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What I'm Doing, (Maybe Where 🙂 ) & Why

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Empowered Member

#61 · June 18, 2021, 5:40 pm

Quote from Ali Scarlett on June 18, 2021, 5:40 pm
The "embrace mortality" mindset has been dismantled and abandoned. I found too many holes in it, many of which aren't worth investing the time and effort to "fix" when a stronger antifragile ego would easily suffice.

So, I read all of Ultimate Power again and took more notes this time around.

Here's my new plan of action to develop my self-esteem:

Strategy #1: Change Who You Are

The Better Ideas YouTube channel explored the best methods for dealing with resistance when it comes to going to the gym and working out. They say that the best method top performers use to overcome that resistance is to practice an abundance mindset by making their desired activity or behavior align with their self-image.

E.g.

Negative Self-Image Mindset: "I need to go to the gym because I need to go get jacked." (scarcity mindset: you need to "go get" something, which implies you don't already have it)

Saying you need to "go get" jacked implies you're not jacked yet. And, that implies you fall into the category of people who are not already jacked. And, by constantly telling yourself you're not jacked, you'll subconsciously want your behaviors to align with that self-image by doing what most "not jacked" people do. They avoid the gym.

So, to avoid creating your own mental resistance—struggling to fight your way out of your own mental straight jacket—they recommend you try this instead:

Positive Self-Image Mindset: "The reason why I want to go to the gym is because I'm an active person. And, going to the gym is something that is important to me. My health is important to me. So, since I'm an active person, going to the gym is just something I do." (abundance mindset: you're the type of person who goes to the gym)

Based on my goal of raising my self-esteem, Lucio might recommend I say, "I'm the type of person who always goes for it and does his best no matter the situation."

And, I think we can combine these two concepts to create something truly impactful here:

Ali: "The reason why I want to go for it and do my best regardless of the situation is because I'm a driven person. And, going for difficult situations is something that is important to me. My strength of character is important to me. So, since I'm a driven person, going for it and doing my best is simply something I do." (abundance mindset: you're the type of person who goes for it and does his best no matter the situation)

The shorter format I'm using right now is:

Ali: "As a driven person (i.e. as the type of person who always seeks out opportunities for growth), I always go for it and do my best no matter the situation."

Internalizing This Identity: Consistency Is Key

Now, to fully internalize this new identity (which now doubles as a new, empowering self-image), I'll make aligning my identity with my actions my obsession by acting in accordance with that new identity as often as possible.

And, by as often as possible, I mean any and every chance I get. As Lucio says, I'll make this obsession "a daily deposit into the power of my mind".

Positive and Negative Reinforcement: Train Your Brain

I'll also be emotionally rewarding myself with pride every time I go for it and do my best (regardless of the situation) and emotionally punishing myself with disappointment whenever I don't (even if I still end up lucking my way onto a win, I won't celebrate it if my actions didn't align with my identity).

*Note: I'm also wondering if this could be a space to encourage the use of self-development-focused collaborative frames. (E.g. "It's not about going for it because you're being hard on yourself. Rather, you're going for it and doing your best because you have important, high-quality traits to build that your future self will be very grateful for. Thus...it's really about being as kind as you can to the man you want to become.")

Strategy #2: Change Your Rules

One of the traits of a high-quality man is "He Generates His Own Self-Esteem". And, as you may know, becoming a top high-quality man is something I've been working toward for years now (more recently being able to better focus my efforts thanks to Lucio's work).

So, I created this (golden) rule for myself:

Rule #1: "High-quality men always go for it and do their best no matter the situation."

And, whenever I want to shy away from going for it, remembering this rule reminds me of my goal and gives me power.

You might've noticed that I embedded this rule into my self-image mindset above too:

Ali: "My strength of character is important to me (i.e. taking one step closer to becoming a more high-quality man is important to me)."

Strategy #3: Change The Past (Reframe)

This is an addition to the positive reinforcement of emotionally rewarding myself with pride.

