Games men play on women… Now that’s an interesting topic, isn’t it :).
who lies more, men or women?
I know, I know, it’s embarrassing.
Even the question itself is embarrassing because the answer is easy: women lie more, play more games, and are also better at it (on average).
However, men are catching up.
Therefore, without further ado, here are some popular dating games men play:
- 1. The Bait and Switch Game
- 2. The Adventurer Game
- 3. The “I Never Date X” Game
- 4. The “We’re So Alike” Game
- 5. The “My Girlfriend” Game
- 6. The “I Can Help You” Game
- 6. Games of Chicken
- 7. The Casually Planned Date Game
- 8. “Beauty is Common” Game
- 9. Lowering Your Self Esteem Games
- 10. The Average Joe Games
- The Good Types of Dating Games
1. The Bait and Switch Game
The bait is showing interest first, then switching with (fake) disinterest.
Not proudly, I’ve been doing it myself a few times recently.
Not really to play dating mind games, but because I’m driven and busy with my stuff. And I lose interest if I don’t see reciprocated interest and/or if the first date is not hot enough to make us lovers.
However, some men might use this one on you in an effort to make you chase.
Here is how it looks like:
Reacting to The Bait and Switch
Never consider anything real until it’s real.
And always look at actions more than words: words are warm air (in person) and a bunch of meaningless bits (in texts).
Also, make sure to work on yourself: these games always work best on fragile egos.
2. The Adventurer Game
This is a dating game that has been growing in popularity recently.
The plan is to present himself as adventurer, globetrotters or any sort of label that evokes excitement and the idea of a girl in every port.
Men use it based on the idea that women slow things down with potential boyfriend candidates (and be the Madonna in his Madonna/whore dichotomy complex. check that article too on why late sex is sometimes a good idea).
But, and here’s what they try to angle for, women will move much quicker to bed if they know that he will never be their boyfriend… And if he is exciting.
It’s not a bad idea, also considering all dating books for women suggest to indeed let him wait for sex –a strategy I don’t fully agree with-.
Dealing With the Adventurer Game
Whenever a guy introduces himself as an adventurer, a globetrotter or such… Laugh at his face.
And if you want to go overboard, you can say this:
You’re like the 10th guy who says that in the last two days. I think it’s insecure of a man to have to sell himself so hard
Then watch how quickly a pricked hot balloon can scuttle running for cover.
3. The “I Never Date X” Game
If you’re a brunette, he might say:
I only date blondes
If you’re white, he might say:
I like black women
The idea here is that people want what they cannot have, which is in part true (Cialdini).
And by writing you off and pretending you can’t have him, he is hoping to turn the tables on you and make you chase.
Not a bad technique actually.
Dealing With the “I Never Date X” Game
LOL get ready ladies, this one is a real blast.
The best move here is doing the exact same back to him, only a tad meaner:
Him: I only date blondes
You: Oh, really, usually blondes like other blonde men. No offense, but can you find any as a balding dark haired man
Him: I like black women, they are X
You: Can you actually find black women? They like muscular guys…
The trick is to NOT sound mean. You should say these like you’re really worried for him. As if to say “poor you, can you really find any of those girls you like?“.
He’ll be thrown off and chances are high, very high, that he will reply with something like this:
Yes, of course I can…
No, they also like thin guys…
In either case, he is now proving himself to you.
4. The “We’re So Alike” Game
This is a variation of the super common “you’re great” (more below), and it consists of feigning interest in your same passions and pursuits.
Here’s a quick story as an example:
I remember 4-5 years ago, sitting at the clinic and waiting for our turn. We had just met the day before and she was leaving the city on that exact same day.
So I helped her out to get a pill of the day after to make up for a broken condom. It was the third condom, but still.. You only need one sperm to get someone pregnant.
Anyway, as we waited, she was showing me the pictures of this art gallery she had been to.
One image was a big wall in red paint. Nothing else, just a big wall in red paint.
I looked at it thinking it was meaningless, but didn’t say anything.
At that point, she blurted out:
Her: But… You don’t really like art
At that moment I realized I must have given the wrong impression the day before.
Read more on how to develop a deep connection.
Dealing With The “We’re So Alike” Game
I would suggest that you don’t always discount what men -and people in general say-. You would lose your spontaneity and not everything is a game.
But at the same time, always reserve final judgement until you see concrete proofs.
