on your side.

You interpreted it as disrespect, probably because of an overly harsh image you had of her (point 1), and not fully acknowledging the value imbalance (point 2)?

Still, letting you wait might have been labeled as "disrespect" indeed, it's still a fair interpretation.

However, her being so high value, it might have been strategically better to either "let it slip once", or, maybe even better, to be more power protecting with your boundaries-drawing (always a good approach to be more power protecting with those who have more power and/or are very power conscious).

CHILD ROLE: TAKE IT AND BE A MENTEE?

The way she speaks and moves, she seems exactly that type of person who wants to have her power recognized and appreciated.

Yes, you did refuse the child role and recognize it effectively.

The question is: was it a good approach here, given the value-exchange dynamics?

A good approach here might have been to accept her "mama frame" and treat her as a mentor, while still displaying high value and high power so that she could feel she was getting back value.

FIRST MESSAGE

Based on the value exchanges, when you called her out on it, it's not unexpected that she thought "who does he think he is, does he realize I'm giving him so much here?".

Plus, her being so power conscious, she probably felt like you were not accepting her higher power and status and treating her as an equal.
And, as well, not acknowledging the value she was giving you, which have led her to label you as "ungrateful".

Ending with "do you understand" was overly strong, in my opinion.
If you had just written "do you understand what I mean", it would have been A TON better, as that implied a negotiating approach.

But by itself, it felt like frame-imposing.
The in-person equivalent of you squaring in front of her, scowling, and saying it loud "do you understand (say yes, because it's my way or the highway)".

And that's especially risky for a power-conscious, power-craving, and yes, possibly touchy / fragile ego lady.

SECOND MESSAGE: IT'S NOT ADVICE, IT'S FEEDBACK

The opening of your second message "it's not advice, it's feedback" felt like you were trying to frame-impose your frame instead of accepting hers -or being open to negotiate meaning-.

Plus, it self-framed you as at her own same level, which she also likely didn't appreciate.

The rest of your message was golden.
The only issue is that with first one, plus the first line of this second message, were challenging to undo.

That's my opinion from looking at it from the outside and with limited insights.

I might be wrong.

All of that is about the technicalities of this exchange.
Going to the higher level:

THE HUGE PROGRESS: CONGRATS

I think you can still draw all the positive conclusions you've drawn.

Internalizing you deserve fair treatment is a huge one, and the "learner's high" might indeed be a sign that the mindset is taking hold.

Also the fact that you were willing and able to draw your boundaries, albeit as per above possibly not strategically perfectly placed, is a great sign.

And the fact that you can take a loss of a valuable contact and give yourself a pat on the back is also great, great stuff in my opinion.
When you're proud of having done the "right" thing in spite of the cost, that's a huge big step toward high quality, and not just value.

I might still want to try to turn it around, though.

Ali Scarlett, Matthew Whitewood and Stef have reacted to this post.

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#52 · May 7, 2021, 7:29 pm

Quote from Matthew Whitewood on May 7, 2021, 7:29 pm
I can relate.
I dislike situations where people make me wait for them.
Though Lucio has advised me that, for clients and powerful people, it may be worth waiting for if they can provide opportunities.
This was on a thread a few months ago that I cannot remember exactly.

My Own Experience

Though one of my mentors was late, and what he said made me respect him in some way:

Mentor: I have to admit.
I totally forget about our meeting.
I have to apologise.

He's obviously more powerful than me.
As Lucio says, there was no need for him to show his power.
Although his forgetting already showed the power difference quite clearly.

So, for the most recent meeting, I sent him a reminder before the meeting in the morning.

Me: Would the meeting time today suit your schedule?
The meeting details:
...

He came on time.
I learnt this tactic from Lucio's article on What To Do When Someone Makes You Wait.

Overbearing Women

I have a woman business partner who likes to take on the mother role as well.
It can get annoying.

Lucio also advised me to allow her to take on the mother role if she provides a lot of value and is good at delivering.
Which also ties back to the social exchange dynamics.

Though the relationship hasn't been turning out so good because she hasn't been delivering.
Which is a different issue.
I'm also fine with that.
Just keeping the door open.

If things change and she delivers, I would probably have to navigate this dynamic too because of her power-hungry nature.
She likes to make me wait and change timings at the last minute.
I don't appreciate that too.
Though I have explored a few ways to manage this.

Arrange A WhatsApp Call Instead of Video Call & Let Her Call

I agree to a time to have a call.
I let her be the one calling me at the agreed time.
If she doesn't call, I don't call and start my next task.
After 10 minutes, I take the meeting as cancelled and don't entertain my phone.

Changing Timings at the Last Minute

If she wants to change timings on the same day, I tell her that we will re-arrange for another day.
Now she begins to view commitments to our agreed meeting times more seriously.

Caveat On My Experience

My experience pertains more towards a business partnership.
As such, maybe my tactics may not apply to other types of dynamics.

I can relate.
I dislike situations where people make me wait for them.
Though Lucio has advised me that, for clients and powerful people, it may be worth waiting for if they can provide opportunities.
This was on a thread a few months ago that I cannot remember exactly.

My Own Experience

Though one of my mentors was late, and what he said made me respect him in some way:

Mentor: I have to admit.
I totally forget about our meeting.
I have to apologise.

He's obviously more powerful than me.
As Lucio says, there was no need for him to show his power.
Although his forgetting already showed the power difference quite clearly.

So, for the most recent meeting, I sent him a reminder before the meeting in the morning.

Me: Would the meeting time today suit your schedule?
The meeting details:
...

