Frenemies are people who are formally friends, but who do not support you or help you.
With their underhanded and passive-aggressive behavior, they can make you miserable.
And with their covert aggression they undermine your social status and chances of success.
This article will help you deal with the frenemies in your life.
Contents
What Are Frenemies
A frenemy is someone you know and interact with, but who has not your best interest in mind.
But deep down, something feels “off”.
Often, it’s because they are jealous, envious, or overly competitive.
A frenemy can be a colleague, someone you may call a friend or, sadly, even a family member.
More manipulative frenemies maintain appearances and may pretend to be warm and supportive.
If they’re good, they may succeed in hiding their uglier feelings of resentment, envy, jealousy, and anger.
So they may fly under the radar for quite some time.
But even if successful, they never want the best for you.
Frenemies are sad when you win.
And they are happy when you lose –schadenfreude-.
Sadly, frenemies are so common that they may as well be the norm rather than the exceptions.
Signs of Frenemies
Here are typical signs of frenemies:
- Jealous of your achievements
- They find underhanded ways to hurt you
- They talk behind your back
- They don’t like your status updates
- Lots of questions without (good) advice
- Passive aggressive sabotaging
- Nice words with incongruent body language
For the full guide please check:
How to Deal With Frenemies
Here are a few ways to deal with frenemies.
Remembering that frenemies are often suffering a hurt ego, focus first and foremost on the N.1 solution here:
1. Make Them Friends (Not Frenemies)
Surprised to see one as the first item?
Well, let me remind you of two things:
- More friends mean more power
- Frenemies are often frenemies because of crushed ego
Sometimes people become frenemies because they don’t feel like they can access your high value.
These frenemies are the like the fox in Fedro’s fable: the fox says the grapes are not good, but it’s only because he can’t reach them.
But lower those grapes for the fox and he’ll immediately love them.
Example: Bring Along, Instead of Bragging
Here is a real-life example for you:
Imagine a friend of yours gets rich and brags about how cool it is to drive Ferrari, eat caviar, and bang bitties.
Then he asks you “and how are you doing man?”.
How would you feel?
Maybe you’d turn a bit into a frenemy.
Now imagine this other scenario: a friend of yours gets rich.
And he invites you to see his Ferrari. Then he takes you for a ride… And then lets you drive it! Now a smile creeps up on your face, it’s the first time you drive a powerful sports car, and all thanks to your friend!
Then you two go out, and since he’s just become a millionaire he pays for your dinner… And then invites you to a nightclub full of hot pieces of asses. All on his dime for old times’ sake.
I bet you’re not so likely to turn into a frenemy now, are you?
On the contrary, you are probably extremely thankful. He is your new hero!
What’s the difference?
The difference is that the second guy made his value accessible to the friend. And when you build people up, friends don’t turn into frenemies.
Now you might not want to let everyone drive your car and pay for dinners out to everyone. And indeed you shouldn’t.
But there is a simpler way: be friendly and raise people’s status. As a matter of fact, to avoid jealousy, the better you become, the more warm and friendly you should become.
And once you start showing a welcoming side of your character and raising the social status of the people around you, you will see that most of the frenemies will U-turn.
But, of course, not all frenemies can be converted.
Some are just too spiteful, angry, and vengeful. Some of the hungriest and most driven folks don’t see you as “above them” and any overtures will only make them feel worse.
“who does he think he is”, they will think when you offer to share your wins.
Here is how to deal with the more difficult ones:
2. Don’t tell them directly they’re “bad friends”
Unless it’s a spouse, a family member, or a proven good friend who mysteriously changed, don’t confront them directly.
Direct talk is helpful sometimes, but counterproductive most of the time.
What will likely happen is this: they will deny their games and jealousy and they will resent you even more.
3. Don’t tell them you’re not friends anymore
Some guides online recommend you officialize the ending of your friendship.
I can’t think of anything more stupid to do.
Officializing the end of your friendship is akin to officializing the beginning of a new relationship: that of an enemy.
If you can avoid being friends, then end the friendship with a good old fading:
4. Pretend you didn’t notice their maneuvers
If you can’t fade them and if their underhanded maneuvers are not damaging, pretend you don’t notice their snarky remarks and underhanded tactics.
The feeling that they can’t get to you is poison to them.
The goal here is to:
- Let everyone else realize what people they are
- Not letting the frenemy know you’re ostracizing them
Frenemies are full of hatred and jealousy, it won’t take them long for people to notice.
Your job is to make that process faster and smoother: you want everyone to think badly of the frenemy and highly of you.
To do that, you will keep being warm to everyone, frenemy included. As a matter of fact, increase your charm and charisma so that everyone can notice the huge difference between you two -ie, a high-value woman or man VS a spiteful one-.
Take advantage of all the occasions in which they will over-extend themselves with their envious remarks to highlight their game for everyone -read how to deal with an underminer on how to do just that-.