Whenever it hurts after having gone for it and done my best, I'll remember this:

Ali: "The worse my moment, the more I can emotionally reward myself because I am proud of myself every time I go for a difficult situation and do my best because I am able to prove and validate to myself my strength of character while growing my personal power."

The most important idea here is that I wasn't paralyzed by fear and I didn't walk away from that difficult situation. I went for it. And, I did my best.

And, for that on its own, I can be very proud of myself.

More Notes:

Neuro associative conditioning didn't work for me: was really hoping it would given that it's a strategy of Tony Robbins. But, alas, maybe I'll try it again in the future with the help of a professional for better results.

Would love to try shock scramble therapy, but I'm not sure I have enough fears left to do that: grateful to say that I've made a lot of progress in my antifragile ego over the past year. Unluckily, that means strategies like this one (that also seem cool) get left out.

Trying not to overload myself: was going to include the "Change Your Values" one, but I think it might overwhelm me to remember all of these mindsets and strategies. I think I have enough tools in my toolbelt now for 99% of situations. And, if it turns out I'm wrong, all good, I'll simply add that one later.

The "embrace mortality" mindset has been dismantled and abandoned. I found too many holes in it, many of which aren't worth investing the time and effort to "fix" when a stronger antifragile ego would easily suffice.

So, I read all of Ultimate Power again and took more notes this time around.

Here's my new plan of action to develop my self-esteem:

Strategy #1: Change Who You Are

The Better Ideas YouTube channel explored the best methods for dealing with resistance when it comes to going to the gym and working out. They say that the best method top performers use to overcome that resistance is to practice an abundance mindset by making their desired activity or behavior align with their self-image.

E.g.

Negative Self-Image Mindset: "I need to go to the gym because I need to go get jacked." (scarcity mindset: you need to "go get" something, which implies you don't already have it)

Saying you need to "go get" jacked implies you're not jacked yet. And, that implies you fall into the category of people who are not already jacked. And, by constantly telling yourself you're not jacked, you'll subconsciously want your behaviors to align with that self-image by doing what most "not jacked" people do. They avoid the gym.

So, to avoid creating your own mental resistance—struggling to fight your way out of your own mental straight jacket—they recommend you try this instead:

Positive Self-Image Mindset: "The reason why I want to go to the gym is because I'm an active person. And, going to the gym is something that is important to me. My health is important to me. So, since I'm an active person, going to the gym is just something I do." (abundance mindset: you're the type of person who goes to the gym)

Based on my goal of raising my self-esteem, Lucio might recommend I say, "I'm the type of person who always goes for it and does his best no matter the situation."

And, I think we can combine these two concepts to create something truly impactful here:

Ali: "The reason why I want to go for it and do my best regardless of the situation is because I'm a driven person. And, going for difficult situations is something that is important to me. My strength of character is important to me. So, since I'm a driven person, going for it and doing my best is simply something I do." (abundance mindset: you're the type of person who goes for it and does his best no matter the situation)

The shorter format I'm using right now is:

Ali: "As a driven person (i.e. as the type of person who always seeks out opportunities for growth), I always go for it and do my best no matter the situation."

Internalizing This Identity: Consistency Is Key

Now, to fully internalize this new identity (which now doubles as a new, empowering self-image), I'll make aligning my identity with my actions my obsession by acting in accordance with that new identity as often as possible.

And, by as often as possible, I mean any and every chance I get. As Lucio says, I'll make this obsession "a daily deposit into the power of my mind".

Positive and Negative Reinforcement: Train Your Brain

I'll also be emotionally rewarding myself with pride every time I go for it and do my best (regardless of the situation) and emotionally punishing myself with disappointment whenever I don't (even if I still end up lucking my way onto a win, I won't celebrate it if my actions didn't align with my identity).

