What to text when a girl doesn’t reply?
To begin with, don’t sweat it too much: it’s a very common occurrence. No matter the looks, skills or money, everybody has been there before. Countless of times :).
It’s not always easy to turn around, but this post will give you a blueprint on what to do when she doesn’t text back (based on countless real world feedback).
What’s a Non Reply
I will define a woman non texting you back when she doesn’t answer after two of your texts.
Two Texts Is the Threshold
If two texts go unanswered a third text is a big no-no.
It’s because she will back-rationalize that if she hasn’t replied so far it’s because she didn’t like you (as explained in: Incognito, The Tao of Dating).
So the rule of thumb is: two unanswered texts, and that medium has been “burned”. You can’t use it no more.
What do you then?
Bring back the good vibes
Call is probably the very first thing I’d go for after two unanswered messages. It does a few great things for you:
Why It’s Helpful
- Opens a new channel with a clean slate
- It shows you’re not afraid of calling
- It brings back the good vibes
- Some women prefer calls
Let’s dig deeper:
Voice addresses a common reason why she hasn’t replied to your texts: feeling dissipation. When you first met there were good feelings, but they dissipated and now you’re just a few lines of text on her phone.
The phone call, with your voice and a conversation, is exactly what can bring back those good feelings in full force.
The last reason is that some women aren’t into texting (mostly older and/or very busy). They consider it a time wasting and “childlike” medium.
When you call these women they will finally see you as “man enough” to pick up the phone.
If She Picks Up
When she picks up it’s a bit like starting from a clean slate. I’ve had women propose themselves we should meet after a good phone call, and the unanswered texts become a thing of the past.
Just to be sure though avoid writing her again on the “burned” medium after the call.
Few Quick Tips
If you’re nervous:
- Call while walking
- Call in elated states (after work out or big accomplishment)
- After a few drinks
- Have a couple of stories at hand
- Keep it brisk/entertaining
- Make sure you end the conversation
2. Switch Texting Medium
Begin with a clean slate
Of course, the call might go unanswered. In which case I would leave a message on the voice mail -make it cool and nonchalant-. After a few days, if she hasn’t called back, then switch medium again with text message.
The best one if going from texts to Whatsapp (or Line or Kakao or whatever is popular).
Why It Works
Since she won’t notice the old unanswered texts:
- Doesn’t fully realize you’re chasing
- Won’t make her feel guilty she hasn’t replied so far
- Apps are free (some gal can be that broke)
- Your nice picture can remind her of positive feelings
- New medium means you’re also more novelty
In this example below, she din’t reply to my last text.
But then, look what a 180 degrees turn when I switched medium: she was thinking about inviting me for a movie but was afraid I’d refuse. Wouldn’t it have been simpler scheduling when I asked two weeks earlier? Yes, but that’s sometimes what happens with texts: it doesn’t progress but it does not necessarily mean there’s no interest from her side.
And that’s when a Text Medium Switch gives you the biggest bang for the buck.
3. Giver Text
Give instead of asking: propose something valuable
We have seen in the article of Social Exchange that one great way of getting what you want is to give other people what they want. Ideally, in the romantic realm, you won’t provide anything more than being a hot, sexy and charming man.
But life is rarely about “ideal” situations, and especially after two unanswered texts, it can be a great strategy to give her something she wants and values.
Why it Works
Right now sh perceives she perceives you as a guy who’s asking and taking.
Providing something of value breaks that dynamic and completely flips the scripts. Now you’re a giver.
The girl from the below text message played and studied a musical instrument.
What could be useful for her? Some (further) connection in the composing and music industry is a safe bet.
Now we can’t AB test that, but I’m pretty sure that after an unanswered whatsapp, an unswared call and an unanswered text this was a dead one.
So I proceed to invite her for what is useful to her.
Notice that exactly one hour later she promptly calls me back.
You don’t want to overprovide. Just give one thing that’s useful for her, hint at something more possible, and then close the deal asap.
4. Your Move Text
From chaser to raiser: her turn or that’s it
This is another text I use often and with a very good response rate. Basically you send her a message saying that you’ve tried to reach her a few times but you can’t keep going after her and… You will not. So if she’s not completely against the idea of a coffe.. It’s her turn now.
If she liked you this text can be a major wake up call that she’s losing you.
You go from “guy who’s chasing after her for… Indefinitely”, to the guy who is not going to reach out anymore and demands of her to make a step instead.
And that’s good.
I especially like to combine this one with “switching medium”. For example when I’ll text twice, call and still no answer, then I’ll send this one via another messaging app.
And here’s an example of how it works like a charm:
5. Long Pause and Ping Text
A Blast from the Past
This has a much lower hit rate.
But your text might land on some perfect timing: recent break up, or some long drought period.. And you know you can help with those ;).
You can use it as a flooding strategy: when you’re in any downtime copy paste the exact same message and send it to all the old unresponsive numbers.
You can write you were deleting old numbers; or that you either saw her or someone who looked exactly like her; or that you stumbled by mistake on that old conversation.
Anything which is gives you a plausible way to seem like you stumbled on that number/conversation by accident.
6. I am Gone Text
The Allure of the Impossible
This one works rather well too. In some instances it also worked without switching medium and after more than 2 unanswered texts (!).