He came on time.
I learnt this tactic from Lucio's article on What To Do When Someone Makes You Wait.

Overbearing Women

I have a woman business partner who likes to take on the mother role as well.
It can get annoying.

Lucio also advised me to allow her to take on the mother role if she provides a lot of value and is good at delivering.
Which also ties back to the social exchange dynamics.

Though the relationship hasn't been turning out so good because she hasn't been delivering.
Which is a different issue.
I'm also fine with that.
Just keeping the door open.

If things change and she delivers, I would probably have to navigate this dynamic too because of her power-hungry nature.
She likes to make me wait and change timings at the last minute.
I don't appreciate that too.
Though I have explored a few ways to manage this.

Arrange A WhatsApp Call Instead of Video Call & Let Her Call

I agree to a time to have a call.
I let her be the one calling me at the agreed time.
If she doesn't call, I don't call and start my next task.
After 10 minutes, I take the meeting as cancelled and don't entertain my phone.

Changing Timings at the Last Minute

If she wants to change timings on the same day, I tell her that we will re-arrange for another day.
Now she begins to view commitments to our agreed meeting times more seriously.

Caveat On My Experience

My experience pertains more towards a business partnership.
As such, maybe my tactics may not apply to other types of dynamics.

Lucio Buffalmano and Ali Scarlett have reacted to this post.

#53 · May 8, 2021, 5:47 pm

Quote from Ali Scarlett on May 8, 2021, 5:47 pm
Lucio, really grateful for your notes on the technicalities of this exchange.

I agree with everything you said and you provided some great insights, namely on the social exchange and moot point. My primary focus was on my mindsets and emotional independence, so being able to look back on this as a learning opportunity for social power is very valuable to me. Thank you!

Matthew, I was completely unaware of that article you linked to, it's much appreciated! Plus, thank you as well for taking the time to write such a detailed and thorough post in my journal, it means a lot to me.

Where I Also Went Wrong Socially

I started out on my journey passive and passive-aggressive. Now, I'm in a phase of being assertive and sometimes overly assertive as Lucio noted above.

I suppose you could say I'm still calibrating my communication to adapt to certain situations. Even if this situation was overly assertive on purpose, I still have work to do in this area. Once I make improvements here, I know I'll be a better communicator.

My Next Few Moves

1. (Possibly) exploring how to track my antifragile ego's growth

Reading both of your feedbacks the first time around stung a bit. Then, reading back again a couple of days later felt good, I felt grateful.

*Note: A good addition to Power University's "Practical Steps to Increase Your Confidence & Social Power" might be to recommend that students log how long it takes them to get over certain situations. Then, review to track improvement.

2. Taking a break from the forum

I noticed that sometimes I say things that I mean but that also disregard the rule of "Always Say Less Than Necessary". Not so much "I'm investing too much effort here", but I'm overly honest at times and it feels like that's not always appreciated.

Of course, with the members of this forum being generally cool people, I doubt anyone wants to take me to the Feedback & Clarifications section to address me being "overly honest". So, it's up to me to reflect and acknowledge when it's time to tone it down. (That's another thing that I'm calibrating.)

That said, I'll be taking a step back from the forum for a while as far as my activity and any personal journal entries or posts. If I decide to post in the forum, it'll be to contribute information that's of value to others and will not contain any personal information as far as my personal feelings.

3. Holding back some gratitude ("Show Don't Tell": Actions speak louder than words)

Still, I'll be expressing my feelings of gratitude with "thank you's". Honestly—and it's hard to write this—I think sometimes I overdo it.

Sometimes, when a simple "thank you" would suffice, I go a bit overboard in expressing the thoughts and feelings in my heart and head. And, that's where dialing it down can be more respectful of the people reading.

Therefore, I'll be doing better to show my gratitude to this forum instead of talking so much about it. Mainly, by posting more content that I think would add value, which brings me to my next move.

4. More course and program reviews in the works

I'll be releasing a very thorough review of a course on something a little different.

So far, I've done course reviews for programs on negotiation, persuasion, sales, and entrepreneurship.

Now, I'll be doing a review on a course on job seeker power dynamics! Crazy to think that a course program like this actually exists outside of The Power Moves, but I've found one with some great sneak peek content that I can confirm works from referencing the information here. Not only that, the techniques shared in the sneak peek aren't in Power University.

So, I think this one will be a brand new, value-adding piece of content. As far as whether or not it's worth your money in the end, I'll let you guys be the judge once the review is finished :).

4. Upgrading the reviews I write

I recently bought Lucio's top two "best of" persuasion book recommendations. When I finish reading them, it will be more value I can add in my upcoming reviews (such as debunking misinformation, noting where the courses' recommended strategies could improve, and so on).

So, I'll be back to being more active in the forum once I've:

Taken the time to learn how to control my thoughts and communication a bit better

Cleared my plate of some existing (non-relevant to TPM) work

Completed my notes to leave a course review that's worth your read

See you guys soon.

Lucio, really grateful for your notes on the technicalities of this exchange.

I agree with everything you said and you provided some great insights, namely on the social exchange and moot point. My primary focus was on my mindsets and emotional independence, so being able to look back on this as a learning opportunity for social power is very valuable to me. Thank you!

Matthew, I was completely unaware of that article you linked to, it's much appreciated! Plus, thank you as well for taking the time to write such a detailed and thorough post in my journal, it means a lot to me.

Where I Also Went Wrong Socially

I started out on my journey passive and passive-aggressive. Now, I'm in a phase of being assertive and sometimes overly assertive as Lucio noted above.