*Note: I'm also wondering if this could be a space to encourage the use of self-development-focused collaborative frames. (E.g. "It's not about going for it because you're being hard on yourself. Rather, you're going for it and doing your best because you have important, high-quality traits to build that your future self will be very grateful for. Thus...it's really about being as kind as you can to the man you want to become.")

Strategy #2: Change Your Rules

One of the traits of a high-quality man is "He Generates His Own Self-Esteem". And, as you may know, becoming a top high-quality man is something I've been working toward for years now (more recently being able to better focus my efforts thanks to Lucio's work).

So, I created this (golden) rule for myself:

Rule #1: "High-quality men always go for it and do their best no matter the situation."

And, whenever I want to shy away from going for it, remembering this rule reminds me of my goal and gives me power.

You might've noticed that I embedded this rule into my self-image mindset above too:

Ali: "My strength of character is important to me (i.e. taking one step closer to becoming a more high-quality man is important to me)."

Strategy #3: Change The Past (Reframe)

This is an addition to the positive reinforcement of emotionally rewarding myself with pride.

Whenever it hurts after having gone for it and done my best, I'll remember this:

Ali: "The worse my moment, the more I can emotionally reward myself because I am proud of myself every time I go for a difficult situation and do my best because I am able to prove and validate to myself my strength of character while growing my personal power."

The most important idea here is that I wasn't paralyzed by fear and I didn't walk away from that difficult situation. I went for it. And, I did my best.

And, for that on its own, I can be very proud of myself.

More Notes:

Neuro associative conditioning didn't work for me: was really hoping it would given that it's a strategy of Tony Robbins. But, alas, maybe I'll try it again in the future with the help of a professional for better results.
Would love to try shock scramble therapy, but I'm not sure I have enough fears left to do that: grateful to say that I've made a lot of progress in my antifragile ego over the past year. Unluckily, that means strategies like this one (that also seem cool) get left out.
Trying not to overload myself: was going to include the "Change Your Values" one, but I think it might overwhelm me to remember all of these mindsets and strategies. I think I have enough tools in my toolbelt now for 99% of situations. And, if it turns out I'm wrong, all good, I'll simply add that one later.

Ali Scarlett@01ascarlett

1,170 PostsTopic Author

Empowered Member

#62 · June 18, 2021, 6:06 pm

Another mindset I'm working on is being more humble. I think that's something that social charmers like George Clooney embody very well that I could definitely learn from.

Here's how I'm going about it:

Strategy #1: The Multi-Universe Theory - "Do your best"

An example is all of the compliments I received on the infographic I made.

The compliments felt good. More from the perspective of, "I'm an even more value-adding member of TPM now and these compliments are the proof."

I don't need compliments from others as much anymore, but it still feels good to get compliments from a select few people that I admire, both Lucio and Matthew falling into that category. So, it felt good to know that my contribution was valued (the "thank yous" also worked in encouraging me to provide more feedback in future posts for that thread :).

Yet, as I said, I'm working on being more humble.

So, imagine for a moment that there are other universes with other Ali's who don't know graphic design. So, no infographic was ever made.

And, imagine that there are universes with Ali's who do indeed know a bit about graphic design, but who produced an infographic that was utter shit. No value added.

The point is, this was only one possibility of possible thousands. I simply went for it and did my best, and I'm proud of myself for simply doing that. And, I'm glad that the results that came from me doing my best added value to this community, but it was a result of me doing my best and, instead of focusing on the compliments, that's what I want to focus on.

I'm looking forward to embodying this mindset more often moving forward. I think it will make me more pleasant to be around in the forum.

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.

Lucio Buffalmano@lucio

6,663 Posts

#63 · June 19, 2021, 6:47 pm

Awesome stuff, Ali.

Really high-quality posts here.

Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Ali Scarlett@01ascarlett

1,170 PostsTopic Author

Empowered Member

#64 · June 25, 2021, 7:04 pm

Quote from Ali Scarlett on June 25, 2021, 7:04 pm
The Antifragile Ego: We're Making Progress!

