Assertiveness is a style of communication as well as a specific approach to interpersonal relationships that relies on clear and direct communication, self-respect, and respect for others.
Contents
INTRO
To become assertive, we first need to learn what assertive is.
And it’s especially useful to compare assertiveness with the other styles of communication.
Here is an overview:
Assertiveness includes:
- Boundaries: Having, maintaining, and enforcing personal boundaries of:
- Basic respect: expecting and demanding respectful behavior
- Privacy: declining to answer or discuss questions and topics that feel too personal or nosy
- Time: choosing what and when to do, not allowing others to “task” you without your full consent
- Personal freedoms: freedom of choice, of holding different opinions, etc.
- Timely and honest communication: assertive communication is timely, honest, precise, and often direct. It includes the communication of wants, needs, emotions, feelings, goals, and boundaries.
- Expecting and encouraging honest and direct communication: expecting, demanding, and/or encouraging direct and honest communication from others
- Standing behind one’s choices, opinions, & feelings: the assertive communicator acknowledges and stands behind his choices, opinions, and feelings
Boosting Assertiveness
Most social skills and communication resources present assertiveness as the sweet spot between submission and aggression.
And they all encourage to adopt assertive communication.
The Power Moves mostly supports that advice, and adds a few twists:
Assertive Boost #1: Learn & Use ALL Communication Styles
Social effectiveness is all about calibrating to people and situations.
To maximize your chances of success in life, you need to learn and master the whole communication spectrum, including submission and aggression.
Why?
- To better understand others: learning to read people empowers you to better socialize, influence, and possibly, to also help people grow
- To adapt and strategize: different environments and different situations call for different styles of communication
Because each style has its strategic use in socialization.
Sometimes acting submissive, and letting others have -or feel– higher power is strategically the best option.
And some other times, you might have to act more aggressively to meet aggression with aggression.
So in the next lessons, we will learn when and how to use each one.
Assertive Boost #2: Be Assertive AND Persuasive
Most assertiveness resources define assertiveness along these lines:
State your needs, wants, and feelings, without trying to influence or persuade others.
The Power Moves does not embrace the second part.
Persuasion and influence are at the core of personal power and efficacy.
There is no added value or glory in “not trying to influence others”.
Positive persuasion comes naturally to high-quality individuals, and if you use it well, it’s a good thing.
So this is assertiveness defined within a high-quality, high-power perspective:
To state your needs, wants, feelings, and opinions clearly and directly, to respect yourself as well as others, and to influence the world around you, including other people, to reach certain goals
How Often You Should Use Assertive Talk
There is no rule carved in stone.
How frequently you should be assertive depends on a number of factors, including:
- Where you’re at in your life and career: it might pay off to say “yes” to your boss even when you’d want to say “no”, sometimes (Caldwell, 2018)
- Where you’re at in the mastery curve: beginners might learn quicker if they just accept and do what the teacher says
- Your culture: different cultures expect more or less assertion, depending on your status, gender, and role
- Your goals and chosen strategies: sometimes it pays off to be strategically more submissive, or more aggressive
- Gender (more later)
- Who you’re dealing with: Calibrating is a good idea (Cruz, 2018). Be softer with those who are more on the submissive side.
But as a big rule of thumb, you should probably be using assertion the majority of your time, between 50 to 95%.
And the rest either submission or aggression, with a (very!) rare dip into passive-aggression.
Assertiveness & Power
There is an overlap between “assertive” and “high-power”.
People who master assertion tend to come across as confident, high-power, and generally high-quality individuals who get things done.
And since assertive individuals don’t overpower others, they also tend to develop strong long-term relationships (see “basic strategies of power“).
That enables assertives to develop win-win far more than aggressive individuals can.
Assertiveness & Vulnerability
One of the biggest secrets of marrying assertiveness with power is this:
High-power assertion includes high-power vulnerability, such as admitting one’s own negative or antisocial feelings.
Attention: not all vulnerability is good.
We’re talking about high-power vulnerability here. This is the “accepting one’s own dark side” we talk about on this website.
If you don’t accept your dark side, you can be high power, and still act unassertive.
See an example here:
Rossi: We don’t have any problem
Marquez: (offers handshake, and Rossi refuses)
Rossi: (looks passive-aggressive)
Rossi was high-power, but he didn’t add the high-power vulnerability of admitting his negative feelings.