I suppose you could say I'm still calibrating my communication to adapt to certain situations. Even if this situation was overly assertive on purpose, I still have work to do in this area. Once I make improvements here, I know I'll be a better communicator.

My Next Few Moves

1. (Possibly) exploring how to track my antifragile ego's growth

Reading both of your feedbacks the first time around stung a bit. Then, reading back again a couple of days later felt good, I felt grateful.

*Note: A good addition to Power University's "Practical Steps to Increase Your Confidence & Social Power" might be to recommend that students log how long it takes them to get over certain situations. Then, review to track improvement.

2. Taking a break from the forum

I noticed that sometimes I say things that I mean but that also disregard the rule of "Always Say Less Than Necessary". Not so much "I'm investing too much effort here", but I'm overly honest at times and it feels like that's not always appreciated.

Of course, with the members of this forum being generally cool people, I doubt anyone wants to take me to the Feedback & Clarifications section to address me being "overly honest". So, it's up to me to reflect and acknowledge when it's time to tone it down. (That's another thing that I'm calibrating.)

That said, I'll be taking a step back from the forum for a while as far as my activity and any personal journal entries or posts. If I decide to post in the forum, it'll be to contribute information that's of value to others and will not contain any personal information as far as my personal feelings.

3. Holding back some gratitude ("Show Don't Tell": Actions speak louder than words)

Still, I'll be expressing my feelings of gratitude with "thank you's". Honestly—and it's hard to write this—I think sometimes I overdo it.

Sometimes, when a simple "thank you" would suffice, I go a bit overboard in expressing the thoughts and feelings in my heart and head. And, that's where dialing it down can be more respectful of the people reading.

Therefore, I'll be doing better to show my gratitude to this forum instead of talking so much about it. Mainly, by posting more content that I think would add value, which brings me to my next move.

4. More course and program reviews in the works

I'll be releasing a very thorough review of a course on something a little different.

So far, I've done course reviews for programs on negotiation, persuasion, sales, and entrepreneurship.

Now, I'll be doing a review on a course on job seeker power dynamics! Crazy to think that a course program like this actually exists outside of The Power Moves, but I've found one with some great sneak peek content that I can confirm works from referencing the information here. Not only that, the techniques shared in the sneak peek aren't in Power University.

So, I think this one will be a brand new, value-adding piece of content. As far as whether or not it's worth your money in the end, I'll let you guys be the judge once the review is finished :).

4. Upgrading the reviews I write

I recently bought Lucio's top two "best of" persuasion book recommendations. When I finish reading them, it will be more value I can add in my upcoming reviews (such as debunking misinformation, noting where the courses' recommended strategies could improve, and so on).

So, I'll be back to being more active in the forum once I've:

Taken the time to learn how to control my thoughts and communication a bit better
Cleared my plate of some existing (non-relevant to TPM) work
Completed my notes to leave a course review that's worth your read

See you guys soon.

Lucio Buffalmano and Matthew Whitewood have reacted to this post.

#54 · May 8, 2021, 11:43 pm

Alright, cheers Ali, you'll be in our hearts while on break :).

Quote from Ali Scarlett on May 8, 2021, 5:47 pm

Now, I'll be doing a review on a course on job seeker power dynamics! Crazy to think that a course program like this actually exists outside of The Power Moves, but I've found one with some great sneak peek content that I can confirm works from referencing the information here. Not only that, the techniques shared in the sneak peek aren't in Power University.

So, I think this one will be a brand new, value-adding piece of content. As far as whether or not it's worth your money in the end, I'll let you guys be the judge once the review is finished :).

4. Upgrading the reviews I write

I recently bought Lucio's top two "best of" persuasion book recommendations. When I finish reading them, it will be more value I can add in my upcoming reviews (such as debunking misinformation, noting where the courses' recommended strategies could improve, and so on).

So, I'll be back to being more active in the forum once I've:

Taken the time to learn how to control my thoughts and communication a bit better

Cleared my plate of some existing (non-relevant to TPM) work

Completed my notes to leave a course review that's worth your read

See you guys soon.

Totally curious about those new reviews, and about the job seeker power dynamics!

It's possible, maybe even likely, that the author has read around here.
I've noticed a few articles/products that have popped up along TPM's terminology or style.
If he made a good job out of it, I'd glad about it.

Matthew Whitewood has reacted to this post.

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#55 · June 3, 2021, 9:02 pm

Quote from Ali Scarlett on June 3, 2021, 9:02 pm
Didn't really take much of a break, the forum's been too exciting lately :).

Unluckily, it's going to take a while before the tech on my side gets fixed up. That means poor formatting and quality of my posts until things get sorted out.

But, I realized I can throw my posts into a Google Doc to reformat it. So, I'll be testing that process out with another set of notes I had in my phone.

All that said, I updated my notes today on the 16Personalities's Premium Profile. I retook their test and got the ENFJ-A personality type a second time. Then, retook the test a third and final time on Truity to be sure and got the same result:

So, I bought 16Personalities's Premium Package for my personality type and went through all of the program work back in March. The aspects of personal growth that they focus on are:

Self-Esteem

Self-Respect

Self-Confidence

Self-Evolution

Self-Responsibility

I've done a lot of self-development over the years, so the most valuable ones for me were the top three: self-esteem, self-respect, and self-confidence.

The program focuses on helping one cultivate positive habits and empowering mental frameworks that, when practiced, will develop these areas of personal growth over time. The keyword here being practice...the program doesn't seem to work as well when it's treated as a one-and-done personal growth plan (which is what I tried originally).

