How to Lead to Gets Girls

man leads a woman while dancing

Leadership is not only crucial to lead groups, but it’s also the essence of seduction.

Women prefer men who are more powerful, dominant, and generally “higher value”, than they are.

And leadership ties all of them together.
Leadership is the best -and healthiest way to convey high-value, as well as power and dominance.

Strong and positive leadership is how you get laid—or manage a relationship—as a high-quality man.

a man takes a woman's hand walking

Leadership & Seduction

Says AMS, the author of “Alpha Male Strategies”:

If you a woman to submit in bed, she must submit to you outside of it

Indeed, sex can be seen as the final act of submission.

When she agrees to sex, she accepts his leadership, recognizes him as the most dominant party in the relationship, and recognizes him as a good partner to mate with.

Of course, there are exceptions to almost any rule, and there are cases in which women do most of the work. 
However, the vast majority of the time, women are passive and want men to take charge.
That’s why, albeit sex might happen without his leadership, good and proper seduction always requires male leadership.

And the opposite is true: there is no seduction without leadership.
If the man doesn’t lead, in most cases, the two stay put, and the seduction does not happen.

When She Accepts His Leadership, She Accepts Him

When a girl accepts your leadership, she accepts you.

She accepts your leadership, your authority, and your power over her, and things look golden for you.

Some signs that she accepts your leadership are:

  • She follows you -physically and intellectually-
  • She answers your questions
  • She does what you ask
  • She changes her mind based on what you say
  • She accepts your frames or relinquishes her frames to make room for yours

When She Refuses His Leadership, She Refuses Him

If she refuses your leadership, she refuses you as a potential sexual mate.

If she refuses your leadership, you have little chance of seducing her until she changes her mind -but hey, you can still be friends :)-.

One or two times her refusing him might not spell the end of the seduction if he knows how to recover. But if she refuses him too many times in a row, it starts looking bleak for him.

That’s why men must assess the likelihood of her following his leadership before actually leading her.
It’s best to be strategic and lead when you feel she is likely to follow your lead, instead of asking too soon or too much and getting denied.

Read an example here in the forums.

How to Lead & Seduce

General principles to make her want to follow your leadership:

  • Focus on being a high-value, high SMV man: that’s 70% of her wanting to follow
  • Focus on providing value-adding leadership: a value-adding leader makes the pie larger for both and generally beats value-taking leaders
  • Don’t be afraid of telling her to do things: just tell her, so simple, yet so effective. This is where most men fail: they never ask for anything
  • Start with small requests, then work your way up: from “tell me about you” to “show me your tattoo” to “let’s go sit there” to “I’ll show you my place, let’s go”, this is a good and natural leadership progression
  • Calibrate the steps to her interest and comfort level: if she refuses, rebuild some goodwill, some rapport, and some value before leading again. If she complies, keep on going
  • Take her opinion into account: collaborative leadership, a form of “enlightened collaboration” almost always beats selfish leadership, especially for long-term relationships. Don’t go drill sergeant-style, go “we’re in this together” leadership
  • “Sell” your ideas well: instead of just saying “let’s go back to my place” say, “yeah, it’s winding down here, come over, I’ll show you that fish-tank, it’s breathtaking at night”
  • Use well-known persuasion principles:
    • Because: “because” to your requests increases compliance: “let’s go sit there because here it’s too noisy”
    • Pick your battles: Ignore or avoid getting bogged down in unhelpful frames or requests
    • Assume the close: In make-or-break situations, assume she will follow your lead

1. Become More of A Leader In General

The best way to lead girls to seduction?

To lead anywhere else in life.

Being a leader outside of seduction helps you become a more effective leader when it comes to seducing.

Here are a few tips:

  • Become a manager at work
  • Become a business owner with employees
  • Get into leadership roles in your clubs / sport’s group
  • Build a social circle from scratch with you at the epicenter
  • Teach something you know very well
  • Take dance classes -dance styles where you lead the woman-
man leads a woman while dancing

2. Lead Her More!

And ask her to do things.

We call it “tasking” here.

You ask a girl when you tell her to do something.

Tasking is a strong indicator of where the power lies in a relationship.
Those who assign tasks, tend to be the leaders.
Those who execute the tasks, tend to be the followers who accept the tasker’s leadership -unless they’re very skilled at executing, see the article on tasking-.

A woman who executes his tasks communicates she accepts his leadership.

And if she keeps accepting his leadership as the relationship progresses, chances are she will accept him as a lover as well.

