Emotional manipulation is a type of psychological warfare using subtle, often covert tactics to control or exploit your emotions.

The best manipulators are so smooth that most victims don’t even realize they’re being played. If you want to become manipulation-proof for life, you need to know exactly what to look for.

This article provides a definitive list of 13 advanced emotional manipulation techniques. We break down everything from Provoking Your Overreaction (gaslighting) and Guilt-Tripping to the complex strategy of Social Scalping. Learn to recognize these covert tricks, understand why they manipulate, and reclaim your emotional freedom.

1. Provoking Your Overreaction

The manipulator accuses you of psychological issues or

The emotionally manipulative red flags of gaslighting include:

• Blaming the victim. For example, they may say that their poor behavior is only a reaction to yours
• Psychologizing, and blaming your ‘issues’ on your past or faulty mental models
• Use your own emotions against you. For example, your valid anger is “proof” that you’re too volatile or aggressive

Gaslighting is maddening in both senses: it makes you angry, and it makes you doubt your sanity.

For more, see:

• Gaslighting

2. Make You Feel Guilty (Guilt-Tripping)

The manipulator makes you feel guilty and “bad” for not doing as he wishes

Guilt tripping is an emotional manipulation tool more common for low-power manipulators.

Higher-power manipulators with power to impose or skills to influence choose that.
So it’s when he lacks either the ability to lead or the strength to enforce that he resorts to guilt-tripping.

Here is an example:

Manipulator: (asks an exception for a 3rd time after having been kindly explained we keep simple rules for all)
TPM: (refuses)
Manipulator: Don’t be so mean <— Guilt trip
I purchased this course with a loan I’m still repaying <— ‘Poor me’ added power move

Note: we cut other power moves and manipulations. And little later he says he’s looking forward to our dating course re-opening, casting doubt on the loan statement.

However, note that guilt tripping can be effective.
The Routledge Handbook of Persuasion suggests moderate guilt that stresses the positive of taking action is more likely to be effective.

3. Make You Fearful (Fear-Stoking)

The manipulator makes you fearful to increase his control

When you’re fearful you’re less resourceful, needier, and easier to control.

There are countless ways of stoking fears, including:

• Make you jealous, so you cling to them and bend to their will in fear of losing their affection and commitment
• Triangulation, a subset of jealousy to make you fear a specific “competitor”
• False financial distress. If they’re the breadwinners, they may pretend that their job is at risk. Good excuse to also control your spending
• Overwhelming displays of emotions (read on)

Some emotional manipulators first make you fearful, then present themselves as rescuers. That way, you also become more emotionally dependent on them.

Emotional Manipulation In Relationships

Dating and relationships are replete of emotional manipulation.

Some manosphere circles advocate for ‘keeping women on their toes’.
Also see “games men play“.

And women manipulate to remain ‘the prize‘ in the relationship:

A double power move: denies the date, and under-invests hoping to make me chase.

Also see “games women play” and “manipulative games women play“.

4. Deliberate Mistakes

Some emotional manipulators make deliberate mistakes as part of a strategy of provocation.

And a strategy of provocation, in turn, can be part gaslighting.

It works like this:

1. The manipulator makes (another) apparently senseless mistake. The type of mistake you think “how’s that even possible”
2. You get angry because albeit small, it was still important to you. Or because it’s a pattern. To you, it means not caring enough. (Eric Berne explains that social sadists enjoy your anger. They’re happy to have that “negative power” over you)
3. The manipulator defends that “it was just a mistake” or that “he was just trying to do a nice thing”
4. You feel you’re too aggressive, maybe even “not good enough for him”

And once you feel too aggressive, you start devaluing yourself.

Deliberate Mistakes Dynamics

Contrary to what most people may think, the deliberate mistake tactic works better with seemingly smaller mistakes.

This is because smaller mistakes provide better cover for the manipulator.
And smaller mistakes make it easier to frame you as “too over-reactive”.

To be precise, the deliberate mistake sweetspot is this: small enough to be inconsequential to most, but big enough to annoy you.