6. Use them for motivation
If you have been stung by a frenemy’s backstabbing or snide you know it can be quite upsetting. Use that emotional surcharge to move ahead in life.
Once you’ll be far ahead, then you’ll only have to do the psychological work on your side to forget them.
The best revenge is a runaway success
7. Play the game
Feed them slightly negative news not to make them too jealous while you build your political power and move ahead in life.
When you’re ready to move forward and get rid of them, it will be swift and final.
Also read:
8. Cut them off (fade them)
This is the most important step.
The APA Handbook on relationships says that friends are healthy.
UNLESS they’re bad friends.
Poor friends and toxic people are UN-healhty.
Keep this in mind: the poison that frenemies bring into your life makes you worse off.
You don’t need that.
However, we still recommend being strategic.
Don’t cut them off abruptly or that may turn them into enemies.
Instead, fade them.
Fading someone means slowly but surely disappearing from their lives.
It works like this:
- Pick less and less of their calls
- Answer late to their texts. If they reply quickly, answer at an hour when they aren’t likely to be texted back.
- Say that yes, you should catch up eventually… you’re just so busy these days and traveling often.
- When you meet, tell them you can only meet at X time (time that works for you) for X amount of time (no more than one hour) and at X place (a place which is convenient for you).
Then rinse and repeat until they fade out of your life.
If You’re The Frenemy
Dear readers,
To become the best possible people we can be, we need to face reality.
And reality says that we all have a dark side of bad feelings, repressed emotions, and secrets we would rather not share.
But worry not: we all have it.
Some of us have a bit more, and we might even be born with it. According to psychoanalyst Melanie Klein certain people are prone to feel envious.
She recognized it in babies as babies who showed a greedy attitude in hogging their mothers and resenting their fathers and siblings.
I can’t go back that far with my memory, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I was such a baby.
But here is the good news: we can all overcome it. I am in the process of stamping out any frenemy feelings from myself.
Here is how:
- Develop an antifragile ego
- Develop a growth mindset
- Own your dark side
- Remind yourself that successful friend make you more successful
- Develop your own goals, chase relentlessly and all else will matter less
And here are a few more techniques that Greene recommends in The Laws of Human Nature:
- Get closer -and you’ll realize it’s just people with nothing special-
- Compare yourself with those who are lower than you as well
- Turn envy into a desire for emulation
- Admire high achievements as a sign of human potential
When Frenemies Are Your Family
You would hope that frenemies are limited to people from your outer circle, right?
Well, in an ideal world, there would be no frenemies at all.
But of course, you know that we don’t live in an ideal world. And sometimes our frenemies are the people who can hurt us the most: our own family members.
This deserves its own section because in some cases family frenemies can really scar people psychologically and for life.
When the frenemy is a brother
Evolutionary psychology tells us that among kin there is a natural, non-written battle as to who’s getting more resources from their parents.
Sometimes that means pleasing their parents more, getting higher grades in school, or, of course, trying to paint the other brother(s) and sister(s) as unworthy.
Many of these relations normalize once you are an adult, once you are out of the family nest or once either of you stops depending on your parents’ resources and approval -weaning off approval takes longer, and sometimes a whole life is not enough-.
The best way to address it is to first become an adult yourself.
Then helping your kin get closer to your parents, take a step back and act very warm and loving with your brothers and sisters.
When the frenemy is a father
It’s a sad reality of life that in some rare cases, a frenemy can be a parent.
Most of the time it happens to same-gender children.
For some fathers, it’s the fear of losing the “lion’s position in the house”.
If you are the child, you can make it easier on your father by showing respect and keeping him in the top dog position. Even nominally keeping him there is often enough.
Some other times the frenemy relationship with a father happens because he doesn’t see in you the traits that are important to him and/or he doesn’t see himself in you.
You see, mothers know that you are their child. But when a father sees nothing of himself in you, a nasty process of emotional rejection can take place.
You should never try to appease your father as that would mean living a life that is not true to you.
And you should not display the opposite but actually equivalent reaction, such as trying to prove him wrong by doing the exact opposite of what he wants.
What you can do is try to explain the dynamic of what’s happening to him and that you love him but that he is ruining your relationship with that behavior. You love and have your own way of living life.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if he could accept you as you are, because you love him just the way he is?
Alternatively, you could do therapy with him.
It works with some fathers.
With some, it doesn’t and they’d never join a therapy with you. You have done your best.
When the frenemy is a mother
Having a frenemy relationship with a father is terrible.
But with a mother, it’s even worse. The impact they can have on the psyche of their children is disastrous.
Mothers sometimes fear losing the position of queen of the house. They can be especially jealous of the father/daughter relationship.
She will try to put you down, criticize you, and drive a wedge between you and your father.
In some other cases, and the two often overlap, the mother can resent the youth and opportunities their daughter is enjoying.
