Mark Manson is a well read, well spoken writer who goes beyond simple dating advice.
With “Models: Attract Women Through Honesty” he takes readers into a deep journey of personal and mental transformation. And then he introduces some good dating techniques as well.
- Bullet Summary
- Full Summary
- Real Life Applications
- Vulnerability, such as embracing shame and your emotions is key to successful dating
- Key to dating are: honesty, communication skills and a good lifestyle
- Learn to deal with your sexual and social anxieties
It hit him the hardest when an ex girlfriend of him told him to “act normal”.
He says there’s a striking lack of solid relationships among PUAs because they’re all about gimmicks and not about deeper human connections.
What Attracts Women
There are many variables (cycle, relationships status etc.), high diversity and, even, a mismatch between body arousal and perceived arousal -as explained in Sex At Dawn-.
It seems clear though women want men with status and power. Status is shown by how you treat other people, how they treat you and how you treat yourself.
Mark Manson says that your attraction is inversely proportional to your level of neediness. His definition of neediness is to be more invested in what people think of you than of what you think of yourself.
In dating it means that you should be less willing to alter your thoughts, feeling and motivations compared to the woman. He calls the three of them “investment”.
Mark Manson uses evolutionary psychology quite a bit to explain his stance. But personalliy, like Nassim Taleb I’m skeptical about “ad hoc” evolutionary explanations (read The Moral Animal for good evolutionary psychology).
More importantly, the author says that we often reveal neediness in seemingly innocuous ways but women perceive it at an unconscious level.
He says it’s impossible to be completely un-invested, but you should be less invested than she is.
Manson says that vulnerability is the opposite of Neediness and it’s the path to true and deep human connection (something Brene Brown expands in Daring Greatly).
He’s right, just make sure you don’t overdo the vulnerability part and read Vulnerability is Not Power.
Neediness is caring more about the perceptions of others while vulnerability prioritizes and reckons with your own feelings and perceptions.
You’ll feel vulnerable any time you do something that makes you feel uncomfortable and ashamed. But as you keep making yourself vulnerable you’ll develop more that “not a give a f*ck attitude“.
He says that to become more vulnerable you need to become more attuned to your emotions and learn to express them without inhibition and without being afraid people will like you less.
Desire and Neediness
The author says showing is a paradox in that it’s vulnerable but also a bit needy and lowers your status. PUA (pick up artists) look for tactics and tricks to pursue her without showing attraction. But that only works in the short term, he says.
Vulnerability “short-circuit” that issue as men comfortable with being vulnerable don’t behave in a needy way. And desire shown without neediness is attractive.
“showing attraction mixed with vulnerability” wasn’t super clear for me here.
The Gift of Truth
Mark Manson suggests the pick up idea of pursuing without letting her know you’re interested is bogus. Being honest and upfront is better.
The vulnerable man, being honest and upfront, encourages women to do the same.
The vulnerable man indeed is not afraid of speaking his mind, drawing boundaries and telling her when she’s being out of line. And that’s very attractive.
Mark Manson says that full honesty is polarizing. And that’s great. Quick screening tool and no time wasting.
Many rejections you will get as a honest man are from women who are actually attracted.
But they’re scared of a man who isn’t afraid of honesty, and they’ll reject you -and lash out maybe- out of fear (this is a woman’s mistake I mention in Women’s early dating mistakes).
Rejection and Success
People are afraid of rejection because they are operating on other people’s truths, he says, otherwise what’s there to fear?
The Three Fundamentals
Mark Manson says the three fundamentals of attractions are:
- Attractive lifestyle (honest living)
- Overcoming fears and anxieties about women (honest action)
- Expression of emotions and communication (honest communication)
Honest living is about doing what you love in life or you are living by other people’s values.
Honest action means that if you’re attracted to a woman the most honest action you can do is talk to her. Otherwise you’re being dishonest to yourself.
Honest communication means communicating your true intentions and communicating them well.
Money, looks and success do matter as they are all indicator of status. They matter less than many people think though.
Behavior is also an indicator of status. So the more money and looks you have, the less attractive behavior you need.
Most Beautiful Women
The author says most men approaching these women do so because they want to show her off and are hunting for status. That’s a very needy behavior. That means that most guys approach these women very insincerely.
Hence Manson suggests to look at something you like about her beyond the looks.
How To Be Attractive
In this section he talks about:
- Body Language
- Vocal Tonality
They’re all primer so I suggest you to delve deeper on that stuff separately. Here’s some resources on body languages:
- The Definitive Book of Body Language
- Sexy Body Language At The Bar
- Sexy Hands In Pockets Poses
- How To Have a Sexy Walk
The author says that the needier you are, the more anxiety you have. Anxiety stem from our unwillingness to be vulnerable.