Made some notes in my phone to remind myself of my Ultimate Power mindsets every day. I condensed the overall strategy I journaled above into what's been most impactful for me.

And, it's working.

A few days ago, I was invited to work as a member of "Model Mafia" to help hundreds of models at an acting and modeling competition. And, I let my dad cut my hair right before the event (anything on my head that could've been cut uneven, was :).

And, still, I killed it.

Multiple women were drawn to me and I made some great connections. The other guys were really nervous (and, I really don't blame them at all, I wasn't nervous, but I was very self-conscious, having to keep repeating to myself the Ultimate Power mindsets to block any negative thoughts from entering in).

For the event, the other guys were either afraid to be dominant and assertive with the models in order to direct them how we needed them to, or they were contestants and anxious about what the judges thought of them. Meanwhile, I only cared about one thing: going for it and doing my best as often as possible.

And, wow, what a hell of a difference that made :).

When I got back home I didn't want the antifragile ego development to stop. So, I took a walk on that same beach I was afraid to walk not too long ago. And, I sang as loud as I could from one end of that beach to the other (it was a good half an hour of singing). Some people looked at me, one person smiled at me, other people stared. And, I kept my mindset going until I reached the end of the beach and emotionally rewarded myself.

Now, the notes in my phone represent more to me. It's finally becoming who I am:

I spend a lot of time cooped up in the house working. So, at times like those, "I always go for it and do my best" doesn't really push me because I'm not in a position to really "go" for anything difficult. I think to myself, "Go for what? I'm locked in the house working."

So, reminding myself of that mindset as an identity is more effective when I'm in a place with limited opportunity to push myself socially: "I'm the type of person who....".

Plus, you may have noticed the second rule that I made. And, I think it deserves more attention in Ultimate Power.

Originally, it was only a small side note, "This is a daily deposit you make into the power of your mind." But, I saw so much potential in it that I updated it into a rule for when I'm in social situations:

Rule #2: "High-quality men always make daily deposits into their strength of character and personal power."

And, it works really well for me since it ties so seamlessly into the "Change The Past (Reframe)" strategy.

The Antifragile Ego: We're Making Progress!

Made some notes in my phone to remind myself of my Ultimate Power mindsets every day. I condensed the overall strategy I journaled above into what's been most impactful for me.

And, it's working.

A few days ago, I was invited to work as a member of "Model Mafia" to help hundreds of models at an acting and modeling competition. And, I let my dad cut my hair right before the event (anything on my head that could've been cut uneven, was :).

And, still, I killed it.

Multiple women were drawn to me and I made some great connections. The other guys were really nervous (and, I really don't blame them at all, I wasn't nervous, but I was very self-conscious, having to keep repeating to myself the Ultimate Power mindsets to block any negative thoughts from entering in).

For the event, the other guys were either afraid to be dominant and assertive with the models in order to direct them how we needed them to, or they were contestants and anxious about what the judges thought of them. Meanwhile, I only cared about one thing: going for it and doing my best as often as possible.

And, wow, what a hell of a difference that made :).

When I got back home I didn't want the antifragile ego development to stop. So, I took a walk on that same beach I was afraid to walk not too long ago. And, I sang as loud as I could from one end of that beach to the other (it was a good half an hour of singing). Some people looked at me, one person smiled at me, other people stared. And, I kept my mindset going until I reached the end of the beach and emotionally rewarded myself.

Now, the notes in my phone represent more to me. It's finally becoming who I am:

I spend a lot of time cooped up in the house working. So, at times like those, "I always go for it and do my best" doesn't really push me because I'm not in a position to really "go" for anything difficult. I think to myself, "Go for what? I'm locked in the house working."

So, reminding myself of that mindset as an identity is more effective when I'm in a place with limited opportunity to push myself socially: "I'm the type of person who....".

Plus, you may have noticed the second rule that I made. And, I think it deserves more attention in Ultimate Power.