For example, if the daughter is traveling and enjoying an easy life, you can recognize a frenemy mother by the comment she makes on you “party all the time like a floozy”.
If you have a rich husband she might say that you “go through life squandering other people’s money” and “what are you going to do if he leaves you?”
In some cases, mothers will flirt with their daughters’ boyfriends and in extreme cases sleep with them or, it happened to, make out with them in front of their daughters.
These are usually highly narcissistic mothers.
In case it’s not full-blown -narcissism is on a scale-, you can talk to her or do therapy.
But if it’s full-blown narcissism, there is usually no changing it.
The work you must do here is on your side, and it’s mental.
You must first understand the impact it’s had and it’s having on you. Then work on yourself to make yourself independent of your mother’s unhealthy effects.
Once you are independent, you can resume the relationship.
But if you still get nothing good from it and only pain and abuse, you can consider cutting contact forever.
If you are in this position I can recommend the wonderful book Will I Ever Be Good Enough.
Here is an example of a narcissistic mother who is more concerned about her appearance than her own daughter’s pregnancy:
You can notice her reaction: the reaction of a daughter who is still dependent on her approval but cannot get it.
The Psychology of Frenemies
Frenemies are common because it’s human nature.
We are at the same time both social animals and egoistical, self-serving machines.
Our friends, often, are both allies and competitors (David Buss, 2019)
When we look at ourselves we don’t do so objectively or by comparing ourselves to our previous selves. But we look at ourselves in comparison with others.
That means that when a friend of ours is going places and doing amazing things, on one side he is doing well for himself.
But from our subjective point of view, he is also making us feel bad. His successes are a constant reminder that “we are not OK”.
In a way, the phenomenon of frenemies is a consequence of ego-protection.
A more dangerous twist that frenemies can take is not to look within themselves at all, but to blame the object of their frustrations. This is how many hate groups feed themselves.
The Sociology of Frenemies
The success of our friends have very real consequences for our lives.
Just imagine this situation: you are making 50k a year, the most in your social circle. Men think you’re very good at your job, women want you and you feel like a big shot.
Then more and more people start getting 80k-a-year jobs.
And one of them lands a 120k promotion with a top employer. He’s on fire and it looks like he might one day lead that company.
In theory, that’s good for you because they can help you secure future jobs and you know that options are power.
But they are also making you comparatively worse in your group. People don’t look up to you anymore, they don’t come to you for career and life advice and women don’t want you nearly as much.
See where I’m going?
Frenemies are the norm because the success of our friends can make us worst off. Their successes are pushing us down in the social rankings.
Note: saying it’s normal it’s NOT the same as saying you shouldn’t do something about your frenemy’s feelings.
As a matter of fact, you should do your darn best to rid yourself of jealousy and freudenschade. They are ugly feelings and they poison you.
The Closeness Rule
People, usually, do not develop envy and jealousy for people who are either too far up or too lowly beneath.
If a guy is a first-level manager at his company, he doesn’t usually develop frenemy feelings towards the CEO or Jack the door guard.
Why is that so?
Well, to begin with, from a social point of view, the people in our social circle are usually the ones who are around the same level.
Similarly, geography plays a role because far away people are not in our social circle. We don’t feel in competition with someone who is doing our exact same job but at the other end of the world (unless you’re competing in the digital space maybe).
And from a psychological point of view, people compare themselves with people they know and people who are in the same situations: those are the guys you can beat and those are the guys who can beat you.
Similar people are our competition, not the people far up or far down. And similar people end up being our psychological yardstick to reward us if we are beating them, or to punish us if they are beating us.
In a nutshell: frenemies only develop with people who are near us, both from a geographical point of view and from a “station of life” point of view.
Frenemies change over time
As a consequence of the closeness rules, it derives that frenemy is not a constant.
If you are going through a rough patch in life and a friend of yours is going strong he won’t see you as competition anymore and you’ll drop off his Freudenschade radar.
That guy won’t be a frenemy… Until you get back on your feet and go up to his level.
Or until he’s on his knees and comes back down to your level.
That creates an interesting phenomenon.
You might have a mentor one day, or some high-flying friends. They seem nice and kind to you, albeit they baby you just that little bit.
But then you start getting better and better… Until you start approaching their level. And maybe threatening to surpass it.
And then, you can either have an open enemy.. Or a frenemy.
That’s why Greene in The 48 Laws of Power says “never outshine the master”. Only outshine him when you don’t need him anymore.
SUMMARY
Frenemies are a normal part of life because it’s a normal reaction to who we are as humans.
If you are a frenemy, your task is to work on yourself to develop your mental side. That way you will become a better -and stronger- human being.
If people around you are frenemies, try to make them friends if you can. If you cannot, cut them out of your life.
And if you cannot cut them out your task is to neutralize them as much as possible until you can remove them from your life or outgrow them.