So, I set my calendar to remind me to go through 16Personalities at the beginning of each month, dedicating a day to each category I needed the most work in (the first of the month is self-esteem, the second is self-respect, and so on).

Out of all of the tips, techniques, and strategies provided, the following outlines the ones that were the most valuable for me.

*Note: Most if not all of the links below are only accessible to those who have the premium package. Instead of removing every link, I've left them for those of you who do have access so it's easier for you to find the respective resource.

Self-Esteem (Personal Growth) exercises you can do today:

--

1.) Eye on the Prize

Plan a private retreat to review or create your mission statement:

Carve out a time and a place to simply be alone. Depending on circumstances, it can be hours or days.

In writing, describe your purpose. It can be uncomplicated and declarative, and it requires little or no explanation – even a list of values, ideas, or important parts of life will do.

Spend time doing something physical – paint a picture, do yoga, hike, go canoeing, play a musical instrument, shoot baskets, chop wood – anything that requires movement without a lot of complex thinking or decision-making. A lot of introspection happens when Protagonists [AKA: the ENFJ-A personality types) aren’t trying.

Complete the retreat by spending up to 15 minutes writing a brief mission statement. An ideal mission statement is simple and coherent; someone else could casually read it and understand.

2.) Improve Your Optimism

Pursue positivity:

Try a Gratitude Switch-Up. Any time that you are feeling particularly negative, think about something you’re grateful for. It could be a book that you are reading, the lovely weather, or the cup of coffee that you enjoyed that morning. For every one thing that is bothering you, try to think of at least three things that you are grateful for. Write them down for maximum effect.

--

Self-Respect (Personal Growth) exercises you can do today:

--

1.) Matching Expectations to Reality

Practice letting go of things that aren’t helpful or edifying:

Find three material things to get rid of. Perhaps they haven’t been used in the past year. Perhaps they’re no longer useful or interesting.

Rid yourself of the three things in a permanent way: Give them away to a friend or neighbor, donate them, or dispose of them in the trash.

After getting rid of the things, consider and then write down what it means to no longer have them.

*Note: This helped me a lot in terms of letting go of painful parts of my past.

2.) Accepting Imperfection

Deliberately make mistakes:

Be less punctual. (Show up at the movies after the film is set to begin. What did you miss, other than a few advertisements and perhaps a preview or two?)

Be less organized. (Instead of hanging up your casual apparel after you do laundry, maybe leave some clean clothes in the basket. Next time you are going out with friends, simply throw on a t-shirt from that clean pile of clothes.)

Be less perfect. (Misspell texts, play a wrong note, toss a pencil into the recycling bin reserved for paper. If you intentionally make a few mistakes when the stakes are low, committing an error when the stakes are high should be less frightening, and thus, less stressful.)

--

Self-Confidence (Personal Growth) exercises you can do today:

--

1.) Identifying Barriers

Promote your self-confidence by increasing self-understanding, confronting negative self-talk, and encouraging your empathy.

Identify Your Confidence Barriers:

Start by making a list of what sort of situation makes you the most uncomfortable. Is it meeting new people? Talking to members of the opposite sex? Do public speeches leave you feeling faint? Write down whatever comes to mind.

Now that you’ve listed your confidence-shattering situations, write down the worst thing that could happen to you if you encounter one of those situations. (“I may say something dumb in front of someone I just met,” for example).

Once you’ve written down the worst things that could happen, list at least one possible good outcome that could result from those situations. (For instance, “I could strike up a conversation with someone that shares my interests,” or, “Someone might notice my speech and invite me for a job interview.”)

*Note: My confidence barrier is that I'm uncomfortable with most power/domination showdowns. This helped me become far more OK with those situations.

Banish Negative Self-Talk:

Would you say that to your best friend? Or your child? It’s unlikely that you’d say that your best friend or child sounds dumb, that they aren’t attractive, or that they’re incompetent. Anything you wouldn’t say to someone you care about is something you shouldn’t say to yourself, either. (Take the parent role with yourself and talk to yourself with self-compassion.)

Write down a list of negative things that you’ve said or thought about yourself. Then, go back and change those negative statements into positive thoughts. Practice talking with yourself as a positive, empathetic parent would to a child who's having the negative thoughts that you have.

*Note: The "take the parent role with yourself" note I added has been a great way for me to embody the mindset of "I am my own judge" (i.e. I am my own parent). And, if you've read Ultimate Power, you know that banishing negative self-talk by replacing it with positive self-talk is nothing new :).

Don’t Take Things Personally:

Think of times that you’ve said something you regretted, possibly because you were in a bad mood or irritated by something completely unrelated to your conversation. Everyone makes mistakes, and it’s best to forgive and (sometimes) forget. Don’t assume that everyone’s negative comments are directed toward you. If there is a grain of truth to a negative comment, then consider it, but otherwise move on.

Focus on the positive by using the "gratitude switch-up" technique. You can be grateful that the conversation is over, for starters! You can also be grateful for the uplifting and enjoyable conversations you’ve had previously.

Know yourself. The more you remind yourself of your identity—your WHY, goals, antifragile ego, and social power mindsets—the less you’ll need to rely on others to validate you.

I like this method for avoiding taking things personally, especially the first bullet point. I would even go so far as to classify that one as "antifragile empathy".