Originally, it was only a small side note, "This is a daily deposit you make into the power of your mind." But, I saw so much potential in it that I updated it into a rule for when I'm in social situations:

Rule #2: "High-quality men always make daily deposits into their strength of character and personal power."

And, it works really well for me since it ties so seamlessly into the "Change The Past (Reframe)" strategy.

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.

Ali Scarlett@01ascarlett

1,170 PostsTopic Author

Empowered Member

#65 · June 25, 2021, 7:39 pm

Quote from Ali Scarlett on June 25, 2021, 7:39 pm
The Reviews Have Been Put On Hold (Possibly Indefinitely)

Looking back at some of these programs, unfortunately, their reviews are not really worth the read.

I can always come back when I have more time and drop something anyway in case anyone here is curious. But, as far as posting these reviews in the hopes that they'll provide value, I don't think it's worth it. (Dream Job was the exception out of the bunch.)

My Recent "How Power-Intelligence Helped You in Life" Reposts

Hopefully, they didn't come across as braggart.

I did my best to avoid that, only reposting quotes instead of adding any further notes that I thought wouldn't add value.

We can remember the multi-universe theory to downplay it, and that would be true. Even so, in all fairness, all the achievements I posted are a result of Lucio.

Hopefully, that doesn't go over any heads since he probably hears that all the time. But, one can take one look at the power dictionary and tell, "Oh shit, this is advanced."

So, for me to have come as far as I have and know what I know is still something I'm trying to wrap my head around. It wasn't that long ago that I didn't even know power dynamics was a thing. To this day, I can ask someone if they know what power dynamics is and be 90% sure they won't know what the heck I'm talking about (one person thought I was actually talking about electricity until I explained further :).

The growth I gained here and the skills I learned are irreplaceable. And, I know they've saved me years of pain and heartache. It's about more than being grateful for a way to overcome the pain of my past with the man I am now (and, with more growth, the man I will later be). For me, it's also about being grateful for all of the pain I'm going to avoid because I know how to survive now.

So, thanks, Lucio. I hope that my achievements in that thread help show others what a gold mine there is here.

Working to Memorize Power University

This likely won't be for a while, but I want to make a note here for accountability.

From the beginning of my journey through Power University, I wanted to memorize it.

I did my best with the index cards and they carried me far. Now, I want to do even more and even better.

I've heard positive things about Jim Kwik's Recall Masterclass. So, I'm going to take some time to memorize and re-memorize PU's foundational modules.

With everything I learn, I want to return with the best techniques and strategies so that others can have an easier time memorizing PU if they want to. And, maybe that feedback will aid in future PU updates to help students with their retention of the information.

If it turns out that being in the forum puts me in "information overload", I'll temporarily withdraw until I've completed my work with Jim Kwik. But, hopefully, it won't come to that.

The Reviews Have Been Put On Hold (Possibly Indefinitely)

Looking back at some of these programs, unfortunately, their reviews are not really worth the read.

I can always come back when I have more time and drop something anyway in case anyone here is curious. But, as far as posting these reviews in the hopes that they'll provide value, I don't think it's worth it. (Dream Job was the exception out of the bunch.)

My Recent "How Power-Intelligence Helped You in Life" Reposts

Hopefully, they didn't come across as braggart.

I did my best to avoid that, only reposting quotes instead of adding any further notes that I thought wouldn't add value.

We can remember the multi-universe theory to downplay it, and that would be true. Even so, in all fairness, all the achievements I posted are a result of Lucio.

Hopefully, that doesn't go over any heads since he probably hears that all the time. But, one can take one look at the power dictionary and tell, "Oh shit, this is advanced."

So, for me to have come as far as I have and know what I know is still something I'm trying to wrap my head around. It wasn't that long ago that I didn't even know power dynamics was a thing. To this day, I can ask someone if they know what power dynamics is and be 90% sure they won't know what the heck I'm talking about (one person thought I was actually talking about electricity until I explained further :).