Hot buttons and personal “weird” preferences are perfect.
Why?
Because that way you can’t complain to others since most people wouldn’t understand (a gaslighting effect).
You know you fell for it when you open up to others, but people say “but come on, it’s such a small thing”.

Examples

• At work they print the full presentation “for your convenience” even though you hate wasting paper. When you complain they may say “I thought this investor presentation was important”. Now you’re in a double bind because the presentation is important
• In the flatshare they take the last one of your favorite snack and replace it with a different brand. When you get angry, they may say “I just got a full package, just take one there”
• They bring your favorite brand of yogurt.. But the flavor you hate. If you complain, they get angry or sad because ‘they even got you your favorite brand’, or “it’s just a yogurt, who cares, it’s about the gesture”

Him: brings her strawberries as a gift
Her: did you know that there’s only one thing on earth I’m allergic to…
Him: (realizes the “mistake”) strawberries. This is progress, I knew there was a correlation between you and this <— he got his payoff: making her angry and reactive to him. And now he tries to sound smart with his reply

In the movie, this is supposed to be “fun”.
In real life, this is one of the games manipulators play.

Sometimes even the intent or mention of the mistake is enough.
For example:

• You say not to take any more eggs because you have too many. When they come back they say “ouch I need to go back to get the eggs”. That forces you to intervene to stop them. And you get angry because you already talked about it. (After all, you had too many eggs because they already did the “mistake” the day before)

Notice again that these are all small enough that you may find it difficult to find any support.
Your friends may say “ah come on, does the brand really matter so much?”. And your employer probably has no policy against “printing presentations for review”.

Still, you better have clear in your mind that this is manipulation.
And turkey behavior.

Here’s the rule of thumb:

When similar “mistakes” repeat, they’re not mistakes but deliberate actions to provoke you.

5. Make You Feel Bad For Voicing Concerns (Dimissive Guilt-Trip)

The manipulator makes you feel bad and “wrong” just for taking his time

The manipulator presents himself as busy and overburdened with “important stuff”.

And he makes you feel like your concerns are “small stuff” that he has no time for.

This approach also frames the emotional manipulator as higher value than you. (If it’s a relationship, that would be higher SMV).

He is higher value because the frame is:

Your issues are inconsequential because I’m busy with more important things. They only matter to you because you do nothing worthwhile and have nothing to busy yourself with.

This is more common with go-getter, businessmen, and “alpha male” types of men.
The corresponding power move is a mix of aggression and annoyance (“aggressive dismissal”).

This type of manipulation also has a convenient upside for the manipulator:

5.2. Make You Feel Your Problems Don’t Deserve Attention

When your problems are smaller, your problems will always lose the right to be heard against his problems.

So all he has to do when you voice a concern is to voice his own concerns. And you lose the right to be heard since his concerns are “more important”.

Such as, the emotional manipulator monopolizes the “problem conversation”.

Every time you have a fair issue to discuss, all he has to do is to bring up his own problem. And you lose the chance to be heard –plus feel guilty about even bringing your issues up-.

6. Make You Feel Indebted (Social Scalping)

The manipulator makes you feel overly indebted whenever he does something for you

Some examples of social scalping include:

• Playing the martyr, when they frame their giving as costly, difficult, and very challenging for them to provide
• Playing the “Atlas”, carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. They frame your requests as large, costly, and difficult, falling on an already overburdened person
• Playing the savior, when they say that “if they didn’t do X”, it would have been a disaster for you

We perfected the science of social scalping as emotional manipulation on this website.
We dig deeper into it on our premium course Power University, but here’s a good infographic as an overview:

PRO Tip: Imagine The Best Possible Behavior & Compare It

Here’s a great rule of thumb to spot emotional manipulation:

To spot emotional manipulation, think what someone who has your best interest in mind would do. And then compare it to what the emotional manipulator does.