And the first step to overcoming our anxieties is to understand the pattern we fall into.
How To Take Action
Mark Manson recommends you do not try to suppress your fear but embrace it.
Incremental high volume exposures are better than facing extreme scenarios. And that means starting small with something you can bear. Than do a lot of it and build up from there.
Ultimately, fear will never go away but it changes shape and won’t affect your sense of worth anymore.
How To Be Charming
Mark Manson says that connecting deeply is more powerful than any technique you could ever use. Building an emotional connection is what makes the difference.
And he gives us a blueprint on how to do it:
- Become aware of your emotions and motivations
- Share them (will create trust)
- She will share in return
Instead of saying things like “oh I like that too”, tell why you like it and relate it to your life in a way that builds emotional trust.
Taking a leaf out of Leil Lowndes book Mark says that friends speak in statements, not questions. Questions create the feeling you want something from her and she must oblige. Instead of questions, use statements.
For example, instead of saying “how long have you been knowing each other” you can say “you guys look like you are old friends”.
I don’t fully agree on the statements VS questions topics. The frame that you want something from her… And she obliges is a good one.
Many questions in a row is terrible, yes, but so is stacking up a lot of wrong statements. Plus the wrong statements scream “nothing in common”.
Communicating With Women
Mark Manson says that men discuss things outside of themselves while women enjoy talking about themselves. Men should then speak to women about things relating to the two of them. Their stories, their dreams, their feelings.
My note: that much is true. For conversation in relationships also check Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus.
Mark Manson recommends you never approach from behind and that you smile and give good eye contact. It won’t matter what you say, he says. He usually just blurts “Hi I’m Mark”.
The Dating Process
Mark Manson talks about a bit about calling vs texting strategies (also read: How to Text & Text Flirting).
His dating process consists of doing lots of interactive activities and changing venues several times during the date.
The author ends the chapter with an overview of the signals that women send (Undercover Sex Signals).
I see the utility of doing lots of things during the date and changing venues. However I prefer simplicity. Planning lots of things also equals lots of investment. And since Manson recommends you pay for dates, also quite some money :).
Physicality and Sex
The rule of thumb when you’re not sure when to escalate is to go for it. It’s better being rejected than doing nothing and not knowing what could have been.
Real Life Applications
Take Charge In Your Interests
Don’t just volunteer at events, promote them; don’t just attend art exhibitions, organize them. The idea is that you take responsibility roles in what you like doing in your life.
Incremental Exposure Beats Extremes
To learn something difficult “jumping at the high end of the water” might not be the best solution. Better to do something you can manage repeatedly and then build from there.
Great Novel Outlook
Models by Mark Manson introduces a honest approach that is quite refreshing in the pick up world. You can see he is a well read man as he weaves together feelings, attraction and seduction -instead of looking at the latter in silo-.
Much of what Mark says makes sense. And much of it is also backed by science and, well, reality.
Three Pillars or…. A Bunch More?
Mark Manson introduces 3 pillars. But the core concepts he introduces end up being much more. Now don’t get me wrong, they’re all great and, indeed, fundamental. But he could have found a better way to summarize them.
Weaker On Techniques
Models is a great dating resource, but it’s not heavy in terms of techniques and processes. In my opinion there’s also some a few imperfections here and there when it comes to accuracy(read my comments in blu)
Mark Manson seems like a smart cool guy and I like his approach to life.
There are a few inconsistencies though I’d need to flag.
In the book he says he “kissed more than 300 girls” and then he says he has “been with almost 100 women”. In the chapters on first impressions though he says that “of the thousands of women I’ve been with around 90% we clicked right away”.
Which one is which?
98% of the times the smaller number is true, which leaves me unimpressed with the later overstatement.
In terms of actual experience, “almost 100 women” is honestly not that impressive. Especially considering he says he travels a lot. In this AMA sessions on Reddit he lists he’s been with women from over 18 Countries (link to highlighted part).
Personally, I’ve also never been impressed by people who keep track of nationalities either.
About The Book:
The book is very “safe” in the theories it espouses.
- Be vulnerable
- Be honest
- Relationships are more fulfilling than sleeping around
These are all family-friendly and “Instagram quote friendly” positions.
And they help sell well.
I’m not a big fan of diluted content to reach a wider audience.
However, that is not to say that those positions are wrong. They are true.. Under certain conditions.
And Manson does a great job at explaining them.
In the end, Models is not the best in terms of techniques, and that’s why only 4 stars.
But it’s one of the best dating book I’ve read so far in terms of mindsets and overarching philosophy.
Models merges good dating with great self improvement content.