Why The Red Pill Is Killing Your Self-Esteem

We recently started offering coaching on TPM.

It’s been great talking to many different customers and readers, and I also learned a lot.

Generally speaking, I’ve been surprised that the average guy seems far more on point and advanced than I’d have expected.
Maybe it’s because of self-selection bias given the costs, or because TPM generally caters to more advanced folks… Or maybe a bit of both and some more.


A common refrain seemed to be the issue is far more in the mind than in the real world.
Call it an “inner game” handicap, rather than an “outer game” one.

Such as:

Having more than the bare minimum to succeed, many of my clients were high-value men who lacked self-esteem, and the confidence around what they could achieve with exactly what they already had.

And the red pill may contribute to that issue.

Let’s see the case study:

Issue 1: Shifting Blame Onto Society Makes You Feel Powerless

“The West is dying” professes this guy on TRP. Maybe. And… ? Focus on yourself instead of reading dubious rants*

Yesterday’s customer started his journey with the red pill.

And he still hadn’t branched out much from there.

He mentioned Andrew Tate.
He told me the USA was a place to avoid because it was going down the drain -is truly the world’s hotbed of innovation going down the drain?-.

I’ve been criticized plenty for this, but from what I’ve seen, that is exactly one of the main issues with the red pill.
And it’s the:

  • Over focus on society and external world, rather than the self, and what you can do as an individual
  • Ceding power to society, giving for granted that it’s going to severely and majorly harm you, instead of taking for granted the opposite: that, at least for your own life, you’re far bigger than society. You can always be the exception, buck the trend, or develop your own little enclave that follows the rules and values you prefer
  • Overly pessimistic view: yes it’s true the West is full of feminists, that divorce law often harms men, that SJWs are annoying as f*ck and that many people are getting stupid with virtue signaling and woke culture.
    But it’s also true that there are plenty of feminine women, smart men, and endless ways for you to do great and live exactly the way you want.
    Plus… Have you like ever lived abroad and in developing countries? Poor infrastructure, corruption, and sloppiness everywhere. There is no perfect place in the world, and it’s true that you see what you focus on.

Anyway, you don’t usually want to contradict your client right away, so I let it develop at first.

Little later, as we moved more onto solutions, I shared the typical TPM’s mindset:

That what happens at the general and national level is “good to know” and keep in mind, and that if you can tackle it by moving: go for it (my client had already moved).

HOWEVER, the social level doesn’t in any way stop him from achieving his goals -he can always be the exception and find what he’s looking for-.

And that, since he seemed like a driven man and a winner to me, he had all it took to always be that exceptional exception.

Feeling less empowered because you ceded power to the group, society, the country, or whatever you have will certainly decrease your self-esteem.

The Red Pill moderator from that post above advertised his Telegram channel and coaching/moving services at the bottom (see any room for bias, by the way?)
All the channel does is posting alt-right, social climbing, and “look how terrible society is” memes (including antifa trannies/blacks supposedly torching cities):

If this is what’s “red pill” today, such as politics, alt-right, complotists, and complainers, you’re better off staying away from it for your own mental health and mental empowerment alike

Issue 2: Generic Advice On “Being More Dominant” Makes You Less Effective (And Less Confident)

We’re all for more power, dominance, and leadership here.

And generally speaking, more power and less “betaness” is good for many guys.

But as for everything, balance.
And nuances.

That “be more alpha” approach quickly hits a ceiling once you reach a good enough level (it’s the issue of the “ceiling glass advice”, article to follow).

And you often also need warmth to be effective in dating.

So my client’s solution to better dating results was that he always had to be more -more high power, more attractive, more of a “chad type” “pure lover“, and “more confident” because women can “smell betaness” and insecurity-.

Note that from what I could see and learn he was already a high-power, “alpha” and confident to achieve the results he wanted. I only saw a cool and high-value guy talking to him -ZERO “betaness”, as he called it-.
And I don’t think that most women are that more observant than I am.
Even if they were, it’s not like women are perfect and not themselves self-conscious (hint: they are, and they’re equally worried about how they come across than how you come across).

Indeed, when he described his last date, the woman was into him: replied, met with him, dressed up for him, met him for three dates, and followed him home.
The issue in my opinion was too much value, without escalating timely, not too little (see “straight line seduction“).
After that, it wasn’t looking too good, but it still wasn’t necessarily lost. Worth a try with a call at least, vibe and joke a bit, and then invite her for dinner at his place -what’s to lose, anyway? I got with plenty of girls doing just that, actually-.
However, he hadn’t contacted her again as that would be “too beta“. Again, focus on power, instead of simply doing what’s most effective.