To uncover the “we’re alike” game, throw him some curve balls:
Everybody loves X because he’s good, possibly one of my favorite. What do you think of him
X is either someone who’s know that famous or a made up name. You preface it with “everyone loves X” so that you will make it more difficult for him to admit he doesn’t really know him.
If he bites saying he also loves him, he’s trying hard to position himself as a kindred soul.
4.1 The “I Like What You Like” Version
A similar game is to present himself like what he thinks she wants.
Or going for a stereotypical “great guy image” he thinks will surely make an effect.
Here is an example from Sex And the City (before he started a fight of course):
5. The “My Girlfriend” Game
If you are making a guy wait for sex –do it like this if you really must-, he might want to try to give you what you want as quickly as possible so he can get what he wants.
How is he going to do that?
He will call you his girlfriend.
The idea is to make you believe you reached your (alleged) goal of being in a relationship and so that you can now “safely” have sex.
Dealing With The “My Girlfriend Game”
Say that you would prefer not using labels until it’s official and mutually agreed that you two are together (do it privately though).
6. The “I Can Help You” Game
Many men who read on dating advice will not play this one because they are afraid of investing too much (same as most women, after all).
However, smarter men do know that the ability of offering help is actually both extremely endearing and attractive -only men with an abundance of connection, socially skills and resources can help-.
You can see a texting example here.
There is also a powerful, subconscious effect where you feel that to “fully unlock” that offer of help, you might have to give him back something first.
Since you probably don’t have any connections or knowledge that he doesn’t have already… Gosh what is it that he hopes you will give him?
Dealing With The “I Can Help You” Game
Again, words are as cheap as air pollution in Bejing.
Let him come up with the facts instead and tell him:
Thank you very much, I’d love to meet this great connection. When can you introduce us?
Then stay out of contact until he makes that intro.
6. Games of Chicken
Games of chicken are power games to get the upper hand in the relationship.
Games of chicken threaten to bring down the whole relationship unless she commits, invests or chases.
When she crumbles and eventually follows through, she submits and gives him the reins of the relationship -or, at least, more power-.
In a committed relationship, threatening to break up is a form of game of chicken (albeit women play that more often).
Early in dating, simply not replying to a text can be a game of chicken.
In this example, it was a tit-for-tat type of game as she obviously misbehaved by canceling on the same day with this weak a*s apology:
By the time she came around, the power was all in my side and.. I had already mentally moved past her.
The only date I was willing to offer at that point was “come over and we’ll cook something together” type of date.
This is one of the reasons why I strongly recommend women to play little “chase me games“: they mostly work with non-busy, lower quality men and drive away all the cool ones (read more mistakes in biggest dating mistakes women commit).
7. The Casually Planned Date Game
This isn’t really a “bad mind game”, but it’s still good for you to know about.
He will carefully plan the date to make it seem spontaneous but instead design it to increase the chances of you two having sex.
- Doing some exciting (excitement rubs off as sexual attraction)
- Changing several venues and ending up close to his place
- Pretending to do something “spontaneously crazy” but actually planned
Dealing With the Casually Planned Game:
oh what a coincidence, we went through all these places and now we are just near your apartment. Isn’t that neat, John.
Could it be that it’s not really a coincidence, John?
Say it not in a mean way but as if you wanted to say “you naughty boy” or “how random, eh?”
You just want to test how he reacts.
Now a man who doesn’t play too many games will either come out and say there is nothing wrong with that or, even better, reply with something like this:
Well, honestly, I don’t think the real question is whether or not I laid out a plan to end up near my place. Maybe I did, but isn’t that the man’s job anyway?
But what’s important here is that I do am having a good time with you Julie and that’s why I’m inviting you. Because I DO NOT invite just about anyone, Julie.
It’s two minutes away and we’re just going for a drink. So shall we go now.
8. “Beauty is Common” Game
He’s trying to paint himself as both experienced, deep and interested in your personality.
Maybe you tease him he is only looking for sex, or that he is a fuckboy.
And as an answer, he will launch on a tirade that while “beauty is common”, he is looking for something deeper as well.
Both sub-communications work heavily in his favor.
He communicates pre-selection (other beautiful women probably wanted him) and that he can appreciate you for who you are on top of whatever flashy thing you got (big boobs, shiny hair etc.).
Of course it will be true for some guys.
But it’s a tiny, tiny minority.
And even those, they would most likely bang you anyway even without the “attractive personality”.
Women tend to believe this game not because they’re gullible, but because that’s actually how they think, and thus believe that (at least some) men will feel the same.