And this is how a good partner differs from an emotional manipulator:

• Good partner: frames his giving as a pleasure to him and as “normal” among people who like, care, and support each other
• Emotional manipulator: frames his giving as extraordinary. And exceptionally costly for him, and exceptionally useful to you

7. Emotional Bait & Switch

The manipulator gets emotional investment as leverage, then pulls back once he’s in control

In intimate relationships that turn toxic a pattern of emotional manipulation includes:

1. Presenting one’s best face with courtship, love notes, and ‘perfect boyfriend behavior’
2. Pull-back after achieving a goal or gaining ’emotional hooks’ like trust, love, a relationship, living in, or securing a loan/gift
3. Devaluing stage with disappointment, criticism, and nasty games and power moves
   • Trauma bond, alternating abuse with love, a dark psychology technique to make the victim even more addicted. It can happen “naturally” with avoidant partners in (see “anxious-avoidant trap“)
4. Discard if they move on

7.2. Emotional Manipulation In Dating

Dating is rife with manipulations and emotional manipulation.

Just an example:

Her: If you don’t talk, let’s delete each other <— Rushes him to reply fast
Her: I know you have gone to see other girls <— Out of place given it was early dating, no commitment, and I told her I was home working

8. Make You Feel Insecure (Self-Esteem Undermining)

The manipulator uses your (supposed) weaknesses to lower your self-esteem

There are endless ways to make you feel insecure:

• “Joking” about your shortcoming (ie.: weight). On the surface, they’re just teasing. But deep down, you feel less attractive, lower value, and insecure.
  Joking is a common covert power move
• Unfavorable comparison with supposedly better partners. Sometimes the comparison is also made up.
• Demeaning & criticizing are more direct ways to make you feel worse about yourself.
  Advanced emotional manipulators use more indirect and covert ways.
• Use your insecurities & vulnerabilities against you. The more intelligent emotional manipulators study or elicit your vulnerabilities first. Then, “joke” or criticize you for them.
  👉🏼PRO Tip: share a false vulnerability may be a great test to spot emotional manipulators.
• Exaggerated self-promotion, so you may feel like “they’re too good for you”.
  The best emotional manipulators rarely openly brag. Instead, they’re covert and strategic in making you feel like they’re so awesome.

Why do they do it?

Simple, when you feel insecure you’re easier to control, and more dependent on the emotional manipulator.

Notice The Difference: A Good Person Stops, An Inveterate Manipulator Doesn’t

Some naturally strategic individuals “naturally” deploy some emotional manipulation tactics.

However, when they realize so -or when you tell them- they will stop.
Or they will talk with you about what makes you feel bad, and adjust accordingly.

9. Discount Your Successes (Undermining)

The manipulator discredits your success to prevent you self-empowerment

Emotionally manipulative fathers hate to see their own children succeed

Understand this:

Emotional manipulators don’t want you happy and successful.
Emotional manipulators want you sad and un-successful.

One, because sad and unsuccessful people are easier to control.
And two, because your success is a threat to their fragile self-esteem. They feel better about themselves if you fail.

So, whenever you win, they one-up you and undermine you.

One way to undermine your successes is to delink them from personal value, qualities, or even effort.
Instead, it was based on luck, circumstances, or… Thanks to them.

Example of Emotionally Manipulative One-Upping:

Her: I have 37.000 followers on IG
Him: 36.999 of which are mine

He may even be right as far as we know.
But… Was it necessary to undermine like that?
It still feels like a cheap shot.

While the manipulator discredits your wins…

9.2. Make You Feel You’re To Blame For Anything Bad That Happens

Emotional manipulators also inflate your losses to make you feel bad about yourself.

It can be as simple as:

Emotional Manipulator: Oh, ouch, you didn’t get that promotion? That must hurt, who did they give it to?

And then they ask you “Why to her” and “Why not to you”. The goal is to insist and expand on the loss and to shift your focus on personal faults.
The most Machiavellian may even play supportive. But they will never shift focus to any truly uplifting topic or thought. That’s a conscious tactic to let you emotionally linger and wallow in defeat.

Minimizing your wins and inflating your losses go in tandem. But “loss inflating” is often a bigger red flag.

Effects

Psychology researcher Martin Seligman calls the self-talk we described “personal agency explanatory styles”.

And negative explanatory styles make you feel pessimistic, depressed, and helpless.
You acquire negative explanatory styles when the manipulator makes you feel that:

• Your wins have little to do with you
• Your losses are because of you

So be careful, and always reject the emotional manipulator’s negative frames.