It’s a huge wake up call for those women who live their dating life very passively, expecting a man on a white horse will smash their front door and drag them to a fantasy castle.
I’m exaggerating here with the imagery, but in practice, that’s how many women live their dating life.
Why it Works
It works because now all of a sudden you’re not anymore the guy who’s texting them and whom the might have one day met.. Now you’re the guy who’s gone, and that’s it.
All of sudden they remember you were a cool guy, and you become a missed opportunity. And scarcity and the human tendency of valuing what we can’t have also come to your rescue (check Influence by Cialdini).
I use it with all the girls I liked but never got around to meet while I travel. If you want to possibly meet those women when you go back, this text is more powerful than anything else you could write.
The Sneaky Variation
I don’t like lying and only used it when I really left. But nothing stops you from using it with women from your same city.
If you do, you can tell her one month later you’re back for a few days and you will then try to make things happen quickly during that time.
Don’t worry about the “truth” emerging later on, if all goes well she’ll be delighted you’re actually sticking around.
The Power Move Variation
If she’s not very forthcoming it will increase your chances if you further re-balance the relationship.
How do you that?
When she says yes to meeting up, don’t write her anymore. Then write later on, or on some occasion like her birthday to excuse yourself for not having had the time (read a step by step case study on how to use special occasions to re-build your value: recovering from a bad date with Facebook).
Power balance restored and your chances of things happening just increased.
7. I am Worried About You
This is another effective one you can use when you read some bad news in the area where she lives.
Why It Works
It positions you as someone who cares about her, which will warm her to you. And as someone who takes care of the people around them, which is a typical leader behavior –Godfather style-.
Also, bonus points if you do it because you really care.
You will notice she hadn’t replied to 3 of my messages. I had stumbled upon her in person again in the months after and we agreed for a coffe. But she hadn’t picked up the phone.
And now, after I showed I cared, she was asking questions.
Empathy & Caring as Screening Tool
It will work more effectively with people who are compassionate and emphatic themselves. And these are the kind of people you want in your life.
More than a woman also used it with me (1, 2 example), and I cherish and remember these kind of thoughtful check-ins.
If you were in a conversation, a very effective technique is to simply write her name and three suspension points. If she likes you and you didn’t do anything too wrong, this text works very well in getting a reply and get the conversation back on track.
Read the whole case study on how to text flaky girls.
Bonus: Never text these
After a Google search I realized there’s a surprising lack of good advice on this topic. However, there’s a good quantity of cra**y advice and poor understanding that I’ve experienced first hand.
Let’s quickly review some popular cringeworthy stuff hurling around:
“I guess you are busy so I will not trouble you”
This was taken from nothing less than the very first website in the Google search results for women not texting back.
This is so wrong in so many ways that I won’t even start, but leave a comment if it’s unclear and I’ll break it down.
Of course, WikiHow never fails to take a high spot in the race to the bottom. Your texts should always aim at getting her out with you, or setting up for it. That’s YOUR task as the man. “hey” puts the burden on the receiver and relinquishes control of the interaction. Oh, and BTW, a woman sending you this cr*p only ever gets: no reply; a question mark; or a “yo” as a response. Anything more is out of question.
“Why you don’t text me back”
This probably takes the crown for the worst text to send: now she’s searching for reasons WHY she doesn’t want to text you back. The only way to answer such a text is with a slap.. Hoping it will inculcate some common sense :).
“You have time to post on X but not to text me back”
Pushy, butthurt, stalk-ey and desperate all rolled into one. This text instills bad feelings in the receiver. Those bad feelings might push her to reply out of sense of guilt, but she’ll start associating your texts -and you- with those bad feelings. Also, she’ll feel like your happiness depends on her and she has to baby you. Hopefully you see why that’s wrong on so many levels :).
Warning: the easiest way to get A girl to text you back..
- .. Is by texting another girl
- And starting well (instead of fixing)
Dating, as much as most other things in life, never really stops being a number game and a question of odds.
These techniques DO work wonders, but the best way to dramatically increase the odds of a girl replying to your text (and dating you)… Is by having several options.
And of course, this post is about fixing. But fixing is always tricky. Much better to start well. Consider this guide of texting templates from hello to date. It’s cheap for the information it provides.
Girl Not Texting You Back: The Mindsets
You will notice that some techniques in this post could be used in “sneaky” ways.
But I’m cool with it because, in the greater scheme of things, I know it’s for a good cause.
Your mindset then is that, if you’re a great guy, you’re doing her a favor by making it happen. And if that means pulling a few strings or bending some truths, then be it.
Of course, that also means it’s our duty to be keep working on bring great guys :).
WHEN SHE DOESN’T TEXT BACK: SUMMARY
When a girl doesn’t text back some common advice is to “just move on”. That’s an option, of course. But if you care about meeting pretty girls -or that specific girl- why should you move on right away when you can still have a fair shot that only costs you a mere minute?
These techniques really do work wonders with unresponsive numbers and I’ve never seen them laid out anywhere else.
To sum it up:
- Two texts after meeting
- Switch Medium
- Provide what she values
- “Not gonna write you anymore, it’s your turn” text
- “Are you still around” months later
- “I’m gone for ever text”, which I would use in place of “your turn text”.
- (name) …
And if she’s replying, this is a great article on proper text flirting.