However, I am sorry to break the news for you: 95% of the times you hear that sentence, it’s a crock. And chances are high he’s a fuckboy.
The other 4% of the times the guy has been around so much and he is so experienced that indeed beauty has become his new normal -but chances are it’s now a minimum requirement for him-.
In 1% of the cases, you might have stumbled upon real gold. It’s rare, but not impossible.
8.1 The Great Sex Variation
Another variation is to go straight for the sexual and to pain himself like a sexual God, promising great sex, orgasms and a guilt-free, full fun experience.
Feel free to go for this one if you are so inclined -just be aware of the game, and that the great sex might or might not be true in the end-.
And now the worst kind of mind games men play:
9. Lowering Your Self Esteem Games
Some of the early pick-up artists, among whom was Neil Strauss, used what they call “the “neg”. The neg meant delivering a back-handed compliment or a light insult.
Why would they do it?
The idea was that of lowering the woman’s self-esteem and make her chase him to regain his approval.
Is it effective? Sometimes it can be.
But it’s an inherently low-level game because it gives for granted that the woman is superior and he has to take her down a notch to have a chance.
It was also relatively easy for socially skilled women to see behind these games.
However, and here’s the twist, lowering your self-esteem can happen in many ways, some of which can be very subtle and even unconscious.
Here are some examples:
- You say you go to the gym, he grabs your forearm and says “really”
- You say you are full, he puts a hand on your belly and says “sure you are”
- You say you don’t like exercising, he replies “why not, my ex loved staying in shape”
Dealing With Lowering Self Esteem Moves
This is one of the most insidious mind games men play and you should take it very seriously.
I have a whole article on how to play the same games back on him. But I recommend you drop the games here and focus on finding out if he’s a man you must avoid.
Say something like this:
Look, maybe you meant it as a joke. And it can be funny, in a way. However, it’s the second time you do it and I’m worried that this is a trend.
You see, these types of jokes make people feel self-conscious and unworthy.
I see relationship as mutually supportive, and this is not how a mutually supportive relationship works.
You probably wouldn’t think it’s funny if I joked about you being weak or having a small penis, would you?
That’s why I am asking you to please avoid these types of jokes designed to make me feel bad.
Then watch his behavior.
If he keeps playing these games, you might want to reassess if he’s the right partner for you.
10. The Average Joe Games
We have reviewed a few popular mind games men play in dating.
However, the most common and widespread games are the ones you are already familiar with.
And they include:
- Appearing better than he is (richer, smarter, cooler… )
At the extreme are the men who will rent out a car or borrow to show off resources they don’t have.
These are some of the lowest quality games that should immediately ring “low quality man” bells in your head.
- Trying to tell you what you want to hear
Good old sales game: first listen to what the customer want. Then pitch your product accordingly.
Many men will jump the gun though and instead of listening they will go for what they believe all women want (so you get guys pitching good jobs, making good fathers, “never playing games” etc.).
To avoid this one, it’s good to learn how to ask questions and probe on your first date.
Get the Pussy Power dating guide for that.
- “Buttering up” compliments
Gushing compliments about your sexiness, tastes or personality are an example of low level “buttering up compliments”:
The Good Types of Dating Games
Is playing games a bad sign?
No, not always and not necessarily.
Playing no games at all would mean telling the truth and nothing but the truth. And only the social outcasts and the mentally ill do that.
As long as both people’s interests align, a bit of games to reach results might not only be OK, but also a sign of social skills and an indicator of quality.
Example of high-quality games:
- Thinks twice about what he texts so that he comes across well
- Schedules and leads the date in a way that helps the two of you to get together
- Makes you invest in the relationship as much as he does (something you should help him achieve!)
- Failing to entertain bad behavior (my game of chicken above was one such example)
When Is Playing Games Bad?
Dating games are a bad sign in all these situations:
- Games only benefit him
- Mind games are actively damaging you
- You can’t get to know the real him because there’s way too many games
- When it’s all games and little substance
For the last one, think of the English proverb all sizzle, no stake. In Italian it’s even better, and it would be this:
Much smoke, but no meat on the fire
The smoke is the games.
When the smoke serves to cover up the lack of talent, resources, and personality, then they are bad types of dating games.
But when games are used instead to stoke the pleasure and excitement for the upcoming high-quality meat, then it’s all good.
Games men play in dating are not always and necessarily bad.
Your task is to tell apart the low-quality game players from those who use some games to benefit both of you.
This article gave you an overview of the topic and a few specific games men play.