The growth I gained here and the skills I learned are irreplaceable. And, I know they've saved me years of pain and heartache. It's about more than being grateful for a way to overcome the pain of my past with the man I am now (and, with more growth, the man I will later be). For me, it's also about being grateful for all of the pain I'm going to avoid because I know how to survive now.

So, thanks, Lucio. I hope that my achievements in that thread help show others what a gold mine there is here.

Working to Memorize Power University

This likely won't be for a while, but I want to make a note here for accountability.

From the beginning of my journey through Power University, I wanted to memorize it.

I did my best with the index cards and they carried me far. Now, I want to do even more and even better.

I've heard positive things about Jim Kwik's Recall Masterclass. So, I'm going to take some time to memorize and re-memorize PU's foundational modules.

With everything I learn, I want to return with the best techniques and strategies so that others can have an easier time memorizing PU if they want to. And, maybe that feedback will aid in future PU updates to help students with their retention of the information.

If it turns out that being in the forum puts me in "information overload", I'll temporarily withdraw until I've completed my work with Jim Kwik. But, hopefully, it won't come to that.

Lucio Buffalmano has reacted to this post.

Lucio Buffalmano@lucio

6,663 Posts

#66 · June 25, 2021, 8:27 pm

Thanks, but it's all you bro because you're a beast :).

On the reviews:

Quote from Ali Scarlett on June 25, 2021, 7:39 pm

The Reviews Have Been Put On Hold (Possibly Indefinitely)

Looking back at some of these programs, unfortunately, their reviews are not really worth the read.

I can always come back when I have more time and drop something anyway in case anyone here is curious. But, as far as posting these reviews in the hopes that they'll provide value, I don't think it's worth it. (Dream Job was the exception out of the bunch.)

Would you like to review the programs you've taken recently with a few strings of words and a vote?

We could put them on the "reviews" page, I think it's valuable information.
Even more valuable than reviewing books since for many of these courses there is no reliable place where to get good reviews before investing time / money.

Ali Scarlett and Matthew Whitewood have reacted to this post.

Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Ali Scarlett@01ascarlett

1,170 PostsTopic Author

Empowered Member

#67 · June 26, 2021, 4:15 am

I really like that idea, Lucio, and I think you make a great point. Right now, I'm prioritizing some other work, so let’s go for that another time.

Lucio Buffalmano and Matthew Whitewood have reacted to this post.

Ali Scarlett@01ascarlett

1,170 PostsTopic Author

Empowered Member

#68 · June 28, 2021, 3:19 pm

Quote from Ali Scarlett on June 28, 2021, 3:19 pm
Doing My Best to Master Handling Microaggressions

My Dad did what felt like a microaggression yesterday.

We had plans to go do some major grocery shopping before he leaves for Jamaica tomorrow. And, I wanted to leave the house sooner rather than later.

Noticing he was seemingly taking his time, I asked him when he wants to leave the house to take care of those errands.

Here's how I remember it:

Ali: "Dad, do you want to leave now?"

Dad: "Yes. I can't spend my time doing anything I want like you." (his back is turned, but I can tell he's joking around and probably smiling)

Ali: (giving rope technique) "Excuse me?"

Dad: (broken record technique) "I said, I can't spend my time doing anything I want like you." (having fun now, trying to nudge me to get into a "playful frame battle" with him)

Ali: (frame surfacing technique) "Why are you saying that? What do you mean by that?"

Dad: "I'm saying I can't spend my time like you." (smiling, but getting nervous as if he's about to "lose")

Ali: (controls the scope of the conversation) "I heard what you said, I'm asking what you meant by what you said. What do you mean by that?"

Dad: (frame ignores by staying quiet, almost like accepting defeat)

Ali: (shame and go higher technique) "That really wasn't nice to say."

Dad: (feels the negative judgment and tries to shame back) "Oh please man, you're so sensitive."

Ali: (controls the scope of the conversation) "It's not about sensitivity, it's about respect. And, that wasn't respectful to say."