If you have seen the movie Scarface, Elvira constantly rejected Tony’s advances.
But by this scene, we know things have changed.
Because Elvira is doing what Tony asks her to do:

Tony: Why don’t we have a couple of drinks. Come on, I like Scotch (points to the minibar)
Elvira: Sure, why not (pours the drinks for both of them)
Tony: Come here. Come on. Come on. Sit here. I want to talk to you. Sit down. I’m not gonna bite you.
Elvira: (Sits next to him)

She prepares him a drink when he asks. And she sits next to him when he asks.
Both are examples of her following his lead and accepting his leadership.
Then, when he makes his big proposals, she’s already following his lead. And the last tasking is “I want you to really think about it”.

Executing your tasks is not just a sign that she likes you. It also increases attraction.
That’s why it’s so crucial that you’re not afraid of telling women to do some small things for you.

3. Move Things Forward

Successful men move things forward.

Move forward, ideally at the right pace, and confidently.

A common mistake for beginners here is to be too abrupt with their leadership.

Keep this saying in mind:

Moving Forward Is Winning, But Winning At All Costs Can Be Losing

But avoid getting into a mindset that you always have to win or “wrestle control of the frame“.
That leads you to operate from a bad mindset. “Having to win” is poor leadership, it’s defensive, it’s not nearly as effective, and it’s potentially abusive when taken to an extreme.

A frame of mind of “having to win at all costs” also shows a fragile ego. 
It’s men who are afraid of getting their egos hurt who need to win at all costs. And it’s pathological and abusive men who always need to overpower women.

Example of Over-Dominance

Look at this scene from “The Nights of Cabiria” as a poor example of dominance and leadership:

Him: hey you. I’m talking you, oh! Oh!
Him: (motion his head towards the passenger’s seat) get on!
Her: me?
Him: yeah, you, hurry!
Her: (wants to go, but feels disrespected already)
Him: get out
Her: what?
Him: move, get out
Her: (finally blows up)

Some of his moves, like ignoring her emotional outbursts, are great.
But overall, he is too curt, aggressive, and rude.
The man is dominant but it’s poor leadership.
Ultimately, she follows him because he has a sky-high sexual market value. But a higher quality, self-respecting woman would have probably dropped him.

From a seduction perspective, your task is to lead forward, while retaining her goodwill.
If you make your leadership about winning and pushing her, you sour the relationship. And chances increase that she will eject or reject your leadership.
Again, we go back to the basics: think pull, instead of push, and collaborative and win-win frames within value-adding leadership.

This is not to say that a more forceful leadership style will never succeed, but it meets more resistance and drives away more women.
As a rule of thumb, the asshole-leadership style fares comparatively better for short-term liaisons, but struggles to keep around high-quality women.
The collaborative, “tender-defender” type of leadership (Miller, 2015) works even better for long-term.


Life Strategy: The Enlightened Collaborator

3.2. For Relationships, Embrace The “Tender-Defender” Role

Do you remember the basic strategies of power?

And the article on frames?

They both apply to leadership for seduction as well.
Albeit some women are attracted to selfish dominance, most women, and most high-quality women, respond much better to a leadership that is both strong and caring at the same time.

Evolutionary psychologist Geoffrey Miller calls it the “tender defender” (Miller, 2016). 
But however you want to call it, as a rule of thumb, it’s indeed best to establish your leadership within a frame of team-work and collaboration

People are naturally self-centered, and women have been programmed to also seek men who make it more likely that they and their children will survive and prosper.
And that’s why women want strong leaders who can also further their own well-being, of course. 
Assholes who lead with only selfish goals in their minds and no space for anyone or anything else are potentially dangerous to women.

4. When Fearful & Doubtful, Take The Risk

Romantic leadership requires risk.

The risk is that she will reject your leadership, and hurt your ego.

You must be able to embrace that risk, take action anyway, and don’t let the outcomes overly affect you.
This goes back to mental and emotional control, which we’ve already seen is the true foundation for an empowered life.

5. Screen For Women Who Want to Follow Your Leadership

Looking for women who accept your leadership is one of the most effective ways of:

  1. Getting quick sex
  2. Finding women who are into you
  3. Getting into a relationship with women who are into you

Meet several women, discard the ones who resist your leadership, and move forward with the ones who happily accept it.

When you meet a woman who wants to follow your leadership, it means you meet a woman with whom you have great chemistry, a woman who appreciates you and your qualities.

And guess what?
That makes for a great relationship.

Leadership Showdowns

Now we get into more advanced power dynamics.

Showdowns are interpersonal escalations that resemble “power tugs of war”.
How the tug of war develops and ends will have an outsized influence over what happens next.

Well, there are leadership showdowns in seduction as well.