Compare now to this other approach:
Interviewer: So in the past 2 years you’ve been like two old friends again
Lorenzo: No, I don’t think we are friends
This is high power assertive.
Lorenzo admits very candidly of not being friends with Rossi. All the while complimenting him and building him up.
High-power, and high-quality.
Assertiveness Beliefs
First, the beliefs holding you back from reaching assertiveness:
Poor Beliefs to Get Rid Of
- “Dark” feelings such as anger and will to power are bad to have an even worse to show
This is what we’ve just seen with the video example.
See an example from Ray Dalio, and read this good discussion on why some (some!) left-wing folks come across as hypocrites.
- Assertiveness means getting your own way all the time
No, that’s aggression. Assertiveness is meant to put you on an equal footing with other people.
- Being assertive means being selfish
No, being assertive means being fair and high-power.
However, you can be “individualistic“.
- Other people can’t handle my assertiveness
That’s actually demeaning, to think of others as weak.
- People should be more considerate
“Shoulds” are usually weak positions to be in.
When you hold this belief, you either don’t believe that you should tell them to act differently since they should know, or you believe that you must yell at them because they should know better and you have to set them straight.
- I’m afraid of being assertive and failing
You will fail.
And that’s great, failing is learning.
- I have to convince others
As a rule of thumb:
All the “I have to” apply unneeded and often counterproductive pressure on you (Ellis, 1988).
When you hold this belief, you either never start sharing your opinion, or you get angry when you cannot change other people’s minds.
- I must look good, strong, and happy
This is about emotional assertiveness.
And it includes all acts of “concealing” emotions in order to look better to others.
It might be one of the major causes of male aggression, female anger repression, passive-aggression, as well as general communication breakdown.
Many men feel it’s not OK to admit their personal struggles or request (emotional) help.
So they deny their true feelings to others and to themselves and seek to have their needs met with aggression or covert-aggression.
Again, this is not to say “parade your weakness”, to wallow in self-pity, or to always be “vulnerable”.
But some men can gain with more open, honest, and high-power communication.
Assertive Beliefs to Install
And now the positive beliefs of assertiveness:
- I am a respect-worthy man and so are most others
- I’m in charge of my behavior, others are in charge of theirs <—- this takes the pressure off from speaking up because you’re not forcing anyone. Only stating your position.
- I decide for myself what I will and will not do
- People may ask anything, and I can decline anything
- I may make mistakes, but I am still a worhty, respectable human <— Good men need it. They accept abuse after a mistake because they feel the pressure to be “good” and effective. Growth mindset and antifragile ego help solve this issue.
- I can be illogical with my decisions <—- Effective against manipulators looking for reasoning “faults”. Avoid the argument altogether. Your choices are valid for the simple fact that you chose them
- I don’t know everything, and neither should I
- I can ask for help <— Useful for men who “suffer in silence”
- I am not responsible for other people’s problems <— Great against emotional manipulation
- Direct talk is better than covert because covert sounds passive-aggressive
- Others can give advice, but I make my decisions
- I am my own judge, I don’t have to justify myself to others
🔎 Example:
Covert aggressor: Why did you do it that way?
Weak: (starts justifying, then accepts the aggressor’s explanation on how it should be done)
Empowered: Because, that’s what I chose to do
🔎 Example 2:
Aggressor: BS! what makes you even think that!
Weak: (accepts the aggression, justifies, then accepts he is wrong)
Empowered: Number 1, don’t talk to me that way again please. And number 2, we can talk about rationale after you speak respectfully
The high-power assertive stance is this:
As long as I remain within the law and my moral code, I can think, say, and do as I please 🦅
Assertive Communication
A quick chart overview:
While passive and passive-aggressive avoid communication, assertive individuals speak up.
They speak:
- Early: speak early to avoid stewing
- Directly: state your needs and wants clearly and directly
- Respectfully: but with respect and consideration for others
Take this new mantra of assertive communication with you:
“Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t say it mean.”
-The assertiveness mantra
Assertiveness & Attachment Styles
There is an important overlap between attachment styles and assertiveness (Hanks, 2016).
As an overview:
For more on attachment styles, see:
Summary
Assertiveness is a crucial skill to develop in life.
Assertive people are more successfull both socially, and in life.
This article showed you some key traits and beliefs of assertive communicators.
❗ This is a preview from Power University. Alumni please go here for the superior assertiveness module❗