Dad: "What was disrespectful about it?"

Ali: (DESOE's "E" technique) "It feels like you're saying your time is more important than mine."

Dad: (starts to explain himself and what he meant)

Ali: (lets it go and moves on)

I love my dad.

Unfortunately, my dad has a bad habit of competing with me on things I don't want to compete on. Such as, "Who's the harder worker," which ends up leading into, "Who's time is more valuable (i.e. who's higher status)."

The first time we had this "competition", he was upset because he expected me to clean his house for him while I was staying there temporarily. He claimed that because he's out on the road more he's automatically busier than me. I tried to reframe for collaboration with a philosophers frame, mentioning that, "It's not about location, it's about activity. Depending on what one is doing while on the road or in the house, they could be equally as busy." He felt like that frame disempowered his ability to get me to clean his house for him, so he contradicted me and said, "No, if I'm on the road, it means I'm busier."

We argued about it. Months later he found out I was, in fact, as busy as him because I was working on my book deal. And, I used that as an opportunity to bring up back my collaborative frame. He frame ignored it and redirected to being proud of me. So, even without a clear "yes", I thought that meant he bought into my frame.

When the book launched he went right back to his old frame saying, "Well, the book is over now right, so you can clean the house."

Again, I love my dad. So, I often get more emotionally invested in our "debates" than I want to. This case in the blockquote above is the best I've done so far in controlling my emotions while handling a microaggression from him. And, really, I could have ended it at his frame ignoring, but I wanted to make sure my point was made. And, it was.

After, we hopped in the car, and had a great day.

What's awesome is, my Dad has actually started learning how to communicate from how I communicate with him.

After I used the DESOE framework on him for a month, out of nowhere, he started to use it on me. It was especially interesting to hear him "Express" how he feels because, being the "rough, tough Jamaican" that he is, he rarely ever does.

Then, there's the way he loves having frame negotiations with me. He really enjoys it. So, when he calls me sensitive, I understand it's not only because he doesn't wants me taking a negative judge role, it's also because he wants our frame negotiations to be light-hearted moments when he can "play with his son".

Lucio would laugh if he could hear how our mini-frame battles go, me formally knowing all of the techniques and him doing his best to analyze and study how I debate so he can adapt and "beat me" with my own approaches :D.

Crazy to think of the different ways PU has brought what's left of my family closer. I love this. Thanks everyone.

Doing My Best to Master Handling Microaggressions

My Dad did what felt like a microaggression yesterday.

We had plans to go do some major grocery shopping before he leaves for Jamaica tomorrow. And, I wanted to leave the house sooner rather than later.

Noticing he was seemingly taking his time, I asked him when he wants to leave the house to take care of those errands.

Here's how I remember it:

Ali: "Dad, do you want to leave now?"

Dad: "Yes. I can't spend my time doing anything I want like you." (his back is turned, but I can tell he's joking around and probably smiling)

Ali: (giving rope technique) "Excuse me?"

Dad: (broken record technique) "I said, I can't spend my time doing anything I want like you." (having fun now, trying to nudge me to get into a "playful frame battle" with him)

Ali: (frame surfacing technique) "Why are you saying that? What do you mean by that?"

Dad: "I'm saying I can't spend my time like you." (smiling, but getting nervous as if he's about to "lose")

Ali: (controls the scope of the conversation) "I heard what you said, I'm asking what you meant by what you said. What do you mean by that?"

Dad: (frame ignores by staying quiet, almost like accepting defeat)

Ali: (shame and go higher technique) "That really wasn't nice to say."

Dad: (feels the negative judgment and tries to shame back) "Oh please man, you're so sensitive."

Ali: (controls the scope of the conversation) "It's not about sensitivity, it's about respect. And, that wasn't respectful to say."

Dad: "What was disrespectful about it?"

Ali: (DESOE's "E" technique) "It feels like you're saying your time is more important than mine."