The practice of acknowledging and understanding that what someone said might be a mistake—the same way I often make mistakes myself—has been a great way for me to continue reminding myself that I'm an eternal learner as well as others. And, by viewing others as learners who may have (also) made a mistake by criticizing me, I'm far more emotionally detached from their negative, hurtful words because I remember making the same mistakes myself. The mistakes of saying things I would have taken back later if I could or unkind things that come from a place of emotional frustration (or even over-competitiveness) and not a place of rational honesty, fairness, or respect.

Didn't really take much of a break, the forum's been too exciting lately :).

Unluckily, it's going to take a while before the tech on my side gets fixed up. That means poor formatting and quality of my posts until things get sorted out.

But, I realized I can throw my posts into a Google Doc to reformat it. So, I'll be testing that process out with another set of notes I had in my phone.

All that said, I updated my notes today on the 16Personalities's Premium Profile. I retook their test and got the ENFJ-A personality type a second time. Then, retook the test a third and final time on Truity to be sure and got the same result:

So, I bought 16Personalities's Premium Package for my personality type and went through all of the program work back in March. The aspects of personal growth that they focus on are:

Self-Esteem
Self-Respect
Self-Confidence
Self-Evolution
Self-Responsibility

I've done a lot of self-development over the years, so the most valuable ones for me were the top three: self-esteem, self-respect, and self-confidence.

The program focuses on helping one cultivate positive habits and empowering mental frameworks that, when practiced, will develop these areas of personal growth over time. The keyword here being practice...the program doesn't seem to work as well when it's treated as a one-and-done personal growth plan (which is what I tried originally).

So, I set my calendar to remind me to go through 16Personalities at the beginning of each month, dedicating a day to each category I needed the most work in (the first of the month is self-esteem, the second is self-respect, and so on).

Out of all of the tips, techniques, and strategies provided, the following outlines the ones that were the most valuable for me.

*Note: Most if not all of the links below are only accessible to those who have the premium package. Instead of removing every link, I've left them for those of you who do have access so it's easier for you to find the respective resource.

Self-Esteem (Personal Growth) exercises you can do today:

1.) Eye on the Prize

Plan a private retreat to review or create your mission statement:

Carve out a time and a place to simply be alone. Depending on circumstances, it can be hours or days.
In writing, describe your purpose. It can be uncomplicated and declarative, and it requires little or no explanation – even a list of values, ideas, or important parts of life will do.
Spend time doing something physical – paint a picture, do yoga, hike, go canoeing, play a musical instrument, shoot baskets, chop wood – anything that requires movement without a lot of complex thinking or decision-making. A lot of introspection happens when Protagonists [AKA: the ENFJ-A personality types) aren’t trying.
Complete the retreat by spending up to 15 minutes writing a brief mission statement. An ideal mission statement is simple and coherent; someone else could casually read it and understand.

2.) Improve Your Optimism

Pursue positivity:

Try a Gratitude Switch-Up. Any time that you are feeling particularly negative, think about something you’re grateful for. It could be a book that you are reading, the lovely weather, or the cup of coffee that you enjoyed that morning. For every one thing that is bothering you, try to think of at least three things that you are grateful for. Write them down for maximum effect.

Self-Respect (Personal Growth) exercises you can do today:

1.) Matching Expectations to Reality

Practice letting go of things that aren’t helpful or edifying:

Find three material things to get rid of. Perhaps they haven’t been used in the past year. Perhaps they’re no longer useful or interesting.
Rid yourself of the three things in a permanent way: Give them away to a friend or neighbor, donate them, or dispose of them in the trash.
After getting rid of the things, consider and then write down what it means to no longer have them.

*Note: This helped me a lot in terms of letting go of painful parts of my past.

2.) Accepting Imperfection

Deliberately make mistakes:

Be less punctual. (Show up at the movies after the film is set to begin. What did you miss, other than a few advertisements and perhaps a preview or two?)
Be less organized. (Instead of hanging up your casual apparel after you do laundry, maybe leave some clean clothes in the basket. Next time you are going out with friends, simply throw on a t-shirt from that clean pile of clothes.)
Be less perfect. (Misspell texts, play a wrong note, toss a pencil into the recycling bin reserved for paper. If you intentionally make a few mistakes when the stakes are low, committing an error when the stakes are high should be less frightening, and thus, less stressful.)

Self-Confidence (Personal Growth) exercises you can do today:

1.) Identifying Barriers

Promote your self-confidence by increasing self-understanding, confronting negative self-talk, and encouraging your empathy.

Identify Your Confidence Barriers:

Start by making a list of what sort of situation makes you the most uncomfortable. Is it meeting new people? Talking to members of the opposite sex? Do public speeches leave you feeling faint? Write down whatever comes to mind.
Now that you’ve listed your confidence-shattering situations, write down the worst thing that could happen to you if you encounter one of those situations. (“I may say something dumb in front of someone I just met,” for example).
Once you’ve written down the worst things that could happen, list at least one possible good outcome that could result from those situations. (For instance, “I could strike up a conversation with someone that shares my interests,” or, “Someone might notice my speech and invite me for a job interview.”)

*Note: My confidence barrier is that I'm uncomfortable with most power/domination showdowns. This helped me become far more OK with those situations.

Banish Negative Self-Talk:

Would you say that to your best friend? Or your child? It’s unlikely that you’d say that your best friend or child sounds dumb, that they aren’t attractive, or that they’re incompetent. Anything you wouldn’t say to someone you care about is something you shouldn’t say to yourself, either. (Take the parent role with yourself and talk to yourself with self-compassion.)
Write down a list of negative things that you’ve said or thought about yourself. Then, go back and change those negative statements into positive thoughts. Practice talking with yourself as a positive, empathetic parent would to a child who's having the negative thoughts that you have.

