Conversation Casanova is a good dating book for men teaching readers how to talk to women in order to bond with them, and seduce them.
The Conversation Casanova system is based on sexualizing the conversation and moving beyond small talk to truly get to know your conversation partner.
Conversation Casanova Notes
About the Author: Dave Perrotta wasn’t a natural at socializing, making friends, or talking to women.
But he craved more, and he actively sought improvement until he got so good that he decided it was time to teach what he had learned (bio tased out from the book itself).
The Casanova Mindsets
These are the core mindsets for you to get better at conversations and seduction:
- I am responsible for my life and my circumstances
- I am enough. I don’t need the approval of someone else to feel complete: when you focus on approval, you live by other people’s standards, and you relinquish control (see next paragraph)
- I have a mission and purpose in life, and women are not my #1 priority
- All women are attracted to me until proven otherwise
Some women will be into you. But they will not come out and tell you. And sometimes, it’s difficult to read the signs whether she’s into you or not.
To fix that problem, simply assume that all women are attracted to you. That will also lead to more attractive behavior from your side, and some women who were on the fence will actually like you more.
Why You Must Overcome the Need for Validation
This part was by far my favorite in the whole book.
As a matter of fact, it was one of my favorite passages in all the books on seduction I have read.
The need for validation is one of the most important, and yet least discussed aspects of seduction.
Perrotta says that most men subconsciously feel like they are not enough, and that they need something external to complete and to complete or “make them better”.
In seduction, the external validation often ends up being women.
But there are never enough women to plug that hole.
Once you score a date with the girl, you’ll want to bring her back to your place. Once you bring her to your place, you’ll want to have sex with her. Then, you’ll want to tell your friends about it and “show her off.”
That will be nice and feel good, but the good feeling will wear off. Soon, you’ll want more.
You’ll want to experience this feeling of approval again, and you’ll need other women to fill the need. You’ll need to keep trying harder to impress your friends and your parents.
The cycle will never end.
When you focus on other people’s approval of you, you are living by the standards, not yours. You are relinquishing control of your life and your well-being to outside sources.
I also loved Perrotta’s question to find out where you still have a need for validation or not:
Think of dating/picking up your dream girl. What excites you more? Experiencing her beauty, personality, and passion? Or bragging to your friends about getting such a ‘hottie’?
To that question, I would also add: are you excited about the thought of “having it pulled it off”?
Then you are probably chasing your own validation.
And the game is the same: there will rarely ever be “enough” for you to feel “good enough”.
Overcoming Approach Anxiety
- Focus on overcoming your fears: make it more about winning your own battle against fear than approaching the girl. It feels better to conquer your fear than actually talk to girls. And that will make you more result-independent, too.
- Shift your perspective: most guys think it’s risky to talk to women because rejection hurts. But in truth it’s far riskier not to talk to them. That’s the perspective shift you need to undertake.
- Tap into your manhood: feel the attraction, and let that lead you
I would also add here: since most guys focus on what they don’t like to find an excuse, focus on what you like instead.
How to Make a Great First Impression
- Slow down your speech rate: most guys talk too faster, and slower is more attractive
- Avoid jerking, speedy, or anxious movements: or anything that looks like fidgeting
- Use the “sexy smile”: with one corner of your lips higher than the other (and avoid the big toothy smiles)
- Strike a good balance between too goofy (wrong) or overly serious (wrong): crack some jokes sometimes, but overall have a conversation aimed at getting to know her
- Adopt a good posture: and a strong body language
- Give strong eye contact: and avoid darting your eyes around
- Talk at your natural voice pitch: high pitched voices are unattractive, and to speak deeper, make sure you breathe from your belly
How to Have a Good Early Conversation
- Early on, make “assumption statement” instead of questions: for example, instead of “what do you do”, you can say: “you look like an artistic type, are you a designer or something” (something that Mark Manson in “Models” also recommends)
- Ask a close-ended question first: for example: “where do you come from”
- Then ask an open-ended one to build on the previous question “oh cool, how is it like there”
- Then build up on what she said by sharing a comment, your own experience, or how you feel about it
How to Bond and Relate
Perrotta says that to bond and relate you need to help people see you as “the same”, as opposed to as “the other”.
He then goes on to describe the most common conversational mistakes people commit and how to fix them.