Typical of red pill extremism, he also wanted to avoid dinners because “otherwise women take advantage of you and take you as a provider to milk while the fuck the “chad”.

Note now his appearance and demeanor were a lot more “alpha/mannish” than I am, but… I’ve had countless dinners and first-date sex.

And if that advice makes you less effective plus blames your lack of “alphaness” or masculinity for it -as it’s often the case in the red pill-, how are you going to feel?
Like an ineffective, effeminate beta loser, further eroding your confidence and self-esteem.

Read more here:

Why “Dating Like An Alpha Male” Is Costing You

Issue 3: The Status Game of Alphaness Distorts Reality and Creates Insecurities

As I listened, I was still searching for an explanation:

How could a good-looking, high-power, wealthy, high-status, and well-respected man lack confidence and think he had to be “more” to do well?

It’s not like he totally lacked experience, either.
He had a sexual regular, just came out of a relationship, and just went out -and had a great shot- with a girl who was exactly his type.

Then, I had a realization:

The red pill as a whole can make men less confident because manosphere and red pill communities are a game of alpha male status that make men feel lacking just like IG is a game of status that makes women feel lacking.

So to gain status in manosphere forums, men over-share, over-promote ideals, and put up a front of “maximum masculinity”, “maximum alphaness”, “top seducers”, etc., etc.

When your dad is not bigger than his dad, take out the ruler for the dick-measuring context. If you lose that, go to the gym to win the “bicep measuring contest”. If that fails, find someone to mock as a “beta”. Keep going down the “red-pill approved alpha traits list” until you stumble upon an alpha male trait or behavior you can exaggerate and brag about. Do that while ideally lecturing or putting someone else down, and mission accomplished: now you have some online status and can feel good about yourself!

Like one red pill user who wrote a good post titled “the red pill killed my game” says:

everyone speaks like they’re seduction connoisseur and what they say is 100% right

He’s absolutely right, and that’s because they’re all playing the status game.

It’s exactly like social media and IG, where the status games are:

  • One-upping others on “life success” and enjoyment, ie.: “look what a great life I have (no matter I don’t really own that car, no matter it was actually so boring on the boat, etc. etc.)”
  • One-upping others on beauty and attractiveness, ie.: “look how attractive I am (no matter how much makeup and Photoshop I use)”

Games of status can grow life on their own, and become quite stupid and toxic (Storr, 2021; Miller, 2019)
The net result of the continuous posturing is creating a world that doesn’t exist, chasing markers of status that aren’t even effective at making you better off, or achieving your goals.

So just like IG can make some women feel insecure with a fake world of beauty, success, and eternal partying without hangovers that don’t even exist, so the red pill does the same for men.
For men, the comparison is against a world of alphaness and alpha success that doesn’t exist. Men pretending to be far more “alpha” than they are in real life, and attributing their supposed success to their “alphaness” and “red pill puritanism” (and forgetting that plenty of “not so chad-dish” men enjoy equal or better success).

There’s an added handicap in the red pill compared to IG though.
And it’s that while a perfect body “works” to date better for women, “more alphaness” is a lot more about nuances.
For example, while we couldn’t agree more that power and dominance are crucial, it’s more about reaching a minimum threshold.
And power is more about strategy and mixing it with warmth, rather than “always highest power” (so, in brief: an over-focus on “more alphaness” can often make men who are already high power enough date less effectively).

Also see:

Plus our longer articles on red pill, and moving past red pill black and white mindsets.

Final Advice: Quit Red Pill Forums

Take the much good in the red pill…

… And then stop hanging around in the forums.

There are still plenty of good people and contributors, but overall, you can find better for your self-development.

Otherwise, at least avoid any thread that complains about “how there are no good women left”, “how the West is dying or already dead”, or that engages in social climbing such as brags, covert brags, or cheap one-ups on others to gain status and feel good about oneself (ie. “this is SOOO beta” type of threads).


The red pill may be a good place to start learning how dating -and the world- works.

It’s a place devoice of political correctness, and that’s great.
It’s the necessary condition to start getting closer to the “truth”, as well as learning strategies and techniques that are far more likely to work in the real world.

So don’t take this as poo-pooing on the red pill.

However, there are limitations.
Including some disempowering mindsets, a push towards “more alpha”, and lower self-esteem for comparing yourself to men who aren’t any more “alpha” than you in the real world,

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