Dad: (starts to explain himself and what he meant)

Ali: (lets it go and moves on)

I love my dad.

Unfortunately, my dad has a bad habit of competing with me on things I don't want to compete on. Such as, "Who's the harder worker," which ends up leading into, "Who's time is more valuable (i.e. who's higher status)."

The first time we had this "competition", he was upset because he expected me to clean his house for him while I was staying there temporarily. He claimed that because he's out on the road more he's automatically busier than me. I tried to reframe for collaboration with a philosophers frame, mentioning that, "It's not about location, it's about activity. Depending on what one is doing while on the road or in the house, they could be equally as busy." He felt like that frame disempowered his ability to get me to clean his house for him, so he contradicted me and said, "No, if I'm on the road, it means I'm busier."

We argued about it. Months later he found out I was, in fact, as busy as him because I was working on my book deal. And, I used that as an opportunity to bring up back my collaborative frame. He frame ignored it and redirected to being proud of me. So, even without a clear "yes", I thought that meant he bought into my frame.

When the book launched he went right back to his old frame saying, "Well, the book is over now right, so you can clean the house."

Again, I love my dad. So, I often get more emotionally invested in our "debates" than I want to. This case in the blockquote above is the best I've done so far in controlling my emotions while handling a microaggression from him. And, really, I could have ended it at his frame ignoring, but I wanted to make sure my point was made. And, it was.

After, we hopped in the car, and had a great day.

What's awesome is, my Dad has actually started learning how to communicate from how I communicate with him.

After I used the DESOE framework on him for a month, out of nowhere, he started to use it on me. It was especially interesting to hear him "Express" how he feels because, being the "rough, tough Jamaican" that he is, he rarely ever does.

Then, there's the way he loves having frame negotiations with me. He really enjoys it. So, when he calls me sensitive, I understand it's not only because he doesn't wants me taking a negative judge role, it's also because he wants our frame negotiations to be light-hearted moments when he can "play with his son".

Lucio would laugh if he could hear how our mini-frame battles go, me formally knowing all of the techniques and him doing his best to analyze and study how I debate so he can adapt and "beat me" with my own approaches :D.

Crazy to think of the different ways PU has brought what's left of my family closer. I love this. Thanks everyone.

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Lucio Buffalmano@lucio

6,663 Posts

#69 · June 28, 2021, 5:56 pm

Great stuff, Ali!

Overall, the dynamics seem good.

And you dad learning in real time, respect! 🙂

P.S.:
Also consider that as you grow, you might start considering letting people around you "win" sometimes.
Sometimes, especially for some men who have more troubles with vulnerability, throwing one's weight around a bit can be an indirect, way of seeking someone's recognition.

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Have you read the forum guidelines for effective communication already?

Matthew Whitewood@cheeweijie

1,704 Posts

Empowered Member

#70 · June 28, 2021, 8:34 pm

Quote from Lucio Buffalmano on June 28, 2021, 5:56 pm

P.S.:
Also consider that as you grow, you might start considering letting people around you "win" sometimes.
Sometimes, especially for some men who have more troubles with vulnerability, throwing one's weight around a bit can be an indirect, way of seeking someone's recognition.

I never thought of it this way. I can see this means power moves can stem from more innocent intentions rather than Machiavellian intentions.

So it may be wise to dig deeper and think about people's drivers like what Workplace Poker advises rather than assume the worst. (This is family but drawing a similar principle of observing rather than drawing conclusions fast)

Similarly, I realised that my father likes to throw his weight around as a way to control the amount of recognition he gets.

I was thinking if it was possible to draw out a more direct, assertive way of communicating on a general level:

Sometimes I feel that you would like something but you are not telling me directly.

Or is it better to give indirectly in the relationship sometimes if you can manage the dynamic without being direct?

Edit

I read the article on Machiavellianism. So it's important to identify whether a person is low-Mach or high-Mach when he is throwing his weight around.