Look at this example from Sex And the City and try to guess what’s the crucial showdown moment:

Harry: Charlotte, I think you are the sexiest woman I’ve ever met (…) Ever since I saw you I can’t think of anything else
Charlotte: God, it’s hot, I’m sweaty, can you open the window? (<- tasks him)
Harry: (Ignores her task, keeps sexual tension on)

If Harry had obeyed Charlotte’s request to “open the window,” the seduction would have stopped, going from hot and heavy to slimy and embarrassing.
He would have communicated that she is the leader and her task matters more than his sexual drives. That would have been a huge turn-off for her.

Unwavering confidence and dominance can make all the difference between a successful seduction and an awkward mating attempt ending with a sexual harassment (or assault) charge.

Women’s Responses to His Leadership

Women’s Responses to His Leadership

We said it already:

How she reacts to your leadership—accepting or rejecting it—tells you a lot about where you stand.

But it also tells you a lot about women’s personalities.
For example, common archetypes of behavior are:

1. Meek and subservient

Some women don’t ever want to lead and are very passive in dating.

These women make it easier for men.
They are less likely to screen for very dominant men but also have a much easier time finding a boyfriend.

2. Rebellious and shit-testing

Dominant women try to lead.

They continuously task men and sometimes act catty and rebellious to his leadership.

These women can end up with very dominant men.
But, often, they have to content themselves with very submissive men because they struggle to find a dominant enough man who also happens to like dominant women -not all dominant men like dominant women-.

On average, it’s harder for these women to find a boyfriend.

3. Clueless wannabe leaders & game players

And finally, there are socially clueless women who want to lead but don’t know how.

And, most of all, they just don’t know how to get a cool guy.

They refuse his leadership and want him to chase, but don’t know how to do it and mostly shoot themselves in the foot.

This is one such example:

She left, point blank, in an attempt to make me follow her.
This is a losing strategy for women because it screens in low-quality men, who will run after her, and screens out high-quality men, who will drop her.
It’s the opposite of what a good dating strategy should do.

avoid this type. They are not only catty and confrontational, but also sneaky and unstable. They make for poor partners.

Also see:

Calibration: Leadership In Conservative Societies

Most dating coaches are based in the West.
And their advice is mostly tailored to Western-based men.

However, don’t forget that dominance and leadership are highly cultural.

Here is a story for you to highlight this point:

More than fifty years ago a young, little countryside girl visited her village on a hot summer day.
A man saw her walking by and liked her.
He went over, said hi, introduced himself, and asked about her.

Until here, not too different from what might happen today.
They exchanged some pleasantries and then the boy asked her to meet again.

The girl told him that she couldn’t.
You know, she had recently ended a relationship, and her dad didn’t allow her to date so soon again.

You can see all the weight of the conservative culture there.
The bias towards proper courtship instead of “hanging out”. Taking breaks between dating one man and another. And of course, the father approving who and when she was going to meet.

In a more libertine culture, the man might have smelled an excuse or an easy barrier to break, and he might have insisted. Maybe he might have tried to make her sit with him right away.
That might have worked too, who knows? But in that conservative environment, the odds were stacked against him. And he didn’t want her parents to see him hanging too long around her daughter.

So, the guy didn’t even try.
Instead, he asked the girl: “where do you live”.

The day after, the guy went to visit the little girl at her family’s house. He asked to see his father, introduced himself, talked about himself, and showed he was a respectable man. He said he was serious, and that waiting was unnecessary.
The father agreed and approved.

That’s how it started.
The two are still married to this day.
And a few years ago, I went back home to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.

The story I just told you is about how my father met my mother.

Now compare that to how I met girls just one generation later.
A world of difference.

Yet, what my father did was extremely dominant and leader-like. But it was bold within that culture and within the type of relationship he was seeking.

What does it mean to you?
It means that your dating and leadership must be calibrated to your culture and your goals.

By the way, you can also see a similar example from the movie The Godfather:

Godfather: (after a mix up that made the man angry)
I apologize if I offended you. I’m a stranger in this country, and I meant no disrespect to you, or your daughter.
I’m an American, hiding in Sicily. My name is Michael Corleone. And there are many people who’d pay a lot of money for that information. But then your daughter would lose a father, instead of gaining a husband.
I wanna meet your daughter, with your permission, and under the supervision of your family. With all due respect
Father: Come Sunday morning

Read these principles and how to execute them in “Seduction University“.


There is no seduction, without male leadership.

Seducing, courting, dating, getting into a relationship… They all require leadership.

And no, it doesn’t require you to be a Superman.
You are “only” required to take responsibility for making things happen, and to take action to get the things you want.

Just like in anything else in life.

This is an excerpt from Seduction University, where you find the most practical strategies and examples

Scroll to Top