10. Punish You With Withdrawal (Operant Conditioning)

The manipulator changes your behavior by rewarding what he wants and punishing what he doesn’t want

Manipulators don’t usually talk straight and direct -or, well, they wouldn’t be manipulators-.

Instead, they often prefer covert and passive-aggressive ways.

So instead of telling you what they didn’t like, they seek to change you with “operant conditioning“.
Such as, they reward what they want, and punish what they don’t want.

However, the “punishment” can be covert and (silently) by removing a source of (emotional) pleasure.
For example:

• Withdrawing attention
• “Forgetting” dates
• Not answering texts -or brief and dry answers, or removing emojis-
• Silent treatment

11. Intense Emotional Outbursts (One-Trial Learning)

The manipulator gets your present compliance with overwhelming displays of negative emotions (aggression or meltdown). And they get your future compliance through your fear (one-trial learning)

If covert manipulation fails, you may experience the opposite: an overwhelm of manipulative force.

Two of the more common emotional outbursts include:

• Raging: when the manipulator becomes aggressive, yelling and threatening
• Emotional meltdown: when the manipulator self-harm or threatens to end one’s life

Keep in mind that emotional manipulation must not necessarily be conscious or high-power.
It can be subconscious or a consequence of mental disorders -for example, BPD-. A girl I once date scratched herself until bleeding. And then started gulping alcohol to get my full attention.
That is also emotional manipulation.

We consider intense emotional outbursts one of the worst emotional manipulation red flags.

This is why:

Emotional outbursts aren’t only very upsetting, but also very costly for the manipulator.

Raging shows a side of him that can be very antisocial and dangerous.
And emotional meltdowns show that he doesn’t even care about his own reputation -to you, or to the world-.

Meaning: the emotional manipulator stops at nothing to control you.

12. Upset You (To Increase Your Emotional Investment)

Negative emotional investment is still investment.

The energy you spend in anger, yelling, ruminating, or explaining… It’s all mental cycles you spend on them.

Look at this example:

Her: (audio message saying “maybe we’re not a good “) <— tries to make me invest and chase her with denying that “no, we are good a fit”
Me: Why do you say that <—- doesn’t fall for her game
(…)
Her: Are you mad? Sorry <—- A covert power move. Plus, tries to make me angry by saying I was angry. And I never gave any sign of anger. A gaslighting effect, if you fall for it

See my last message.
That was a good power move :).

13. Make You Addicted To Their Power

The manipulator leverages his higher power and influence over you to make you want to comply, earn his approval, and invest and give

This is where emotional manipulation enters the advanced stage.

We enter the realm of abusive relationships, co-dependent relationships, lover boy types of pimps, and cult leaders.
But also various types of gurus and even some coach-mentor relationships.

And this is where it also gets murky.

The emotional manipulator often doesn’t use violence or coercion.

So many miss the power dynamics at play.
And placing the blame also becomes more difficult.

Is the manipulator an ahole and the one to blame, or did the victim willingly submit and stick around?

Often, it’s a mixture of both.
The manipulator IS a high-power, charismatic, and often high-value individual. But he also abuses his power and influence.

On the other hand, the victims can also often stop being a victim if they worked on their own self-empowerment.
We help people do just that in Power University.

See more for on emotional power dynamics:

• Judge power dynamics

Why They Manipulate

The reasons vary, but most of them revolve around power.

Emotional manipulators manipulate to:

• Control you
• Maintain power (clinical psychologist George Simon explains that many manipulators are power-hungry. And power-hungry individuals can’t stand losing power, even when they don’t even have a goal)
• Enjoy their power and manipulative skills. Some emotional manipulators take pride in their manipulative skills. So the more successful they are, the more they get to feel good and special
• Enjoy the pleasure of harming others. Yes, evil people exist. And some manipulators enjoy harming others –sociopath author M. E. Thomas admits so-.
  Some bent personalities also simply just “hate everyone”
• Dog-eat-dog worldview. They can’t conceive that people can collaborate and both be happy and do well.
  They may even see you as doing the exact same on them -if you had their manipulative skills, at least-

See more on the psychology and types of abusers.