*Note: The "take the parent role with yourself" note I added has been a great way for me to embody the mindset of "I am my own judge" (i.e. I am my own parent). And, if you've read Ultimate Power, you know that banishing negative self-talk by replacing it with positive self-talk is nothing new :).

Don’t Take Things Personally:

Think of times that you’ve said something you regretted, possibly because you were in a bad mood or irritated by something completely unrelated to your conversation. Everyone makes mistakes, and it’s best to forgive and (sometimes) forget. Don’t assume that everyone’s negative comments are directed toward you. If there is a grain of truth to a negative comment, then consider it, but otherwise move on.
Focus on the positive by using the "gratitude switch-up" technique. You can be grateful that the conversation is over, for starters! You can also be grateful for the uplifting and enjoyable conversations you’ve had previously.
Know yourself. The more you remind yourself of your identity—your WHY, goals, antifragile ego, and social power mindsets—the less you’ll need to rely on others to validate you.

I like this method for avoiding taking things personally, especially the first bullet point. I would even go so far as to classify that one as "antifragile empathy".

The practice of acknowledging and understanding that what someone said might be a mistake—the same way I often make mistakes myself—has been a great way for me to continue reminding myself that I'm an eternal learner as well as others. And, by viewing others as learners who may have (also) made a mistake by criticizing me, I'm far more emotionally detached from their negative, hurtful words because I remember making the same mistakes myself. The mistakes of saying things I would have taken back later if I could or unkind things that come from a place of emotional frustration (or even over-competitiveness) and not a place of rational honesty, fairness, or respect.

Lucio Buffalmano and Matthew Whitewood have reacted to this post.

#56 · June 4, 2021, 10:57 am

You're a beast, Ali!

Thank you for sharing this interesting self-development tool.

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#57 · June 6, 2021, 2:55 pm

Quote from Ali Scarlett on June 6, 2021, 2:55 pm
The powerful mindset that skyrocketed my core confidence overnight

I took a long walk on the beach last night. Yes, at night, could hardly see a thing beyond one dimly lit street lamp :).

And, actually, I really wanted to take that walk during the day. The sun was up and the water was nice.

Unluckily, it was also very hot. And, I had waited too long to do my laundry and had nothing but a sleeveless undershirt to wear. A thin, white, tank top that would show my non-existent muscles for everyone to see on a very bright day.

Thankfully, Ultimate Power had prepared me for this. I remembered my antifragile ego mindsets, put on the shirt, and walked out to my porch. Yet, I still felt uneasy. No anxiousness or nervousness, simply uncomfortable.

So, I used that as an opportunity to try combining the "Identify Your Confidence Barriers" technique with the "Banish Negative Self-Talk" technique. I sat down on my porch, and spoke with myself as if I was my own parent, asking myself what the worst that could happen is and what good could actually come from that "negative" outcome.

After, I felt great. I started walking toward the beach. And then, I froze.

I remember thinking back to Power University's lesson on "alpha conspicuousness". I remember feeling like I was walking to the beach with a giant "notice me" signal covering the top half of my entire body. I remember suddenly feeling my discomfort return twice as hard.

"It was no longer about confidence, it was about social strategy." At least, that's what I told myself to avoid facing that emotionally (and socially) difficult situation.

And, with that, I walked back inside.

Later, night fell. Finally, I could take the walk that I had waited hours for. But, as I stood on that beach alone, I felt unsatisfied. I couldn't stop questioning why it felt as if my antifragile ego had failed this time. Ever since I'd learned about it, I'd been crushing it. What changed?

I wasn't happy. So, I started to walk back. Then, as I looked up into the abyss that was the dark, starry night sky, something hit me.

Develop core confidence: reflect on mortality

I asked myself why it mattered. Why their judgment or their criticism or any of the things that made me lose confidence mattered.

And, I started to reflect on death and what death meant to me. That's when I thought back to the exact description I gave death in my book:

Ali: "I eventually started to feel like death would have been the real prison. Since I’m alive, I still have the choice to either kill myself or do something with my life. When I’m dead, there’s no choice. There’s no freedom. When you’re alive, you have the option of death—but when you're dead, there is no option of life."

I started to think about death as a prison. And how, at some point, someday, we're all going to get sent to that same prison—including the people who choose to make fun of me. So, what they say or think doesn't matter. We're all going to end up in the same place anyway regardless of anything they do or say.

So, let's simply be happy instead.

Mindset #1: Care-free core confidence

Now, when I see someone, my mindset is:

Mindset #1: "I'm going to die someday and we don't know how soon. You're going to die someday and we don't know how soon. So, let's go for it and do our best to feel good in this moment."

Whenever I think about this mindset I feel like Superman. I can do anything because it doesn't matter. We're going to get sent to that prison someday anyway, heck, it could be real soon. So, let's be happy together with this one life we have to live.

This did more than boost my confidence and care-free attitude, it helped me feel more forgiving and patient with others while also encouraging my collaborative side more. I want everyone to win. I want everyone to feel good while we're here because there's no respawn point. There's no "round two". We have one life and one chance to be happy in it so let's at least try to make the most of it...together.

*Note: For me, by spreading more of what makes others feel good, it helps me feel good because I know that by doing so I'm helping others live a better life. Yet, I'm not sure if this comes down to personalities. I'm sure there are some personalities—maybe ones that are more Machiavellian in nature—that might interpret this mindset as an excuse to to take advantage of others by taking more value from them, more unapologetically and more often. Not happy to say that, but on a website about power moves, it was worth noting.