He recommends to avoid making too contentious opinions early on, and to let the girl talk more (I agree).
- How to bond and relate (with plenty of examples)
You Must Genuinely Love Women
Dave Perrotta says:
In order to be truly successful with women you need to become a man who loves women.
I think that in this era of bitterness and red pill, we need that type of reminder.
- Ask her number, or to see her again, at a high point of the interaction: this is always a good reminder
- To flirt, don’t ask “what kind of guys you like”, but “what kind of guys you find sexy”: this is my own note on Perrotta’s suggestion, and I loved it. I used to ask “what kind of guys do you like”, but from now on I will switch “like” with “sexy”
- Imply that she is hitting on you: this is something I used to do a lot but that over time I drastically reduced. It works though, and it was a good reminder that I can also restart doing it a bit more often
- Touch during the conversation: even in the beginning, and possibly before asking her contact information because I studied found out that a touch before the request increased compliance. The elbow or the side of her arm are good places for initial touches
- If you’re walking through a crowded place, take her hand
- When talking about yourself, realize that it’s about communicating your sexy qualities
- The two most important qualities to convey are dominance and prosocial traits
- Among your qualities, do include “appreciation of beauty” and vulnerability
- “I know this is really random” opener
Perrotta presents four different types of openers.
The “I know this is really random….” is how he sets up his direct opener.
It was a rather common one in the seduction communication, and it almost went mainstream (also referenced by Tim Ferris in “The 4-Hour Workweek”).
However, I never liked that type of opener.
Perrotta advises readers to slow reeeeaaaally down on that “reeeaaallly”, which further draws attention to how random your interaction is.
But that also makes it far less natural, and whenever possible, I prefer to make my interactions seem natural and effortless.
This isn’t based just on opinions: I used it a lot, and for me, it didn’t work nearly as well as other types of openers.
- Grabbing her contact info with the “I know this random… “
Same as above.
When the girl is in a rush, Perrotta recommends you grab her contact info with the following sentence:
I know this is random and we literally just met, but you have a really fun/interesting vibe. We should grab a drink this week or next.”
Again, I wouldn’t draw attention to the “randomness” bit.
The rationale for doing that is that you “pace her reality”, as the early PUA called it, and that you show emotional and social intelligence.
But it also somewhat shows low standards: you “literally just met someone” and you already want to hang out? Ideally, you want to exchange contact when there is some interest, or when she qualified a bit.
The “you have a really fun vibe” is a form of qualification, but it could be better, in my opinion (for example, it’s better to ask a question to make her qualify and then use her answer to qualify her).
Alternatively, I prefer to be more honest and say “you seem the kind of girl I like”.
The “fun vibe” just doesn’t feel genuine to me.
- The “agree and amplify” technique advice, but it doesn’t always work well
Perrotta mentions women’s shit tests and recommends the “agree and amplify” technique to pass those tests.
He calls it “agree and exaggerate” actually, but it’s the same.
Her: “I’m too old for you…”
You: “Oh, I know. I’m just a boy trying to find his place in this big world. I’m no match for a sexy, mature girl like yourself.”
I think the “agree and amplify” technique can work in some situations. But often, it doesn’t. It’s because you remain within their frame, which gives them control.
Plus, you are following their lead.
Also read: frame control and how to properly use frames.
- Highlights the importance of prosocial qualities
Dave Perrotta is one of the few, if not the only author I remember to highlight the importance of prosocial traits.
Most authors focus on being more of an asshole, or on being more dominant. There is a place for both of them, but prosociality is what makes the difference between a non-pro social dominant man that high quality women reject, and a dominant man women want more and more in their lives.
Props to Perrotta for delving into such an important, yet underrated aspect of seduction (and socialization in general).
- Very good on many of the basics
Conversation Casanova puts together many of the main basics of good conversation, and it’s equally good in highlighting
Conversation Casanova is a great book for beginners because it covers many of the basics.
Because it focuses on the basics, more advanced students of the social arts might find “Conversation Casanova” to be OK, but not to break lots of new ground.
A few times, I disagreed with the advice -see the “cons” section above-.
But overall, I agree with most of what Perrotta says. We also have had a somewhat similar trajectory, so I can understand Dave’s own drives and motivations.
Finally, even as a non-beginner, there were also a couple of important reminders, plus a good new nugget of wisdom I took away and which I will be implementing.