The Caveat of This Mindset: Short-Term Thinking

Immediately, I felt my ambition and drive towards my long-term goals diminish. And, I really didn't like that.

The new logic was, if we're going to agree that we could "go" at any time, why focus on dedicating so much of our time and days to see a result that we may never even live to see? Better, would be to simply live in the moment, right?

So, I started brainstorming ways to get the best of both worlds. The core confidence (that comes from this mindset) and the work ethic, willpower, ambition, drive and discipline that I'd spent years building.

Enter, the engine to the car that is life:

Mindset #2: Purpose-driven thinking

Start with WHY.

Brain: Why do any work today?

Me: (thinking: my work aligns with my purpose) I want to help myself and others.

And, this is the most powerful one for me that sort of neutralizes all the others.

When I slip into short-term thinking, I simply look to my right and imagine a young me sitting, crouched down, crying. I imagine myself being able to help that person—that younger me—with what I know now and giving him all of the helpful information he needs to climb out of hell, turn his life around, and live a life that he enjoys. I imagine myself being able to save myself when no one else wanted to.

That's how I want to spend my life. That's what I want to do.

When it's all said and done, my purpose is what will make me feel like my life wasn't a waste. Without living my purpose every day, when I'm start to approach the finish line, I can easily feel like I didn't even touch the potential for my life because I measure my potential by the size of the impact I make on others and the world.

So, in short, when it's all said and done, only my purpose could make me feel like I could leave this earth in peace because I have an internal need to help others now.

We don't know how short our life is going to be. And, we are denied a second one. So, with the one life others have, I want them to be happy in it. That way, they can at least feel their life was well spent. And, if there's something I can do to help others feel a bit more happy in their life, I will have lived my WHY and done a good thing.

And, good things make me feel good :).

So, when I don't feel like doing any work, my mindset is:

Mindset #2: "I'm going to die someday and I don't know how late. So, I always go for it and do my best to make the most of my life when I can."

And, "making the most" of one's life requires ambition, drive, and all of those necessary parts that keep the engine running.

An alternative might be to finish with something more specific such as, "So, I always go for it and do my best to maximize my life potential when I can."

Power University's "develop life walk away power: reflect on mortality"

There was a section in Power University that briefly talked about this. But, it seemed to be more about understanding "what" the situation is in terms of the reality of life (i.e. "The idea is to fully realize that we are all transient here."). It felt somewhat lacking in terms of how to leverage the situation—the reality of life—into a boost in social power and confidence.

I was considering not posting this until I'd fleshed out the mindsets a bit more. I always feel like taking the time to make a post worth the read makes it more fair for the reader.

So pulling the ol' question pitch from Daniel Pink:

Are you better off now than before you started reading?

The powerful mindset that skyrocketed my core confidence overnight

I took a long walk on the beach last night. Yes, at night, could hardly see a thing beyond one dimly lit street lamp :).

And, actually, I really wanted to take that walk during the day. The sun was up and the water was nice.

Unluckily, it was also very hot. And, I had waited too long to do my laundry and had nothing but a sleeveless undershirt to wear. A thin, white, tank top that would show my non-existent muscles for everyone to see on a very bright day.

Thankfully, Ultimate Power had prepared me for this. I remembered my antifragile ego mindsets, put on the shirt, and walked out to my porch. Yet, I still felt uneasy. No anxiousness or nervousness, simply uncomfortable.

So, I used that as an opportunity to try combining the "Identify Your Confidence Barriers" technique with the "Banish Negative Self-Talk" technique. I sat down on my porch, and spoke with myself as if I was my own parent, asking myself what the worst that could happen is and what good could actually come from that "negative" outcome.

After, I felt great. I started walking toward the beach. And then, I froze.

I remember thinking back to Power University's lesson on "alpha conspicuousness". I remember feeling like I was walking to the beach with a giant "notice me" signal covering the top half of my entire body. I remember suddenly feeling my discomfort return twice as hard.

"It was no longer about confidence, it was about social strategy." At least, that's what I told myself to avoid facing that emotionally (and socially) difficult situation.

And, with that, I walked back inside.

Later, night fell. Finally, I could take the walk that I had waited hours for. But, as I stood on that beach alone, I felt unsatisfied. I couldn't stop questioning why it felt as if my antifragile ego had failed this time. Ever since I'd learned about it, I'd been crushing it. What changed?

I wasn't happy. So, I started to walk back. Then, as I looked up into the abyss that was the dark, starry night sky, something hit me.

**Develop core confidence: reflect on mortality**

I asked myself why it mattered. Why their judgment or their criticism or any of the things that made me lose confidence mattered.

And, I started to reflect on death and what death meant to me. That's when I thought back to the exact description I gave death in my book:

Ali: "I eventually started to feel like death would have been the real prison. Since I’m alive, I still have the choice to either kill myself or do something with my life. When I’m dead, there’s no choice. There’s no freedom. When you’re alive, you have the option of death—but when you're dead, there is no option of life."

I started to think about death as a prison. And how, at some point, someday, we're all going to get sent to that same prison—including the people who choose to make fun of me. So, what they say or think doesn't matter. We're all going to end up in the same place anyway regardless of anything they do or say.

So, let's simply be happy instead.

Mindset #1: Care-free core confidence

Now, when I see someone, my mindset is:

Mindset #1: "I'm going to die someday and we don't know how soon. You're going to die someday and we don't know how soon. So, let's go for it and do our best to feel good in this moment."

Whenever I think about this mindset I feel like Superman. I can do anything because it doesn't matter. We're going to get sent to that prison someday anyway, heck, it could be real soon. So, let's be happy together with this one life we have to live.

This did more than boost my confidence and care-free attitude, it helped me feel more forgiving and patient with others while also encouraging my collaborative side more. I want everyone to win. I want everyone to feel good while we're here because there's no respawn point. There's no "round two". We have one life and one chance to be happy in it so let's at least try to make the most of it...together.

*Note: For me, by spreading more of what makes others feel good, it helps me feel good because I know that by doing so I'm helping others live a better life. Yet, I'm not sure if this comes down to personalities. I'm sure there are some personalities—maybe ones that are more Machiavellian in nature—that might interpret this mindset as an excuse to to take advantage of others by taking more value from them, more unapologetically and more often. Not happy to say that, but on a website about power moves, it was worth noting.

The Caveat of This Mindset: Short-Term Thinking

Immediately, I felt my ambition and drive towards my long-term goals diminish. And, I really didn't like that.

The new logic was, if we're going to agree that we could "go" at any time, why focus on dedicating so much of our time and days to see a result that we may never even live to see? Better, would be to simply live in the moment, right?

So, I started brainstorming ways to get the best of both worlds. The core confidence (that comes from this mindset) and the work ethic, willpower, ambition, drive and discipline that I'd spent years building.

Enter, the engine to the car that is life:

Mindset #2: Purpose-driven thinking

Start with WHY.

Brain: Why do any work today?

Me: (thinking: my work aligns with my purpose) I want to help myself and others.

And, this is the most powerful one for me that sort of neutralizes all the others.

When I slip into short-term thinking, I simply look to my right and imagine a young me sitting, crouched down, crying. I imagine myself being able to help that person—that younger me—with what I know now and giving him all of the helpful information he needs to climb out of hell, turn his life around, and live a life that he enjoys. I imagine myself being able to save myself when no one else wanted to.

That's how I want to spend my life. That's what I want to do.

When it's all said and done, my purpose is what will make me feel like my life wasn't a waste. Without living my purpose every day, when I'm start to approach the finish line, I can easily feel like I didn't even touch the potential for my life because I measure my potential by the size of the impact I make on others and the world.

So, in short, when it's all said and done, only my purpose could make me feel like I could leave this earth in peace because I have an internal need to help others now.

We don't know how short our life is going to be. And, we are denied a second one. So, with the one life others have, I want them to be happy in it. That way, they can at least feel their life was well spent. And, if there's something I can do to help others feel a bit more happy in their life, I will have lived my WHY and done a good thing.

And, good things make me feel good :).

So, when I don't feel like doing any work, my mindset is:

Mindset #2: "I'm going to die someday and I don't know how late. So, I always go for it and do my best to make the most of my life when I can."

And, "making the most" of one's life requires ambition, drive, and all of those necessary parts that keep the engine running.

An alternative might be to finish with something more specific such as, "So, I always go for it and do my best to maximize my life potential when I can."

Power University's "develop life walk away power: reflect on mortality"

There was a section in Power University that briefly talked about this. But, it seemed to be more about understanding "what" the situation is in terms of the reality of life (i.e. "The idea is to fully realize that we are all transient here."). It felt somewhat lacking in terms of how to leverage the situation—the reality of life—into a boost in social power and confidence.

I was considering not posting this until I'd fleshed out the mindsets a bit more. I always feel like taking the time to make a post worth the read makes it more fair for the reader.

So pulling the ol' question pitch from Daniel Pink:

Are you better off now than before you started reading?

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.

#58 · June 8, 2021, 10:49 am

Awesome, awesome post, Ali!

Took some time to fully process it.

Might add some bits of it to the next update of Ultimate Power as well -the "why" particularly-.

A couple of notes:

We are denied a second one

It's a fair belief to hold.
Personally though, I suspend judgment on that.

Swapping the "must"

In the first part of your post, it feels like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself.
And that can be a great thing.

It can come at the price of life pleasure, and life joy.

Even if one doesn't prioritize pleasure or happiness, it might not hurt to ease off on possible self-recrimination.

I don't know if you've seen the reviews of Albert Ellis work here, he zeroes in on that.

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#59 · June 8, 2021, 3:48 pm

Thanks for the note, Lucio!

And, haven't heard of Albert Ellis, I'll have to check him out.

BTW, since you're here, Lucio, you might be interested to hear this as well:

People Are Finding Our Book So Valuable...They're Stealing It

As some of you may know if you've read The Clever Connector, it references Power University's (advanced) content quite a bit.

It's become a very valuable book to many and has great reviews to show for it. So, imagine my surprise when I found a few people doing some good old fashioned copyright infringement with The Clever Connector:

They even went so far as to steal my book description!

It reminds me of a quote from Bill Gates:

Bill Gates: "...as long as they’re going to steal it, we want them to steal ours."

And, I gotta say, if they were going to steal a book anyway and chose mine, I'm flattered :).

Matthew Whitewood has reacted to this post.

#60 · June 9, 2021, 12:52 pm

Wow, pretty darn crazy.

Bill Gates on copycats and mindsets and attitudes towards copycats is similar to Prada's CEO.

The market of copies is pretty crazy.
I once found "Dating Power Dynamics" on Amazon, just as it is, not a single change... Being sold under my own name :).

Often it's a scammer's double scam: to the original author, plus to the buyer, since the product is often an afterthought.

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